Jump to content

Should I see my mom when I go home?


hers

Recommended Posts

I posted a little about this last night--how I sent my mom a birthday card for the first time in years. I'm going home next weekend to celebrate my own birthday with my friends, and I was thinking about calling my mom and asking her to lunch.

 

The only thing is, the thought of it is giving me anxiety. This isn't just sending her a card--this is telling her that I want to attempt a relationship with her again. I just don't know if I'm ready. I don't know how to tell if I'm ready.

 

I know I will need to establish major boundaries with her b/c many things she does just makes me nuts. I don't want her drinking around me, I don't want her tinking we are "ok" now, and I don't want her to do her normal stuff of griping the whole time about how everyone is wronging her b/c being the alcoholic that she is, she is such a victim.

 

I just don't know if I'm ready. I had to see her a few weeks ago when I went home for a funeral, and I was around her for maybe 25 minutes before I had enough and decided to leave. Granted, it was unplanned that I was supposed to see her and it just sort of happened, but it still was hard for me to deal with.

 

I also always have a major attitude aroud my mom, I think as a defense mechanism--"You can't hurt me" sort of thing. I don't want to be like that. I want to be pleasant and nice to her while putting aside my feelings about a lot of things she does.

 

How do I know if I'm ready to try again for a relationship with her? What shoudl I do?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think you should see her, just try and be around her for a little while and try, if you can, to take down that defense mechanism of yours. See if the two of you can hold a conversation. Ultimately only you are going to know when you are ready to start a relationship with her again. And the only way you are going to be able to determine that is if you attempt to spend time with her. Take it a step at a time. If you feel like things aren't going well when you see her than just say you have to leave and that you may come back later. The important thing is not to stay to the point where the two of you can't stand each other. Eventually after you visit her with enough of these short visits, it will hopefully be somewhat easier to be with her for longer periods of time. And maybe one day the two of you can reconcile your differences.

 

Just do what feels right? Don't try and force the relationship, just let it happen naturally. Try to keep an open-mind if you see her. I hope you will consider seeing her, I think it would be a good idea. Good luck to you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks. I just get really nervous and anxious when I have to deal with her b/c she makes me so nuts.

 

I had to see her at my sister's wedding back in June and she got to me so much b/c she was drunk pretty much the whole time and just doing her normal stuff. I realize I can't control her and I'm trying not to let her affect me so much, but she still does.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Al-Anon has been a major help for me. When I started about one year ago, I was filled with so much anger and resentment for her, and I was dead set on never having a relationship with her again. Now, I dont have as much resentment, and my anger only comes when I'm around her for long periods (like my sister's wedding). I am able to be grateful for what didn't happen to me and my sister as kids instead of resentful and angry for what did happen. I realize I can't control her and it's not a matter of her choosing drinking over me, but that it's a matter of feeling helpless against it all still, I think. If that makes sense.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try and project to when she is no longer here - imagine how you might feel about her then and how you might feel about yourself if you didn't make an effort to have some sort of relationship with her.

 

That isn't to say you should or should not have a relationship because you may decide that it is better for you not to - but it is worth thinking about that time ahead.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Try and project to when she is no longer here - imagine how you might feel about her then and how you might feel about yourself if you didn't make an effort to have some sort of relationship with her.

 

That isn't to say you should or should not have a relationship because you may decide that it is better for you not to - but it is worth thinking about that time ahead.

 

Ya know, I do think about it often. I hear so many people say "I wish my mom were still alive" and all of that. It makes me feel very sad and guilty.

 

Tonight I got a phone call that a very close friend's dad died today--they were very, very close. I was heartbroken. It makes me think I'm taking having a mother for granted, even though I still feel hurt by many of the things she put me and my sister through as children and even as adults.

 

Time is so short on this planet, and it's even worse when you've burnt bridges that you think you'll never rebuild. Before I got into Al-Anon, it was a pride and spite thing that I had when I decided I never wanted to talk to her. Now, I don't want to talk to her b/c I fear my anger and resentment will come back or that I'll be so mean to her that it's just not healthy for us to be around each other. The reasons for not having a relationship with her have changed drastically, but I don't know how to tell if I'm ready.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with DN hersmudders. I know it a macabre thought but think about if she were gone tomorrow. Think in your head what would you do if you suddenly knew that were to happen? What would you want to do and say?

 

Because truth is many people lose a parent that fast and they are guilt ridden because they avoided them. Even if she is still drinking, which i know you are working hard to rid yourself of drinking people in your life, but what if tomorrow she were gone even if she were still drinking?

 

Handle it that way. I am not laying a guilt trip on you as in saying take her crap as she might be gone one day, i am saying think about what you would want to do and say before that time. Not that she is going anywhere anytime soon, just that we really don't know, do we?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know what you guys are saying, JadedStar. I do think about it...I think about it a little too much, actually. And sometimes, i can't find anything I'd be sad about. that's what bothers me most--that I can't find a reason to mourn my mom if she's gone, other than the fact that she was my mother.

 

I have a very hard time coming up with good memories of her. Before I got into the program, if someone asked me to share a good memory of my mom, I wouldn't have been able to answer. I had none. It's like I blocked them all out.

 

But since then, I've been able to think of only 3 good memories. Just 3. It's small but better than 0 of course. I try so hard to think of more, but I just can't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi,

 

I do not know if you want this, but, here is what I told someone else about what helped me in loving my father again,

 

For YEARS and YEARS I wanted my dad to be the dad he SHOULD have been what I WANTED him to be. The truth is,he is entirely not capable and for the last 16 years or so he has not wanted to be in my life until recently cause he is down on his luck and has no other soul in the world that will even talk to him much less care. But you know what I had to give up what he SHOULD be, he just isn't. He is a poor demented abused human being who did the best with what he was given. I love him he is my dad and I would not be me if he was not my father and for that I am thankful. However I do not give him opportunities to hurt me or my child. I see him when I AM ready to see him and only then. Parents only do the best with what they were dealt and I know my dad was hideously abused as a kid and has a severe mental disease, this allows me for forgive whatever he did to me. Do his problems make anything he did right? Nope! I do see the reasons though.That is just me, I chose to forgive because it makes my life liveable, for others it is not possible and that is ok too. You will come to a point in your life when YOU control when and IF you see them. We all have to take what we are dealt and make the most of it.

 

I hope it helps you, and I pray for your happiness.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been able to realize the same about my mom--she came from an alcoholic home too witha crazy mom, just like I did. It's a cycle, I suppose. She did the best she could with what she knew how. That's all it comes down to. I know that now. I just wish I could get passed all the danger she put us in. I am grateful we never got hurt, but I still can't forgive her yet for the danger she put us in as children. It hurts so much to think about it sometimes.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been able to realize the same about my mom--she came from an alcoholic home too witha crazy mom, just like I did. It's a cycle, I suppose. She did the best she could with what she knew how. That's all it comes down to. I know that now. I just wish I could get passed all the danger she put us in. I am grateful we never got hurt, but I still can't forgive her yet for the danger she put us in as children. It hurts so much to think about it sometimes.

 

This is exactly how i came to terms with my parents and became close to them again. I was able to look outside of what "I" wanted for a perfect parent and realized what they were able to give. It wasn't what i would have wanted, but i realized they tried as hard as they were able, and i realized that was either good enough for me, or i went thru life without them.

 

I chose to just take them as is. But in doing that i have set limits as in i do not immerse myself aroudn them all the time. I take them in small doses.And to their credit, they both evolved a great deal, but my father has a mental illness so understandably there are issues there with him that will never get better, only progressively worse over time since the illness is degenerative, but that is nothing he or i can control.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would you not have a 'normal' relationship if she is in your life? I can honestly tell you that my father is about as out there as they get. He isn't quite "there" mentally but i still have a normal life with him in it.

 

To be honest if someone can't expect me with my father in my life they can't be in my life. HE is like my kids now. He is who he is and yes he is strange, but he's my dad and i've got his back.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why would you not have a 'normal' relationship if she is in your life? I can honestly tell you that my father is about as out there as they get. He isn't quite "there" mentally but i still have a normal life with him in it.

 

To be honest if someone can't expect me with my father in my life they can't be in my life. HE is like my kids now. He is who he is and yes he is strange, but he's my dad and i've got his back.

 

It's not about the person I'm with not excepting me b/c of her--that has nothing to do with it. I feel so screwed up b/c of her, and when she's around, she makes me crazier. I feel like i'm "damaged goods" b/c of the things I went through with her and cant contribute to a healthy relationship.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's not about the person I'm with not excepting me b/c of her--that has nothing to do with it. I feel so screwed up b/c of her, and when she's around, she makes me crazier. I feel like i'm "damaged goods" b/c of the things I went through with her and cant contribute to a healthy relationship.

 

I guess that is just something you either come to terms with, or don't. I know that i grew up in a very dysfunctional home and i'm not kidding when i say my parents are both pretty crazy, but i don't base my value or sense of self worth on them or how i was raised. I had to just be the best person i could and rise above the past.

 

That is something that would be difficult for me to help coach you on because i just did these things on my own and not really sure i have a formula to pass on to help.

 

I COULD potentially feel screwed up because of them, because one is bonafide mentally ill and the other has a few screws loose, but i just can't see it like that. Underneath their dysfunction the two of them passed along some pretty cool genes to me and my sister and we both are pretty smart people considering it all so I can't really diss them all that much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

See the thing is, my sister doesn't seem to be affected at all. She and her husband have an amazing relationship (this isn't just observation of them--it's what she and I have talked about). They are open with each other, very caring, very much in love, rarely if ever fight. When I'm in relationships, all I do is fight and find ways to piss the person off so I can be pissed off at them.

 

Hence my relationship hiatus for now. I'm trying to work on myself so I'm not like that anymore. I want a healthy relationship one day, and only I can change that. I know that. So instead of having "guinea pig" relationships, I have chosen to just work on myself first instead of testing my progress on some poor guy who becomes interested in me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't want to send the message to her that she and I are "ok" again and that things will be peaches and kittens from now on. I know that if I do see her if we go to lunch or something, i'll still need my space afterward, maybe for a few more weeks or months or something, I dunno. But I can't just say that to her, can I?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know my mom too...she'll start calling every day like she used to when she and I did talk. She'll talk about how everyone at her job is stupid but her, how my grandmother drives me crazy, it's a lot of drama. It always is. I don't want to deal with that from her b/c it makes me angry. She doesn't understand boundaries. She never has.

 

When I had to see her a few weeks ago, she asked for a hug. When I told her I didn't want to hug her, she made me hug her. She doesn't understand that I'm not doing it to be mean and spiteful; I'm doing it b/c I literally feel like I can't.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I tell my dad that all the time. " Hey dad when you want to talk like a normal human being then you call me, not before, and I will do the same for you."

 

I did tell her after my sister's wedding that when she is ready to act like a mom to me, we can talk again, but until then, I can't do it. She said "How do you want me to be a mom to you?"

 

I couldn't even really answer that question but I know it has a lot to do with her acting her age instead of like "one of the girls" and getting herself some help. That's me just trying to control her thugh, which I can't do. So I don't even know how to answer my own question, really.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...