Jump to content

Should I give up trying to make friends with this girl?


Mantis
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – ...
5 Signs of A Strong Friendship – Spotting A True Friend

Recommended Posts

I'll be honest. I approached a girl maybe a month or so ago with the possible intent of dating her. I wasn't full on attracted to her yet, but I felt like the potential might be there. So I approached her, talked to her about school and such. I've talked to her a handful of times since then, and found out she has a boyfriend. Well, that's fine. I'd still like to try to be friends with her. The thing is though, she's never actually started a conversation with me. It's been me every time. She says hi when we pass each other, but that's about it.

 

I don't know, maybe I'm reading too much into this. I'm not very good at making friends, and I've never really had a female friend. Just casual acquaintances. Does it mean anything at all? Is she trying to get me to leave her alone? Should I continue what I'm doing? I'm really clueless here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's likely she picked up on your interested vibe, and is keeping you at a distance on purpose. But you can change that, by behaving in a new way. I recommend you keep being friendly with her, but change your tack. Say things which are clearly demonstrate that you're not trying to make yourself attractive to her or chat her up. And maybe talk to her about stuff that's not too personal.

 

Here's a list of things which would be suitable for your new tack. Of course, if this doesn't work, maybe she just doesn't find you interesting as a friend either. But it's worth a shot. And it might take some time for her to come round. If she's still boring and unfriendly, back off, but occasionally slip in the occasional comment that will let her see you're not trying to be cool.

 

Here's some suggestions.

 

- be a dork, or highlight some other clearly un sexy aspect of yourself.

- tell her about some inadequacy or insecurity you have, e.g. that you're self conscious about your gut (no guy trying to chat her up is going to highlight that stuff). But do it in a light hearted way, not like as if you want her to comfort you in any way.

- if you have a "feminine" side, play it up. But only if you're comfortable.

- make some mention about your trying to impress other girls, (shows that she's not the focus of your attention re: sexual stuff).

- talk to her about her opinions on stuff, e.g. politics, or the state of the world, rather than about her. (keeps it a bit less personal, but keeps it interesting and engaging for both of you).

- start talking to more girls generally. The more you are friendly and talkative with girls instead of just boys, the more in tune you'll become to that half of the popultion, and you'll be better at relating to other women generally, and thereforee her, than you would be if you only talk to girls you're interested and haven't had much practice relating to girls beyond chatting up.

-talk to girls more generally, and for your own benefit. Don't wait until you're attracted to someone before you decide to talk to them and get to know a bit about them.

-befriend her other friends, if she has any.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, she's not really unfriendly once I start the conversation. It's just that she's never the one to start it. Mostly we've just talked about school. The only personal thing really is that she said she was going to be gone next class and I asked her where she was going. She said she was going to visit her grandma. That's about as far is it went.

 

What would you define as a feminine side?

 

I have tried to talk to other girls. 2 recently, neither went well. The first was before I started talking to this girl. There was a girl from another one of my classes, and that day we were all supposed to meet in the library. We were working on a project where we were supposed to find interesting events that happened on our birthday. She was there first and I was second. I didn't really know anything about her, but I thought she was kinda cute and I had a dang near perfect opportunity, so I decided to talk to her. It went something like this.

 

Me: Hey, is this the day we're supposed to meet in the library.

Her: Yeah.

*awkward silence*

Me: So did anything interesting happen on your birthday.

Her: I don't know, I haven't started yet.

*more awkward silence*

 

So at that point I just quit. However, a few minutes later another guy had the exact same conversation with her, and she still didn't seem to want to talk. And, in all objectivity, the guy was a lot more socially skilled and attractive than me. So I'm not sure I did anything wrong in that case.

 

The second one was yesterday, just some girl sitting next to me before class had started. I wasn't really interested in her, but I just thought I'd try talking to a girl. It was raining really hard, so I did the safe, boring option and talked about the weather.

 

Me: Geez, as hard as it's raining I wouldn't have even needed to take a shower this morning.

Her: That's disgusting. Don't even joke about that. You didn't shower this morning?

Me: What? No, I did. I'm just saying it's raining so hard that standing out there for a minute would be as good as a shower.

Her: Oh. Well I didn't shower this morning. I probably stink.

Me: ...

Her: ...

 

I'm... still not exactly sure what happened there. I don't know if I said something wrong or not. Later in class I was asking the teacher to explain why something worked the way it did, and she said, "Because it just does!" Another guy commented that she was being pretty harsh. So I don't know, maybe I just made a bad choice of girl.

 

I have no idea if this girl is attracted to me or not. For now I'm going to that's not the case, because that would just make things more intimidating.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Don't be discouraged. I don't think you're doing anything wrong. It sounds like you're coming accross some people who are more inept than you by the sounds of it.

 

I'm not really one to advise, but I suggest that you put your lust on the backburner for a few years and develop your social skills so you can talk to everyone more comfortably. Boys and girls. Just take a bit of time to think up some conversation starters, stop and allow your curiosity about people to develop and try to learn about the people around you, and all the while put yourself in their position and try to think of ways you can make them feel comfortable, and think of how you might be able to brighten up their day.

 

I've always considered myself pretty socially inept, and always thought it was just innate, and that it was my lot in life to be eternally socially awkward, but I'm starting to realise that, like a lot of things in life, making friends is also about effort and hard work. Take the time to think about what you could say to the person to strike up an interesting conversation. People who are nice and want to talk to you will usually overlook a bit of awkwardness anyway. If you forgive yourself, other people will be more likely to forgive you for being awkward too. And like the saying goes "you can't say the right thing to the wrong person, and you can't say the wrong thing to the right person."

 

As for the feminine side comment, well, I'm just saying that if you are in any way feminine, then play it up. It may put her at ease.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Well, I'm glad it wasn't just me then. I really have been trying to learn to talk to girls and people in general. The last girl I talked about is one I wasn't interested in, I just thought I'd try talking to her. I've done a LOT of thinking about conversation starters, that's by far what I have the most problems with. As you can see it hasn't been going too well so far.

 

You'll still have to be a little more specific what you mean by feminine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The feminine thing isn't really important. It might not be appropriate in your case. Really, just be yourself. But by feminine, here are some examples:

-soppy over cute animals

-caring about other people's feelings

- aware of your own emotionality

- co-operative rather than competitive

-appreciative of fashion and aesthetics and beauty generally, and vein about your own appearance

- gentle and sensitive both in relation to yourself and others.

- aware of and not afraid to admit your own weaknesses and shortcomings (and open to advice from others)

 

All I'm saying, is if any of these exist in you, maybe consider playing them up a bit. But really, I think the other things I said are more relevant than this stuff. It was just a passing comment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The feminine thing isn't really important. It might not be appropriate in your case. Really, just be yourself. But by feminine, here are some examples:

-soppy over cute animals

-caring about other people's feelings

- aware of your own emotionality

- co-operative rather than competitive

-appreciative of fashion and aesthetics and beauty generally, and vein about your own appearance

- gentle and sensitive both in relation to yourself and others.

- aware of and not afraid to admit your own weaknesses and shortcomings (and open to advice from others)

 

All I'm saying, is if any of these exist in you, maybe consider playing them up a bit. But really, I think the other things I said are more relevant than this stuff. It was just a passing comment.

 

Oh dear. This explains a lot. I embody all of these except the fashion one. Am I going to have to do the opposite when I want to escape the friend zone?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Oh dear. This explains a lot. I embody all of these except the fashion one. Am I going to have to do the opposite when I want to escape the friend zone?

 

These are good traits to have. But yes,if you want to pull the chicks, you have to be aesthetically unappealing, emotionally stunted, and exhibit antisocial behaviours. I read it in an article in the Age I think, about a psychological survey that had been done showing that men who lack a conscience (the a-hole gene) have better luck with the ladies. Girls can be such idiots!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Keep in touch with her, like most relationship, it ends within a few months.

Or, u can be a douchbag and drama-starter by luring her with your new hobbies or evening activities in hopes that she will spend more time with you than her BF.

Most guys don't have very much female friends, you're normal.

 

My best advise: be yourself, confident, and let the situation flow (dont read too much into it)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Most guys don't have very much female friends, you're normal.

 

I'd say that depends where you live and in what culture. If you live in Afghanistan it is probably very common. If you live in a city especially in the West probably not so common. And regardless, is it healthy to segregate yourself like that? or will it lead to ineptness with half of the human population? it may be common, but it's not exactly desirable. Better late than never, I say, to try to improve this aspect of his life. In the end it will make life easier and much richer.

 

My best advise: be yourself, confident.

I second that
Link to comment
Share on other sites

These are good traits to have. But yes,if you want to pull the chicks, you have to be aesthetically unappealing, emotionally stunted, and exhibit antisocial behaviours. I read it in an article in the Age I think, about a psychological survey that had been done showing that men who lack a conscience (the a-hole gene) have better luck with the ladies. Girls can be such idiots!

 

I'll keep that in mind for if I decide to become a player...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...