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Trouble with boyfriend...not sure if the relationship is worth saving


survivorFQ

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Hi Everyone,

 

It has been a long time since I posted and I could use some outside advice on what I am currently going through.

 

I have been in a relationship about 2 1/2 years with a guy who I was first roommates/friends with. Initially, things were going well, but I should have noticed the signs when about 6mo into the relationship, when we started to have sex, that his sex drive did not really match mine. During the first six months, we fooled around alot and were just waiting for me to get on birth control again, and for us to both be ready. However, once we started having sex, the fooling around stopped and I am lucky if I get sex once a month, and have gone a couple months without having sex.

 

I have had many open discussions about this, and have gotten all the excuses of "I'm tired cause of work, I'm stressed, I am worried I will get you pregnant, I'm overweight and don't have the energy..." Which are all ligitimate, but when he uses one, then comes up with a different one, it gets frustrating. I am 29 and he is 37 and I feel my sex drive is stronger than ever.

 

Problem #2: He has recently bought a business almost 1 1/2yrs ago, and it occupies all of his time and then some. He is on the phone all hours of the day, and when he does come home is exhausted and sits on the couch and goes to sleep. I understand the start of any business is a busy one, and his company is doing fantastic and they are in the process of expanding and buying 2 more companies. But is it wrong for me to ask that one day a wk, we spend some time together? I feel like right now the only time we spend is default time...since he and i happen to be home at the same time...and most of the time he just watches t.v.

 

I recently went away on a 3mo business trip, and flew him out to see me once, tried a second time but he was "too busy with work" to come. I feel as though I put in so much effort and he lives by the excuse...I am my father's son, we were raised to work hard and make money. I have no problem with someone working hard...but it is one thing to work hard and another to be obsessed with work. Even his best friend has mentioned he never has time to hang out with him anymore. It just seems there is no balance in his life.

 

So here is the delemma...I got back from my trip and I asked him, does he want this relationship...and if so is he willing to make some changes so it can work. I addressed our sex life, his obsessive work nature, and the fact I feel as though things are never going to change. He went on to say he has developed habits and that he wants to be in a relationship that doesn't ask for him to change. I said I am not asking him not to drink, or to start to exercise and lose weight...I love him for him. However, I am asking that we have a relationship, since what we have is not a healthy one. He admited he did not know what a healthy relationship is. So i told him to think on it and we would talk today...we have not talked today...he just tends to avoid the conversation.

 

So i am wondering, if I am asking too much, or if I should address this diferently? Part of me wants to move away for awhile...just cause it makes me so sad to watch someone I love work so hard, to the point he stresses himself out, runs himself down and gets sick all the time. However, part of me feels as though I would be bailing out on him..and I don't want to do that either, cause I really do love him.

 

So any advice or comments would be appreciated...sorry about the post being so long

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He's taking you for granted, and you're putting in all the work. If he can't even work with you on ways to improve things, or come up with ideas of his own and express them to you, then I'd say that you're better off without him. Actions speak louder than words. I'm toying with the idea of going off and being single too, simply because all I get is "this is how I am, I can't change that," and excuses. It's a really hard choice to make. I know how frustrating it is to second guess yourself, wondering if certain things that feel like dealbreakers, shouldn't be, and if you're just being silly. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

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Have him get his testosterone levels checked. Seriously. This can have HUGE impact on his desire and ability with sex. It also affects overall fatigue and even weight gain. Stress levels can affect the male production of testosterone. He should go in a discuss his status with his doctor. And be honest with the lack of desire/intimacy. A simple blood test could have identify a cause.

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I would ask him bluntly "What is most important in your life?" If the answer is his company and work then there is something wrong you can't fix. Men sometimes identify who they are by their work and success. Ego can drive men to push themselves so hard to succeed and when they do they push harder because what they were looking for didn't materialize (happiness)

As far as I can tell he is the most important in your life and you treat him as such. If he answers that you are most important to him then ask him if he thinks he treats you that way. His answers might surprise himself if he is honest. Help him see this can't be the life he dreamed of. We all work so we can live but we shouldn't live to work.

 

As blue said a checkup is in order with full blood tests.

 

lost

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Thanks everyone...

 

I will definatly ask him what is most important in his life...I have kind of hinted to that question but have never been that blunt. At this point in my life I would to live life to its fullest...so if it is with him, wonderful...but if not, i would rather figure that out now then spend a few more years with someone who cares more about work then me.

 

I will keep you posted on how things go. I am sure I will be back for more advice later if things don't go too well. I will also talk to him about getting blood work...unfortunately, he like most men I have met are not so keen on going to the doctors, but it is worth a shot.

 

Thanks...

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