Jump to content

Fear


pushforward
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Recommended Posts

Having the same song on repeat.

 

mflo - let go (acoustic)

 

Reminding myself to let go.

 

Why do I fear losing her? She's long gone. This is so hard. The memories swirling in my head. Seems like a dream. Why has fear taken this deep root in my heart saying I cannot let her go.

 

I'm so stubborn. It really hurts. These what ifs and fantasies of me rejecting her; they plague me. I need to get over this hump. It's one after another.

 

First it's the feeling my heart break.

 

Second it's trying to fix what's broken.

 

Third is picking up the pieces.

 

Fourth is finding myself.

 

Fifth is letting go.

 

It's like one trial after another.

 

Why am I so afraid to let go of this one person? Do I really love her? Or is this co-dependency? I could let anybody else go and not look back. Why do I question this...

 

Fear is consuming me. I embrace the fear because it loses it's power and vice grip over me. No contact allows me to do so. A day older, a day wiser. A conscious effort to rid myself of your existence. To start a new and not love you. Love for me. Love for others. Love for everything in my life. You can leave now. Goodbye.

 

Sleepy... -_-"

 

It's so gloomy out. Perfect time to play hooky from work and curl under the bed sheets and sleep!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish i had the answers, today i am suffering very greatly, i dont know how to let go either. And ya shes long gone, it just kills me inside. I dont know how to communicate how i feel most times. Memories are the most terrible thing, even now mentioning the very word instantly tears into my gut as my mind is flooded with all the things that used to be. I dont think i can be over what happened until i find someone new, its like i need someone to open up too.

 

Codependency is so strange, i know i fell in love with her, for her. But i also know i fell in love with being in a relationship. So now it feels as though i mourn both.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is exactly how i felt this morning.

 

Like no joke I am preventing myself from letting go of him. And the only way i am doing this is by checking his stuff, we don't even talk and haven't forever! I feel so stupid, b/c I know checking his stuff keeps him fresh in my mind, and which consume my thoughts when i get bored or alone.

 

I also have this fear of letting go and I just want to. He let go, there is nothing there left, and I need to. Sometimes I try to focus more that it must stink for him that I am not in his life, rather then think of how he isn't in mine.

 

I also though have the fake fantasies where he will come back and want me, and I can reject or he will see me and see how much I have accomplished without him and be shocked that I could live without him. The thing I also have been concentrating on is that i don't think he doubts that, i think he knows I will proceed with my life, and will accomplish things. Unlike me who couldn't understand how he could function without me.

 

This is the hardest thing, I got through all the stages but this one actually feels like a task rather then it just easily happening. I hope me not checking his stuff out helps, but at least i know it won't hurt me. And i hope slowly my thoughts will wander to other things, and I don't even notice it.

 

i feel now I think about something else and I am like wow, I didn't think about my Ex that is weird. I want it to be that I randomly think about my Ex and think wow that is weird that he just popped into my head.

 

1 day is fine playing hooky... but tom make sure you get up, sometimes skipping work it actually makes it harder the next day to get up and go.

Feel better!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I feel like playing hooky, but will not. I can save that for the weekends and my pity party!

 

You really should stick to strict NC. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

Odd how my ex says I can accomplish anything. Back and forth. My head hurts. Letting go 100%, no hope for the future. Endure this now and become better through this. I just need to vent. Been feeling really good, then really feeling blah. Up and down; round and round. I'm ready to get off this emotional ride. I am delaying my own healing, yet I feel I am going at the right pace. More confusion follows.

 

Not sure what is real. Except my feelings. Nothing to assume about her. Nothing to try to figure out. Only thing I have is me and I know I'm completely honest about what I feel. Now to use my feelings as a fuel to betterment.

 

Back to work I go and reading more posts about letting go.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dont you wish sometimes they would just punch you in the face then stab you in the back so you actually had a reason to hate them?

 

She broke my heart. That's more than enough reason.

 

How about we write a list of why we should not get back with them.

 

It went from a break to a break up.

 

She went from the most loving to a cold heartless person.

 

She wanted time alone; to figure herself out. 2 months later she's dating.

 

She says she's afraid to let me go; hello plan b.

 

She never cared after the break up.

 

She will not care on special days.

 

Only I remember all the good.

 

She doesn't have a real solid reason for breaking up. She says it's her, not me. She can't just be honest and let me know I'm not the guy she wants to spend her life with. (Funny how she said she can see a future with me after the breakup.)

 

I don't trust her.

 

I don't believe anything she says.

 

She says she still loves me and has feelings. (Sick to my stomach)

 

She has bad communication skills.

 

The list can go on and on.

 

But these are the main reasons of not getting back with her and I itemize each thing in my head. With time, the good things about her start to seep in. This list reminds me of her true nature. She isn't a monster or anything. She just isn't honest with me. I hate that the most.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...