Jump to content

Was this vindictive?


Smyles

Recommended Posts

I dated a guy for 7 months, 5 months we were intimate. Two weeks ago, he stopped picking up or returning my calls and emails. A couple times prior to that in a two months span, we often argue about his active account at link removed. He didn't tell me that he had an account there. I found it when a friend of mine was browsing and I happened to be there with her. I called him on it, but he denied that he was meeting or emailing anyone.

 

So I ventured on to CL on Sunday. Did a personal posting and he responded! A few minutes before he responded to my ad, we had talked briefly. He only picked up mistakenly because I called him from my roommate's phone. I knew that if I called him from my phone, he wouldn't pick up. He was agitated with me, wanting to get off the phone, said he had important business to take care of.

 

Anyway, to make a long story short, I assumed an identity and exchanged with him a few emails. I asked him if he had been dating anyone previously; however, he made no mention of me. He did say that he went on a couple of dates, but nothing came out of them. Yesterday, I decided to reveal myself because I don't like this kind of head games. Surprisingly, he had very little to say. All he said was that he can't believe I'd go to that to see if he was lying or not. I was ready to snap back at him that he did evidently lie to me. But I kept my composure.

 

We'll probably not talk or see each other again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Nah I don't think it was vindictive, you didn't hurt anyone. He is the one who was mean, he obviously has difficulty commiting, but he should have been straight with you, not lead you on and then stopped answering your calls - that is immature.

 

If it makes you feel better, I made a fake profile once to see if the guy I liked online (and had seen a couple of times) was still interested in other people.. Low and behold he was, I just didn't respond to his "virtual kiss / message" as my alter ego.. and I never revealed who I was, I didn't want to him to know I cared enough to go to that extent, hehe... But I think we all do these funny things, as long as you don't hurt anyone I don't see a problem in it - I guess it's a little far fetched, but hey?!

 

Ammy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think that stooping to that level of entrapping someone ends up hurting yourself by most often making you feel badly about yourself. Were you exclusively dating? If not, he was free to date others and if so, I am not sure why you had to go to those lengths - if he is looking to date others isn't that answer enough that he is not committed to you? I am sorry this disappointed you and I hope you meet someone who doesn't behave in this way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Did you two have an agreement of exclusivity. This is why I always say it is important to have these exclusivity discussions. Sleeping together and ACTING like a couple does not mean you are a committed couple if there has been no such discussion and agreement. You said you were dating for 7 months but you didn't say he was your boyfriend. Big difference. Dating means that you are both free to date others and some people will sleep with others as well. Given this bit of news that he was looking around, I would strongly suggest that you get tested...who knows how many others he was sleeping with.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I completely disagree with doing this. It was done to me and he never came clean about it. I played along because I knew it was him.

 

If he ever told me he did it I would just say, "I know and I'm sorry if it was my actions that caused you suspicion."

 

It really erodes the trust in a relationship and it is never justified. If you need a detective, just walk away.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I completely disagree with doing this. It was done to me and he never came clean about it. I played along because I knew it was him.

 

If he ever told me he did it I would just say, "I know and I'm sorry if it was my actions that caused you suspicion."

 

It really erodes the trust in a relationship and it is never justified. If you need a detective, just walk away.

 

 

I agree. Actually Kate Bush had a song about this same thing: Babooshka:

 

She wanted to test her husband.

She knew exactly what to do:

A pseudonym to fool him.

She couldn't have made a worse move.

 

She sent him scented letters,

And he received them with a strange delight.

Just like his wife

But how she was before the tears,

And how she was before the years flew by,

And how she was when she was beautiful.

She signed the letter

 

"All yours,

Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!

All yours,

Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!"

 

She wanted to take it further,

So she arranged a place to go,

To see if he

Would fall for her incognito.

And when he laid eyes on her,

He got the feeling they had met before.

Uncanny how she

Reminds him of his little lady,

Capacity to give him all he needs,

Just like his wife before she freezed on him,

Just like his wife when she was beautiful.

He shouted out, "I'm

 

All yours,

Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!

All yours,

Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!

All yours,

Babooshka, Babooshka, Babooshka-ya-ya!"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I agree with what a lot of you said that I should have just walked away. However, I didn't post the ad on CL to entrap him. We were already broken up so I thought. For some odd reason, I felt compelled to post that ad, not because I wanted to start dating again, but just seeing what's out there. But when he responded, he gave me such a great opportunity. I mean, if you were presented with a delicious steak or a chocolate souffle on a silver platter, I know that none of you will refuse it.

 

When we first met, I had expressed my intent, that I don't like to date around nor sleep around. He assured me that that was what he wanted too. Until I found his match account that things started getting kinda rocky for us, but I held on because I believe a relationship is worth building on, even if there are some minor bumps on the way.

 

I guess in a way, it made me look desperate. If you're the one being ignored, you can't help but want answers. I could have misled him on with my alter-ego, met up with him to only disappoint him. But I didn't have that in me.

 

Sometimes I wonder if it'll be better to just walk away. I know that's what people would say, it's easy to say, but so hard to do. I don't think there's really any answers in that. We all heal differently. Some can just walk away, while others like me need answers.

 

Why do we constantly let these kind of people who hurt people with their lies get away? We reprimand people for stealing, why can't we reprimand those who lie? A crime is a crime, isn't it, it doesn't matter the degree of commitment. And you know what? I'm justified.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When we first met, I had expressed my intent, that I don't like to date around nor sleep around. He assured me that that was what he wanted too.

 

He can say anything...but the fact of the matter is that you two never discussed being an official couple...you were both still dating with no strings attached. Lots of people get misled when things aren't spelled out very clearly.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He can say anything...but the fact of the matter is that you two never discussed being an official couple...you were both still dating with no strings attached. Lots of people get misled when things aren't spelled out very clearly.

 

If that isn't spelled out clearly than I don't know what else is? I mean at times, I felt we were just in a fwb type of a relationship, but each time I asked him, he assured me that we're not. That he isn't all in it just for the sex.

 

I think that by now, in our late 30's, that exclusive dating shouldn't have to be clearly defined. I understand the need for setting boundaries, but isn't agreeing to my intent, he submits himself to the same?

 

So in all aspect, anyone can lie to just get laid. That's my view now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If that isn't spelled out clearly than I don't know what else is? I mean at times, I felt we were just in a fwb type of a relationship, but each time I asked him, he assured me that we're not. That he isn't all in it just for the sex.

 

I think that by now, in our late 30's, that exclusive dating shouldn't have to be clearly defined. I understand the need for setting boundaries, but isn't agreeing to my intent, he submits himself to the same?

 

So in all aspect, anyone can lie to just get laid. That's my view now.

 

well said.........

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If that isn't spelled out clearly than I don't know what else is? I mean at times, I felt we were just in a fwb type of a relationship, but each time I asked him, he assured me that we're not. That he isn't all in it just for the sex.

 

I think that by now, in our late 30's, that exclusive dating shouldn't have to be clearly defined. I understand the need for setting boundaries, but isn't agreeing to my intent, he submits himself to the same?

 

So in all aspect, anyone can lie to just get laid. That's my view now.

 

I found it even more important in my 30s to discuss exclusivity because I wasn't looking just to date. If it wasn't discussed, I assumed we were not. Even if you say you won't see anyone else that doesn't mean he has to do the same. I agree with COD.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

To Batya and Crazyaboutdogs, I believe we did establish exclusivity when he agreed to my intent. If that wasn\\\'t then he may have just lied his way. How more direct can I get when I spelled out that I don\\\'t date around, I want something monogamous, and he wanted the same?

 

There are so many incidents where I find it hard to believe him. I.E., one time, I had two condoms with me when I went over. We only used one. A week later, I went back, I asked about the condom I left, he claimed he didn\\\'t know I left a condom at his place, when it was him who got both of the condoms out of my bag, I saw him. It pisses me off thinking that he may have possibly used my condom on another woman.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So i am very confused by the bolded statement above. Reading that, I can't figure out what he did wrong. You didn't post the ad to test HIM, you posted the ad to test the waters to see who else was out there for you since you "thought" you two were broken up. Well then wouldn't logic say that if he responded to YOU like he did that he ALSO thought you two were broken up?

 

I dont' know the guy, maybe he's a real jerk, but i dont think you were clearly communicating either if you were posting an ad to see what was out there thinking you were broken up. He didn't do anything different than what you did except for responding to you when he thought you were someone else.

 

YOu were doing the same thing he was doing, putting up a personals ad.

 

So, no, I don't understand this delicious oppty you were presented with. If YOU thought you were broken up than logic and reason says he might have thought that to and THAT IS WHY he responded to that ad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, I should elaborate. It\'s what exchanged in the emails that got me fuming bad. I, my alter-ego, asked him if he had previously dated or seen anyone in the past, and he made no acknowledgment of me. He told her(me) that he had a few dates with a few women here or there, but nothing came out of those dates. Where was I in the picture? He was dating other women and * * * * ing me at the same time?!

 

I just found him on Yahoo Personals today. I didn\'t even know as well. Was just browsing. He last updated his profile, May \'08, when we were already dating and intimate, but was active the last 24 hours. I asked him if he had another personal profile elsewhere when I confronted him about his Match account. He said no. Now tell me if this isn\'t lying?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Why are you still researching him if you are broken up?

 

Regarding the craigslist ad... you, posing as a potential date, asked him if he had seen anyone in the past. Why would he give you, an alleged stranger, that info anyway? Is it really that surprising?

 

You can be as angry as you want at his lies, and continue to search for more info about things he may have lied about, but it will just eat you up inside. You're just hurting yourself more.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

He assured her he wanted an exclusive relationship, he also DENIED seeing other people / looking for other people... So I think he did lie and Smyles didn't do the wrong to expect more of him.

 

Ammy

 

I don't see where he promised to be exclusive with her as opposed to it being a goal and just because he wasn't seeing or looking at the moment doesn't mean that would be true the next day - because they weren't exclusive. Perhaps he wasn't looking when they discussed it, and then he met someone or changed his mind the next day.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I sitll don't see the reason for this much venom. Many people who had a short relationship that failed might say to someone they are talking to on a personals ad "i went on some dates but they didn't work out". To be honest, i doubt i'd give much detail about someone i just broke up with if it wasn't a spouse or longterm when talking to someone who respnoded to my ad.

 

Now for the million dollar question - are you two even BACK TOGETHER now? Or still sorta broken up Because if you are you really have no right to keep checking up on him and if you do be prepared to be labeled a crazy stalker.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't see where he promised to be exclusive with her as opposed to it being a goal and just because he wasn't seeing or looking at the moment doesn't mean that would be true the next day - because they weren't exclusive. Perhaps he wasn't looking when they discussed it, and then he met someone or changed his mind the next day.

 

He knew what she wanted and she checked with him at numerous times and yet he went and did that... All he had to do was be honest with her. I maintain this guy is a jerk! Changing his mind is fine, obviously not ideal, but it's his perogative, but he should have just told her, and broken things off, not faded away - that is weak, cowardly and insensitive in my book!

 

Ammy

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...