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Starting Over In a Relationship - B...
Starting Over In a Relationship - Beginners Guide

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Hi all. This forum has given me a lot of comfort over the past weeks and I'm hoping for some advice.

 

She broke up with me about 4 weeks ago. We were together for four years. The last 4 months of the relationship were hard because it was long distance so we only saw each other on weekends.

 

During those 4 months, we began getting into arguments about little things. We were both going through a lot of stress job-wise.

 

4 weeks ago she says we should break up because she can't do the long distance thing anymore. She also said I had become too depressed recently.

 

In the first 2 weeks, I called her up twice crying and asking for closure but I got the same answers. She said I shouldn't wait for her, but when i asked if there was any hope, she said it was just too soon.

 

Then 3 weeks after the break up I found out that she was seeing another guy from her office and they had been going out for at least a couple weeks before we broke up. Of course I freaked out and thought I would never get her back. I called her crying and begged for a 2nd chance. I did everything I wasn't supposed to do.

 

A few days later, I sent her an email saying that I didn't think we could be friends because it was too painful for me to know she was with someone else. And then I wished her luck in the new relationship. A few hours after the email, I get a call from her and she's crying for the first time since the split. I kept my cool and told her we both needed to focus on ourselves. She said she misses me and hopes that I will someday forgive her for lying.

 

The days after that email were a roller coaster. Sometimes I felt like I could move on w/o her, then I would get angry that she's with another man and she lied about it, then I would miss her so much that I couldn’t stop crying.

 

I went complete NC after the email and I have been doing better now. I have started going out and trying new things and my outlook on life has improved a lot. I know NC is for me and I am trying to move on, but I still want her back. I'm afraid NC won’t affect her at all because she’s got the rebound now. Should I keep the lines of communication open with just a short message?

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NC all the way! you will be torturing yourself if you communicate with her now that she's on the rebound. just keep reminding yourself there is NOTHING you can do or say to win her back. you cannot control her feelings. if it's any incentive, don't contact her at all because she will miss you more if you don't. in the meantime, focus your other "relationships' you have - with friends, family, etc. they will be your support and distraction from your ex, and the more time passes without you focusing on her, the better you will feel.

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i_win: I have to admit that I wasn't the best boyfriend over the last 4 months. She had asked me to move in with her several times and I kept putting it off. I told her I wanted to get a job in her area first. I have always had trouble committing to things and now i realize that I was just avoiding making a decision. I've resolved to change this.

 

I should also add that a couple weeks before the split, she asked me if we would ever get married. Again, I was an idiot and said "I don't know." Just because I didn't want to commit to anything. The truth was that I always envisioned a future together and I took it for granted that we would be together forever.

 

I am not a very social person and I haven't made any real friends since I moved here. My time away from work was spent with her at her place (2 hours from here). I literally built my life around her and that probably didn't help the relationship. My closest friends are about 500 miles away and my family lives even farther away. That's what makes this NC so hard. The only people I know nearby are her parents who like me, but they can't help me through this.

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I'm thinking if I don't give in and be friends with her then I will never see her again. She won't get lonely cause she has this new guy. Surely, my odds have to be better if I see her and she can see how much I've changed?

 

Also, do office romances typically work out or not?

 

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

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I've been in a similar situation and in some ways still am. I basically had to pick up the pieces and start a new life without my gf and in a new city with little to no friends and zero family around. It's difficult but it forced me to be more social and get out of my shell and I feel like I have built more character as a person. It took some personal strength I didn't know I had to see myself through the situation. It sucked, but I also know more about what I'm capable of now.

 

I really don't think you should contact her. She is in a new relationship now and contacting her will just push her away or she'll lean on you emotionally and use you in that regard while going forward in a new relationship with her new guy.

 

And office romances can work out, but I've also seen them blow up in flames and it creates a really awkward work environment. Plus if they see eachother all day at work and outside of work...you could get sick of that person.

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I can't believe her feelings for me are gone. We went through rough periods before, even periods of long distance during which we would talk on the phone everyday. I hadn't gone a day in four years without talking to her. How could she not miss any of it? We were even planning a trip to Europe together next month. It just seems so unreal.

 

I have to believe that part of her still loves me. If she doesn't call me in the next 2 weeks, I don't know what I'll do.

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Definitely, 100 per cent, without doubt, do not instigate any communications yourself at this point. If you do, you'll just be allowing her to stay with the new guy and use you as a safety net while you are just remaining hopeful.

 

Better to walk away at this point and see if she follows.

 

All the best to you.

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i know what you're saying is right. But if she doesn't follow, then I've not only lost the relationship but I've also lost a friend. My best friend.

 

but you already lost your relationship.. but now your about to lose something even larger.. yourself.. your going to lose your self-respect and dignity..

 

You need to take control of the sitation and tell yourself i will not let her use me for emotional support if she will not give me what i need in turn..

 

be strong...

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Ok I got an idea and I'd like your opinions on it:

 

I am going to wait another week and then I will send her a short email. In this email, I will forgive her for lying to me and I will say it's ok because I've lied to her too.

 

(I was a smoker when we met and she begged me to quit. I tried to quit but then became a secret smoker and this caused tension b/c of the deceit involved. Don't worry, I've quit.)

 

If she responds by asking me what I lied about, it will mean she still has some interest/concern for me. Then I could respond with "It doesn't matter anymore, it's all water under the bridge. I just wanted to say there are no hard feelings on my part." Her response to this could confirm if she still has feelings for me. And if she doesn't respond, well then I know she's forgotten about me.

 

As I'm writing this, I know everyone will say to keep up the NC and part of me thinks that's right. But there are three reasons why I think NC isn't that great for our situation:

 

1. The rebound is there to pick up the slack.

 

2.The fact that the last 4 months of our relationship were long-distance. When I saw her on weekends, I was tired and bummed out from work and didn't want to do much. But during the week, we talked on the phone every day for hours. If I do NC, she may only think back to our recent lousy weekend get togethers. If I do LC, maybe she will open up to me on the phone and remember that good aspect of the last 4 months.

 

3. When we used to argue, my way of dealing with it was to just walk away. I would go for a walk until I cooled down. She hated that and always wanted to talk it out. If I do complete NC, she will assume I am still bitter and pouting. She will say "oh he is just being his old stubborn self," and she will be expecting me to call when I've "cooled off" and want to be friends.

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I think staying in her life is going to backfire on you

 

especially since she choosed another guy over you

 

maybe you should do nc for awhile and then do LC

 

maybe give her time to miss you

 

you should read the rebound reverse psyschology thread

 

the best to get over someone is going out and dating........I'm serious

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Listen to yourself.. you want to email her a message saying i forgive you for lying..

 

what your doin by saying that is.. " I am pathetic and desprate and want you back and will accept anything you do because i am that pathetic and desperate"

 

stand up for yourself and walk away with your head held high.. like i said b4 is she wants to be with you, she WILL find you .. i promise you that..

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you're right. i need to get control of myself.

 

good luck man.. im going through the same thing.. we will be ok some day i promise.. dont worry about your ex.. there is nothing you can do or say to bring them back.. if they want to reconsile they will find you.. remember that..

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No, do not contact her. If she can't handle a few months of a down period in a relationship and that has her running to another man then she is not a good bet for marriage. Relationships are not always hunky dory...when it is true love you weather the storms, you don't just go running off to a new person. Stay away from her and get on with your life. Do not contact her at all. Do not make excuses for her behaviour. Perhaps you were no angel, but the proper way to do things is to talk about it with your partner, not cheat on your partner. She chose to cheat rather than to be honest with you.

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