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I haven't been happy in too long

Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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I broke up with my bf of 4yrs in July. That was really hard. I still talk to him sometimes and I knew he's still taking it rough and I am still taking it rough. We were one of those couples where everyone was blown away when we broke up because we were "perfect". Moreso because I shrugged stuff off when I shouldn't have and a bunch of other stuff.


During the break-up another guy was already all over me. To the point where I was physically pushing him away while I was still dating my original boyfriend. He had nothing to do with my breakup with my original boyfriend but he sort of offered himself up as a close friend at the time and of course, I would go crying and crushed to him all the time.


I quickly learned that new guy spoke his mind. Literally. At first I loved it because it was the opposite of my ex. He told me stuff like he thought I'd be a great wife and housewife and blah blah, and I was like whoa, that's weird, we aren't dating (though he wanted to and had told me) and I'd only known him well for a month or two... but eventually he said stuff like that so much that I sort of got used to it. I can't say I argued with him much because I was so messed from the breakup I was just really lost and confused and it was likely a confidence booster for me. I probably led him on in a way by not saying anything.


He told me pretty much from day one he wanted to date me, etc etc, so anyway we started to evolve into more of a couple than friends. I thought I really liked him in that way. Things were good. Then something happened in my mind (no idea what) and I started having second thoughts about my original ex, and then other guys in general (I realized I was really freaked out about being locked into something again for some reason)... so I kind of started to tone it down and back away... at the same time I found some sort of undesirable traits of the new guy... so again I started pulling back from that... and well. At that point I had gotten to know his friends and family who all loved me and basically threatened him that if he messed stuff up with me he was screwed (he told me this) etc etc... anyway, by that point he was WAY into us acting as a couple (we were never anything official).


I expressed my feelings towards the whole thing. I told him that he needed to back off because I needed time after the my breakup. That I just wanted to relax for a bit on my own, etc etc. He acknowledges my feelings but just pushes himself onto me and basically smothers me purposefully (as he has said) because he's afraid of me getting away or going to another guy or any other reason. I am afraid of making him feel sad so if he pushes a kiss onto me I'll kiss him back, though PLAINLY visibly not wanting to, this is the same as hugging etc etc... I have become very upset and continually depressed about this whole situation because I want to be friends with him (and I sort of have to be as we have close mutual friends and I can't just walk away from it completely)


Really I think he should respect my wishes and let me be, but at this point it's just like breaking up with someone I'm not even dating!! He cries and freaks out and says we can't hang out anymore and he doesn't treat girls that are just his friends as good and if we become friends we can never date and etc etc.... and he'll pull guilt trips on me from time to time... etc... it's so hard...


I feel I am still completely messed up from my breakup. I have no idea what I want in the least. Not a clue. On an hourly basis I will flipflop around random ideas ranging from going back to my ex, dating the new guy, doing nothing, and moving far far away!! All I know is that I am so miserable it's not funny. I cry almost every night.


Sometimes I feel like I am being stupid because new guy is absolutely gobbersmackedly in love with me - to the point where he'll break down and cry and literally beg me to be with him - he loves me for actual valid reasons, I really truly believe he does. It almost seems like it's a point of obsession, he doesn't stop thinking about me ever... It's so hard to see him now because he just showers me with love and compliments and all that and I feel absolutely horrible because I'm ignoring him or pushing him away or telling him to stop. And then I think... hello... why am I doing that... maybe I'll never find a guy again who loves me so much...


Sometimes when I cry he'll tell me that he'll do friends or dating, he just wants me to be happy, sometimes he'll tell me that he wouldn't be able to deal with just friends....


He keeps asking what I want to do... to stop drawing it out because it's breaking his heart and he just needs to know... I just feel so bad because I know I am being wrong by drawing it out but I am so scared... I have no idea what I want and I don't want to crush my friend's heart by telling him I just want to be friends and then realize later that I was stupid and want him back... it's killing me to do anything right now and I am so miserable....

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Wow you usually never see things on this site from this side. It's a bit refreshing to be honest with you. I'd say tell him to back off. He is really not respecting you right now considering he knows you just got out of a 4 year relationship. It seems he has no desire to take things slow with you and you've had no time to heal.


Love is a two way street. Just because he is head over heals for you does not mean by default you should be with him. Obviously you aren't feeling the same way, you are confused, and you could lead him on to believe.. maybe even trick yourself to think.. you love him also. After time there is a good chance your feelings would change.. I'd just take some time to be single and figure out what you want. Don't worry about him.

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I think you're thinking too much about other people's feelings then your own... To me this guy sounds too needy... I mean if he loves you that much and stuff, he should give you space and let you decide what you want... not try to smuther you with all these things to make you be with him... Kind of sick I think.


If I were you, i'd tell him you need time to think and just stop all communication with him, ex, all these guys... Focus on yourself and do stuff you like... Go out with friends and just have fun. I mean you'll really never be able to be happy in relationship if you're not happy with yourself. If you're meant to be with this guy... a month away will not stop you from being together...


Honestly jumping into another relationship after 4 year one... It just smells like trouble to me... New relationship will not work.

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