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Did I push him further away? (complicated situation: LDR, cheating ,ex is dating..age gap)


firewen

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Well, my situation is a little bit complicated. It's LDR (cross countries), big age gap (let's say around 15) and we had big trust issue (I was seeing other for a month when he disappointed me about my poor judgement before I met him, a lots words abuse about my past, and he let his friend to spy on me on internet cuz I lied to him before) which I've tried to make up and he tried to forgive, however he seemes hard to really forgive. Though we both know we are soul mate to each other, despite distance, age and culture background.

 

Long story short, I broke up with him officially 1.5 months ago because he wanted to test the water with other but he didn't sure if he would really date them. I couldn't stand it, so I broke up with him though I still love him very much. I regreted after I broke up but I stayed 2 weeks of NC. But after 3 weeks of breakup, he started to date a women locally. He still said he loves me very much however he couldn't count on me. He is in a new relationship and he wants to see if it can be serious and committed r/s. In the same time, he said I could earn him back if I fight for him, and my faithful and remorse can earn him back. On the other hand, he let me not count on him too, I can go to see other men and date if there is a good guy there.

 

It was too much pain to be in contact while he is dating a new girl. (he also said life without sex for months is too miserable and unbalanced for him) So I decided to start NC and I told him it's better not to contact with him before we both figure out what we really want. I do need focus on myself. Ex was wondering if i have met my exex so i made that decision. I told him it's not about my exex at all. Before I started NC, I told him my exexbf (the one before him) was coming to see me(biz trip), he said it was not his business considering we were already apart and he was dating, but he suggested I don't see exex. After 1.5 weeks of NC, he ims me to ask how was the meeting with exex..I didn't reply immediately and he asked if i had lunch with exex..like that questions...i asked what kind of quesitons he asked. He said it's the question he wants to know the answer. Well, I respond that i'm not going to asnwer him any quesiton like that, it doesn't do either of us any favour. Then he logged off immediately.

 

Frankly, I've felt much better than before after I started NC, I don't know if I want him back or not currently cuz if the problems we can't solve, then it's hard to reconcilation, but my question is that if my answer will push him further away? Because I know his big concern for me is if I'm faithful to him, he worries if I have any physical tough with exex or other guys. But considering he is dating other, and he already claimed I shouldn't count on him either, I just feel I don't have obligation to asnwer him any sort of question like that. Though I already know I'm not ready for any realtionsip with anyone, even with exex who I loved before. I dont want any rebound guy and I think I can heal by myself.

 

I know I haven't given up on him, othewise I wouldn't have that question. I'll appreciate suggestions from any friend here.

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hi ready2heal,

 

thanks for your reply...

 

Since we've broken up, so it's ok for him to date others since he doesn't want to count on me. As he said, I can also date others but if I want to earn him back, I shouldn't have any physical touch with other men, or I should let him know if I've any. Meanwhile, he sent some mixed signs, saying i can date but also worries if I will have sex with others...

 

My concern is if my answer to him will really push him away because our issue is trust.

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certainly it's not. however based I was seeing other while we were in relationship and he got deeply hurt by it....though I apologized and be honest to him for everything. He always felt I was defensive when he challenged my pattern...like when he was trying to approach other women, I broke up with him...not gave him space or time to heal by his own way. Frankly, I don't think my asnwer and decision to start NC is wrong, but I also concern if it seems defensive to his question...(I didn't ask him why he asked me that kind of questions..but I could feel it's not just check if I was getting along with the exex when we meet)

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I'm alone now, because I do want to have time for myself to figure out and focus on myself. I'm not crying everyday and depressed a lots now. And I don't want to jump into another rebound relationship to heal myself or get over him.

 

He sent me the signals like he hasn't totally rulled me out of his life and hasn't decided if there is no fugure for us anymore. But he does want to see if the new relationship can work out or he will figure out i'm more important. (however, I can't forget another reason for him to be staying in the new r/s cuz of sex)

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You deserve all the time you need to heal. He deserves all the time he needs to be with another woman. If you wait for him then you aren't healing.

 

I agree with you.

 

But did I totally close the door to him by my last answer? confused....

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