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I'm worried about my gf's ex.


hockeymaniac

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Er hi, i'm not very good at opening up but here goes.

 

I've been going out with my girlfriend for eight monthes now. I love her more than anything, and i mean that. Now my gf is not on good terms with her ex. I don't really know what has passed between them but as far as i'm concerned thats between them and not me. he used to be one of my best mates, which makes this all the sadder, really. I only ever cut once, but i sure paid the price for it. I cut my fingers, which are obviously visible the whole time, so it didn't take long for people to see my scars. The ex(who was still going out with her at the time) was the first to see.was never the same after that. After about three or four weeks of fear and being asked to show my hands, things almost got back to normal. My present girlfriend broke up with my 'mate', and we started meeting up and talking. After about a month of this we became a couple. At a recent social, while i was in the bathroom, my girlfriend told me that the ex and a mate of his came up to her and started slagging me off. This culminated with them saying 'why don't you and (my name) go and slit somewhere??'. i was shocked i hadn't even done anything to the mate, and B: because the ex was almost being nice to me. i guess i was very naive to believe that it was all over.

My girlfriend, bless her, has put my cutting in the past, and still looks at me the same. I'm just unsure wot to do about the ex. What should i do?? how should i act?? any advice is very welcome. I'm sorry that this is so long but i've held it inside for too long.

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As a former self-harmer, and still with the scars to show for it, I've found that some people have weird reactions. I had a long term relationship and one of the things I really valued about him was that he knew straight away what my scars were, and never, ever tried to use it in any way against me. Sounds like your girlfriend, actually.

 

Your girlfriend's ex sounds like a first-class, grade A-1 t****r. It sounds as though she is of the same opinion. It also sounds as though he's jealous and bitter about the relationship you two have now.

 

So my advice to you is to do ... nothing! This guy is left with the reality of who he is, eating himself up with spite and negativity. Let him do this all on his own.

 

In the meantime, enjoy your loving and supportive relationship.

 

Remember, people can be strange in their reactions to scars, but this is a reflection of who THEY are, not who you are.

 

Hope this helps!

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just one more thing to nutbrownhare and anyone else out there, why do you think his friend is joining in as well?? i understand that because the whole history i might not be that popular with them but surely he should know when to stay out of things?? and why does SI always come up?? i'm sick of people thinking it dehumanises you.

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just one more thing to nutbrownhare and anyone else out there, why do you think his friend is joining in as well?? i understand that because the whole history i might not be that popular with them but surely he should know when to stay out of things?? and why does SI always come up?? i'm sick of people thinking it dehumanises you.

 

Jerks of a feather flock together.

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I don't really know why am i am posting this, i guess i just want to see people's opinions.

 

I am quite a religious person, especially i think for a teenager. It is this which i believe got me through that tough period at school: belief that someone was watching over me and helping me. I'm a christian by the way. It is because of these beliefs that i now know wot i am going to do. No matter wot my gf's ex says or his mate, i'm going to turn the other cheek and simply try to be nice to him. It is likely that this will be thrown in my face, but at least i will be abel to hold my head up and say that i didn't go down to his level. It is hard forgiving someone for dredging up one of the more painful and fragile periods of your life for no other reason than to hurt you, but i am going to try. conflict would only make the situation worse, i believe. Maybe this is naive, but i think that god has shown me that this is the right way to go.

 

I appreciate anyone's opinion on this. Thank you for reading and making the time for me.

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I think you're right about conflict making the situation worse - if you were to respond in kind it would be satisfying for him, at your expense. In my opinion, the best thing about forgiveness is that you release yourself from negative thoughts. If we go around feeling vengeful and resentful it poisons us in a spiritual sense (your gf's ex and his mate are a good example of this in action - do they really strike you as happy, well-balanced people?) and ensures that we never move on from the unhappy situation. It doesn't sound as though he's got over losing her, and his mate is joining in to please him.

 

As you have very strong spiritual beliefs, it will be much easier for you to put this behind you than it will be for him. You don't have to go out of your way to be nice - that risks being manipulative, and would probably be counter-productive - just carry on living your own life in the best way possible for you.

 

Actually, the advice I'm giving you is much the same as that contained in my signature ...

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