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its my birthday today


mr me

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Its just i really wish it wasnt. It basically reminds me of how happy i used to be to have my ex in my life. Ive never really had anyone that i could share things with in my life because im always the loner or outsider with pretty much everyone ive ever been around. I used to think that maybe i was an alien or something because it just didnt make any sense to always be so different. I just dont know if im that type of different that means something special or that person that will be miserable for the rest of their life. I guess most of the time im both but lately all its been for me is being miserable. I used to have a girl in my life that actually made me feel like i didnt have to feel the way i always felt growing up. Its just that same person basically did everything possible in her power to completely ruin my life. Im still trying to deal with the memory loss that ive had because i basically had to block out everything that happened in that time. She was abusive but i didnt know that there was such a thing as abuse that wasnt physical. Its all been so much that i really cant think about it pretty much at all. Its been a really long time and it still affects me so much that it basically just makes everyday another day of me struggling with trying to deal with it.

 

I really just wanted my life to be over because i dont know why someone would always have to go thru so much like i do. I really cant see myself taking my own life because i dont really know but i just wont do it. Its just having those thoughts in your head all the time can really wear you down. I also have to deal with alot of other really depressed and dark thoughts. I just never could of imagined my life being this miserable. Most people usually give me dirty looks because i always tried to be happy and alot of those people arent. I dont have any support system and if i would even call it that it isnt much of a good one. I basically grew up in a really toxic background and most of the people that ive ever been around are usually toxic as well. I guess that makes me also a toxic person but ive basically tried my whole life to be as good of a person as i could be but it basically just caused me to be hurt alot. I am also the over-sensitive type so it basically makes things hard enough for me as it is. I just really try not to think about everything too much because its really brings me down. I basically spend all my time alone and just try to get away from the world i live in. Its just i know that isnt gonna make it go away or help me but it just seems to bring me down so much that i cant even find a way out of it.

 

I guess for example my family is really co-dependent so growing up around that you dont even realize that it basically sucks you in so eventho i need to get away from all of this its been really hard. I dont even know what it is that bothers me or makes it so hard. I guess alot of ppl will say just do it then but if you unconsciously are stopping yourself or making things hard for yourself than i dont feel like it will ever work. Im also trying to deal with my addictive behavior because of my depression so its all just seems like a black hole that keeps sucking me in. I can only think of trying to give myself time but ive been doing that and i dont really see much progress. Its just scary to know what i go thru everyday is really my life because to me it doesnt seem like this could really be happening to me.

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"It's not your circumstances that have you down; your thoughts about your circumstances have you down. It is possible to be in one of the biggest battles for your life and still be filled with joy and peace and victory--if you simply learn how to choose the right thoughts."

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Today is my x's birthday, but it still makes me feel sorta the way your feeling. I miss the good times, and the good feelings. I wonder if I'll get anything remotely close to that again. I don't feel like I'm an alien, but I definitely don't feel like I'm normal either. Best way I can describe it is that I feel like an outcast....

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