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How do you know when it's time to take a break/break up?


redrose85

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Well, if you love him but have been angry lately maybe it would be best to just go for a week break from him with no contact. That way you can clear your head and decide what you really want. If you really want to be with him you will know by the end of that week.

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How did you know? I'm so conflicted. On the one hand, I feel lucky to have the guy that I do. He's very caring and I know that he loves me. On the other hand, I often feel angry towards him lately.

 

I think that being conflicted and wondering if you should break up for a considerable time is usually a bright red flag.

 

He loves you and he makes you angry is a combination of 'effects' he has that you need to study a bit more I think The relevant questions being: 'do I love him even though he sometimes pisses me off?' and 'do I love him for reasons apart from him being caring and loving me?'.

 

It's a tough place to be in. If you think about your life together in 10 years, how does that picture look and how does the thought of it make you feel? Do the same picturing for a life apart in 10 years?

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Because I'm not sure if I love him anymore. I feel like I can make a better life for myself, rather than just staying here and hoping that things are right. They don't feel right. I just feel like we're growing apart- or rather, I'M growing apart. He's not growing anywhere. He's determined to stay in this same town, doesn't really want to travel like I do (has compromised that he will go if it is a cruise) he is just a homebody.

 

Something that really grates on my nerves is when we come home after a day or a week away, is that he will say "the best part of a trip is getting home." I just think, well why did you go then? When we go on a trip he almost always gets stressed out or sick, and it's not as fun as it could have been. I want someone who will enjoy music, the arts, being active, etc... with me. I also don't want to have to compromise my goals and dreams because he lives in a bubble. I mean, he really does. I'm just not sure if we're compatible anymore, or we're simply "comfortable."

 

I'm not sure why he puts up with me on the other hand... I'm moody and pessimistic and kind of damaged merchandise. I've been looking into another university a couple of hours away, and I checked out apartment rates and skimmed jobs in another city. I really want to go. I shouldn't have moved in with him. I know that now. I also shouldn't have gotten involved again so fast (only 6 mos after ending a 3 yr relationship.) It's terrifying though, because what if I'm not who I think I am, and it turns out that I want to live in a bubble too? I don't want to let fear hold me back, but it's hard. I'd be moving to another city, all on my own. I wouldn't know anyone. A new school, new home, new neighborhood, etc... It's really frightening, but the voice in my head saying that something is wrong is screaming now.

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from your last post it sounds like you have your answer...if you are compromising your values and interests for someone else that is a pretty clear sign that it might not be right.

A new school, new city etc could all be really great and adventurous (and hard-don't want to make it sound easy)

You need to ask yourself if you are happy right now? if not what would it take for you to be happy, write it out, be specific. Then look at your b/f and really be honest as to whether or not you think he could fit in to your plan of real happiness.

It's never a good idea to wait around for things to get better...have a firm plan to make it happen or let it go...

sorry you are going through this.

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If you listen just right both your head and your heart are saying the same thing. I've read your other posts about the housework so I'm getting a bigger picture. Your heart is telling you that you might not love him. Your head is telling you that you know you can do better on your own.

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Well we had a big talk. It's still fresh in my mind. He came home and I was like, I need to say something, and you're not going to like it. Said that I wanted to move away, go to this other city, live on my own, feel like I just need to get away. He wasn't as shocked as I thought he would be, mostly just asking why I wanted to leave him. So I explained, and explained some more, and he just got sad and reassured me that he would do anything for me, just wants me to be happy. There's way too much to type out here, and I'm so emotionally drained...don't even want to try.

 

Anyways, we got to talking about these horrible moods I've been having. I have mood swings, but in the past month or so, it's been extreme. I wondered aloud if perhaps the problem is me, and the guilt and anxiety I feel over the "grass is greener" mindset isn't helping. We pinned some things down. That it comes in waves... for a couple of weeks, I'm happy as a clam, regular Sherry. For a week or so of every month (and no, it doesn't always correspond with pms) I transform into this weepy, angry, hard to live with person. It has been especially bad lately, with a few days this month spent dragging my butt around. One day in September, I couldn't get out of bed. I slept and slept, and cried, and had no idea why.

 

We came to a decision together- that if I want to go, I will go, but first I need to see a doctor and see if I can get my head in check, maybe get some anti-depressants. I connected a lot of dots tonight. My Dad has manic depression, and my older sister and younger brother exhibit signs of some form of depression. My maternal grandfather suffers from SAD. It wouldn't surprise me at all if I was clinically depressed, because as I told my bf, some days I really just want to throw myself into oncoming traffic. I'd never do it, but it scares the *&^% out of me to think like that. I've known for years that I COULD have depression, but it's really come to a head, especially when I'm stressed about school and deadlines. It's getting worse as I get older, and I really want to get this in check.

 

I figure that the reason why I come home and get frustrated or angry and it's so exaggerated is because I unknowingly spend all day at school with a sunny and cheerful facade, and by the time I get home, I'm just exhausted and can't hold the emotions in anymore. He's the one who I spend the most time with, so he gets the brunt of it.

 

I've built him up on my last two threads to be this immature guy who's just holding me back, but he really is a good guy, and I do love him. I've never met anyone who is so selfless and kind. He's loyal and patient and I have NO idea why he puts up with me, especially when he grew up with emotionally abusive parents. If I put a recording of one of our conversations on here (if it were possible) you guys would all just be astonished at what he has to say, and how supportive and patient he is. So the result is:

 

1. I see a doc/counsellor and see if there is anything that can be done

2. If I try to "fix" myself for a period of time and I still feel the same towards him when I'm in my bad moods, I will move out.

3. Hoping that I am able to be "fixed", he has agreed that when he is done his program in two years (it's non-transferrable and the only program of its kind in our province) and I still want to move to this city, we will go together.

 

As for the chores and the little things that add up to be big things- He suggested putting the notes on the tv. I'm going to try that. I realized mid-conversation that I forgot something very important this week. I said, I remembered on Tuesday, then forgot again. He said that is what happens to him with chores. He thinks about it, and forgets. It's just not at the top of his priority list, and I shouldn't take it as "he doesn't care about ME." It's nothing to do with me. If I can keep that in mind, and he can at least try to help me out around here, that will be much better.

 

Oh, and I spent some time with "artsy" guys tonight... give me a break. I was thanking my lucky stars I'm with a techie, so I don't have to sit and listen to two idiots argue over what tracks are on what Beatles records. lol

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He asked me a couple times if I was still thinking of leaving him, I said that I can't guarantee that I won't, I know it sounds cold, but he understood... things aren't going to magically get better, it will take time, and yeah. No words. I'm so emotionally drained.

 

But, he is going away for a couple of weeks in December, so I will know more clearly what I want when we are separate. I pretty much feel like this Christmas will make or break us.

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I think you should also be aware, if you aren't already, that despite anything he has said so far this may prove to be too much for him and he may decide to walk away himself. Sometimes what people say when suddenly faced with a situation like this isn't what they end up doing when they have had time to think about it - and have maybe talked to other people to gain a different perspective.

 

That will be more likely to happen when you separate at Christmas. Don't be surprised if he isn't exactly the same person when he comes back as he is now or was before you hurt him over the last few days - you should not under-estimate the damage you have done to him.

 

People react to being hurt and wounded in different ways. Remember this relationship is as much, or should be as much, about his feelings and what he wants as it is about yours and what you want.

 

I think you need to be very careful that you don't throw away a good relationship - they aren't easy to come by. There have been countless threads on here by people who only realise what they had when they have lost it and can't get it back.

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I know that's entirely possible. He's just acting too patient and forgiving. If someone came up to me and said I'm not sure I want to be here anymore, I'd completely shield myself and probably break up first, just to protect myself. I know it's about him too. I should have made my original post better, but I just needed to get the core feelings out. I'm not the selfish cow I'm making myself out to be... I'm just hurting and scarred and confused.

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I understand and know that you are not a basically selfish person. That isn't what I meant.

 

But when something like that happens it is too easy to concentrate on what is best for you, or what you need. Communicating this to a partner is fine and perhaps even necessary. But that doesn't mean that the partner is only going to be concerned about you and what you need - they have their own heart to be concerned about as well.

 

If you leave him then he will be hurt but he will get over it and eventually find someone who will love him as much as he loves her. So don't be overly concerned, just minimise the hurt as much as possible.

 

But if you stay - you should realise that you won't only have to work on making yourself better but also do some work to heal the hurt you have caused him and the relationship as well. Hopefully, he would be as supportive as he has been so far - but he will need to know he counts too and that he is loved.

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Oh he will. I'm going to make sure he knows he's cared about, very much. A big reason for even thinking of leaving is because I want him to be as happy as he can be. He says to me that he had plenty of different girls that he could have dated, but he never wanted to, until he met me. I told him that if he had dated other people before me, then he would be writing me off right about now, because he would know what else is out there. He says he doesn't care what else is out there (he's the only person I know who doesn't get "grass is greener sydrome" every once in awhile) that he sees all these others girls, and they just don't stack up (when I'm in a good mood, anyways) When I'm in bad moods, he says he just sticks it out, knowing that it will end. I don't want to put him through that, he already had to grow up in that kind of atmosphere! I really can't wait for him to get home though, so I can hug him and squish him and feed him cupcakes lol...that says something. Do you think that relationship counselling in addition to one on one counselling for me would be a good idea? I'm kind of hesitant to try it, because I'm afraid that the therapist will be like "you've been together for this amount of time only... why bother?"

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I think that counselling for you is a good idea. But relationship counselling is to fix something/s wrong with the relationship where both partners are part of the problem.

 

Now you have to decide if your personal issues are the primary cause, in which case counselling alone will probably suffice, at least for now. But if there are major things that you and he are doing that are affecting the relationship then joint counselling would be an option.

 

I suggest you work on your own problems first and then see if couple's counselling is still required.

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Should I Stay Or Leave My Relations...
Should I Stay Or Leave My Relationship

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