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A little heart to heart


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So, after having been broken up for 6 months and not having seen each other in over 3, my ex and I finally had a little heart to heart.

 

She had called me on Tuesday and asked if I had wanted to visit with her and the dog (the one she kept). Though I was a little hesitant at first, I accepted her invitation.

 

When I arrived at her place, she was already waiting for me and Ranger (the dog i took) in the driveway. We gave each other a hug and proceeded into the house.

 

She offered me a drink and we went and sat out on the back deck. I kept the conversation extremely light, simply asking about how things have been, work, family, etc. I allowed her to lead and waited to see if she wanted to discuss our relationship.

 

She did begin to talk about 'us' and apologized for everything that had transpired. She said that she knows it was ALL her fault and that she has a lot of issues that she needs to confront. She said that her family asks about me all the time and that her Aunt knows what happened between us. When I asked her what her Aunt's reaction was, she said that her aunt said: 'When will you learn? It's really sad that you broke up with D. You're really never going to learn and you're just like your mother.' I was actually really happy that her aunt responded to her like that b/c it's something she needs to hear. Turns out, her aunt wasn't the only one with that type of opinion. Several of our mutual friends also told her that she really needs to take a look at what she wants and how she has such a difficult time maintaining a stable, healthy relationship.

 

Anyway, the conversation continued and then she told me what her mother said to her. This is what irritates me: Her mother said, 'I love D very much, but maybe you just need to go out and be a floozie'... What mother says that? My ex looked at me and said 'it's no wonder I have no concept of what love is or how to embrace it'.

 

I asked her if she sees herself settling down and she told me she'd like to hope so, but doesnt know if she'll ever be ready. I asked if she's been dating and she said no. She told me that she has been using this time to develop herself, focus on herself and keep busy. She said she's discovered a lot of inconsistencies with herself that she needs to address. Again, she told me that I should never wonder whether or not she loved me b/c she did and does. She said she was so excited to have seen me and has missed me.

 

I had asked her if she was still attracted to me or found me attractive still and her response was 'Are you kidding?? You're kidding ,right? You're the most beautiful, affectionate, compassionate, soft, drop dead sexy gorgeous woman. Being attracted to you was NEVER an issue'... Hey, at least that felt good to hear!

 

We embraced several times throughout the night and she gave me a kiss goodbye. Though I would have kissed her further, she told me she knew she wouldnt be able to handle it...so I left it alone.

 

I can see that she's definitely made some strides with herself, but has a LONG way to go. I'm happy that she's at least acknowledged that she still has work to do. I did tell her that I am dating and that I'm doing really well. Though it's been difficult for me to open up to new people, I know it's something I have to do. I can't 'wait' for someone who isn't ready. I did also tell her that when and if she is ever ready, it may be too late and she said she knows.

 

I just wanted to share this with all of you b/c you've been great giving me advice where I needed it. I know there is no crystal ball that can tell me what the future holds. I've put my faith in a higher power with this one and truly believe that what's meant to happen, will. I can't wait for something that I want to happen, because something better may be lurking around the corner for me. Again, I'm going to be relying on time....

 

Has anyone ever been in my ex's position? Have no concept of love based on the relationships your parents had? Been afraid to settle down? I would like to say it's her age, but I know this goes far beyond that...

 

Knowing that she does love me and still expresses it to me, still embraces me...it just means a lot..

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I'm happy for you, hope everything works out how you want it to.

 

Thanks BW. I want to believe that we can be happy together. But, it's just not an option at this juncture. She knows that if she is ever to want to be together again, she has an awful lot of work to do on herself and in order to gain my trust back; giving me a reason to stay..

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I know sweetheart, only time will tell. I cant tell you that when we hung out, there were several times where we just looked at each other and smiled. She was sitting on her bed and I approached her, got down on my knees and just looked up at her and said, 'A, I haven't given up on you yet. I truly love you with all of my heart and what will be, will be'...I could see how much it meant to her by her reaction.....

 

This is just so hard at times..

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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