Messed up relationship, I just want to get past it

[kmae23]

This will probably be long. I just want to work this out in my head to help me move on. My ex and I broke up Wednesday after 3 years. We have definitely had a lot of problems and have already broken up 3 other times with each time having a month or two apart. Usually in the beginning our problems were over him flirting with other women online and even attempting to meet up. I don't believe he ever cheated on me but he was not faithful in his actions. The first time we broke up he slept with another girl the day after when we were still talking and working things out. After 2 months of him dating around he wanted me back saying, "I still love you" and all. Then again this happened a year later and I was determined to move on. I took him back after he had a major break down and apologized..saying everything I wanted to hear. Then we moved in together and after about 6 months he started saying he lost desire for me and the old behavior came back.

 

We were off on on while we lived together for the next 6 months (financial reasons kept me dependent on the living situation) until we had an argument where he spit on my face. I moved out the same day. After 2 months of living on my own and feeling better he again came back. I slowly let him back into my life and did not tell anyone I was seeing him. of course my family did not want us together and I was ashamed for not being able to let him go.

 

Now it has been 5 months. He lived with me for a little while recently while he was waiting to move into his new place a couple blocks from here. During that time, we were mostly okay. Part of the reason I let him back in my life was because he had been in therapy and diagnosed with bipolar. He was being treated and as always I just excused all of the past behavior. Partly because I would lash out myself when I was hurt. I carried a lot of blame. And in our day to day life we were really affectionate and loving and I felt we were really in love with each other. I think it got to the point where it was us against them (the world, family, friends) whoever. I recognized it and I didn't like feeling isolated from my own life and self at times. But I just hear his voice in my thoughts and even when I am not with him I feel like I am cheating on him. I just don't know how to deal with not having him in my life. And even though I can see a lot of his actions for what they really are, I just can't seem to stop blaming myself. I constantly search my actions with him, thinking I can explain why he treats me this way and feeling crazy. I started trusting him over myself sometime ago.

 

So most recently, I had lent him 1500 for various things, the agreement was that he would pay me back in rent minus another 460 that I had lent him that I needed for bills. I am almost done with a nursing program that is really rigorous and it is hard for me to work at the same time. So I had loans that I needed to use on rent and bills. I figured lending him money and having him pay my rent each month when he gets paid wouldn't hurt me at all. I figured its the same as having a savings. But the other amount I needed for monthly bills etc. Well I told him I was running low and asked if he could help me pay a bill if I needed it in the next couple months. He said maybe 100. Now he gets paid plently more than his bills and so I thought that was rather careless of him to only offer 100. I got up and was leaving his place when he told me to go to hell. I texted him a string that equaled about 5 texts explaining I think it is unacceptable that he is unwilling to help me in the way I help him. That I have helped him to the point that now I am struggling and he can only help me with 100 a month. I did not call names or anything of the sort. I just said I feel it is a selfish way to act and that I would not do that to him but obviously he is not like me. That we are not the same.

 

I talked to him the next day when he came to get his comp from my place. He just hurried and left and I called him and he told me I was cruel, that my texts made his stomach hurt with pain and I said, I was not saying anything wrong! I don't understand! And he said if I don't see how cruel I was being then I am lying to myself. I told him I did not agree. He said I like to binge text mean things and that was what I was doing. In the past I did send strings of texts that at times were meant to burn when i was hurt. But in the last 5 months I have not been doing this. And a lot of times, I feel texting is the only way to communicate because he gets so angry in person. In the last 5 months we have had 2 arguments that resulted in him spitting on me. One because I told him it was not my responsibility to read the fine print for him for something that had ripped him off that he was yelling about at my place. The other because I repeated something a friend said that hurt his feelings. i only said it because he told me that girl wanted to sleep with him, I responded saying, funny, she said she has lost respect for you because of the way you treat me. She did say that. That time he stomped on my purse, breaking all the contents and drove me home like a mad man, telling me I was a this and that and that he wished I would fall out of the car and get run over etc. I forgave him because the next day he signed up for a bipolar support group and also, I felt desperate to be treated nicely after that.

 

It's hard for me to talk about how I feel about his actions with him because he accuses me of always wanting to be some victim. Which isn't the case. I do not enjoy that. If I did, I would be out telling people. No one even knew we were dating. I just make so many excuses for everything and want him to be happy. I truly love him, he is a good person in his heart. He just thinks everyone is out to get him and so reacts accordingly.

 

I think I started feeling less tolerant when I visiting my parents last weekend and my father took a fit (he is a lot worse than my ex) and while my father was yelling at me (for no real reason, he just thought I didn't appreciate him because I wanted to drive back home that night instead of the next day) my mother just sat in the seat next to me and looked out the window. Eventually she held my hand and told me she loved me. She isn't very open and I knew that she was feeling pain over him treated me this way. And the other 5 kids they had together. I could feel in the silence her regret for not leaving him years earlier and all she can do now is apologize. She only has my one mentally challenged brother left at home. I know she is filled with regrets because a lot of us have turned out with problems. I don't blame them for my issues but our relationship has always been strained.

 

Anyway, tonight I just feel sad and can't help but feel scared about the future. I moved to this city for my school with my ex and do not know many people and will be moving again in Jan to start a nursing job. I am not used to living everyday life without this person and I still feel him in my head all the time. I question whether the reality I feel is really real or not because my ex is convinced otherwise. Also, most days he is acts like the perfect boyfriend, doing my laundry for me while I am at school and dotting on the way I act, telling me I am adorable and what not. And when I do feel I have a handle on things, I try to talk it out with him and he is insistent that that is not the way things are and that he is a great boyfriend but that I just have some need to demonize him. That he is a good person with issues. And usually acts as if all of his problems have been rather trivial.

[onewithbooks]

I think that when relationships become toxic you need to leave them behind.

 

When you have become so absorbed in your relationship that your own "reality" is not real, then its time to reconsider a few things. I think that this new job is fantastic for you and it will give you time to mourn your loss of this relationship and by them you will be ready to start anew.

 

No matter how much someone insists they are a good boyfriend, no good boyfriend I ever had spat in my face. Heck even the "bad" ones didnt do that.

[kmae23]

yeah, I understand it is "toxic" and to leave it behind. It has been rough seeing things clearly, partly because we had a relationship counselor that also thought we could make it and because my ex is fine in other types of relationships.

I know I have my sanity, it is just hard to get this person out of my head. ya know, I am just used to spending everyday with the person, sharing most of our interests and having the same friends etc. I have been single for periods of time in the past and been fine. I am just scared this time of the future and being lonely etc. I am not the best at getting out and being open. I have never found it is that easy to make friends. Especially since I have spent most my life moving around. 2-3 years is the longest I have been able to stay in one place and I just don't feel I have any place to call home. It is a lot easier to feel like you are home when you have a partner.