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I'm posting this in the 'Getting Back Together' forum b/c it's really no surprise that I do want my ex gf back. For those of you that have followed my story, you're aware that my gf of 1.5 years had broken up with me to be alone.

 

It's been about 5 months since our break up and I can tell you that my ex was being honest with her reasons for our split because she is still single and hasn't even entertained the idea of pursuing a relationship. We have spoken with each other, periodically, and every conversation thus far has been really good. I've finally reached a point where I can speak to her and not even think about bringing up past events. The last conversation we had, she told me that she loved me, asked about my family, told me that she missed them and me and that every sentiment I share with her still means something to her. However, she's still not in a place emotionally where she wants to be in a relationship b/c she's focusing on herself. She's going to be moving into her own place soon, separate from roommates, and has secured a new job. Although she'll be needing to move for this new position, I genuinely think this will be a good thing for her. Time is working to both our advantages right now.

 

Now, here's where I get to feeling guilty...

 

I love A with ALL OF MY HEART and have not stopped wondering whether or not something will transpire between us again in the future. However, I also know that I can't put my life on hold and wait for a time when she's ready. I know my worth and know what I have to offer. With that having been said, I have started dated and 'getting out there'. I've gone on a few dates and this past weekend actually kissed someone for the first time since my break up. While I had a good time and enjoyed myself, I can't help but feel guilty.

 

I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way b/c she left me and we are no longer together. I just wish someone would explain this to my heart. Perhaps I'm just not ready? I dont know. Is this normal? Even though i'm going out and having a great time, I still believe, in my heart, that my ex is the woman I'm to be with. I can't explain the hold this has on me, my emotions, my soul, and my heart.

 

I've had my heart broken before. I've had relationships of value. I've moved on. This one is ENTIRELY different. Hearing her tell me that she still loves me, misses me, wants to see me, etc and KNOWING she really just wanted to be alone makes moving on even more difficult. I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place. If she were to have pursued another relationship, I'd say, 'ok, it really was that she just didnt want to be with me'. But, that's not the case.

 

I've done my work. I've been alone. I'm older than she is and have my career, have my home. I can't harbor any negativity towards her for wanting to secure the same. Waiting isn't an option b/c it's not fair to me. But, trying to move on and have fun with others makes me feel so guilty....why?

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I think you're going to have to break the ties with her completely if your going to fully move on. It's very difficult to try to start a relationship with someone new when the person who let you go is still in the background telling you they love you and miss you. Why is she telling you she wants to see you but refusing to? It makes no sense other than it is very safe for her to keep you on the back burner while she pursues "being alone". It's very selfish on her part.

 

If she really loved you enough to be a partner, she'd be with you. If she loves you enough as a friend, then she should let you go completely, because it isn't fair to you for her to continually pull you back in. It doesn't matter that she hasn't pursued another relationship...she still doesn't want to be with you. I know that's hard to take, but it's the truth. There's absolutely nothing to stop her from being with you if that's what she really wanted, so you need to accept that completely.

 

I think you should tell her that unless she wants to return to having a relationship with you then you no longer want to hear from her because it's making it too difficult for you to move forward. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

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I have to agree with you. I can't move on with my life if I'm hearing those things from her. She hasn't refused to see me. I know she wants to and I also know that she's kept her distance so she can focus on what she needs to. That is selfish. It's too hard for you to be around me b/c you'll get distracted, so you stay away so you can focus on you?? I attribute her immaturity to that rationale....

 

 

I know what I have to do for me. Though Im moving at a slow pace, I am getting there.

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You're moving in the right direction and that what matters...you WILL get there. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you 100 percent and who doesn't expect you to be waiting on the sidelines while they live their life.

 

Perhaps if she's forced to face the possibility that you'll really be gone completely and is given the opportunity to miss you, she'll learn to value what she had with you.

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You're moving in the right direction and that what matters...you WILL get there. You deserve to have someone who wants to be with you 100 percent and who doesn't expect you to be waiting on the sidelines while they live their life.

 

Perhaps if she's forced to face the possibility that you'll really be gone completely and is given the opportunity to miss you, she'll learn to value what she had with you.

 

I also agree with you on all this too, 100%. She doesnt know that Im dating either. Though it shouldnt matter, I'd be curious to see what her reaction is to that..

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She's not dating b/c I talked to her on Wed. Mutual friends have told me she's not dating. Could they be lying? Sure they could. But, I believe she's not. In fact, she told me she's lonely but that she can't be with anyone; needs to be alone.

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There's no reason you shouldn't tell her that you're dating, I know that's part of your guilt, but again, you have no reason to feel guilty.

 

Hearing that you're seeing others and that you don't want to hear from her anymore could very likely force her to rethink things, but do it for yourself. Do it so that you can move on completely with your life, without guilt. You don't need to continue to be her safety net.

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There's no reason you shouldn't tell her that you're dating, I know that's part of your guilt, but again, you have no reason to feel guilty.

 

Hearing that you're seeing others and that you don't want to hear from her anymore could very likely force her to rethink things, but do it for yourself. Do it so that you can move on completely with your life, without guilt. You don't need to continue to be her safety net.

 

Amen You're right. She left me....I'm entitled to be dating and seeing what's out there! I'm a very emotional person and I know it's my heart's hold on all of this that's causing the guilt. But, I haven't done anything wrong...

 

If she asks me if Im dating, I will tell her. I've always been honest and wouldn't stop now.

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Hi Dani

 

I agree with Greensleeves - while you are still in regular contact with her and whilst she still throws you those crappy lines, you are going to have a mighty hard time getting past this, because deep deep down, you will continue to harbour hope and that attachment to her - and that is where your guilt is coming from.

 

But you are right - you haven't done anything wrong here - she is the one who frankly is treating you pretty poorly. You have a choice though - you either enable her or you close it down.

 

I think you are doing great - but try and harden up a bit and be a bit selfish for a change, eh?!

 

Mark

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Hi Dani

 

I agree with Greensleeves - while you are still in regular contact with her and whilst she still throws you those crappy lines, you are going to have a mighty hard time getting past this, because deep deep down, you will continue to harbour hope and that attachment to her - and that is where your guilt is coming from.

 

But you are right - you haven't done anything wrong here - she is the one who frankly is treating you pretty poorly. You have a choice though - you either enable her or you close it down.

 

I think you are doing great - but try and harden up a bit and be a bit selfish for a change, eh?!

 

Mark

 

Thanks Mark, i appreciate your feedback as well. You all have been so great at giving me advice when I've been in need. It's funny b/c I was just speaking with a friend of mine and I said, 'You know what? This is my time now. I was an amazing gf and it inevitably broke my heart. I have every right to get out and just date and enjoy myself! I have no expectations with anyone and really am just trying to get back to enjoying the company of others'....

 

I'm doing SO much better than I had been...SO much.

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