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Am I bottling it up?? :/


TBE_1989
I Have Feelings For Someone Else Wh...
I Have Feelings For Someone Else While In a Relationship

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I've been feeling so strange lately. It's approaching five months since it ended and I feel so....weird.

 

Anyone who's read any of my posts about my breakup may have noticed this. I go through stages of feeling okay, feeling great, feeling awful. I've made posts saying I feel depressed, madde posts about new crushes, made posts about feeling great, made posts about missing him. I know that relapses and mixed emotions are part of healing, but going up and down isn't really the problem right now. It's more not KNOWING how I feel.

 

I haven't cried in about a month. I rarely allow myself to talk about him, OR - I've just realised- think about him when I'm alone. I do, however, daydream about him all the time. Fantasise about seeing him on the bus and me looking gorgeous. Picturing how great it would be for him to see me out laughing and having fun with my new friends..

 

I have a gut feeling that I'm bottling my feelings up. I don't think I'm letting it out enough. I don't even feel like I'm acknowledging the reality of the situation. But how do I KNOW if I'm bottling it up or not? Maybe I'm just going through the last stage of healing?

 

I guess what doesn't help is that I don't know how HE feels. It's the one disadvantage of NC, I guess. I don't know if he's missing me and feeling bad about dumping me. I don't know if he never gives me a second thought. I don't know if he has mixed feelings.

 

Ironically, I know getting back together wouldn't work - in the long term. (we're both only 19 and he was my first love) But I still want to. More to prove to HIM that I can be a better person than I was towards the end of our relationship. Towards the end, I was no fun, I was anxious and needy as I was stressed about family issues and exams. So now that's over I guess I want to prove to him that I feel different and I'm now more a relaxed person than I was in the weeks leading up to the end of our relationship.

 

Went a bit off-topic there, sorry. I just want opinions...how do you KNOW if you're doing that oh-so-unhealthy thing of bottling your feelings up and pretending you're okay when you're not? or fooling yourself into thinking you're okay when you're not?

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5 months is normal to still be wondering & having your up & down moments. It's been 10 months since mine ended, & I still feel the same way--but I was the one who dumped him.

 

You can't avoid your emotions & thoughts, but you can learn to cope with them. I guess that's how you can tell if you're "bottling up" or not. Most people who bottle-up their emotions are ones who never got closure with the situation. If you have thoughts like, "I wonder if he misses me" or "I wonder if he has a gf now", that's normal. All of us wonder that about our ex's at one point or another; however, if these thoughts become obsessive, then you need to figure out a way to deal with them.

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Thanks for your response

 

Definitely hard to get closure...I mean, I haven't heard from him, but he said some things when he left the night he broke up with me that were just contradictory to the fact he was breaking up with me. Throughout his breakup speech he kept on saying how I had done nothing wrong and how ''perfect'' I was. So I guess it's no surprise I feel a bit odd regarding closure!

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I know. I went through the same thing a couple months ago with this guy I was dating. I liked him a lottt. He was the first guy that I actually felt like I could be with after breaking up with my ex. He just randomly gave me that speech one day & said "you're perfect...it's not you". It just leaves you like "huh? then what the hell is it?". You just have to stop wondering. It helped me to start seeing him as an ass instead of such a nice guy lol I started telling myself "what an a**hole...how could u drag me along n just randomly leave me like that?" and it kind of helps you heal rather than sitting there & remembering the good times & the good things about him.

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I guess what doesn't help is that I don't know how HE feels. It's the one disadvantage of NC, I guess. I don't know if he's missing me and feeling bad about dumping me. I don't know if he never gives me a second thought. I don't know if he has mixed feelings.

 

I don't think it's a problem. Just the fact that you're aware and questioning shows you're looking inside and healing. And I think that is what's important.

 

That being said, what I highlighted above is interesting. Do you think that knowing how he feels would give you ANY closure, or would it just give you something to be hurt/frustrated/angry/sad over? Very rarely do we get closure through the people that hurt us... at least in my experience. Closure has to come from within you so if anything, think about how you can bring closure to yourself without any input from him.

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I definitely don't want to talk to him or contact him. I'd rather stay in this limbo than ever break NC. That's good, i guess!

 

It's just every now and then I think ''he broke up with me, he was such an ass towards the end of our relationship, it's time for me to move on''. Other times, I think - and forgive me if this is arrogant - ''I'm a great catch, why wouldn't he want to be with me? He said I was perfect when he dumped me, what a contradiction, he'll be back.'' It's just so ](*,)! yknow! I can't even put it into words...just all these conflicting feelings.

 

If I see him soon, I won't know how to act. A part of me wants to go up with a big smile and have a friendly conversation to show there's no hard feelings. BUt then I stop and think ''nooo, if I do that, he'll think I'm over him and don't care anymore''. Another part of me wants to give him a weak ''sad'' kind of smile and act distant to show that he hurt me. But then I think '''nope, if I do that he'll think I'm desperate and am stuck in the past''. Am I crazy??

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I understand. I think the best way to act is casually neutral. Don't act any which way, and then they have nothing to either feel good or bad about how they treated you. If you act any other way, when you think about it, you're still allowing that relationship to affect you....

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Yes you are crazy, but its cureable, your head and your heart are in two different loctions and that is really frustrating and can make you think your losing it.

 

go NC and try not to worry about your ex and just concentrate on yourself.

 

stay positive , stay strong and go easy on yourself , its not an easy time your going through.

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Sure isn't an easy time. *sigh* he's probably having a great Halloween...

 

You're so right about the mixup between my head and my heart! It's like the hate each other atm!

 

Thanks for your help, guys. Any more insights or words of support would be really appreciated.

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Sure isn't an easy time. *sigh* he's probably having a great Halloween...

 

I think this sums up a lot of peoples feelings after the breakup, that their ex is having a better time than them. They could be, they may not be, this is a side effect of NC in not knowing what they are up to. However, it works both ways and they could be thinking exactly the same thing of us.

 

Thing is, we could be having a good time too if we wanted. I know it's hard to do at this time but if we can say it's easy for them, then it's equally as easy for us.

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