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Self loathing...


somethngwrng

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I don't even know where to start. I feel so gross and dirty right now. I'm a 24 year old guy and I've been staying at a girl friend's house that I am not even remotely interested in, sleeping in her bed. Just because I have absolutely nothing else to do. We have cuddles and often leads to kissing. The other night she mastrubated while she was kissing me and I just didn't care and let her do it even though I was uncomfortable.

 

Then last night I got drunk and hooked up with her friend who I find really unattractive and ended up having oral sex (my reasoning at the time, it would be good practice). This sparked massive jealousy from the other girl combined with the fact I pulled a dumb, drunken practical joke on her. I changed her facebook status to "[name] is getting her jollies over people like [my name]".

 

The next day (today), the girl I had oral sex with then proceeded to lie and say that I came onto her (the opposite is the truth) and that I was trying to have sex with her (I didn't). Now my friend won't even talk to me and she said she is going to leave all my crap in the driveway and go out before I get home. She also said all this crap about me disrespecting her and never helping her out, which is so far from the truth I am actually quite offended.

 

I feel so disgusting right now and I wish none of this had happened.

 

I have never done anything like this in my life before and I never want to let myself get into a situation like this again.

 

Ugh.

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I have "woken up" before and found myself in similar situations. The self-loathing can be unbearable but the important thing for me was to bring myself back. I needed to stop doing things I thought were reprehensible so I could start feeling better about myself. Eventually when I felt I was "out of the woods" I began to forgive myself. These are important life lessons that shape who we are (and who we are not).

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To be honest, I think that you did disrespect her by posting that message on facebook, so she isn't out of line by feeling ticked off about that. She also isn't wrong in booting you out...you were staying with her, had some sexual contact with her and then you also had intimate contact with her friend so there are bound to be some hurt feelings all around.

 

You've learned a valuable lesson and you're not alone in finding yourself in a situation where you've had morning after regrets. Remember how you feel right now when you find yourself tempted to do something like this in the future. Random sex may seem like a good idea at the time, but ultimately it can leave you feeling rather empty.

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Honestly, I feel even worse because the sex was not even tempting. I never touched myself once or let them touch me down there. I did not even become aroused at any time. Half the reason I feel so dirty is that I didn't even want any of this in the first place.. I let her just do what she wanted and didn't really reciprocate anything except the kissing (which was usually late night after cuddling). The second girl I gave oral sex to just because I wanted practice I guess.

 

I felt so empty and emotionless I just went with the flow and it led me to this. She knew I was having issues with depression and I guess she was trying to help me but it really did nothing. Now I feel even more empty and emotionless than before.. except the self loathing.

 

I want to go far away, where noone knows me.. and just live alone.

 

I don't feel cut out to deal with life anymore. (I would never commit suicide though)

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I think you need to go a little easier on yourself. From what you've said, you didn't lead either of these girls to believe that these were anything more than casual encounters, so they need to take responsibility for their own actions as willing participants. Yes, they may be hurt, but they're adults and made their own decisions. The facebook thing is another story, and I do think that you owe your friend an apology for that.

 

It sounds like there's more going on with you than just this one episode though. You're having sex that you're not enjoying with people that you aren't attracted to because you have nothing else to do and you said you're depressed. You may go home and find your stuff on the driveway...what are you going to do? Maybe it's time for you to take stock of your life and make some changes. Get involved in some things that interest you, see a doctor about your depression and think about the possibility of pursuing an actual relationship with someone that you can care about.

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I did apologise to the girl very much so, but she wouldn't accept it. I've been back there now and picked up my stuff. I don't actually live there, I have been paying rent for another place but just staying with her while her room-mates are overseas.

 

Yes, I do have issues. I would love nothing more than a loving relationship with a nice girl I'm attracted to, but that's just really not happening for me (I've been looking my whole life!). Even in my earlier 20's when I was something of a gym bunny, very fit and much more socially equipped I didn't tend to do well at all. I have always persued the girls I am interested in and come out empty handed. The only relationship I ever really had has been online and lasted about 12 months before she got swept away by some prince charming. That was 3 months before we were apparently going to finally meet (and live together). There was another girl I dated for 3 months that I really liked when I was 20.. I'd rather not go into that though.

 

This is just another broken friendship, my life is full of them. Most the time when I stop being friends with people it's my choice/mutual decision, this is the first time I have really been cast out.

 

I don't want to see a doctor about depression because

1. I think it's important for me to tackle this alone.

2. I hate the thought of being perscribed "happy pills".

3. I can't afford a shrink and don't think it would really help me.

 

Positive things I am doing at the moment:

-I started back up at the gym and want to get my old physique back.

-I started getting back into middle distance running, I am slowly working my times down - still about 4 minutes slower for 5km than 2 years ago!

-I am trying to meet people through internet sites and one of them has suggested we goto a "meet and greet" night next friday. Haven't actually met her yet but she sounds genuinely interested in being friends.

-Will begin part time, possibly full time study next year and finally complete my Computer Science degree I started years ago. I would love a job with more responsibility and direction.

-Healthier eating/better sleep habits/taking care of my appearance.

-Disconnected my internet (use it too much. I'm at a net cafe now. haha. Nothing else to do).

 

Anyway sorry for the super long post, but that paints a picture of where I am. Desperately lonely and rolling my eyes at the 2 guys opposite me using every curse word under the sun as they play CounterStrike. ](*,)

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It sounds like you have a good plan and I'm glad you're not going to be stuck out on the street! One thing...if you find yourself falling into what feels like a serious depression, don't be afraid to see a doctor. People can't always tackle it alone and there's no need to. I get what you're saying about meds, but they do help alot of people and there's no shame in asking for help if you feel you need it.

 

As for what you're feeling because of this whole episode...forgive yourself.

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