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He wore me down...


degrl23

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So that guy I had been seeing for 2.5 months that dropped off the face of the earth after the "is this headed towards bf/gf level or are we just doing this for convenience" conversation is back. I just bought a condo and was really excited and sent a mass text to everyone in my phone book, which included him. He immediately sent a text back saying congratulations when do I get to see the place. I said when hell freezes over. THen he wrote back so when At the time I was out at a work function and a little tipsy so I wrote back that I couldn't talk to him cause I was out. WHich led to him asking if I had been drinking and then him making the comment that I was the most adorable light weight that he had ever met (I am 3 sheets to the wind after 1 glass of wine). I left it alone and didn;t say anything back.

 

Well the following week he sent me a text while I was at work asking me how I was. I am sure its because I do still have feelings for him that I wrote back, but I like to think it is because I don't want to ignore anyone since its rude. We got to chit chatting and he asked to see my place again. I said if he was free that night he could stop by. He said he was out at a friends 21st b-day but would be over as soon as he could leave. I said ok, but this was strictly a tour of the place, not a booty call. He said that sounded great and "I can't wait to see you beautiful". At 11 I get a call, he was asking for directions. He said he would call me when he got out front so I could let him in. Well after 2 hours I gave up waiting and went to bed. I get a call the next morning, he was far drunker than he let on and woke up on the side of the road that morning. I was angry that he had driven drunk and told him as much, and then said I had stuff to do and got off the phone.

 

That night I was out with friends and he spent the whole time texting me. It started off friendly, but then became flirty as the night wore on. The next morning he sent me a text asking if I had slept well blah blah blah and we spent the day texting back and forth. We made plans to see one another, but the world series was on so he had to cancel.

 

I got tickets to game 5 and while I was there he was texting me, just friendly teasing about how lucky I was even though I don't like baseball, and asking me if I knew the riles etc. Well as each night wore on he asked me how the roads were and how traffic was. I told him, it was a zoo. He would end the convo with "Please be careful and let me know when you get home". Sure this is something that good friends would say to one another but he isn't that way. He is very "macho tough guy" and only nice when being sarchastic.

 

Anyway, again this weekend we both had plans, but I did ask him to call me so I could explain something I had asked him to do (trying to get my friend a job where he works) he called me and spent most of the conversation asking me what I thought about something going on involving him at work that had him very concerned. Again odd behavior for him to open up, especially when the situation made him look "dumb".

 

I guess what my questions are; am I being an idiot by starting things up with this guy again? I feel like nothing has changed since he hasn't even addressed that he flat out ignored me for over a month. I want to shake him till he answers me, but my guy friends have said to leave it alone. If he wants to talk about it he will, if I bring it up he may take it as me trying to corner him into a "what are we" conversation. They also say that if things do head down that road of relationship again then I should bring it up but not in an accusing manner to let him know that he has to be an adult and owe up to things. My other question, do you think he is trying to get a relationship started again? I mean maybe he is just trying to be friends with me only, but to me, the whole "beautiful" comment and the fact he almost killed himself trying to see me and checking up on me to make sure I got home ok are "relationship" type behaviors. But then again, why haven't we made solid plans to see each other yet?

 

What should I do to express that I am ok with friends, but would prefer a relationship, and just want to know what page he is on without scaring him away?

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Sounds like this guy is a little boy.. no where near being a man... if your okay with all this childish wishy washy stuff and still want a rel with him.. then just simply ask him.. what he wants...

you sounds like a mature person.. not sure why you would ever wanna put up with this...

 

I am 28 live in the ne.. and when i was 21 i never acted like this...

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ive been in situations where i have tried to make plans with someone and it continues to not fall though. For me (not saying this is your case) usually i am like this when im real non scholant about the situation or person. sorta like whatever with the whole situation. IMO, if either of you really wanted to see one another, it would have happened by now. Ive cancelled plans with friends before cause i really wanted to see a certain gal. If you or he really wanted something to come out of this, more effort would have been taken to make it happen.

 

Im thinking this game will just go back and forth until you get sick of it and cut things off again. Honestly i dont see a relationship happening with this guy cause he seems really unstable.

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Actually he is 24, not sure if that makes his behavior better or worse. LOL, but I had my own place before as well (I am 26). I was just renting instead of owning.

 

I don't want to put up with the crap, but when he and I are together, things are great you know? Outside of our social habits (he goes out every friday night and drinks, and I am content to board games and have the tolerance of an infant) we both have numerous things in common (likes, beliefs, hobbies) I have known him since we were both in High School and everyone we know tells us how obvious it was he had a crush on me back then. Have you ever heard the saying that we can't pick who we love/care about? Well my brain is saying "He is too immature, maybe in a few years if he grows up things might work" but my heart is saying that I should try because if I don't then I won't know what could have been.

 

ARGH! I hate when the heart keeps overruling the head. Is there a non-confrontational way to ask him what's going on?

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ive been in situations where i have tried to make plans with someone and it continues to not fall though. For me (not saying this is your case) usually i am like this when im real non scholant about the situation or person. sorta like whatever with the whole situation. IMO, if either of you really wanted to see one another, it would have happened by now. Ive cancelled plans with friends before cause i really wanted to see a certain gal. If you or he really wanted something to come out of this, more effort would have been taken to make it happen.

 

Im thinking this game will just go back and forth until you get sick of it and cut things off again. Honestly i dont see a relationship happening with this guy cause he seems really unstable.

 

That's kind of how I feel as well,but the optimist in me is hoping that things pan out differently. I guess I just need to hear it from those who are objective as opposed to my girl friends who are like "oh he likes you" and don't see the flags I see, even when I tell them.

 

He is working full time and trying to finish up his degree. He is very busy with school and work, and during the aforementioned argument he said he is hesitant to pursue relationships when in school and working becasue the whole "we don't have time for one another" argument comes up. Sure this could be a line, but I put myself through school while working full time and graduated early, I had no social life. Yes he could have cancelled plans, but on Friday he was going to a costume party where he and 3 of his guy friends were the ninja turtles. I doubt that would have gone over well with them.

 

Yes that is me making excuses, but I am trying to see both sides. If I had it my way, he would have come over Saturday night and we would have had a talk about why he ran in the first place and where we wanted things to go and if we agreed how we were going to try to make things work, but despite my type-A personality, I have learned that you cannot control other people and their thoughts/actions. I guess I'll try to make plans with him for this weekend and if he bails or doesn't committ then I know we were just meant to be friends and I'll leave things be.

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sometimes you have to force yourself to overrule your heart. Otherwise it might be in for a breaking. you can only try and put yourself out there so much to where it gets old. I think your liking the chase here. i did this once and it eventually ended in a disaster.

 

Thanks for the advice Yes, I know that I am setting myself up for a huge let down. I usually don't put myself out there like this. I don't like the chase, I don't like the confusion, I don't like the what-ifs. Kind of makes me wonder why I am even bothering at all, but I am setting a week time limit I guess for anything to come to fruition and then if not, move on and this time stick to it.

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well stick to your guns on this because it seems you keep giving him chances. I understand the fact of being very busy for someone in between work and school but even a simple hour or two of seeing each other is good enough. There is nothing wrong with him getting his drink on the weekends to cut loose from a hard week of work and school but like ive always said, if your really interested in someone there is always time and effort to break away from the normal routine for him to show you he is interested and that you are worth his time. Granted this last weekend was halloween but see what happens for this weekend. He is supposed to act the man role, he should initiate plans, not you but feel free to put them out there. If he cancels this time, let him know that enough is enough and you just wanna be friends. Dont be surprised though that he will apologize and grovel his way back into your good graces and from the sounds of your personality it will probably work. Your just gonna keep getting run throught he mill. you gotta put your foot down!

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I think you should start dating other people. After you try on a few other people for size, look back at this guy with some perspective. He isn't relationship material, but I know sometimes when we are really invested in an outcome that it's hard to see!

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I think you should start dating other people. After you try on a few other people for size, look back at this guy with some perspective. He isn't relationship material, but I know sometimes when we are really invested in an outcome that it's hard to see!

 

I agree, he isn't ready, but I guess I want it to work so I am trying my best to remain optimistic about everything. I am seeing other guys. I had written him off when he pulled his disappearing act a month or so ago. I guess its like that whole thing with girls wanting to date the bad boys hoping to change them so they can say they made the bad guy into a good guy for them you know?

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I had a similar experience - perhaps not to the extent of yours:

 

I met this guy, we started seeing each other and I REALLY liked him, he was attentive and sweet and listened and loved to talk for hours.... Then he dropped off the face of the earth.... He came back a few months later desperate to meet up with me again. His excuse? I scared him by sending him too many texts / emails (I'm keen but not a stalker.. it was only a few). He said he realised he read too much into that and was sorry. Anyway we chatted online (as we met online and chatted a lot on msn) but he never planned anything for another 2 months, we'd just talk for a 20 mins and then he'd go. I finally gave up and didn't go on msn and 1 week later he asked me out via text. I have declined and he has now continued to send me multiple unreciprocated texts - hypocrite?!

 

I realise that these sort of guys are opportunists, they can't make up their mind if you're someone they would settle down with, but think that since they have you hooked (and admitedly find you attractive) they can pick you up and drop you if and when they feel like it.

 

From reading your post, I would say there is 99% chance of failure for this ever becoming a relationship. My advice would be to cool off and like volpe says, date others to get more perspective. I did this and low and behold I am now over him.... It takes time but you will get over him too!

 

Ammy

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Yeah, its annoying that men seem to have the ability to be an 'opportunist' as you put it, more often than women do. Perhaps its like that new Beyonce song; If I were a boy, we know how it feels to be treated a certain way and refrain from doing the same to others.

 

I think I am just going to keep doing my thing, seeing other guys, and if he decides to be more of an adult and I am still available then great, otherwise, I'll always think of him as a friend and be there for him in that capacity.

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