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Tough Love or intervention ???


Dewboy
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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Hello everyone.I have recently ran into another phase of my seperation with my wife and I need advice/help on how to approach the issue. The wife and I have been separated for well over a month now and we have recently had a long conversation in which we both agreed that a Divorce is inevitable. You can read my other posts to catch up on my situation and details. When we separated, I moved out and my wife has the house. Before I moved out I asked my wife if she was sure she could handle the mortagage because once I moved out I would have my own bills to handle and would not be able to support her. She would always get defensive and say "oh you dont think i can handle it!?!?.....you dont think I can make it on my own!!?!?!" This more or less pissed me off so I told her "forget that I asked you obviously have it under control." I told her that if it was up to me that I would sell the house, pay off all of our debt and then split the profits 50/50 and part ways. She was so dead set against leaving the house there was no talking her out of it. I event old her she could live with me until she found a place. So here we are, not even a month into the separation and she is telling me on the phone that she doesnt even have money to buy food and that she will just go hungry until she gets paid again. This angers me because she does have a full time job and she has excellent credit and credit cards. I told her that it's ok to charge groceries when she is in a bind but she refuses and says she wil just go hungry!

 

Here is where it gets complicated....we both have a 10yr old daughter together. My daughter lives with my wife full time. My daughter has spent the night with me the past 2 nights because she said "we don't have anything to eat in the house". Now my daughter embellishes the truth sometimes but this still bothers me. My wife asked me if I would buy her some McDonalds tonight and that she would pay me back. I bought her some food and told her not to worry about paying me back. Now I do want everyone to undersand that my wife is not in the "poor house" by any means. We have a beautiful house, she drives a 2004 Acura TSX (fully loaded with a Navigation system) and she wears high dollar name brand items. She is used to having extra money when I was around and now she has only enough money to cover the house note and her car payment and utilities. I cover all of my daughters expenses and I mean ALL which equates to about $400 a month.

 

I can't help to feel as if my wife is doing this to make me feel sorry for her...the truth of the matter is...I don't. She has pretty much crushed me in our relationship and I am done with her emotionally and physically. I never like to see anyone go hungry and be miserable but my wife just pisses me off because she loves to get attention and wants to be the one that everyone feels sorry for. I am stressed because my daughter lives with her and she see's this ridiculous behavior from my wife and isn't sure what to think.

 

My question is....do I ignore her and give her the "tough love" treatment in hopes that she will cope and be stronger in the end?

 

Or do I buy her food and help with bills? My fear with this option is that once I help her she will continue to ask me for support and use me to get what she wants.

 

Please help

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I think you have to be careful here because if you do start to support her you may set a precedent when it comes to the divorce settlement. I think you should talk to a lawyer ASAP - but in the meantime a few bucks probably won't hurt if you make it clear it isn't going to be a regular thing - you would not want your daughter to think badly of you.

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Here is another vote for not being too generous with the money. Once you set a precedent it will be likely a judge will simply keep it in place figuring you can just afford it.

 

Talk to a lawyer, figure out what the appropriate child support level is, and then make sure to pay that only. If your wife can't afford the house then selling it will suddenly look a lot better to her.

 

And if she's not feeding your daughter then perhaps your daughter should be living with YOU instead.

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I would like to clarify that she does make sure my daughter is being fed. She loves my daughter more than life itself and she should but her constant "manic depressive "no one cares about me attitude" is driving me nuts. ](*,)

 

She ignores issues so she doesn't have to deal with them (she admitted this to me more than once and this is why I left). She knows that problems dont go away but she refuses to deal with them....she would rather stew in her misery and that just burns me up. She hasnt even told her family anything yet about our situation. They live over a thousand miles away but she is too embarrassed to call them and ask for help or even discuss her problems. I on the other hand have told my entire family and my closest friends and I have to admit it felt great getting it off my chest.

 

I'm learning the hard way, you cannot help people who choose not to help themselves.

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Make no mistake, if she refuses to take responsibility for herself she is not acting like an adult.

 

She has a responsibility to your daughter which is entirely independent of you. What would she do if you were suddenly unable to assist her? She needs to figure that out and then prepare for her new self-sufficient life.

 

I would suggest telling her that you'd love to help her out but you simply cannot afford it. It is the truth, you cannot afford to enable your child's mother because it's keeping her sick.

 

I am in the same boat with my future ex husband so I will take my own advice.

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Make no mistake, if she refuses to take responsibility for herself she is not acting like an adult.

 

She has a responsibility to your daughter which is entirely independent of you. What would she do if you were suddenly unable to assist her? She needs to figure that out and then prepare for her new self-sufficient life.

 

I would suggest telling her that you'd love to help her out but you simply cannot afford it. It is the truth, you cannot afford to enable your child's mother because it's keeping her sick.

 

I am in the same boat with my future ex husband so I will take my own advice.

 

Just to fully understand, when you say that "it's keeping her sick", what is meant by that?

 

Thanks-

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This is her sickness, to answer your question. Every time you bail her out, large or small, you reinforce her irresponsibility. I have to challenge myself to become a part of the solution instead of staying where I've been for almost 12 years which is a part of the problem.

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