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Confused about Relationship I ended?!?


danbowmen22
Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Ok, I am new to this forum and my name is Dan. Hello Everyone!

 

I dated a beautiful and smart lady for 2 years and 3 months and I broke up with her in June of 2008. The issue over the break up was that she was a doctor (resident) who was matched in Boston, however, we met and fell in Los Angeles. thereforee, I got cold feet and was scared to commit and move to Boston with her so I broke up with her right at the moment she had to leave LA. Anyway, I REGRET it so damn much and within 2 days I called her to tell her that .... Also, I was wondering if she was the "one" I would marry so it was really so much pressure and I just decided to stay in LA.

 

Furthermore, we met one last time before she left Boston, and I told her I would come out to Boston within a month. However, she was very skeptical and I became frustrated because I expected her to be happy with my decision no matter how last minute .... Anyway, throughout June we talked and fought about the break up while she was in Boston and I was in LA and sooner or later I became cranky with everything. I think we both needed space, but she asked me to come to Boston in July for a weekend, but I declined because we had such poor communication throughout June. Anyway, we both decided to break it off completely and I thought maybe it was done with once and for all. It was hard as hell, but we wanted to try and move without each other or calling much at all.

 

Ok, throughout August I cut her out completely and did not call, email, or text. However, my birthday was in late August and she called and texted me a sweet and loving message and it made me smile. Also, throughout August she texted me sweet things too. I was aloof, but caring throughout August but I wanted to try and date and meet other people. However, I kept thinking about her and I could not get her out of my head ... We move and I don't contact her at all until the second week of September.

 

Finally, my ex is in LA to visit her sister and she wants to see me. I'm floored and quite happy she wants to see me because I could not get her out of head, but I was not contacting her. Typical guy I guess right? I see her again and I fall in love all over she looks beautiful and she is affectionate and looking at me with love too. However, before we met she tells me she is dating someone, and I don't take it seriously because she was so loving throughout the time we met in September. Ok, 3 days after we meet I decide to get back together and see if I can go to Boston and visit and make this relationship work again. No, she does not even respond to my emails, text messages, or calls for almost a week it is SHOCKING.

 

Finally, we get a hold of each other and she tells me she never felt like I was committed to her, and she is moving on. I tell her how much I regret losing her and breaking up with her, but she is quite vague. However, there are some issues I need help with below:

 

1. When she calls me she refers to me by the romantic pet name.

2. She is interested in seeing me again especially if I go to Boston.

3. When I stop calling, texting, or emailing she calls or emails me and is sweet again.

 

Is she waiting for me to make a move? It is like she is nice and then gets cold and icey. A week ago she called and was sweet, so yesterday and today I call her but she has not returned my calls. I hate games, and I would have just gone on living without her in August but now I want her back, but she is resentful that I did not want to move to Boston earlier. What do I do?

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Yeah, we even went on vacation 3 weeks before the break up and it was AWESOME. However, I was scared to go cross country with her and shut down and dumped her. I feel like crap about it. However, I would rather try again rather than not see the potential because she is an awesome lady. Am I stupid for wanting that?

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Hi Dan, Here is what I think you should do. Fly to Boston, meet with her and lay it all out there. Tell her exactly what you want and the steps you will take to make it work. Tell her you will move to Boston and you want to be with her. She will need some time to digest this probably, but no games no bull, she will know whats what. If she wants to, congrats, if not, fly back and forget her. Stright forward and to the point is the only way, no games. Good luck man.

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Love sucks!!!!!

 

Like I said people do things that are very hurtful when they feel betrayed. She might have felt betrayed that after a strong connection you might have had, you broke it off so quick. Not saying it wasn't for a good reason, however you have to understand the fallout. My personal advice would be to go to Boston for a weekend tell her how you feel and walk away, let her make the next move. It's what I call "modified NC"

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why don't you take some holidays and go spend a week with her in Boston. It will show her you are serious, but it will also give you time to check out Boston and see if you like the place and whether you think you can make a life there. i don't know the two cities, but i'm assuming that Boston and LA are very different cities?

 

i don't think there is any such thing thing as 'the one' as far as people you are destined to be with. she is just 'the one' at this point in your life. that's not to say you won't meet another woman who is 'the one' a year from now or two years from now

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Well, I called her twice this week and emailed her and she is ignoring me .... She is a resident and busy with work, but a phone call or email takes no time. Although, I realize I dumped her I have little tolerance for games ...

 

I'm ready to give up before even going to Boston!?!? What should I do? Go anyway, and face her bitter and resentful attitude?

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Dude...you dumped her. She's probably freaked out about the whole sudden interest in being with her. If you can't take the heat that you might get from her in Boston, then really, you're not ready to commit to her. Love means taking the good, the bad, and down-right nasty. And I guarantee you, even though she's ignoring you right now, it's so fricken tough to do so.

 

And you know what? She's looking for that grand gesture...and the fact that you're so willing to give up after a week...maybe you are more into the challenge and not the woman. Cuz I guarantee, for everyone one nice word you can share with her, she has three other friends calling you a dirtbag. If you really want her...think bigger, take a risk. And that includes putting yourself on the line as much as she has done already for you.

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She called me last week and we had a nice and loving conversation where we told each other great things about each other ... Also, I mentioned coming to Boston and she was VERY into the idea too. Suddenly, I call this week and email and text and get NO responses. Seriosuly, I feel like I am being played with!?!?!? I know I dumped her, but I deserve a response .... I will give it time.

 

What do you think she is trying to do? Is she moving or dishing the pain to me now?

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One loving phone call doesn't make things right as rain. It takes....WORK!!!

 

You were fickle about her...um, don't you think she would be fickle with you? Man...you aren't even willing to put in the hard work. All you got is, "I don't wanna be played. She's playing games..." No buddy, she's insecure about the whole situation because you made it like that. She's thinking, if I take him back, he'll do the same exact thing months later instead working it out like a committed couple that can communicate.

 

Time is not your friend here. Bravery is. Trust me, if she is as awesome as you say she is...she won't be unavailable forever. And with a guy who is willing to put in the hard work to be with her. It still sounds like you're still wrapped up in how YOU feel, Not how she feels.

 

A lover kicks it for a weekend or so. A committed man makes a plan to have her in his life. Lazy guys are lame...don't be lame. For if one approach is not working, and it sounds like you've been trying to approach things the same way over and over again...try a different approach. And one other thing...she has no obligation towards you, and you don't deserve One Single Thing from her.

 

Now when you two do work it out (after you finally can really get off the pot, and your immense need for immediate gratification), cuz it still sounds like there's some shred of hope (that's unless the other guy she's seeing isn't a total bonehead)...then you fuss over your needs and wants...but she should be made first priority.

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Yeah, I am thinking of her and calling her despite the difficulty ... However, she wants to meet me again and is being very agreeable about meeting before Thanksgiving. She keeps asking me if I am going to Boston to see schools, I am applying to grad school, but I want to make it clear it is for her despite that ... Anyway, I am taking your advice Tattoobunnie and being more selfless. Thanks I need someone to whip me into shape!

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