Jump to content

Breakup in need of guidance


HurtAdi

Recommended Posts

Hi everyone, I have a big dilemma on my hands. I just broke up with my girlfriend about 2 weeks ago, after a relationship of almost 5 and a half years.

We started our romantic lives together, this being the first relationship we had. It was a great ride and it was the happiest time of my life. We almost never fought, everything was going so great but problems started showing up. I was over analyzing things and decided to slow down the relationship until I find out if she's the woman I want to be with the rest of my life. Unfortunately in the process she felt neglected and turned to an online game for attention, which in turn made me feel neglected. I tried a few times to show her I'm better than that game, but failed, felt miserably and just accepted that maybe she needs to find out for herself that an online video game can only bring so much happiness. Unfortunately she found in that game someone who she said is more romantic than me(more on that later)... Two weeks ago she told me she wants to be friends, because she wants to see what else life has to offer her before she starts having serious thoughts again.

 

Of course my first reactions were to plead with her, beg, do what every human being that is taken out of its comfort zone would do. Then I stopped, I started becoming rational, and it hit me: I do want to live my life with this girl. I do want to change what I've done wrong to/with her and become the best and only man she'll ever desire. But then I've became once again driven by emotions, started pleading to get back again, only to fail miserably.

 

We had communication problems for as long as I know, but only because she had this thing of keeping everything bottled inside of her and not saying anything until she'd explode in rage. I make it one of my biggest mistakes for ignoring this issue and never trying that hard to change it.

 

This week we had some messenger conversations and I've asked her the first 4 most irritating things about me that she couldn't live with for the next of her life and I got: being extremely predictable, not being a natural romantic, I rarely showed interest, and I didn't help her that much... as you see, all of them are doable, more or less (even being romantic can be learned). This (I say) doesn't account for a breakup after this much time, and yet without a verbal warning beforehand... One month we were abroad spending our vacations together, next month she said she wants out. We had our problems, that I agree, but some I didn't knew ever existed before breaking up... doesn't a couple that wants the relationship to work talk about these things? Is she just bored with me and wants something different?

 

So our position now is "friends with benefits" although she might be doing this out of pity for me, I'm not quite sure about it and afraid to ask. I don't want her for the sex, I want her for what she is and for what she makes me want to be when she's around me.

 

How do you guys/gals think I should handle this? Feel that I want to do anything in order to win her love once again. Just don't know how. Friends are giving me diverging suggestions, but all I can think of is that I want her back in my love life, and want to give her what I was afraid of giving her before.... my heart.

 

Thanks for any advice you might have and please excuse the length of the post.

Adi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One question that comes to my mind is where she stands on all this. If she's keeping you around for sex, at least the physical attraction is still there. What you need to find out is if she still loves you - and maybe she doesn't even know the answer to that question yet (and you too?) I say give it time, not necessarily stop this or try get that or even fill your head with "I should have" statements. Time will disentangle fearing a loss of comfort and uncertainty with lasting ties of love. It sucks. It's taken me a year, but I think I am finally getting there. Clarity of mind is possible.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dude....I totally know how you feel. My boyfriend just broke up with me three weeks ago. Over the past few months, since March, he picked up playing World of Warcraft...started out slow, then turned into 30 hours of playing/week!!! I tried to get his attention, and failed miserably too...storming off in fits of rage. We lived together, so being able to avoid it meant sitting cooped up in the bedroom. Yes...we had communication problems, but I had no idea how to handle fighting against a video game, and we're both adults here acting like big kids. And other issues came along towards the past few months too...my other posts go into that.

 

On a good note, we're working back to each other, slowly...which is good, gives us time to work things out along the way. So there's hope...she told you at least what you could work on yourself...she blatantly said that she doesn't feel you care about her. She gave you great love, yet to wanted to back away from it, slow it down...guarantee it really upset her, saying that...

 

Easy things: "being extremely predictable, not being a natural romantic, I rarely showed interest, and I didn't help her that much"

 

Be unpredictable (try different approaches), be romantic (flowers are a good start, wine/dine), show interest (invite her out on a date doing something SHE likes...don't forget genuine compliments!), and if she needs help with something, jump on it!

 

And yup, I know your putting up with the FWB just to be with her, but don't...simply say, let's go have a fun date. And that whole, "I wanna be friends thing, I have a gamer boyfriend...ya know she's only saying that to hurt you...

 

So go slow...no begging, pleading, just open, honestly, light convo, and it's still early enough to lay on the romance (months down the line of break-up...not so much)...and honestly, that video game dude...guarantee was nothing more than someone who stroked her ego...you can blow that dude out of the water...it'll be work, but keep the faith!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

sorry for the delayed response, I've been swamped with life and had no time to post updates.

 

shykid: yes, I've been thinking about this for a long time and I'm still not 100% sure. For a long time I thought that for a woman,mentally, the guy she is sleeping with is the guy she is with, but on the other hand you're right, until I get everything together the benefits part should be avoided.

 

staircase: yes, she told me she's still physically attracted to me. I was thinking about just hanging in there no matter what pain it causes me and use that physical attraction to rekindle the emotional part. However, I tried to do that but i wasn't stable enough to just have good clean fun with her and almost always ended our dates with me going depressed and try to rationalize with her why can't we be together. At one point she said she saw me changing and liked it, so she's confused about what to do next, but she already made up her mind and doesn't want to change her plans (she'll be waiting for the guy she met and fell in love within that online game to come visit her next spring) and see if it works out with him, and only after that make a decision. (I know everything might sound immature at times, but given that we've also hooked up over instant messenger might give you a hint as to what sort of computer geeks we are

At times I feel I want to try to just be there for her since she'll be facing a horrible university year and i feel i can help her, as a friend if she doesn't want anything more than that, in hope that she'll realize how much she really means to me and give us another chance. I know this is far from the NC/get your life together strategies that so many over here advocate, but I feel this girl is really special and I don't want to loose her because I didn't do everything in my power to be with her.

 

tattoobunnie: I can really relate to some of what you've said. It's so fight for the attention of a loved one against a video game.

Thanks for all the hope you've inspired me, it really was a hard blow when she said at one time that this guy gave her in a month more that i gave her in 5 years. It's true, I took the relationship for granted and didn't work for it nearly as much as she did, and in the past year I got a job that ate most of my spare time along with my energy, so I've been ignoring her more and more, we both over analyze things: I thought i was giving her space and time to tend to school and she'll thank me for that, she thought i was giving her space because i found someone else, so she started searching for someone else.

I really hope I will get to show her how much I care for her and how much I want to change my old ways in order to rekindle our relationship. At least, if she will say no to everything I've done then I'll know there's no way I could have kept her with me for all our lives.

However, consistency is not my strong point, not in my love for her which is the same as 1 month ago when I first posted here, but in what route should I take to be with her again. I tried going NC which went good until last night when I collapsed and invited her to sushi. Now I'm not so sure if NC is the way to go, if I should let her miss me at least after new year, or if I should go to LC and escalate little by little until we're both having fun and want to spend more and more time together (which I certainly crave for).

 

Every advice is welcome especially if someone was in a similar situation and got the girl in the end, how did you do it?

Adi

Link to comment
Share on other sites

"(she'll be waiting for the guy she met and fell in love within that online game to come visit her next spring) and see if it works out with him, and only after that make a decision." While that makes absolutely no sense...she could essentially be talking to be 400 lb 50 yr old. They haven't met yet? Wow...yeah, totally trying to hurt you.

 

If that's what she wants let her. It'll give her a cold hard check of reality that the guy could turn out to be a total bone-head. At this point, sometimes to have to really let them go before they can bounce back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeh I know, this affair started because she thought I'm seeing someone else while still being with her. This is because I've hurt her this spring when I was in a weird mindspace and basically asked her to turn our relationship into an open one, because at the moment i felt so secure of having her that I felt I could go and explore what else is there while she'd be there for me. I know it was dumb of me,but at that moment I couldn't see any harm in that. Even though I never acted on that impulse since I was getting everything i needed from her, it was an impulsive decision to regret later on.

She never confronted me about it and I never felt the need to reassure her she's my only one. So she thought it's ok to just give chances to other people because I fell out of love for her. But now that she saw I still care about her and has to decide whether to be with me or see what else the world has to offer, she said she'll be selfish about this and see what else is there for her.

 

I can probably be happy with someone else and she can be too, but I feel she's the best person I've known in my entire life and I'd really like a chance to do things differently. She still tells me that I'm her masculine role-model in a lot of ways in life and we still communicate great in some aspects, so I guess that's what's all that matters in the end: giving everything you've got and hoping she'll reciprocate.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

She won't see it now. They don't until they get to see the other side things. People can be happy with others if they want to, and yes, you could be the happiest with her, but at this time, you're not living. You may have to let her go for now. It seems the table has turned. You thought you had her, so you didn't work to be with her. Now you're working so hard to be with her, since she doesn't want you.

 

There was a reason why you took her for granted. Ego, maybe? A reason why you started to back off and want things open. Could be time to find out why. And since you're both so much in the heat of the situation, she still carries resentment for you. Backing off, and giving them time to miss you actually does get them to reminisce over the good times. Sure, don't let it end with blowing it up...Leave it as, "I love you, I want you and only you. Right now, with what you're telling me, it seems you need to find what you're looking for. The situation we are in now is not what I'm looking for from you. And if and when you may be ready one day, I'll be here."

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much tattoobunnie, I guess this is the crutch I needed to go on with NC or at least very LC. It'll give me time to work on my sticking points and become the person I want to be for my sweetheart. Though they're not gonna meet for at least 4-5 months at least. I wonder how she'll cope with that wait but most importantly, I wonder if I can stick to the gameplan (I'm sorry I'm a competitive person and I can better internalize everything if I turn it into a competition). Probably that's why it was so hard to let go without fighting for her. But, as you said, it may be time to really let her go her own way and she'll ever want me back I'll try to be there. If not it probably wasn't meant to be. (again, I hate this, not more than 1,5 months ago I firmly believed that each person creates his own destiny through his actions and choices).

Thanks again for the advice and I do hope that both our stories will have a happy ending.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Be unpredictable (try different approaches), be romantic (flowers are a good start, wine/dine), show interest (invite her out on a date doing something SHE likes...don't forget genuine compliments!), and if she needs help with something, jump on it!

 

And yup, I know your putting up with the FWB just to be with her, but don't...simply say, let's go have a fun date. And that whole, "I wanna be friends thing, I have a gamer boyfriend...ya know she's only saying that to hurt you...

 

So go slow...no begging, pleading, just open, honestly, light convo, and it's still early enough to lay on the romance (months down the line of break-up...not so much)...and honestly, that video game dude...guarantee was nothing more than someone who stroked her ego...you can blow that dude out of the water...it'll be work, but keep the faith!

 

Wow, really great advice!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guess I'll be venting over here....

Thursday afternoon she calls me saying she has to walk some distance, felt lonely and I was the only one she could talk. We went on and on and then something caught my attention:

 

We were talking about me having it all (good job, financial stability, university diploma) while she's in a mess with school, and I said something along the lines of: "Yes, I almost have everything..." at which she replied: "Well, I'm still single" or "Well, I'm also single" (don't remember exactly). Then the conversation broke down in this area. I'm in LC, strictly responding to her contact attempts, because I basically can't convince myself to ignore her for more than a day; although I know that NC might be the easiest way for me to work on the things she said didn't like about me and for her to make up her mind, sometimes old habits resurface in comes the old clingy, pushy me.

 

How would you guys see the conversation? To me, her reply sounded like an invitation...something along the line of "If you love me then try to get me back". By god, I'll try to take it as slow as possible, give both of us time to heal and rethink things.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guess NC is the way to go for relationships. Even in my case it probably would be the best move. When I tried NC and for 1 week and tried again for 4 days before I kinda caved in and went LC, after that (when we talked about it) she said she had a lot of impulses to pick up the phone, call me and tell me she wants to be back together. She said her mind still tells her that I'm the one she should choose (thus implied that her heart tells otherwise, or we'd have been back together). But right now I'm beginning to let go of this relationship, as I feel used.

 

Last week we've kinda went from LC to normal contact, she even slept at my place for 2 nights as she needed help with school (and I've helped her at the expense of my job, hate myself for that but I couldn't help it, I've always reacted like that whenever she asked for my help At one point she did ask me how would I see going back to how we were before the break-up, as an open relationship. Totally hurtful, as it from the start implies she being shared between 2 men, one to be around her help her and care for her, while she'd have time to experience what else is there with the other guy (even if he's far away).

At this point I know if I get back to her I can probably "persuade" her it time that I'm the best choice for her and it wouldn't be impossible to even get her not to meet the guy face to face when he'll be able to come visit her. But if I get back with her now I'll feel like she's settling, and probably will have the feeling she wants someone else for the rest of my life.

So at this point I might use that FWB thing for a while, but as you guys suggested, it would probably will do me far better if I don't. At this point I can't be her just her friend and the benefits are probably doing me a lot more harm than good. So I guess some healing time would be best instead of a rebound, coupled with strict NC.

 

I kinda know in the back of my head that if I let her go she'll act upon her feelings (she's so insecure about everything, friends, school, family... At one point she even mentioned suicide, which is a dumb thing to do out of love if you're the dumper and not the dumpee) and sooner or later she'll want to be back with me, because I don't think she's stable enough to be on her own. But at this point her neediness is kinda pushing me away. Don't get me wrong, I love helping her out, I love being there for her and I absolutely adore how we clicked in almost everything we did together, I'd want to spend 24/7 with her, but right now I feel that if she's coming back to me, it's because she can't be by herself, and not because she genuinely loves me (really, from all the motives she gave for me being the logical choice, not one was about loving me).

 

Should I get back with her and stick there trying to reignite the spark in her, or should I just let go, let her be and if destiny will want to reunite us further along the road, so be it. I really love this girl, and would love to live my life with her, I just want to feel that she's doing it for love, not because she's settling. Is she testing me to see if I settle for less before caving in and admitting she wants to get back?

 

Thanks, you've really helped me recover from the desperation I initially had and actually got me to a point where I have the power to decide my future based on logic, not heartbreak.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just got off IM with her, where she basically told me she deleted me from her phone and was about to delete me from IM as well. God it hurts.

She said she's not sure she wants me, she said she's not sure if she wants the other guy. I proposed that we should be taking things slowly, getting into each other's lives without asking for something in return, and she agreed with that. But afterwards, I forgot to keep it low key and ended up in her saying that she's my first and that's why I feel attachment (and not love) for her. God, she's got so low self-esteem, at one point I truly believed she was ending this because she doesn't think that she's good enough for me, but as she said they were "reasons for u to accept that I'm not worth fighting for"... and when I asked what if I can't see it her way, she dropped the bomb. She deleted me from her phone and deleted me from IM.

 

I think she's influenced by a lot of people that were talking with her when I was neglecting her, and now have their minds set about me.

 

As of now, the only thing that's stopping me from calling her (even if she doesn't answer), and just spamming her on IM with pleas to keep in contact is because I know this might have been a rash decision (She said herself she can't change her feelings that easy) and all this probably won't do anything except give her more to push against. What hurts me is the fact that last week everything was great, she even made plans with me (involuntarily she slipped "we should go there" and "we should do that" into the conversation), and because I was needy yesterday and said we should take a brake and think things through instead of just going with the flow and enjoying everything she's offering me, now she said she doesn't want to talk or see me again.

 

I'd still give my life for this girl, so please don't tell me she doesn't deserve me or any of those, as right now I can't take any advice that doesn't involve me getting back with her.

I know that right now this isn't possible, she needs time to feel my absense, and I need time to heal the fresh wounds. I just hope I can get through the following days without going back to the way I was 1 1/2 months ago when the initial brake occurred.

 

Please help me get through this stage, I thought I was over this phase, but this mistake I've made has thrown me almost back to square 1.

 

Any comments/advice would be welcome.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Since the relationship was the first for both of you, and she clearly wants her freedom now, I think it's best to give it a break for a while.

It's like the expression, "If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, they're yours forever. If they don't come back, they never were yours."

 

Some people just need experience in life to know what they want from a mate. And I would strongly recommend refraining from friends with benefits. Don't let her take you for granted. Let her see what she's missing when she breaks up with you, and in the meantime, move on with your life. Cut contact with her. Give her a taste of life without you, and show her you can't be abused. If she really has feelings for you, she'll give up on other guys and come back to you.

 

In all likelihood, you did nothing wrong in the relationship. She might not know what a good catch she had until she loses it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm going threw the same phase, my ex is already dating another person, less than 2-3 weeks after our break up! It hurts!

 

Keep doing on NC! If you call, it will hurt you, of what she might possbily say!

 

I had to learn the hard way, and it hurted my guts! Best bet, is to do NC !

Link to comment
Share on other sites

All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...