im so angry, im lonely and im fed up with feeling so crap

[lyn71]

hello im new to the site but have come accross this site in a desperate state of mind since yet again another horrendous saturday night out. I apologise in advance if i "go on" a bit but i really do feel i need to get this off my chest. I am an horrendous drunk per say basically. I am 36 years old have not had a boyfriend in years have austracised by most of my friends over the years for my behavior and even fell out with family. I get soooo drunk then i lose the plot, i lash out at anyone and everyone....although ive never been violent thankfully! I dont really like myself that much and as a result have become very depressed over the years. last year i decided to take action and get help for my depression, i joined a gym, got a dog stopped going out on nights out, gave up getting drunk and took up a diploma course in interior design. But to be honest i still feel no better. What doesnt help is that i feel so alone in the world. I have my dog and she is a great help but apart from going to work i never see friends A because most of them no longer want anything to do with me as im considered the dysfunctional friend and B because when anyone does ring or call around or offer to go out i cant bear to be in anyones company....I feel like a freak, i mean who complains they have no friends but then freaks at the thought of spending time with people who do take the time to want to cheer me up...!

 

I am really upset as i went out the other night but once again got stupid drunk, fell over, made a fool of self, kissed random men who i had no interest in and started an argument with some girl who looked at my friend the wrong way (or so i thought in my drunken stupor) im a liabilty.

 

I desperately want to meet a nice boyfriend and calm down as ive had quite a wild life and no longer crave all that drama and madness but every time i go on a date nothing ever comes of it. I dont have trouble getting men i have trouble getting them to see me more than a couple of times...I try to behave and not drink so they cant use that excuse for the "non interest!" i think deep down im not really a very nice person and that must shine through. So god help it if i did meet someone and it did progress to more than a few dates...i would be petrified to have a drink and show my vile side. Like i say most of my friends cant cope with me so its just easier to stay single and keep myself to myself so as not to offend anyone. I have a couple of good friends who have always compensated for my vile drunk side they just kind of accept that thats "just me"...to me they must be real friends to put up with this but i fear the day coming when they turn their back on me too...im already lonely and frightened.

 

gosh im so sorry this is so long and i dont blame anyone for not replying but would apprecaite any advice. Ive tried self help books but to no avail, id really like to see a counseller as i think i need anger managment for help with these drunken episodes but its so pricey and my doc preferred to stick me on anti deps instead.

 

ive read lots of other peoples threads on here and got lots of advice from the replies so far, i actually do feel better knowing im not the only one battling with these kind of problems

 

thanks for reading, lyn](*,)

[bmwm3]

welcome to ENA...

 

i think you got the first step down.. relizing that you have a problem.. now maybe try to understand why you behave like this and work on fixing it..

[Mutley]

You need to eliminate the drink (and other drugs, if any) from your life if you ever even want the hope of a good relationship.

 

It's a very hard road, but well worth it.

 

Good luck.

[bulletproof]

I think that you were on the right track when you gave up drinking, joined the gym, etc., but it will probably take a while before that feeling of loneliness goes away. Think about it, you went along for many years getting too drunk and having wild nights. It might take some time to get comfortable in a new sober life.

 

I know you said counseling is too expensive, but maybe you could find an anger-management group or even go to AA. It sounds like you need some real-life human contact to talk about these problems, not anti-depressants (although you should keep taking them if you feel they are helping your depression even a little).

 

Also, here is a website I recommend to people that want to quit drinking for good: link removed

[dogwood]

why do you say you are lonely, yet you can't bear to be around your friends? it sounds like you need your friends, and friends are the best thing to have when you need support like you do now. it's great that you've cut out the drinking, but maybe your next step should be to try and salvage some of these friendships, or spend more time with the ones who have stuck by you. then you will feel less alone.

[lyn71]

thanks for the replies...i think its more a case of because im depressed i dont really want to interact with others, i feel like my supportive friends have had to put up with so much from me over the years and the unsupportive friends who ive offended at one time or another now just keep me at arms legnth. Because im not like any of my other friends ie/married/got boyfriend/children or busy social lives then im considered a bit of an outcast by most of them. When i was a wild party girl i had lots of friends and was always invited to parties but now im getting older and have decided i no longer want my life that way. I suppose i know now that the party scene was a very false environment given the fact that when i now need the support of friends they are no where to be seen. I suffer with a lot of lack of self esteem issues and thats the reason i avoid a lot of people...i have to be in the mood if that makes sense...some days i wont even answer my phone or open the door to the postman as i just cant face the world. I suppose its all a vicious circle.... i drink to alleviate the low moods but then piss people off when my vile side pops out...which i never know is coming it just arrives and spoils everyones night like a storm so then the next day im filled with more remorse so then vow never to drink again, avoid people because im embarrased then in turn become lonely and even more depressed and so the cycle goes on..... jees i just think im cracking up i really do

[alone215]

what you need is serious help. maybe an inpatient treatment center for drinking and depression. Go to therapy groups..if money is an issue..check out your local churces (aa)..before you begin to do ANYTHING and feel good about ANYTHING..you need to eliminate the drink, and get deep down inside yourself and figure out , what you are so angry about, what you dont like about yourself..try to heal past wounds..confront the people that hurt you, forgive them or try to understand why you feel the way you do

[Indigo-4]

I stumbled upon your post today, well this site today as I was looking for inspiration to radically improve my crap life and read your post and thought jesus that sounds exactly like me.

 

I have drunk my way through the last 15 years and whilst I've held jobs down I haven't been particularly happy at all...boyfriends and friends have critizised my drinking and haven't always stuck around and although I do have friends still it does seem an effort to keep in touch, go and see them at times so that I haven't seen a lot of them recently.

 

Gosh i'm not being all that helpful actually, I just want to say you are not alone and if there's anything I can do...i couldn't find a way to PM you, maybe this site you can't do that.

 

The interior design seems like a way forward but only if you enjoy it, I started making glass jewellery since january and its much fun but the selling of it is a complete and utter nightmare, sitting in cold brick lane sunday mornings in the rain isn't the best way of passing the time!

 

Take care

Mel

[lyn71]

Hi Mel, thanks for your reply, im sorry you sound so fed up and low too. The last reply told me i needed serious help so i felt even worse yesterday... tobe honest it put me off coming on again!!! but anyway here i am, got to think positive, im sure the last message was meant well, im just such a touchy sensitive soul at times!!

 

I feel at such a loss as i like suddenly woke up one day last year and decided i didnt want to be "party girl" anymore, ive completely gone from wild child to borebag!! i cant drink as it makes me nasty and try as i might if i try to just have a couple, i never seem to know when the couple should end and the starting of drinking water should start!! Ive lost so many friends and boyfriends over the years but always gone out and found new ones so never really let it bother me or dealt with the problem face on. its just now im older and not going out as much its not that easy meeting new friends. Ive tried internet dating but the minute a guy shows interest i dont mail him back again...as if im frightened to show my real self.

 

Last year i really got bad at xmas and ended up on anti deps in the new year and whilst i feel no where near as low as i did then i just cant see a way out of this constant battle of "being me" My best mate doesnt believe in depression and just says "cheer up hun" to everything!! I feel like all i ever do is moan and be miserable.

 

What i dont understand is i dont drink very often...i dont depend on drink, dont do it in the house, dont get the shakes all that stuff...i just go out and drink copius amounts now and again to the point that i become like the she devil, i argue with people, get pissed off and cry then stumble a bit and eventually wear myself out and sleep for hours...when i wake up i cannot bear that " * * * * what did i do, who did i piss off this time" feeling....its such a demoralising feeling! So does this mean i have a drink problem as people on here are saying i need to go AA, but isnt that for people who depend on alcohol??

 

Lyn

[bulletproof]

Here's the thing, Lyn- people that don't have a problem with alcohol don't say things like this:

 

"I am really upset as i went out the other night but once again got stupid drunk, fell over, made a fool of self, kissed random men who i had no interest in and started an argument with some girl who looked at my friend the wrong way (or so i thought in my drunken stupor) im a liabilty."

 

"I am an horrendous drunk per say basically."

 

"I get soooo drunk then i lose the plot, i lash out at anyone and everyone"

 

Just because you don't drink at home, get the shakes, etc., doesn't mean that you don't have a problem. It may mean that you are a problem drinker vs. an alcoholic, but the bottom line is that drinking is affecting your life in some way. Further, if you're depressed, drinking is just going to make it worse.

 

I do think you should consider AA or at the least check out that website I suggested. Make an account there (it's the same way you do it here) and read some of the diaries and journals there. You will see some similarities in the behavior you've described, and you might also feel hopeful when you read how they've managed to turn things around.

 

Good luck and I hope you're having a better day.

[onewithbooks]

lyn,

 

Here are my two cents, and this is just my opinion. I think you have real issues you need to sort through. Right now I think those issues are bigger than you are. I don't think its the fact you are drinking that is the issue, its the why do you drink copius amounts at once that is the issue.

 

You seem like someone who wants to make changes. You have seen how the same old routine isnt changing your life. Congrats to you for finishing a degree and making those steps. However even after all that you still say:

 

when anyone does ring or call around or offer to go out i cant bear to be in anyones company....I feel like a freak, i mean who complains they have no friends but then freaks at the thought of spending time with people who do take the time to want to cheer me up...!

 

That my friend is worrisome. Have you thought about talking to someone about this to get to the root of the issues and to work them out? It maybe something to consider.

 

All the very best,

 

owb

[nkorsx]

Well, forgive me for saying this, buy maybe you should try alcoholics anonymous. You sound like drinking is negatively affecting your life. The reason that your life didn't get any better when you stopped drinking is because your addicted to the alcohol and you were in a recovery process, which sometimes can be worse than drinking. Some days being sober can be worse than other days drunk if your recovering from an addiction, however severe the addiction may be.