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Miserable, wants to know what to do


Applewhite

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Due mostly to a dysfunctional relationship with a parent, I am highly sensitive and get very upset easily. I also have problems trusting/forgiving. I think it might be affecting my adult relationships (romantic or not).

 

This weekend:

 

When it is bedtime, I get very happy/excited because I really enjoy those few moments we have to cuddle and talk and enjoy each others company before we fall asleep. While he was getting ready for bed (and I was waiting) something I did reminded him of something his father used to do (who has passed away) and while he was telling the story - in the middle of it - I blurted out 'come!' because I was so excited to have him with me. Even though I was listening, he thought this was rude and in an annoyed/angry tone he said i was TALKING. I'm getting ready I will come. And after this he continued with his story and I listened, although I was very hurt. When he came back to bed, I let him know I was hurt and he let me know he was annoyed, and we slept, him trying to hug me, but me still hurt. The next day it seemed ok, we even watched a movie together, had breakfast but then it came up again. And he still had the same attitude which hurt me even more. So I cried on and off for hours and hours. I was miserable. He tried to comfort me as it got worse, but it wouldn't get better. I am still hurt and try to fight back the tears as I write/think about it.

 

I don't know how to handle or fix this. I think it is unfair that he is mean to me because I never am. Can I not be mean, of course I can. But then what is the point of being together if we both just be mean and eat alone, sleep alone and be miserable. He is not always like this. It is rare, but still I don't want it to be there at all. He repeatedly said he is sorry, but I just can't seem to get over it. I don't want us to end up taking each other for granted.

 

Is it too harsh if I tell him I need to get over it myself and not be with you for a couple of days? Is there a better solution to this? Is it just me? Am I asking something that cannot be achieved? I just want to be treated nice and kind 100% of the time. Is this unrealistic?

 

He on the other hand whenever something like this happens does say he is sorry I am sad but he doesn't really think he was mean, and doesn't think it is as big as I am making it. (To repeat, he doesn't constantly do mean things but it's been a few times now).

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It's hard to say who was "right" or "wrong" in the situation. Maybe he felt that what he was telling you was extremely important and you were only concerned with him coming to bed. Maybe he was just in a bad mood and overreacted.

 

The thing is, you can't expect him to be perfect 100% of the time. He's human. He's going to have moments where he's not at his best and since you are his girlfriend and around him a lot, you'll be seeing those. That's what a relationship is about. Getting through those times together and accepting and loving your partner when they are not at their best, as long as it isn't abusive. You said yourself that it's rare that he's like this, so I think you need to give him a break.

 

Have you asked him why it irritated him so much when you asked him to come to bed? If you can understand it better, it might help you get through it.

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I think it was because he thought I wasn't listening and he wanted to share a memory with me. But I WAS listening. I just couldn't help saying 'come here' He has said he's sorry sevral times since he realized how hurt I was the next day. But still I can't seem to get over it. I just don't want to be treated like this. I don't treat him like that. It is rare yes, but we haven't even been together for a year...IF it's like this now...

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It's not always like this though. It's just one time. And it was based on a misunderstanding. Your intention with "come here" was to be close together. His interpretation is that you weren't listening. It was just a miscommunication, which will happen. I honestly don't think he treated you badly. He didn't yell and scream and storm out. He seems to really feel bad that you were hurt.

 

Just remember that no relationship is perfect and if you expect it to be, you'll be disappointed often.

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I think it would also help if you tried to see it from his point of view and where the miscommunication happened.

 

When you argue in a relationship, it's important not to think the worst. What matters is that you learn from what went wrong and try to improve upon it together.

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It's not that I think the worst, but for some reason I just can't seem to get over it in a normal amount of time. (for instance I am STILL shaken up about this, and feel like crying when I think about it. I was crying on and off all day on Saturday when I was with him. (It happened Friday night). I just can't stop.

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I just talked to him. He asked are we ok? I said WE are fine, but ME not so much. He apologized again, and also said he was sorry I feel sad. I told him I think I should stay home for at least a week, to help me get over it. He said sure, if that's what I need. I said that this will also help us both remember to not take each other for granted. I hope I did the right thing.

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Hike14, it sounds like this tapped into some childhood hurt or fear of rejection you have, so you are responding from a pool of hurt that has nothing to do with the scope of this actual incident.

 

Practically, I'm sure you realize that there will be time when people are tired, cranky, cross, sick etc., when they might not respond to your needs or might snap at you. And people's needs do frequently conflict as in this case, where he really wanted to talk, and you really wanted to cuddle right then.

 

So the way to 'fix' this is two fold. If you want to be less sensitive, then you need to deal with that pool of hurt that makes you overreact to a little disagreement or slight. You feel like it is the end of the world for you, but really, it was just one little moment when your needs conflicted. But you are reacting as a child would, fearing abandonment and immediately going into the 'you don't love me' mode when it really didn't have such cosmic consequences. That is how a child feels, or you have deep wounds from the past that are oversensitive to anything that remotely taps into that pain.

 

So the solution there is to get some counseling to address the bad things that happened in your childhood so you desensitize yourself to them.

 

A person who has not been traumatized as a child will see you acting with this intense pain over something little as you being a drama queen, or else they will be confused because you seem so destroyed over just a little tiff. You need to build your confidence and learn to put things into perspective, and you can't expect your boyfriend to address or be sensitive to all your past traumas, as those are your feelings and he can't read your mind as to what will or won't bother you.

 

You also don't want to fall into the daddy/daughter role where you leap in his lap and get cuddled and he can't talk to you as an equal about things that are upsetting him or are important to him. People usually eventually get sick of a partner who is too dependent, so you need to work on your own (and with a counselor if you can) on how to resolve your past hurts and not be so sensitive.

 

Look at in perspective... all that happened is you didn't get an immediate cuddle when you wanted it. How does that translate into being so upset you don't see him for days? It really shouldn't. I don't think his intent was to be mean, just have his voice heard (i.e., you were ignoring his need to talk in order to satisfy your need to cuddle, that very instant). An adult knows how to postpone gratification, and you should have waited until he finished talking rather than demanding he come cuddle.

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I think he is a good guy if he worries about you and apologizes when he sees he has hurt your feelings. He might have been a bit snappish with you, but he wasn't cruel and didn't call you names. Perhaps he was frustrated, and frustration can come accross a bit harsh sometimes. So i do think this is a good idea for you, and he does sound like a decent guy so it is good to work with him and get some help if you are in pain and miserable from past hurts.

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I think he is a good guy if he worries about you and apologizes when he sees he has hurt your feelings. He might have been a bit snappish with you, but he wasn't cruel and didn't call you names. Perhaps he was frustrated, and frustration can come accross a bit harsh sometimes. So i do think this is a good idea for you, and he does sound like a decent guy so it is good to work with him and get some help if you are in pain and miserable from past hurts.

 

He really is. He is the sweetest. He kept apologizing and apologizing and kept asking me if he could do/bring anything. Whereas I was only sometimes responding to him. I just kept crying and crying ALL day. Still crying actually. I didn't eat when he asked me and ended up eating alone. And sleeping alone, not talking to him.

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