Help

[mman542]

I think the last time we spoke was roughly a year ago - but I wanted to know if you would still care to talk.

 

I hardly know you, but I'm going to open up and talk to you about things that I can't trust my own family with.

 

I come from a family which is now divorced, my Mom and Dad have boyfriends and girlfriends - my parents are straight. They have shown little repspect or care towards me which has really angered me. They treat me like , letting me know I have to babysit four six hours because they want to go out for dinner or something.

 

After I met my Dads girlfriend for the first time, he told us he and she were going to to rent a house and live together. I was ready to punch him but I've been sucking things up, and it's causing some problems.

 

It's been said that I have an anger problem, and cannot manage my anger which leads to depression. I don't know if it's true, but I sure am angry as hell most of the time. Because honestly? I cannot say I love my parents. I know most people say these things when they're angry, but I'm serious. They show little repspect, and claim they don't see enough of my. But when I go to one of their houses, I'm put to work and yelled at.

 

My family, father in particular was very abusive.

 

The first time I was really abused was when I was four years old.

 

We were invited to a neighbors party, and I wasn't fully potty-trained. I was at the part when I had an accident. On our way home, my father punched me very hard.

 

Another time, my parents were in a very large fight. One of the worse. My Dad picked me up and carried me in the garage. They were screaming at each other, my mother demmaning him to put me down. I was either three or four. He finally let me done, and I went with my mother. My Dad drove off.

 

I was usually grabbed, screamed in the face and thrown to the ground or onto my bed. On a few occaisons I was slapped very hard accross the face by my mother.

 

One night things were really bad, and I my dad and mom had an enourmous fight. I was probably hit a few times, so my mom, sister and me went into the car and drove away. We talked about never wanting to go back again.

 

Another thing was when I was eight years old. I'd listen to my parents fight for what seemed like hours. I remember I'd have dreams and think about them killing each other with knives, and walking downstairs seeing blood all over the ground.

 

So here I am a few years later, and still in bad place. I have been drinking a little, and tried smoking some weird things with a friend. I also remember when I would come home, I'd stand in my kitchen with a large sharp knife on my wrist

 

I have done too many dumb things, and I needed to talk.

 

If you do read this - thanks.

 

Mman aka Prankster

[neva_black_n_white]

within your post, im trying to understand if your venting or looking for advice on depression and anger?

 

i believe that your depression and anger will have come from these abusive memories, its annoying how we cant put memories aside that are evil and thoughtless moments yet we can never remember the good, you say that you get angry very easily would this be when your provoked or thinking too much? have you thought of seeing a councilor (im assuming your still young or at least a teenager due to you saying that you have tried drinking and smoking with a few friends) what im trying to say is, despte your age, its best to get help as soon as possible, i know my friends have gone through counciling, yes they dig deep and as you say n her, make you talk about things you wouldnt with others, but in the long run it does help.

 

i feel very sorry for you with what happened to you as a child, have you seen your father since you drove away from him?

 

coming home and walking in the kitchen to pick up a knife, isnt too much of a gd idea, but im assuming at that very moment you scream out alot of emotions that your keeping in.

 

have you thought about doing different activities to keep your mind of off these aspects?

 

if you need to talk, ill listen.

kel

[mman542]

Yes, I have seen him. We didn't leave totally, we came back a few hours later. I'm not sure what I'm asking for, I just need to talk about somethings. I really don't like talking, but I have been able to post things like this.

 

So, whatever you think could help I guess I'll try.

 

Prankster

[neva_black_n_white]

one question before i start why is it that your called prankster, i know it sounds stupid but its difficult to respond without understanding why that name is particularaly enphasised.

 

what is it that makes talking difficult? is it the realisation of what your talking about, that brings up things that youd rather not mention, thereforeeee digging you into a whole of not being able to communicate?

 

or is it that you dont feel free to talk to people.

 

maybe because of judgement?

 

im just trying to understand how you feel, and why you avoid the aspect of speaking.

 

when you said you'll try things that i mention, do you mean ideas for you to take your mind of things? because then i can respond to that, only it wasnt clear as to what you were putting.

 

kel

[Rossiya]

Honestly I know the feeling of wanting to kill your parents, run away, kill yourself, and personally nothing gets better by doing drugs or drinking or committing suicide, it just makes the problems worse and your depression deeping. I know a few people who have committed suicide and it made nothing better, just making life hard for their friends, and family. It's hard enough to hear about peoples problems but I hope by telling you some helpful things you will reconsider everything you think about doing.

The hardest thing is to love someone who is so angry and full of hate, I.E. your mom, dad or whoever else you strongly dislike. If you can get past viewing them as abusive @$$*Y!&%'s you can prevent yourself from becoming "emeshed" within their anger(as in not letting them hook(anger) you). Just by doing simple things, it may sound corny, but saying to your dad "Dad when you scream at me, I feel like $#!+ and I want to kill myself" maybe he will take you seriously and possibly for a moment understand your situation. You could talk with other family members about moving in with them? Maybe a grandparent, your godfather/mother. Also try to find a psychologist or schedule a doctors appointment and talk to him about how your feeling. I.E. Depression, suicide. I strongly suggest trying to find people who dont use because it will be easier to build friendships without drugs and you will be able to express how you feel without getting trashed to make yourself feel better... I hope this is helpful and gives you some good insight, Good luck, I hope everything gets better.