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Unemployed boyfriend- starting to feel like he's mooching


pseudofemme

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At the end of August, my long-distance boyfriend moved accross the country to come live with me. For the most part, everything is fantastic- I love him dearly, we've gotten engaged, and he is literally the first person I've ever felt comfortable living with (I always hated having roommates, even if they were good people).

 

There's only one problem: he's unemployed and making VERY little effort to find a job. When he moved in, he had about 1500 dollars in cash to help pay half the rent each month (we live in an apartment) until he found work. His original goal was to have a job by the end of September... which clearly didn't happen. And I was quite alarmed that the $1500 disappeared REALLY fast - he has a tendency to make unnecessary impulse buys and he likes going out to very expensive restaurants. So now he has a grand total of $10 left in his pocket, and I'll have to cover next month's rent, utilities, groceries, etc. with my own paycheck, which is pretty small. (I work two part time jobs, but go to school as well, and have to pay for textbooks and tuition.)

 

I totally understand that it can be hard finding work, especially because he doesn't have a whole lot of job experience, doesn't have a degree yet, and the economy right now makes it tough to find work. The part that bothers me is that he just isn't trying! Whenever he (or I, since I'm helping him look) finds a job listing that looks promising, he'll simply not apply for it, come up with reasons he doesn't want that job, or procrastinate for so long that the job is already filled before he sends them his resume. In the time he's lived here, he's only sent in an application to one place, and it was to a job he wasn't even qualified for.

 

I'm starting to feel like he's mooching off me a little bit. He stopped making extravagant purchases, and he's definitely gotten better about how he uses his own money (probably because there isn't any left ... but it's like, I get up super early, go to my first job, then go to school, then sometimes go to my second job, and then come home late and exhausted -- and meanwhile he's just at home all day reading or using the computer. He does a lot of housework and cooks and cleans, which I really appreciate, but I would much rather have some help paying the rent and bills. At this point, my savings is almost completely gone and I'm even looking for a third job because my current income just isn't enough for two people.

 

He has apologized sooo many times for not having a job yet, and keeps asking me if I'm mad he isn't working. So it's not like he feels guiltless about it. I just don't understand why he doesn't put in more of an effort. Lately he's only been looking at job listings twice per week, and not looking very thoroughly, for that matter.

 

Basically, I'm worried that this whole thing is signaling a bigger issue. I think our approaches to finances may be very, very different... he lived at home most of his life before living with me (he's 24) and most of that time he was either working for a family member or not working at all. I'm worried that once we do get married, he is not going to be serious about work and the burden of finances will land on my shoulders. I don't mind working, but my current schedule is just exhausting me and I don't know how I could juggle a third job, if it comes down to that.

 

Are my concerns unreasonable? When he asks me if I'm upset he doesn't have a job yet, I try to be supportive and tell him I want him to find a job he truly loves rather than something miserable just for a paycheck. Ahhh, what to do?

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Are my concerns unreasonable? When he asks me if I'm upset he doesn't have a job yet, I try to be supportive and tell him I want him to find a job he truly loves rather than something miserable just for a paycheck. Ahhh, what to do?

 

 

Tell him your savings are dwindling and he needs to get something ASAP even if it is a temp job until he can find a better one.

 

Him asking you "are you mad that I dont have a job yet" could be another way of saying "so are you fine with working two jobs while I relax here". Tell him you need him to find something ASAP and see if he actually does it. If he is sincerely feeling bad about the situation then he will be willing to go out and get something. If more of the same continues I would not marry this guy.

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Holy, giant red flag waving here.

 

You are NOT being unreasonable, you are being WAY too nice.

 

Its gone on long enough, he needs a job PERIOD. None of this 'find one you love' crap, because he has bills to pay, a wedding to save for, and a life that he's living that needs money.

 

I think he's gotten too comfortable, and you're certainly not making it a big issue for him to get a job. And he's not going to because it appears that you're quite fine with it.

 

Its time to put your foot down. Can you keep affording to cover EVERYTHING? If not, make it clear you're going to have to find a roommate that is going to split the bills. You;'re busting your ass, and he's at home playing on the computer. HELLO?!?!

 

Its not right, or fair. i think you need to be a little more assertive and aggressive with him. As long as you're playing the nice card, the longer he's going to sit on that couch. It needs to stop NOW.

 

Its time to sit him down and say "Look, its been x amount of months and nothing's happening. I can't keep paying everything myself. What are you going to do to hold up your half? What are you doing? Right now I am feeling like..x.y.z...and these are my fears for the future..."

 

He's defenitely mooching.

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you know, at this point, he needs to get a job, any job, whether that be working at a bookstore, coffeeshop, fast food, etc..... he needs to get a job, and then continue looking for one in his field. i think he is mooching off you big time. if you have 2 jobs + go to school, he can find ONE job. i know the economy sucks and all, but something is better than nothing.

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He needs a job asap. You shouldnt have all this on your shoulders. Is it that he cant find a job or he doesnt like the jobs that are open. He has 10 bucks. Money is money. He can have 2 par time jobs to make full time hours and still look for a job that is better for him. But now is not the time for him to be picky. He obviously needs to make money now.

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I agree with everyone else. You are being too nice. Tell him to get off his rear and come back when he has a job.

 

Its a HUGE red flag, he can get something until something better comes along. Tell him to get a job or get out! if you mean anything to him he'll do it.

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People sometimes want to wait for their dream job to come around. My friend was recently unemployed and in his industry their were very little job offerings. He kept looking and looking but couldn't find anything. He came to me for advice and I told him to get any job that pays a decent wage and keep looking for your dream job. He got a job at a bank stayed there for about a month till something more promissing came up. I suggest you tell this guy the same thing.

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Yea he is mooching BIG TIME> He needs to get up and go out just like yoiu do everyday and stay out all day long until he finds a job! I would make him start getting up in the AM when you do and tell him that he has to make it happen. Aug, Sept, Oct and now Nov. Stop while you are ahead. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't intend on getting a real job.

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Seriously getting a job is not that hard. It's when you get picky about the job that things become difficult. When my uncle first came here to the US he didn't have a regular job. He took whatever came to him. He was never sure what kind of job he would get that day so he always left the house wearing a suit. He figured it was always better to be overdressed than to be underdressed.

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When he asks you if you're mad, he's actually just seeking validation that it's ok to continue to put getting a job on the back burner. Same with the chores - She says she's not mad and she understands the economy and I do stuff around the house so it's ok that I'm costing her money and time.

 

$1500 is nothing. I wouldn't move anywhere if that's all the money I had. Especially knowing what the economies like.

 

You say he doesn't have a degree yet. Does he intend to get one? How does he intend to pay for this since he won't even get a job to pay his basic way?

 

Having no job experience what kind of job does he think he's going to get?

 

He needs to buck up and enter the grown up world. You're his girlfriend, not his mum.

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