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A basket case in love with same-sex friend, need serious advice


stormychin

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Let me tell you about myself first. I basically have never had any interest in life-- I've never felt that it was for me. Suicide has been my planned course of action since I was 9. I was abused (not sexually) as a kid in the shallowest, least lovingly family possible (boo hoo, right?). But I'm fine with all of that. I'm not sad about any of it, and I've forgiven my father. It's just that I feel no connection to my family or the few friends I had in highschool. My mother always said I was an old soul that was born at the age of 30 with my maturity and taste for adult things (who's ever heard of a 1 year old liking salads or a 3 year old loving beer/wine?). I also feel old. Even though I've forgiven my family and am not sad about any aspect of my life, I still don't want to live through the rest of it.

 

I have a perverse sense of attraction. I've never been sexually attracted to females, and I've never been attracted to the concept of males. I've only ever been attracted to two people in my life, and the reason for it is me wishing that I were them. I wish I had their life, their thoughts, their sense of humor. I wanted to live their life, only better. Consequently, I have wanted to be as close to them as possible, not neccessarily in a sexual way (although I 100% would), but a loving, cuddly way. I had one boy that I had this type of crush on in high school, but at the time I had a social anxiety disorder towards people my age (I got along beautifully with adults). I was attracted to him, yet not at the same time. He was kind of stupid and kind of a douchebag, but I wanted his life so I could correct all of that and be happy.

 

I hate music. It's a waste of time. It's stupid, pointless, and the lyrics are so dumb. Hypocritically, I adore the music of Warren Zevon and Morrissey (surprise, right? lol) very much so. The lyrics are different-- they're intelligent, deep, and did I mention smart? The only reason I'm living right now is because there's a new Mozzer album coming out in Feb. with the promise of a US tour, which I am so excited for. I'm also not very religious. I believe in a higher force, but not really in Jesus or the concepts of hell and sin. I'm the nicest guy you'll ever meet on the surface, but I'm deeply disturbed in the head. I don't care about anybody, not even my family, my highschool crush, or myself.

 

I'm 19 and a freshman in college. Before college started I had received therapy and anti-depressants... and all it's helped with is the sadness associated with suicide. Now I'm content with the idea of suicide. Weird, eh? Anyway, it's also helped out my sociability very much so, and I have plenty more friends than I used to have. I'm still somewhat reserved, yet people still look at me with the same respect people my age have seen towards me all of my life. Objectively, my life's improved a whole lot, and I thought it would change things in my head, but it didn't. I would rather be by myself listening to music than hanging out with them, but there is one reason I do stick around them.

 

I'm in love with the perfect guy for me (or for me to be, lol). He's cute, funny, harmless, kind, and is liked by everybody. At first he was just an interest that I was sure to blow off, but this guy seriously is perfect. He's become the best friend I've ever had. We've drank together, and he's the partyish type, so we've partied together. At certain parties, we've even grinded crotch-to-butt and crotch-to-crotch before while both sober. Holy * * * * ! However, he is kind of a ladies' man. He talks about them a lot, and he assumes that I'm straight so he asks me about them and such. And I am so in love with him. We have a spooky amount of things in common-- the only difference is that he has had a happier life and is so charming that he knows half the people on campus already.

 

Because of the longing I hold, it's torture to hang around him. He has noticed that I get kind of down at certain nights when the night starts winding down. He offered to do anything to cheer me up, and suggested both drinking a beer and watching a favorite show that we both have in common. It was the nicest thing anybody's ever done for me. It was lovely. Afterwards, as he was leaving, he told me that if I ever need anybody to talk to, he'll be there.

 

And believe me, I want to talk to him about how I feel. However, I do not want the best friendship I've ever had (though it is not mutual on his side, I'm positive) to be compromised in any shape or form. It could be awkward to hang around him from then on, because he'll think I'd be hoping for something when I truly, for the most part, treat him only as a friend rather than a romantic interest. Also, he's definitely not homophobic, and we're definitely in a non-homophobic environment. He's sent some mixed signals my way, and I've been sending some back. However, his signals could also be interpreted as him just being very gentle and kind. But the grinding we've done at parties leaves me ever so hopeful.

 

If not for Morrissey I'd have died several years ago. Mozzer encouraged me to go on, and I did just for the hell of it. Just out of curiosity for what would become of me. Maybe I could change. I'm so young. I'm so old. I'm so lifeless. I won't change. I hate myself for going on this long because if I were to off myself now, this guy would feel bad. He offered to help me. I just can't do it now.

 

So now for the advice part: what should I do? Should I tell him and possibly compromise our friendship to a degree? Or should I keep it a secret, be a mopey * * * * , and be around the best friend a guy could ask for throughout the next 3 years of college? Either way, I'm going to live. If I came out to him and he found out I killed myself later, he'd either blame himself or think I'm a god damned whiny weirdo. * * * * ing sucks. I am going to be so bored with the constant lull of life. I've been bored since age 1.

 

I plan to invite him over to drink one night in private, and then slowly tell him how I feel. That's my idea. Please contribute if you can.

 

Thank you so much for your patience. I appreciate it so much if you took the time to read this crap.

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Morrissey is great.

 

Your writing betrays you, I think. You say suicide is possibly in the cards, but you write very 'alive'. I have faith in you.

 

This is a hard question to answer, insofar as what to tell your friend. I think you should definitely begin by telling him you are not straight. Then wait for a while, if possible. Think about it long and hard... it's difficult for even straight, heterosexual friends of the opposite gender to continue a friendship the way it used to be if one has feelings of romance for the other, and the other does not.

 

As cliched or even impossible as it sounds, you will find someone. There is still time.

 

Best of luck, and take care.

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I appreciate the care for my well-being and the compliment towards my writing

 

However, I'm just so uncomfortable labeling myself as gay/straight/whatever because I don't feel attracted at all to anybody. Well, since there have been 2 guys I suppose being gay would be the case, but it feels a tad more complicated than that. Telling him I'm gay may imply that I currently could be attracted to people other than him, which really isn't the case. He's a big advocate of being yourself, so I'll try to do just that.

 

I suppose the reason I posted here is that I just needed some place to verbalize my thoughts. This is the first time I've ever communicated any of these feelings of mine, and it's helping me reflect. I still plan to tell him that I really care for him when we drink together next. He'd definitely be forgiving, and I would be extra careful not to crowd him or make him uncomfortable later on. If he doesn't feel the same then it can't be helped.

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