She's messing with my head......

[jonpf]

So, my ex called it off 5 weeks ago, saying that I was too intense and that she still hadn't gotten over her abusive ex and she needed some space....It's been really difficult because until last week, we worked in the same team and from my desk I could see her (fortunately I've moved into another department now). The fact that I could see her for 7.5 hours a day drove me insane and last weekend I ended up getting really drunk and sending a text I really shouldn't have sent. And with good reason she was really pissed off with me....

 

We still have contact at work at the moment, we have a coffee or lunch together sometimes, but she's leaving the company in 3 weeks. And its been hard to do, but I have resisted the temptation to contact her outside of work, yet she still continues to text me, asking me to cheer her up, telling me she's lonely, etc. And today when we were having a coffee, she started stroking my hair and looking at me the way she did when we were together, and then proceeded to say "maybe we could start doing.........", and broke it off at that. Yet all the time she's saying that we can't be together.

 

I want more than anything to give it another try (when she's ready) and don't want her to think that I'm not there for her, yet at the same time, I think she's being unfair on me by asking for my emotional support. It's a case of my hope being built up and then shattered repeatedly, and it's really hurting me and confusing me a great deal.

 

What does she want from me and what should I do about the whole situation?

 

Any advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation would be greatly appreciated!! Thanks

[lenni]

hey jonpf,

 

sorry you're going through this roller coaster ride. yes, i was recently in a similar situation and have been in other times too. by similar i mean being with someone who isn't sure what they want, is wishy-washy, confused. it's hard for sure.

 

i actually think it is a really good thing for you that she is leaving the company in a few weeks. it has to be really having each other right there and going through that in the course of your work day.

 

i think the thing to remember is, if someone is messing with your head, or if you feel like you are a yo-yo because of their conflicted emotions and ambivalence, you are allowing them to mess with your head and allowing yourself to be a yo-yo. what i mean is that you do have some control over whether and for how long you stay in the situation.

 

i don't think it will work out best for either of you if you are her biggest/only support system right now. it sounds like she has some things to sort out, and that she needs to do that on her own or with the support of other friends so that she can get to a good, strong place within herself before being in a relationship. if you are holding her up all the time, it won't be good for either of you and she might even come to resent you. anyway, if you are taking care of her and she is taking care of her, who is taking care of you?

 

it sounds like some time away would be good for you both right now. focus on you. is there any truth to what she said about you being "intense". are/were you too focused on the relationship?

[jonpf]

hi lenni and thanks for your reply

 

everything you say makes complete sense and yeah, her leaving the company is going to be for the best for both of us. when we were together, it was always a bit of an issue for us both working together, we both kinda felt it was taking the shine away from the time we saw each other outside of work. she said to me a couple of weeks ago that 'her friend thought that once she'd left the company, then maybe we could sort things out....'. It's glimpses of hope like this that I'm clinging on to I guess, although my text at the weekend won't have helped matters any!!!

 

was I intense? well yeah, I guess I was in a way, but looking back, alot of that was driven by her intensity. it was a very intense relationship.....we only met 11 months ago, and it was very intense from day 1. we saw each other pretty much every day of the 10 months we were together, and to say the last 11 months have been a whirlwind wouldn't be exaggerating...

 

a lot of things were said bewteen us in that 10 months, and I care about her deeply, as I know she does me. I love her and I don't want her to think that i'm not there for her if she needs me, and at the same time she's really hurting me with all these mixed messages, and herein lies my dilemma

[lenni]

i think it is pretty normal for people who have been in an intense relationship at the start to get to a point where they need to sort of put the focus back on themselves and their lives outside the relationship. so it sounds like the two of you were feeling pretty intense about each other and feeling a strong connection, which isn't a bad thing but then it is also important to maintain your separateness, individuality, friendships, interests outside the relationship too. it's very easy to sort of "lose yourself" in a relationship when you fall for someone hard, and when that serves as sort of a distraction from other things you might be dealing with in life.

 

so maybe right now the best thing that you can do for you AND her AND the two of you together as a couple (if that is to be) is to take some space and focus on regaining your sense of self a bit. and for her too. if you were to be together as a couple, it would probably be best if you were able to have more of a balance in the relationship, right?

 

i mean, can let her know that it isn't that you don't love her and are still hopeful for the two of you, but that it was getting a bit intense, and that you'd like your relationship to be a little more balanced in the long run (as friends or a couple) and that for those reasons you need to take some space? if that is the way you feel, of course.

 

i know i'm making a lot of assumptions here so if it doesn't sound right do say so!

[jonpf]

to be honest, your assumptions are pretty spot on. we did lose ourselves in each other and lost focus on the other things in our lives over that 10 months. we were both in transition periods of our lives when we met and looking back, both of us relied on each other emotionally far too much. over the last 2 months of the relationship, i had learned that i needed to say no to her sometimes and when talking recently, she said that she had wanted to say no at times, but had been worried about upsetting me so didn't, but then had gotten angry with herself for not saying no....

 

it's saying no now that is the hardest thing to do. i know that space is the right thing for us both, yet i miss her so much and as unhealthy as it is, i crave the contact from her. i've got a real heart vs head battle going on!

[FinneganBell]

Hey Buddy, I hate that wishy washy stuff as much as the next guy.

 

You don't have to don't have to try this, but I too have an ex that works on the same property and it seems to have worked for me as i feel way better-

 

If you bump into her just act indifferent to her. let HER ask you to lunch or coffee and make it short, be the first to leave like you have something better to do, even if you don't. I usually have like 20 min left on break and i just say i gotta go make a phone call or some other BS etc.

 

Don't let up, women are intuitive and can tell when you're faking it. If she needs cheering up or tells you she's lonely give her a weak ass hug or friendly tap on the shoulder with a " well hope you feel better.." and take off.

 

She'll probably think " What the hell?" and won't like the way you are acting. DON'T FEEL BAD FOR HER. She's been stringing you along and toying with your head to make herself feel better because deep down she is miserable, you don't have to be miserable with her.