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Oryx11

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Hi,

 

Here's my situation:

I've been in a relationship, on and off with the same guy for 7 years and I have an 11 year old son from a prior relationship.

The first 2 years with my bf were great until it wasn't anymore, we started not communicating, we were both really unhappy and decided to sell the house we had bought less than a year back. I bought my own house and he rented an appartment for about 6 months, then we got back together and he moved back in with me. A year later, same thing, he had a drinking problem and smoked alot of weed, I couldn't deal with it anymore and he wouldn't get help, so he got a job in the Yukon (4000 miles away from me) and lived there for 6 months. While he was there, we kept talking on the phone and e-mailing each other, I missed him alot and he told me he wasn't drinking anymore, that he had everything under control. He arranged for me to go visit him for 10 days and we had a really nice time, everything was like in the old days...So when I got back I though that maybe things could work out again and asked him if he would come back, and he did, and things were not the way they seemed; he was still drinking heavily and still smoking. So I regretted asking him to come back but felt so guilty about making him come back that I didn't say anything right away and let things go, but it ate me up inside and I became really distant and stopped caring about it altogether. Today, he has quit drinking during the week for the past 3-4 months, he finally did go consult but only 2 sessions. He still drinks and smokes every weekend even if he knows I don't like it. I don't mind him having a drink once in a while, I like to do the same, but I don't drink from friday night to sunday just because it's the weekend, and I don't smoke weed and don't like to be around him when he does because he becomes annoying. He knows that but still does it. So I don't know what to do anymore, I have asked, I have threaten him to leave him again, I have done everything I could to make him stop but he won't.

Another thing is that he's become lazy and impatient with my son. I do everything in the house, he won't do anything to help unless I ask and I don't like having to ask for help all the time, I wish he would have a bit more initiative...he's bad with money so I'm the one paying all the bills and the mortgage, he gives me a certain amount each month to cover the bills but it's not enough, I make half his salary and I end up paying more. But he spent so much money when he was in the Yukon that he's (we're) stuck paying his debt, he gets upset with my 11 yr old almost everyday for stupid reason, yes he's 11 and he's annoying sometimes and challenges us all the time, but it's normal and screaming at him is not helping. I have told him many many times that he's going to let him be a kid sometimes and to chose his battles, who cares if his shoes laces are too long??! it's not that big of a deal.

 

Anyway, I realize that I'm venting, I was told to screw off this morning when he was upset with my son for not getting out of bed and I gave him a nasty look, so I'm pissed off and I think I'm ready to give up again...which is very scary considering what we've been through and what my family's going through right now...let's just say that I don't need more drama in my life at the moment.

 

Anybody got an idea of how I can approach the situation? Maybe I'm missing something, I don't know. I would appreciate any insight.

Thanks

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Yeah, telling him to leave would be good. You are footing all the bills and he yells at your child? Plus he is an alcoholic and abuses drugs. Show him the door. Your son and you are worth more than that. Your son does not need that as an example of manhood. He is a grown man, let him grow up and pay for himself somewhere other than in your life.

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Get Out!!!

 

This guy is not going to change until he's ready to change. He has to want to do it for himself, not others. Basically, he has to hit bottom.

 

He won't attend AA?

 

What in the world do you get from this realationship?

 

The person I'm concerned about your son. This is not a good environment.

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No he won't attend AA, he doesn't want to share his problems with a group of people, I don't blame him, but he does need to get help somehow. He did consult but the lady basically told him he didn't have a drinking problem and ended it after 2 sessions, I think that's because he went after he decided to finally quit drinking every night. So I guess she thought he was doing well by what he was telling her.

 

He's not a bad guy, he's very supportive of everything I do and he's very good to me and my son in general, he just lacks the patience a parents needs he's not very responsible. He wants to have a child with me but I've been avoiding the subject because I don't think we should bring another child in this relationship, not the way things are, it wouldn't be fair.

 

I've been blaming all our problems on all the stress and drama both our families have been going through, lately, his parents have declared bankruptcy (business and personal) because of his father's gambling addiction, my sister just got out of a nasty abusive relationship and is now stuck raising 4 kids on her own and my mother just found out she's got breast cancer. So all of this is putting a lot of stress on both of us and makes me feel like my problems are really not so bad nor as important...

 

But yes you are right, he won't change to please me or anyone else, he's got to do it for himself, but he's got to acknowledge he has a problem first and that's what I've been trying to make him do..

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Yes, I know that...

But do you find that it's normal for someone to drink every weekend? I'm not trying to make up excuses for him whatsoever but he went from drinking every day to drinking 2 days a week. It is an improvement but in my mind, someone who has any addiction should stay away completely, I wouldn't be surprised to see him right back in it in the near future. Sometimes I think I'm being too hard on him or that I'm using his drinking for an excuse to kick him out for other reasons..

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You can't make him do anything.

 

Even if he is only drinking on the weekends he is still an alcoholic. Plus, you have the weed smoking, not good.

 

I have to say your perspective has changed a bit. You said initially that he wasn't paying the bills, doing drugs, and screaming at your child. I don't understand, you seem to be defending him now????

 

I'm really concerned about your child in what he witnessing and experiencing in the household. Have you talked to a professional regarding this situation?

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No I'm not trying to defend him, He is impatient with my son and does have a addiction, those are the facts. I'm just really confused, I don't know what to do. I have talked to a professional about it but that was during the time he was in Yukon, we were not together at the time.

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Your problem is you are trying to live with an active alcoholic/drug addict. If he drinks from Friday thru Sunday and smokes a lot of pot, he is definitely an addict, no matter what he tries to convince you.

 

He needs to go to rehab, and accept that he can't drink or smoke at all. If he won't do that, then this is the way your life will always be, and obviously it is not working for you.

 

So if you want to give it one last shot, start making arrangements to get him into a rehab program. Look to see if his insurance or job will cover it, or if there are state resources to help pay for it. If he refuses to go, then he has made a decision that drugs/alcohol are more important than his family life, and it is time for you to boot him out so you and your children can live a normal life. Living with an active drinker/druggie is a miserable life, as you have discovered, and you shouldn't enable him to continue.

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I have told him that I'm tired of the way things are and that I don't feel I can believe him when he says he will quit. Of course he is very apologetic and still says he will change. One thing that really bothers me is that he is saying that he needs me to be hard on him. Well I don't want to have to do that! I don't wanna have to check on him all the time, I'm not his mother, he needs to take responsibility. He says if it wasn't for me being hard on him in the past, he would still be drinking heavily every day. I'm not sure what I'm suppose to read into that...it sounds to me like he's relying on me to make him stop drinking...Maybe it's a weak attempt at making me feel guilty? this is hard..

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I suggested that we take a break so I have time to think about all this and he goes get real help....He's freaking out at the thought of moving out again, that's the best option we have I think, it's that or breaking up for good.

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If he wants you to be hard, then tell him you are just doing what he asked !

 

Tell him that if he can't find the strength on his own, he probably needs to move out, go to rehab, and live on his own for a while and show you he can survive on his own and NOT drink. If he's done that for a year, then maybe you can believe him and consider moving in together again, but not until then. He needs to be working on himself and getting sober/straight.

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So now he says he will get help and he wants us to go for couple counseling. I don't think I even want to try to save or relationship anymore, I've been disappointed with it too many times, I can't believe him when he says he will get help and I don't think I care enough anymore to save this relationship. I'm thinking that after failing at it 3 times, we should move on. He was begging me to not kick him out last night, telling me I'm the only thing that matters to him. I just wish he would have showed that to me when it was still time...

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So now he says he will get help and he wants us to go for couple counseling. I don't think I even want to try to save or relationship anymore, I've been disappointed with it too many times, I can't believe him when he says he will get help and I don't think I care enough anymore to save this relationship. I'm thinking that after failing at it 3 times, we should move on. He was begging me to not kick him out last night, telling me I'm the only thing that matters to him. I just wish he would have showed that to me when it was still time...

 

I think your first concern should be your child. This is a very unheathy environment.

 

You have to ask yourself, how many times does this guy have to disappoint you before you will realize that his word has no value.

 

The actions-or inaction- say it all! This is who he is.

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Addicts are notorious for begging and pleading and saying they will change, then they don't. He needs a caretaker and a roof over his head, and he knows it.

 

So tell him the only change that works is a REAL change, and the only way he can show you he has changed is to get out of your house and work on his sobriety for at least a year to show that the change is real. Advise him that he needs to be in rehab, not in your house, and offer to help him make arrangements to go into a residential rehab program.

 

You've helped launch him in the direction of sobriety then, but whether he does the right thing or not is up to him and shouldn't involve you any more.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Update:

 

We have split up, he's moving out next week, the last 2 weeks have been hell. I've been struggling with my decision, I was very afraid of making a mistake and then regretting it when it was too late. Now I'm ok, it's still hard but at least I know I'm making the right move. Like I said, he was begging me not to leave him and telling me he would quit for good and would get help. He even called and made an appointment with a therapist, he did not drink or smoke for a whole week, but then when we decided to split up, he canceled his appointment and started drinking and smoking again...So now I don't feel so bad, it's the proof that he was only doing it so I don't kick him out...I guess it's not my problem anymore...it still saddens me though, I do love him and care for him..

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