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Does he like me/is he gay or bi?


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If He Likes You He'll Do This -...
If He Likes You He'll Do This - Harsh Truth

Okay so I need your help everyone.

So I first met this guy when we were both about 8, he played soccer with my twin brother, and at the time I always liked him i thought he was so damn cute but I mean me being 8 I didn't do or say anything of course. So fast forward 9 years to this summer when we both started working together, and let me just say Damn, he is still fine. Now neither my brother nor I have talked to him in 9 years but over the summer him and I grew really close and we did lots of things outside of work together and with other staff members and I just fell in love with him all over again. Now i'm bi, but no one knows it because I'm straight acting and i don't share it with people, I've had lots of girlfriends and at the beginning of the summer just brought up with my girlfriend of 11 months. So over the summer there would be occasions where this friend (we'll call him B) would touch me gently, or sometimes i'd go to sit down and he'd put his hand under me and feel me up, I'd just laugh or do it back to him, and then there were other times when we, and some co-workers, laid out with blankets to watch some fireworks and just him and i shared a blanket and he kept saying his hand was cold so finally i just grabbed his hand and we held hands, under the blanket, for a good 5 minutes or so, and then later that night we were walking to our cars and he linked arms with me.... And we've gone and done other things and he'll sneak up behind me and hold onto my waist and almost pretend to hump me, and I'll jump on his back while he's walking sometimes and he'd grab my ass and just all sorts of things that make me now thing: why didn't i make a move over the summer?

 

So anyways, now its almost November, and although we talk on MSN everynight and have the odd phone conversation, i really haven't seen him since September, but the things he'll say on msn will be like, well for instance once after i got off the phone with him he said on msn "It's nice to hear your voice" and i mean my heart just melts for this guy. We're both 17 and he's never done anything with anyone he claims and i've asked him casually if he's gay and he just says no, furthest thing from it or will say "straight as can be"... so i need help, what do i do? Should i just go for it and make a move on him?.... more than i already had other the summer, I can't figure it out if he's gay or bi or just too young (he acts somewhat immature) to really know whats going on, I'm really into him now, so please someone help

thank you

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That is a hard call... it sounds to me like he might possibly be bi/gay but in denial, so he might be hostile if you made a move on him.

 

Have you thought about telling him that you're bi? I'd try that first and see how he reacts.

 

Out of curiosity- is your twin brother gay or bi? Is he identical? Just curious.

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I think pianoguy's suggested approach is wisest here. Do you know what his opinion of LGBT individuals are? Have you guys discussed homo/bisexuality outside of asking him if he's gay or not? Try and subtly find out what his opinion of homo/bisexuality is. Once your comfortable enough, let him know you're bi and see how he reacts. Don't 'make a move' straight after that but see if his behaviour towards you changes. If it's still ambiguous brace yourself and ask him.

 

I have to agree partly with redhearts here as well. Although his behaviour doesn't sound like how most straight guys act, you say he's playful and that might just be how he jokes around. Best of luck!

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If he held your hand for a whole 5 minutes and you are both dudes, I would say very likely he is gay/bi.

 

Whether or not he is able to admit it to himself is a whole different question. He may genuinely believe he is straight right now and it will take some time for him to finally come to terms with it.

 

 

I have some close mates and we joke around sometimes and I even greet then with hugs, but holding hands for 5 minutes is near impossible for straight guys to do without feeling uncomfortable. We have faked cuddled when goofing around and it gets progressively awkward past 5 seconds. Straight guys will just not hold hands for 5 minutes.

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Thank you all for your replies, I'm going to add (to answer some questions) that first, my twin hasn't lived with me for like 4 years now due to bad choices on his part so I'm not sure of his orientation but yes we are identical, secondly his family is rather religious and all he's mentioned is that he doesn't think gay marriage is right (pffft) but he believes in equal rights just not under the name marriage but recently he's asked me a lot of questions about my * * * * size and that time I asked if he was gay he jokingly said no taking * * * * would hurt and that's about all...

Thanks for the help guys!

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I started reading this because I'm in a vaguely similar situation. To answer your question, I think his reaction may have been (hopefully) just his internalized homophobia from being scared of his own identity. A few of my gay friends have had experiences like that before coming out - it's fear of change, basically.

 

Look at it from a possible viewpoint that he might be having: you're a lifelong friend that he could mess around with from time to time to get rid of his sexual frustration. You were non-threatening until you told him you were bi, which means that there could be possible consequences to his actions. He just lost his only outlet, and he freaked. So to answer your question: yes. Talk to him. In person would be great. That's definitely the best, although most difficult, path to take.

 

Try this; approach him and tell him you considered him to be a very close friend. Tell him that you came out to him because you thought it would be fair for him to know that you were bi, since you've known each other so long. Let him believe that you only came out for friendship's sake. If that doesn't guilt him into apologizing, then he isn't worth it and he isn't the friend you thought he was. If he hits on you later, then you know something further could happen between you. If he's neutral, then he either (a) needs time to mull it over, or (b) is straight and realized his mistake. Regardless of what you do, it's a difficult situation, but you definitely did the right thing by telling him your orientation.

 

Now, what do you think about the situation I've found myself in. So, I have this crush on a guy that I've had a few classes with accross semesters, and we've worked on a few assignments, etc. Contact was pretty minimal between us until we started working together in study groups, when we both started making gay comments about each other. At this point, I wasn't out yet (I'm gay), but I was pretty sure he was straight, since he had a girlfriend. Our back-and-forth went on for a couple months, and then we didn't see each other for a time over summer break. Now that we see each other again, the gay comments started again. BUT! The comments have started taking on a very personal note; things like "I miss seeing you," or "Your body is sexy sexy." Things like that. Text messages out of the blue. It's odd, and out-of-character from what I knew last semester, especially intense innuendos about being with me. The interesting thing is that he's "pseudo-broken-up" with his girl, and many of my straight friends (whom I've asked about this) have sworn that they would never say things like that to another male friend, straight or not.

 

So, what do you guys think? I don't want to insult him by asking him if he's gay/straight/bi/elephant, but I do want to be with him. He's a great guy, all around. Thoughts?

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omg! i'm sorry this happened to you! I was thinking how lucky you were that you two shared so much fun, and its heart-breaking that he reacted this way...

 

did he say exactly why he was breaking contact with you? i mean, is he homophobic because of religion or something? i have told all my friends i'm gay, and i used to hug/cuddle several of them, and many are even very religious, but none has turned away from me - so i'm thinking maybe he's in denial? maybe you could try telling him you guys can still be friends...i dunno, but i hope it works out eventually, good luck

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What? That's awful! And very strange. Talk to him in person the next chance you get- make sure it's in person.

 

For future reference- when you come out to people it's best to do it in person.

 

This is really a very extreme reaction. I think if he has a few days to think he'll realize he's being a douche... at least I hope so. Definitely try to talk to him in person at some point.

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hmm thank you all for your advice, it was very very strange how he said it, directly after i told, which was on msn (his damn phone was off, and i felt like i just needed to get it off my chest) so after i said it on msn he took a minute and then said i never want to see you again and im deleting you off msn and facebook, have a good life... And of course i thought he was joking... until he appeared offline on msn and then i looked on facebook and sure enough he removed me from his friends and then even went as far as to block me from even looking at his page or having it show up in searches.... But i've had a whole day now to think about it (I'm PST btw) and i've talked to a few of my friends and they all tell me that if someone over reacts like that and goes to that extent than thats not someone you want as your friend anyways. And i do realize that because I've had friends come and go throughout my life and i know that the ones that stick around with you through everything are the ones you really need in your life... not the ones that act immature and can't handle their own sexuality and take out their sexual frustration on other people... I'm better than that, and anyone who agrees feel free to PM me and we can be facebook friends! We'll show him!

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I don't think you should be thinking "I'll show him." I think the advice you've been given about reaching out to him in person and trying to explain is the best course of action, because honestly, for someone who has claimed to be supportive of LGBT equal rights, that reaction is just way too extreme to understand. I think you struck a chord with him that he really didn't want struck, and now he's probably confused about something. Don't just shrug it off and think of him as an enemy now.

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  • 3 weeks later...

He has clearly no decided about what he wants or needs in life, you have. You are in a better position that he is. My advise is not to call him. He is totally scared and in fear. He will probably say nasty things that will hurth you... Ill leave it as it is... move on, find someone who is really interested in what you are.....

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Sorry to derail the topic a little back to the original post... and maybe I've lost touch with the youth of today... but how the heck does one casually ask someone if they're gay?

 

 

I said it to half in a half kidding sort of way, I didn't sit him down in an interrogation room with a light on him and ask him.

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  • 4 weeks later...

by the way everyone, I ran into this guy the other day at Starbucks and I was with two somewhat mutual friends of ours (both girls) and as soon as I saw him walking up (I was sitting inside staring out the window with my two friends), I told them we were leaving and then as I was grabbing my stuff and he walked over to us and stood right in my face and said "hey" acting like nothing was wrong (we havn't talked in 5 weeks), and I was so mad so I just grabbed my friend and pulled her with me and walked off. And I just wanted to say that I thought it was good of me not to cause a scene or hit him So yay for me.

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Well it sounds like this guy is gay or bi, and likes you for sure. I guess you can't be 100% sure, but it definitely seems that way. I just think he's scared to admit because of religion or stereotypes or family etc., it which is why he reacted so harshly. Now he doesn't seem to be mad at you anymore. You seem to be over it already which is probably a good thing, cause he still needs lots of time!

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by the way everyone, I ran into this guy the other day at Starbucks and I was with two somewhat mutual friends of ours (both girls) and as soon as I saw him walking up (I was sitting inside staring out the window with my two friends), I told them we were leaving and then as I was grabbing my stuff and he walked over to us and stood right in my face and said "hey" acting like nothing was wrong (we havn't talked in 5 weeks), and I was so mad so I just grabbed my friend and pulled her with me and walked off. And I just wanted to say that I thought it was good of me not to cause a scene or hit him So yay for me.

have you thought of the possibility that when you told him over msn, someone was with him and reading what you two were talking about and he only reacted like that to make them think he was straight? He must still want to be friends or more with you otherwise he wouldn't have started talking to you in the cafe. Maybe you reacted a little harshly over his reaction and didn't think to give him a second chance. He might have wanted to apologise...

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have you thought of the possibility that when you told him over msn, someone was with him and reading what you two were talking about and he only reacted like that to make them think he was straight? He must still want to be friends or more with you otherwise he wouldn't have started talking to you in the cafe. Maybe you reacted a little harshly over his reaction and didn't think to give him a second chance. He might have wanted to apologise...

 

Well if that were the case then I would have expected a phone call or something like the day after he first said he never wanted to talk to me again, and I wouldnt want to be friends with someone who would act completely different all the time, consistency is key! And he should just be glad that he caught me on a good day.

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