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Isn't this a little wrong?


elizmdavis

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I threw a halloween party on Friday night. It was the first I have ever thrown....and it was a BLAST! Everyone had such a great time.

 

I needed a night like this especially since I have been stressed over things in my relationship. I've been ready to take a break...but have had a hard time letting go. Eventhough he has been more annoying to me than ever, I've still had a hard time ending the 3 year relationship. He came to the party and I was hoping to just have a good time. Part of me was wishing he would love how I looked (in my cute sotume) and want to dance with me. But the whole time, he was very focused on just playing games and talking to other people. It all seemed very self-serving of him. Here is the clincher, later on that ngiht...he focused his attention on one of my friends. He grabbed a pair of handcuffs and put them on her, then began taking pictures of her from behind. Eventhough it was brief, it was so very rude on account of me and on account of her.

 

I was furious. I got up and started cleaning up everything and was even more furious that he sat on the couch with her to look at pictures and did not even get up to help me clean. By that point I just wanted him to go away. My friend ended up staying at the house with me, but I gave her th cold shoulder...big time. I finally broke down and said "I saw you with ***** and what he was doing and it's just not OK with me. Especially since you know he and I are going throough some stuff. I get we've ben drinking and thinking is not an option but you have eno0ugh sense to know that you shouldnt let him do that." She felt like * * * * ...I'm glad. But I was not as upset with her as I was at him. HE DID IT. So, he kept asking me "What's wrong?" I called him out on his behavior and said how sad it made me. He said "I don't even know what you are talking about?" What a bold faced lie!! The proof is on her camera. I just went upstairs and got into bed. My friend was still there so we began talking. He later came up and threw a pity party....which then he decided to walk home - 4 miles. I just let him go....I didn't want to play games with him. Later I got a text from him that said "I'll be back in the morning to get my car, don't ever talk to me again!!"

 

Brat.

 

I'm fine with having time to myself...but I am not fine with how this all went down. Wasn't all this a little wrong?

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It's a bit hard to say if it was wrong or not without seeing it or without more specific details how he was behaving with your friend (IMO). What I mean is, I'm not sure if he just did it in a fun, trying to be social way or more of a flirty "let me touch you" kind of way.

 

As for him not helping clean up, sure he could have. But at the same time he isn't a mind reader. If my SO began cleaning up suddenly at their party I wouldn't be sure what's wrong, and I'd think maybe they're just doing it to keep the place clean..

 

He came to the party and you guys aren't talking much already I take it so he was maybe just trying to mingle with the other people, and in doing so he was borderline insensitive to you. All I see here is that he didn't pay much attnetion to you, and took some other girls pictures.

I think he could have at least spoken to you a bit (wasn't sure since you didn't mention it). Or he could have given a compliment.. I guess it's tough to know what to do if you aren't on the best of terms.

 

Maybe you're just more ticked off that he didn't pay much attention to you and instead bothered with the other people at the party? (I mean this in no offensive way).

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I just had a quick read of your other threads and am a little confused. You said you have a strong four-year crush on some other guy but your relationship with your boyfriend was strong and heading into marriage.

 

Now you say you are getting increasingly annoyed with him and want a break but don't know how to do it. And you seem jealous of his interaction with your friend.

 

What is it that you want from him - you don't even seem to like him very much? How much of all this is coming from the crush that you have on this other guy?

 

Are you sure you are not just looking for a reason to break up with him that will make it his fault - and then you can pursue this other guy with a clear conscience?

 

If that is not true - then what is it that you do want?

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It was definitely wrong on his part. Now you can move on. You don't need an immature idiot like him. He is obviously just not bf material, and he has proven it.

 

I would not be too angry with your friend either, she may not have sensed that this behavior was unacceptable due to her own inebriation.

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Yeah DN....but the crush thing is over. I talked to the crush about everything and somehow, that helped me figure out my feelings. I did this because I wanted to be clear on my future with my current guy. The crush was innocent and did not seem to have an affect on my relationship because obviously my guy could give me more than the other one EVER could. For awhile now, I have been feeling like we are just not going to work out. I just wanted to make sure that having a crush on someone had nothing to do with it. So I cut ties there and refocused my attention.

 

A lot of things have caused me to get increasingly annoyed with him. Isn't it OK to begin seeing many red flags and listening to your instinct? A lot of my other posts talk about those red flags too. Bascially it's almost as if our paths are going in separate directions. Maybe the reality of marriage kind of put everything into perspective for us? I dunno.

 

What do I want? To just find my way. Yes I desire a family someday...but not now, not anymore. I feel like I am being called to do something else, I just don't know what yet. All I know is, I am not happy with my BF and I think I deserve to be treated better than that. It seems as though I am better off being alone and not frustrated with him anymore - eventhough lonliness is no fun for anyone.

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The thing is that I can't see that he did anything very wrong last night - but then I wasn't there. If you think he was flirting and being very inappropriate then perhaps he was. But from what you describe it was just having some fun at a party. So my point is that I think you should simply concentrate on the bigger picture and think carefully about what you want. To be honest this seems much more about your unhappiness with the way your life is than anything he is doing. He can't make you happy - only you can do that. You should not be with someone to avoid loneliness - that isn't fair to either of you.

 

If he knows or senses that you are drifting away from him and getting increasingly annoyed with him - then it is not surprising that his interaction with you isn't all it might be.

 

In the light of your comment about marriage etc. - I think some self-analysis is in order here to decide what you want from your life - and whether this guy should be part of it. And if any guy should be part of it at the moment until you have a clearer picture of what you want.

 

This may be much more about you than it is about him.

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Thank you for your perspective. I am a bit more worried about myself than I am about him. Thank you for pointing that out. I can see where I have been projecting anger at him as a reason to just fulfill my wants. It seems twisted that I want him to be worse than he really is so I can come to "realistic" terms with my feelings of our future. However, he has done MANY things that make me feel like he may not be right for me. I am happy where my life is going as far as stability and career are concerned. But, I am very aprehensive as far as marriage to him is concerned. I am just not sure that he will truly compliment my life in the long run.

 

I truly do not know what I want from a man right now. I have an idea, but until I am confident with it....I'd better just lay low. What do you think?

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I think if you have serious doubts about someone as a future lifetime partner you should do some serious thinking. Basically it comes down in the end to - do you love him enough to overlook the faults that you see or are those faults too serious?

 

Assuming for a moment that he is not a bad man, or a cheater or abusive but that on the whole he is a decent man. If you have any doubts about whether this is the man for you then it is easy to allow comparatively minor things to become the infamous 'red flags'. They aren't something to be discussed and sorted out in an effort to make the relationship work but become the 'concrete' reasons to break up because the real reasons are harder to articulate and accept.

 

In other words - you start looking for reasons to break up rather than address the most important issue - do you really love him?

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I don't know. I thought I did love him. I thought he was "the one" for a long time...but so much has pushed that away. I put so much into us. Maybe I didn't know what I really wanted from the get go. I just know that the feelings we had were intoxicating...in a good way. There was enough there for me to truly believe he and I had a future and could make things happen together.

 

I can't get passed the fact that he keeps putting off our future. It hurts. Makes me feel weak for wanting it so bad from someone who seemingly does not. I think that maybe he just needs to grow up more - in this sense he and I have never been on the same page. There may be other things in store for him right now that just don't give him room for us. Likewise with me too.

 

Let's just say, I wanted him to be the one. I don't know if it is because I love him or if it is because I will have togo through everything all over again.

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I think the future of the relationship is more important than a game of 'who contacts who' first. This conversation could make or break the relationship, so I would advise that you focus on that. Whatever happens as a result of the conversation will make whoever called seem irrelevant.

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I think the future of the relationship is more important than a game of 'who contacts who' first. This conversation could make or break the relationship, so I would advise that you focus on that. Whatever happens as a result of the conversation will make whoever called seem irrelevant.

 

Thank you again I agree. I will update you sometime soon. Blessings.

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Wow-you sound like you're going through some similar stuff to me.

 

My halloween was pretty awful, too, because of rel'ship conflict. My bf and I have been hanging on by a thread lately, for various reasons. We'd been taking space...BUT we made plans ot be together on Halloween ages ago. He picked out my costume. I made it clear, I'd really like to spend Halloween with him. He told me he wasn't feeling like going out. I guess I should've just let it go. But I really wanted to see him.

 

So, we talked about various things to go out and do. Well, he threw a monkey wrench into it-wanted to invite his male friend. This particular friend screwed up our halloween last year, cuz he's a raging alcoholic. We ended up babysitting him while he could barely stand up last year. So, I was not too pleased. The friend wanted to go to this pub in my bf's neighborhood.

 

I'm not a big fan of this place-it's one of those places you just sit around and drink. I asked my bf "we're not gonna stay there long, right?" he said "no-one or two drinks."

 

Well 1 or 2 drinks stretched into 3 or 4. Meanwhile, bf's friend invited a bunch of little punky, immature guys to hang out with us. Plus, one of my bf's friends kept hitting on me everytime my bf walked outside to smoke.

 

After 3 hours of this, I was done. I told my bf I wanted to leave. He basicalyl said he wanted to hang out with his friends, so bye! See ya later! I was like, wait-we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. He had just hung out w/his friends a few days ago. That didn't matter-he still insisted he wanted to stay.

 

I felt ditched, and totally hurt.

 

I ended up crying at 1am. I was texting him, begging him for an explanation. Nothing.

 

The next day, he said he thought taking space shouldn't mean that we act differently just cuz it's a holiday...I felt betrayed cuz he'd promised me we wouldn't stay with his friend long.

 

It was just another glaring example of our incompatibility and his difficulties communicating with me.

 

So, I know where you're at. I brought him his stuff Saturday. We cried and talked a lot about 'being friends down the road'. Oh, and he told me that after I left Friday, he'd been tempted to hook up w/ a random chick in the bar. Yeah, that was a nice thing to say huh. It just confirmed the rightness of my decision. And we haven't talked since.

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When everything someone does annoys the heck out of you, that is usually a bad sign, whether the behavior is really annoying or not by other people's standards.

 

It usually means you don't even like the person anymore, and certainly don't respect him.

 

You have to decide what you want out of a relationship. Do you want a relationship that progresses to marriage? If so, you're best to find someone who doesn't annoy you, since you're yoked together and in one another's space all the time when married.

 

so if you have constant annoyances and these kinds of fights blowups, you can't proceed like this when married or your life will be torture. So you have to agree to work on your differences (and stop behavior that bothers each other), or perhaps recognize you aren't really compatible anymore.

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