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how reliable is a gut feeling


ladylay

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I know he has been talking to his ex. I found out because i looked thru his phone. He came clean without me actually telling him I looked thru the phone. He says he doesn't really see why he should meet up with her and wasn't sure if he wanted to. but one of his texts said that he had been thinking about her a lot. now i'm obsessively freaking out...getting this gut feeling that he is meeting her...and that maybe he will leave me for her. i don't know what to do. maybe i am just feeling guilty for not coming clean about looking through the phone...but my gut is usually right. what do you think?

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I know he has been talking to his ex. I found out because i looked thru his phone. He came clean without me actually telling him I looked thru the phone. He says he doesn't really see why he should meet up with her and wasn't sure if he wanted to. but one of his texts said that he had been thinking about her a lot. now i'm obsessively freaking out...getting this gut feeling that he is meeting her...and that maybe he will leave me for her. i don't know what to do. maybe i am just feeling guilty for not coming clean about looking through the phone...but my gut is usually right. what do you think?

 

keep in mind, he said "me too". he didn't actually said I have been thinking about you a lot. I think it makes a difference. Maybe he just said that so that she knows he has been thinking about her as well. How is your relationship in all? has he said why he even want to meet up with his ex? What is he thinking about his ex? answer these questions and we'll decide you should freak out or not

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yeh...most of me thinks you are right.

 

this guy is amazing...our relationship has been great. i am a little hard on him and demanding sometimes..but i'm trying to be better. he is very secretive and keeps his emotions (and i think some other stuff) inside...which scares me. he has talked about his ex a little but it seems like he made his decision about her a long time ago.

 

still...can't shake the feeling

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he didn't say why. he said "i don't think she wants to rekindle...i don't know what she wants..." he also said that he didn't really see the point in seeing her...and i was honest...i said i didn't want him to see her but that i didn't think it was my decision to make...i told him to do what he wanted but just to be open with me about it. He didn't respond...and i got the feeling that he still might go see her. i just don't know if he will actually be open about it.

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yeh...most of me thinks you are right.

 

this guy is amazing...our relationship has been great. i am a little hard on him and demanding sometimes..but i'm trying to be better. he is very secretive and keeps his emotions (and i think some other stuff) inside...which scares me. he has talked about his ex a little but it seems like he made his decision about her a long time ago.

 

still...can't shake the feeling

 

I think you should tell him you are a bit uncomfortable with him seeing his ex and just ask him why does he want to do that? but don't be controlling or demanding. I think you probably can say with the way he answers what he is really thinking...

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that is what i would like to do...but he likes his alone time. he has always been that way and we have been spending a lot of time together so we (and by that i mean he) decided to rest it for a day or two. i guess that is also why i'm feeling so insecure about it. what if he is lying about wanting alone time and he is meeting up with this other chica?

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he didn't say why. he said "i don't think she wants to rekindle...i don't know what she wants..." he also said that he didn't really see the point in seeing her...and i was honest...i said i didn't want him to see her but that i didn't think it was my decision to make...i told him to do what he wanted but just to be open with me about it. He didn't respond...and i got the feeling that he still might go see her. i just don't know if he will actually be open about it.

 

hmmm, then let him see her. Don't ask about what is going on. I would do that if I were you anyways. Then if his behavior becomes more suspicious you'll know something more is going on which means he is not the right guy for you. I just think preventing it from happening is not wise.

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Okay what good reason does he have to cheat? I mean really? Let it go or it'll ruin your relationship. His ex may just be trying to lure him in because she is at an age to have the need to settle. But this guy must love and care for you, you need to trust he won't do anything.

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Why does he need to reconnect with her? How long has it been since he isn't with her? How long have you been together? And how long after he broke up with her did he start dating you?

 

he hasn't been with her in about 10 months. he was with her for 2 year. we have been together about 6 months...that is 4 months after he started dating me.

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I agree with the poster who pointed out that this isn't actually a "gut feeling". You saw something you shouldn't have that has influenced your thoughts and feelings about the situation.

 

I would let it go and try to remember that if he wants to break up with you, he'll do it, no matter what you've seen, how much you worry, or anything else. I used to date someone who I would constantly push away in all sorts of insidious ways with the thinking that he didn't really want to be with me anyway. And sure enough, it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

You have to trust him. I don't think you have much of a choice, short of hiring a detective to follow him around.

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Id be concerned if my girl was 'thinking about her ex a lot'. Thats not a good sign. That doesnt mean hes cheating, or will leave you... but it certainly sounds either a little flirty or maybe a sign of some deeper problems. Just keep an eye on how he behaves, and how you two are getting along. If you start to notice things going awry then maybe look a little deeper into this situation with the ex.

But if things are otherwise good... let it go.

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>>"i don't think she wants to rekindle...i don't know what she wants..."

 

The problem with him saying that is that he is not talking about his feelings for her, but her feelings for him. The real question is does HE want to rekindle with her? There is no way of knowing that unless he tells you the truth about that, and even if you ask him a direct question, you can't be sure that he'll be honest with you, especially if he is not sure which one of you he really wants yet.

 

Sadly, if he is going to go back with her, he is going to go back. I think your best bet here is to talk to him, and tell him that if he is having doubts about your relationship, you'd really prefer to know so you can deal with it, either by working on the problems, or agreeing it's not working and breaking up. You can try to bring it out in the open by telling him you would hate to be in the position of being someone's girlfriend, while he had doubts and talks to other women but doesn't talk about what is going on with you..

 

So i wouldn't focus so much on the idea of cheating, but on whether he is happy in the relationship, or might be discontented or thinking about leaving or pursuing someone else.

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ok...so i have one last question. if an ex contacted you and says that they are thinking of you a lot lately, would you feel obligated to say "me too" ?

 

no - not at all if I was over them completely. I would ignore the question all together. I can see that response happening if you still have lingering feelings for your ex - then you feel "obligated" to say me too...

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no - not at all if I was over them completely. I would ignore the question all together. I can see that response happening if you still have lingering feelings for your ex - then you feel "obligated" to say me too...

 

do you think those lingering feelings are necissarily a bad thing?

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