Jump to content

Children and their pain


Recommended Posts

It's been a year since my ex left and my 7 year old daughter still crys about once a week about the divorce. Last night she was wailing about how she "doesn't want the divorce anymore". I asked her if she ever tells her mom these things and she says "no" I told her that her mom thinks everthing is just fine and she should tell her different but she won't. The ex and I do not talk at all I know this is a problem but there is nothing I can do about it, she has wished death upon me a few times and wants under no circumstances for me to know anything that is going on in her life.

 

My daughter has been going to a therapist but it really doesn't seem to be helping so I am thinking about switching therapist.

 

I know all kids are different but can anyone shed any light on when it may end from their own children's experiences?

 

I don't remember my little sister crying for a year after my parents split, I guess I will call her and ask her, but we were accustom to our dad being gone since he was in the military.

 

It just breaks my heart and frustrates me all at the same time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've been in this situation before, except I was the kid. I was 9 years old when my parents divorced, & I had a really hard time accepting it. My mom says I wouldn't really cry in public, but I would lock myself in the bathroom for minutes & walk out with red-eyes. They had me see a psychologist, also. I don't remember if the psychologist really did anything for me, but it took about a year for me to accept their divorce.

 

I can tell you one thing though. Problems should not be discussed with the child. I would sometimes open up to my father & tell him how much their divorce upset me, & he'd say "Well, it's your mother's fault. I want her, but she doesn't want me." Then I'd go to my mother & tell her the same thing & she would always say something like, "Sometimes things just don't work out between two people sweety." My father was extremely good at brainwashing me, & my mother never wanted to say one bad thing about my father.

 

Looking back at my experience, I believe that only time can heal this situation; however, the parents could make it so much harder on the child by getting them involved. The child should never know how you guys feel about each other, & she should never hear you two arguing or talking bad about one another. This will have a lasting effect on her. Sometimes what parents don't understand is that the child is trying to make things better. She's trying to be a friend for both of you & wants to make things work. When she feels like she's not making any progress, she puts the blame on herself.

 

I'm not sure how the relationship between you & your ex-wife is, but if possible, it's really important that you talk about this matter & come to a mutual agreement about how you're going to help your daughter cope with the divorce. Instead of wasting time wishing bad things upon one another or pointing fingers, the focus should be on your daughter & how to help her cope with this situation. Afterall, she had no choice, say, or fault in this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Children do not grieve like adults they can only do it little bits at a time. I think before you said your wife was abusive and I think that is more your daughter's issue than the divorce, but she can not articulate that cause she is not old enough. If I am making a mistake about your ex, I am sorry.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How long has she been seeing the therapist?

 

 

Maybe it would help if you and her mom had family counseling with her (in separate sessions). She may feel safer to open up to her mom about her feelings in the presense of the therapist.

 

Encourage her to keep a diary and write down or draw what she is feeling. At 7 years old, it will probably be as simple as "I'm sad today", etc.

 

The therapist can tell you about other different activities that are beneficial for children who are going through difficult emotional times.

 

How is your daughter's performance in school right now?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tex,

My 8 yr old son has seen a therapist and we were all in the room together to talk openly about any issues and then the ex and I would leave the therapist and my son alone to talk about what was brought up. My son has done better but he has had some issues lately that have me worried. Getting them to open up is the hardest part but it can be done. My son has told my sister things he has never told me but I have never brought them up to him. I don't force the issues and let them ebb and flow.

I really feel for your situation but there is only so much we can do to protect our kids from the pain of divorce.

 

lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Children do not grieve like adults they can only do it little bits at a time. I think before you said your wife was abusive and I think that is more your daughter's issue than the divorce, but she can not articulate that cause she is not old enough. If I am making a mistake about your ex, I am sorry.

 

She has anger issues and was washing my at the time 2 year olds mouth out with soap among other things.

 

 

 

How long has she been seeing the therapist?

 

 

Maybe it would help if you and her mom had family counseling with her (in separate sessions). She may feel safer to open up to her mom about her feelings in the presense of the therapist.

 

Encourage her to keep a diary and write down or draw what she is feeling. At 7 years old, it will probably be as simple as "I'm sad today", etc.

 

The therapist can tell you about other different activities that are beneficial for children who are going through difficult emotional times.

 

How is your daughter's performance in school right now?

 

She's been seeing the therapist for about 2 months now. Surprisingly she is doing great in school, everyone always asks that question counselors, friends, coworkers anyone I talk to about her. She is in first grade and has yet to bring home anything less than a 95 on her work, she reads on a second grade level everything is great with her, she is "normal" most of the time, then BAM! she starts crying about the divorce, or how she wants mommy, I tell her well lets call mommy and you can talk to her and see if you can go to her house, and she always says NO I don't want to I just want mommy to come here.

 

I do think the ex says things about me to the kids that she shouldn't but there is no way to prove it. The last thing was when she changed jobs she told my daughter to keep it a secret because daddy would just want more money...I mean holy heck why would you say that to a 7 year old?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly I could not imagine being in the same room as my ex, I'm still not healed enough to stomach it, but I ALWAYS talk their mother up, when I speak about her to the kids and try to explain to them that no matter how she acts that she loves them very much...although I do not believe this myself...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One other thing to mention. Young children her age are very sensitive to their parents own feelings. Are you still struggling/sad about the divorce, and letting her know this? She may be picking up on your feelings and projecting them back to you.

 

Children have been shown to do better in divorce if you project a more happy/stable situation for them, i.e., don't discuss your own sad feelings or talk a lot about wishing the divorce didn't happen, or being mad at her mother etc.

 

If you start showing her you are OK with it, she will be OK with it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

One other thing to mention. Young children her age are very sensitive to their parents own feelings. Are you still struggling/sad about the divorce, and letting her know this? She may be picking up on your feelings and projecting them back to you.

 

Children have been shown to do better in divorce if you project a more happy/stable situation for them, i.e., don't discuss your own sad feelings or talk a lot about wishing the divorce didn't happen, or being mad at her mother etc.

 

If you start showing her you are OK with it, she will be OK with it.

 

 

No we talk about being OK and such and how her aunt ( my little sister) was ok after grandma and grandpa got a divorce

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...