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How to leave an abusive relationshi...
How to leave an abusive relationship and why it's so hard

So this may be long and I appologize but I need some help tonight so please take the time to read if you can. For those that have not seen my previous posts here is a shortened version. I dated a girl for almost 3 years. 3 weeks ago I walked in on her with another guy, not good. I was destroyed. She was my whole life and there is this huge crack in my universe right now. The week before we were looking at houses and talking about marraige. I have lost 15 pounds in the beginning and struggled to make it day by day. I have since found out that she lied to me about a lot of things. Her family and friends are telling me she has done this many times before. I cosigned for a bike that she said she has paid and checked my credit this week and she never made a single payment. I will now have to to protect my credit. I know that if someone i knew told me everything that she has done to me I would say "dude are you crazy this is the best thing that could ever have happened GET OUT, what if you had married her or moved her in!!" Yet here I sit dwelling everyday on how it could all be a mistake and possibly get her back even though I know shes with him now. I see them together and her defending to him and its worms in my soul. He said they had been hanging out for a couple of weeks and she had told him we were broken up. I have been doing no contact although I have seen her drive by a couple of times and she has slowed down to look at me its been hard. I had worked so hard to get to a place where I have faith in something better and see this as a blessing to just have moments without going crazy and then YESTERDAY!!!!

 

Both of us have kids at the same school. Opposite sides and I have not tried to see her and stayed away when I have. Her babysitter ran into me and said you are lucky to be out Ryan she is not stable. She has done this before and will again. She was with someone when you starting dating her and it killed him (She said they were over). She is saying untruthful things about me to her family and friends when a month ago I was the best thing that ever happened to her. So I'm standing at the school watching the kids parade by and she comes around the corner!!! I turned away quickly as I felt a giant surge of emotion. She comes right over and hugs me. Now I am 6'3" 220lbs and have beena fireman for 13 years. I have seen true tragedy and suffering and have always stayed strong. When she hugged me and I felt her and smelled her I started crying like a little kid. I had to excuse myself outside and she followed me. I told her I didnt' even know what to say. That she had broken my heart! She tried to deny that she was with the other guy which was another lie to my face. I said let me see you text then and she refused. She tried to tell me she was hurting as badly as me which clearly wasn't that case. I have seen her cry over commercials and she shed not a single tear. I feel like all the work I did had been knocked down. I feel just like I did the day I caught her. I am devastated. What is it about this girl that allows her this power over me. She has wronged me so much and i am such and honest truthful person. I can see my rescuing personality in why I picked her but why can't I let her go? I want to write her a letter and tell her that she is not fooling anyone. That when she comes out with this guy in a couple of weeks as her boyfriend everyone will know i was telling the truth. That she can't outrun her own choices and actions. That she has hurt so many people including herself. I have friends who say I should and friends who say write it but don't send it and friends who just say * * * * * * * let it go!! Be thankful. I am looking for any help, any advice even if its dude you are a moron let it go. I felt like I was making progress now back to square one! Why on earth do I let this one girl do this to me?

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You will get a few knockbacks during the healing process, but sometimes we need them for us to really realise we dont need them at all in our lifes and that we can be happy without them. She acts like she has done nothing wrong and because of that she wants a friendship with you, i wouldnt be her friend, avoid her at all costs. Get on with your own life like you have been and itll get easier, youve been doing well.

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Don't beat yourself up man, it's sad to hear that she is getting the best of you, but you have reason to hurt. She lied and continues to hurt you, you know that you need to let go, don't give her the satisfaction of knowing that she has this power over you, it's a huge ego boost for her.

 

You sound like a great guy and genuinely nice, there are other women out there who would kill for a rare commodity such as yourself. She doesn't see your worth, but you should. Know that you gave it your best and you were fooled, as cliche as it may seem, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

 

Let go man, you deserve much better and life will reward you when you are ready. For your sake, let go and never look back, remember you are a good person and you deserve so much better. Pick yourself up and keep your head up!

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You dodged a bullet. Seriously, you should be thankful you didn't marry her, propose, get a house together etc. If the bike is under your credit, your name, I hope you took that back. There is nothing really to say to her except that you want your space, you don't want her near you. If she keeps at it, then you will get a restraining order. You don't need her in your life, tell her that. This woman is purely trashy. Have you gotten tested? I feel for ya, this must be incredibly hard after you caught her with your own eyes, you just have to try your hardest to move past this. Keep at it with no contact.

 

Best of luck, you'll make it!

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Thank you all for your support. I am a genuinely nice guy, so honest, so loving, I need to remember that there are a lot of women out there who would love to find a guy like that. Its just hard. I should know by now with all the death, hurt and anguish I have seen in my job that life is just hard. No questions about it. I did believe though that goodness would win. I need to stop blaming myself for this as I don't own any of it. I guess the old cliche of nice guys finish last is true for now but not forever! Thank you for your kind words!!

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Nice guys do not finish last, you just need to guard your heart more careful next time, just remember you don't need to change yourself to fit others, you just need to find somebody who will cherish and treasure you. For now, it looks like nobody can do that, but I'll give you a secret, you can cherish and treasure yourself.

 

People have told me that I will one day find somebody I can share my life with and give completely, I used to think it was her, but I realized why? I found that person who I want to share life with.... ME!

 

I know you've seen a lot through your experiences, but that doesn't make you a machine, you're human and you can feel. Just remember that you grow from these experiences and there is no limit to how much one can grow. Continue to be strong, you have people rooting for you, if I'm going to drag myself out of this, I'm pulling you with me.

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I'm sorry you had to go through an ordeal such as this, my friend... I know it all too well having been cheated on, multiple times too.

 

You asked how can she have power like this over you? Well, it's really quite simple... I didn't realize this this either until I was processing the thoughts of my ex out of my system. It is a choice... you are allowing her into your life, and as a consequence these emotions are so overwhelming that they take a toll out of us.

 

If you find the flood of emotions over bearing, try and allow them into your mind little by little. This is perfectly normal and there is no shame in doing this, heh. Then push them aside... this way it will make it easier to get over them. As you don't need to process or filter too much of your emotions that would otherwise completely flood and overwhelm you.

 

Acceptance and forgiveness should come in due time... This is when you'll be completely over her. And, I believe you can get to this point... You have a strong spirit and I truly admire what you do! We need heroes like you, so hold it together for the people that need you! But ultimately hold it together because you need your spirit at a time like this!!

 

Sending you lots of support, my man! Stay strong!

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It is true. I deserve someone who will love me for being me. My life experiences at my job have given me a greater appreciation for life and love and what is important. Someone will really cherish a guy like that. Just having the support from you all is a blessing and i sincerely appreciate it. I can't wait to look back and say thank you Lord for keeping me out of that!

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Hey rhino, I see you constantly posting in other people's topics.

 

Just wanted to let you know that you deserve much more in life. Don't let this experience ruin you. Be a better person. Life will reward you. Keep your head up! Thank the lord that there are people who will be there for you without even knowing you. I really do see the beauty in the let down. Good luck on your journey. Come here when you need support.

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Hey rhino, I see you constantly posting in other people's topics.

 

Just wanted to let you know that you deserve much more in life. Don't let this experience ruin you. Be a better person. Life will reward you. Keep your head up! Thank the lord that there are people who will be there for you without even knowing you. I really do see the beauty in the let down. Good luck on your journey. Come here when you need support.

 

Rhino,

 

My girl did the same thing, she was dating a guy seriously for 3 years and was hanging out with me and sleeping with me before they were even broken up. At least she had the decency to break it off with me before dating the new guy.

 

Women like these are toxic, bro. They are terrified to be alone. They either have insecurities or not many friends. We deserve so much more. I hurt, you hurt. We're gonna be ok, Rhino. Plain and simple, we're gonna make it through this and be smarter and stronger. One minute, one hour, one day, one week at a time and we will heal.

 

"With friends like you, who needs enemies?

You ain't right, you ain't never gonna be

I need a soul less toxic and you ain't no friend of mine.

I'm leaving you far behind" ----Social Distortion

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Thanks for the great email. I needed it tonight. I had been having a really long evening with lots of memories rushing back and trying to understand how 2 people can share so much love, fun, affection, life and then it just is over? I read other peoples posts and it makes me feel better to know that this pain is not unique to me. Its weird that I can see in others the advice I should give myself. It is hard to internalize it though. I keep praying and know that there is a bigger plan. This pain will pay off someday. I was just sitting here tonight thinking about her and getting all busted up again after a pretty good day. Weird how it comes in such overpowering waves. It seems like my mind knows that this is for the best but my heart is not lined up with it. It was great to hop on here and see that supportive post. What a blessing!

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You are right we do deserve better! And you know what she doesn't have any friends. I was thinking tonight after I read your post that I have been blessed with so many good friends who have rallied around me and are reminding me of how great I was to her and am as a person. She has no friends and only her mom to keep telling her that when she does this its ok. Warning sign!! It seems so crazy that after everything I know, have done for her, am learning, and that she has used to hurt me I can still care for her. I know I can't be with her and even if she wanted back I couldn't do it. I could never trust again but I still pray for her. I still feel bad for her. I don't want to because it keeps me connected to her but I can't help it. I want to have a full day of no pain and no thoughts about her but I guess it just may be a while. i will keep after it day by day. Thansk for your support and posts they really do mean a lot!!

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As cliche as it is. Time will heal your wounds.

 

A few key tips in healing.

 

Forgiveness - of yourself and her

 

Acceptance - it is what it is, it cannot be undone

 

Letting go - having any notation of feelings of hate, resentment, pity, sadness, etc.

 

I can empathize with how you feel but not exactly feel what you do. I only pray that you find courage and strength to make it through these dark times. Your heart and mind are on different tracks right now, but keep your thoughts towards you and your heart will eventually come around to follow.

 

I know you love and care for this woman even with all the pain she has put you through. It's not wrong to feel that way, nor is it wrong to continue to feel that way. As long as you know that this is not what you want or deserve, you will be able to learn from this and gain a better perspective on life.

 

It does not matter how long you cry over somebody you love, or even feel sad. It's part of the process. Just let go of the bad, as the bad leaves, goodness will fill your heart. Try to spend your time around with people who actually care for you and will support you. ENA will be here if you need us.

 

Try not to have a pity party for too long. Eventually, you'll look back at this and wonder why you spent so much time hurting. Take it a day at a time and push forward!

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I can tell it will get better. I am already better than I was a week ago, 2 weeks ago, 3 weeks ago. I appreciate the steps they will help. I know I have accepted it and that I truly wouldn't want her back (logically) but there is always that "what if" the reality is they only way would be for her to admit everything, own it, sincerely appologize and to a tremendous amount of work to make things right and build trust and that I know from being with her is definitely not possible. Its just not in her to do that much work for anyone not even herself. Its good to know that I am not wrong for still loving her even when I know its over and I don't want her. We shared a lot of really good times these last years but there were some crazy lows too and all of that up and down is to much to carry. I am trying to cry and be sad when I need to be and enjoy the periods of relief as they come. Everyday the balance between the two narrows and soon it will be more good then bad. Someday it will be gone and I can't wait to look back and say why in the world did I even give it that much. But for now, just get through tonight and the dreams that will come. Thanks for the posts they help

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Just keep in mind. Time has this funny way of dulling the bad. The good will remain. Life is nothing but a memory. You want to discard the bad; keep the good and yearn for more good ones.

 

What you had was special. Nobody can take that away. Logically speaking she is not good for you. In the future she might change. I wouldn't count on it. Before all others, put yourself first.

 

Be kind to yourself. Love is blinding. I know from first hand experience. Keep coming back here for support or to vent. This isn't a short journey. It might possibly be the most rewarding.

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Hey bud, my ex doesn't have many friends either. If she doesn't have a boyfriend, she's alone. Her having a boyfriend allows her to be loved and have a group of his friends to latch onto. I feel bad for my ex also, and wish she could change, but this is the way she is. I guess we met these women so God would be sure that we knew what to avoid.

 

So let's be thankful that we have a group of good friends to help us out. I couldn't imagine needing to be in a relationship just so I could have closeness and your partner's circle of friends. I want our next relationships to happen when we are healed and ready to give ourselves to someone else.

 

We are in a similar boat, Rhino. Women that up and replaced us, don't have many friends and probably don't like themselves all that much. I would be willing to put money on the fact that if your ex was 22 yrs old, her myspace would be plastered with 80 self-taken pictures all in the same pose. People that can just disconnect and pick someone else up knew have insecurity issues.

 

It's not us. We are not the catalyst that broke down our relationships. We did not make that bed, and thereforee we don't have to sleep in it. We did everything we could to make it work, sometimes when we just should've walked away instead of bending ourselves further to satisfy their needs.

 

I don't need her and you don't need your ex. We'll be just fine talking on here and spending time with people that care about us.

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I have these periods of lucidity where I know that many times in the past few years I was thinking this is not good. Something is not right with her. She keeps saying one thing and doing another. I told her that at the end of the day you are judged by your actions not your words. Her mom is exactly the same. I don't know why I believed that I would somehow be different but I am going to remember this for the future. I can feel so good when I talk about all the bad things and know that truly a life with her would have been so very hard. I felt so unequally yoked in this relationship. I had to carry everything and always be there for her. If I had a tough time she would back off and say you need to get your stuff together. Clearly not a good catch. I hate to say it but this boils down to how beautiful she was and how sensual she was. That combination in a woman is a real weapon. Its too bad that she is missing all the other parts of a whole person. I can't figure out why after all that she has done. The lies she is telling, the hurt she has caused me, the financial wound i have to cover for this relationship, the way she is trying to make this my fault to others when I so clearly caught her cheating adn she is lying about it, that I could in any way feel anything other than anger towards her, but there is still love in my heart. I had lunch with close friends and family today and they said point blank, she will realize what she has lost. She will be devastated even though it may take years. But whatever happens you can not talk to her or take her back!! That would be a truly stupid decision adn we would hang you. I appreciate their concern. I know I can never be with her again but if she came back today I would be pretty messed up as I still feel for her and my emotions are still raw. Everytime I pass a place or think of somehting wonderful we shared I break down. I can only pray that I don't accidentally run into her. I need no contact for me to heal and be strong in case it happens later. Do you still feel for your ex? Is that normal even after being so disrespected and hurt? We did have some amazing times together these last few years which is why I stayed in it through those crazy lows. How do I stop romantacising her memory and focus on the truth that i loved who I hoped she would be not who she truly was? Thanks for your support.

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My ex was beautiful and very sensual, but she is also missing something. A pretty face and killer body is a hard combo to resist. As you were, I was also expected to be at her beck and call. Alot of times I was walking on eggshells. I was afraid that the littlest thing would set her off. It was all about her 90 percent of the time. I still feel for my ex. I wish it would've been different from the get-go, but there's no way it would be different.

 

We had our great memories and good times, but I look at all the negative crap I was put through and I'm glad that I don't have to deal with that anymore, but I still miss her. We connected and grew to know each other very well, she just wasn't the right woman for me.

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Unfortunately, that takes time.

 

You two grew together. You cannot help but think about her. It's natural and isn't wrong. Even being hurt and disrespected. You may love her, but it doesn't mean you have to be with her. It's normal to feel what you feel. Accept all of it and know in your head she is not right for you. Do not act upon emotions. You had a connection. It's gone now. Realize when it's over, it's over.

 

Focus on you, take the focus off of her. Place everything into perspective. You may have given her everything you possibly could. It may never be good enough, but you shouldn't beat yourself up for being kind. That's just who you are. You need to rebuild your self respect. Re-evaluate your life and make changes to make you happy. You will overcome this. Have faith that there is more to life than this.

 

You two shared something special. She wasn't the one. Come to terms that she is not what you want and accept this. Tell yourself constantly. This is for the best and I will become a better person. I am too good for this and it is not wrong to love her. What she did to me was wrong. I will forgive, but I will not forget. I will regain myself and my identity of who I was and will be. She hurt me and I accept it. I do not regret loving somebody with all my heart even though I am hurt. The pain will go away. I let go 100%, there is nothing I can say or do to change the past.

 

I will learn from my mistakes and take more caution when I choose to share my life with somebody else. I am a gift. I am treasure. I am will not be taken for granted. I will give up this self defeating mentality. I have people who care for me. This one person does not deserve my love. I am bigger than this.

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How long did it take before you were able to look back clearly and see the bad for what it really was and not be so affected by just the loss and hurt. I have periods of knowing that she was very unstable and that I could not have lived like that. I listened to myself telling my mom today all the crazy stuff and she looked at me like I was crazy. She said how in the world can you be upset about losing that kind of person and why are you still giving her any thought but the loss is so crippling. I think part of it is just an ego thing to be honest. I feel like I have so much to offer and did. I was so good to her that for her to leave me for someone I consider to be a tool is really hard to take. I need to let that go I know, God does not like pride and maybe that is a big lesson for me to learn here. I think that part of it also is that I had been with her so long it had become who I was. We were Ryan and Shara. Everyong knew us everyone would ask when are you getting married. Honestly I had concerns from the beginning and that is why I never asked her. I need to remember that. I am missing more of the comfort and connection of being with someone than who she was as a person and what she gave back in the relationship if that makes sense. I know I will be fine on my own I have been before and the truth is I provided most everything to the relationship, all the money, my house, my career, my stability, my effort. I know that I will be fine. But, how long did it take before you were able to stay more in the place of realizing the truth of the relationship and less time in the romaticising of the good times shared? I try to stop myself but man my brain can really do a number on me sometimes!

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you're the male vesion of me cept taller ;-)

 

My ex from many years ago cheated on me and then left me when I caught him

He cannot be alone and went from one woman to the next. I thought I was different.

 

He's sad and lonely and messed up like this girl you were with.

 

It hurts now. Oh yeah, it hurts bad. The betrayal hurts the worst than the loss.

How could they? Or didn't they love me?

Well of course she loved you, but to her own capacity. She doesn't know healthy love.

 

When my ex left me, I had NC with him for 2 yrs. Then he emailed me out of the blue wanting to be friends. I was well over it and was cool with it

He alone now, tells me he's not met anyone like me ever and our love was so special and he screwed it all up.

Pstttt. yeah who cares!

 

Stay focused and don't ever let her back in to your beautiful heart

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Thanks I like that. She did love me but she doesn't know healthy love. That is true. I used to tell her because our sex life was so great that it was great but that is not the same thing as love. It is a part of love and only a part of a whole relationship. I don't think she knows that. I know she is using that on this new guy and he will get sucked right in. It will not last and he will realize what I told him was true. That she will do this to you too. She definitely has a desire in her heart to love and be in a happy relationship but she subconsciously sabatoges it and has an emotional gap that prevents her from trusting and opening up to her partner. Probably because of her past and her pattern she knows what she does so she can't trust someone else, she cant trust herself!! I sure hope I move out of this sooner than later. I am a happy guy and this sadness just sucks. I bet I will just get too frustrated with being sad and say no more I am moving on. Right now i have removed all of her stuff from my house, from my computer, from everything. I can't stand to look at it. I have made lists of all the crazy and bad things. I am posting on here and reading like a fiend. Part of it is that no woman has ever had this kind of affect on me. I guess you always want what you can't have right?

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I'm not even over this 100%. It's been 3 months.

 

First love, first heartbreak. She has had four boyfriends before me. She was my first relationship. I gave my all. I have no regrets. That's just how I love. Even as bad it may seem. I still love her. I learned to accept that. I may always love her. I still have feelings for her. I'm just thinking a bit more clearly now. I just don't fit what she wants or needs. I accept it. She couldn't be honest with me. So, I'll be honest with myself. Nobody is perfect.

 

It's still tough because I still long for her. In my heart I already settled that I love her. Now it's the letting go part.

 

Letting all of it go. The feelings, the memories, the connection, the goodbyes, the hellos. It takes lots of time and a lot of soul searching.

 

I have been through many things in my life. Ranging from child abuse to my dad being murdered while I was young. Living with family and their gambling/drug addictions. Etc. I've made it through all of that. I will make it through all of this. I also have had time to see my own faults.

 

She knew well of what she was getting into. I let her know what I feared and she still chose to be with me. When she decided to leave, I found out who she really was. That's not what I want in my life. So I decided to let go. It's out of my control. I don't want her. I don't want this. I'm done. I went through many phases of depression, anger, beating myself up and thoughts of inflicting self pain.

 

Eventually I came to terms that I am a good person. I'm not what she wants or needs, but she will never be able to forget what I did for her. I don't want to say that I was the best thing in her life. But I was damn special to her. I loved her with my all and will continue to do so. I will love enough to let go. Let her find her own happiness. She is a gorgeous girl with a great personality. But she betrayed my trust and betrayed my heart. Lied to my face and strings me a long. I deserve better. So do you. Save yourself the heartache and the headache. Focus on you. Take back the reins of your life. I know it's sad and depressing. I still have certain periods of the day where I feel like my world is crumbling.

 

I just think to myself of what I've been through and what I can accomplish. She doesn't want any part of my life, yet she can say she is afraid to lose me 100%. Sorry, but you lost me as soon as you lied to me. I'm nobody's fool. I'm one of the rare commodities out there, she doesn't need to see my worth. I already do.

 

My friend, you need to work on your self esteem and do what's best for you. It's okay to hurt, but make sure you are moving forward. It's okay to look back while going forward, but don't take a step back. By looking back I mean... Looking at how far you've come from now and then. Times will continue to flow, show your worth to her and maintain NC.

 

It got pretty bad for me. I saw a picture of her wrapped around another guy in less than 2 months. I felt disgusted, sick, filled with hate, and filled with heartache. That's not me. I'm slowly but surely returning to the fun loving guy that I am. Not for her, or to prove that she missed out on my life. This isn't a race to see who can do better or feel better. This is for me. I don't need to compare myself to anyone because I know who I am.

 

Remember that you don't need to share your life with anyone. You don't need that certain somebody to come home to. All you need is you.

 

I lost myself in love. I figured that I found myself once again and I should never let go. I still feel sadness, but I already do look back at everything and feeling warmth return to my heart. It feels me with happiness and I really do see how beautiful life is.

 

Take it slowly and try not to focus so much on the future. Live for right now.

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I am sorry that you have had such a tough road in life. It is so great that you see yourself as a survivor and not as a victim. You have great things ahead for you. I am moving forward. I feel better today than 3 weeks ago and even though it still can hurt something fierce I know it will slowly and surely get better. She defiantely does not deserve this wonderful gift that is me. I do think I was the best thing in her life but this is what she does her dad told me she has done this many times before. He is so disappointed in her. Her mom supports it and encourages her to move on to something new. I know the moment i walked in on her it was over forever. I can never get over that. I will forgive her to free myself but not forget. I feel the same as you. I am a rare commodity out there. She always talked about how amazing of a man i was, different than any, how I was one in a million, yet she threw me away? And didn't even have the guts to do it cleanly. I want someone who would never do that. I think part of why it has been so hard is that she approached me after 2 weeks NC and I freaked out. I am too hurt to see her and what I am feeling now is anger. That she could do what she did and then try to approach me to make herself feel better. Lying to my face about this other guy when I saw it with my own eyes and her family is already takling about him and that he is her next boyfriend. Anyone who can do that is not someone I want. I could never be that cold to someone. Thanks for the posts, for listening and letting me get it out. I am realizing that just talking about it over and over and over and over gets tiring for others but is truly necessary for self healing. God bless.

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