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jamiec3

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My and my bf have been dating for a while and now live together. At first like all relationships it was great "big surprise I know" I have found myself being held back. I still want to go out with my girls and have fun. Im still young and want to find who I am. He has had time to find out who he is, but I feel as if he expects me to completely slow down. and he has always mentioned that he only has so many grains of sand in his hour glass and that he isnt getting any younger, which always leads to a talk and him saying he would rather find out now about us then later. I feel like he is expecting it to fail, or is trying to test me and see what I would do. He had me meet his family early along with his friends to see what would happen...??? and if I would get along with them. But then again he never brings girls around his fmaily or friends unless he is serious. He has only had 3 girls me being number 3 live with him. His first wife and an ex fiance. He is now 35 by the way. I feel as if I can sense some doubt in him and have asked him before if he regrets anything with me and he responded with "no not at all, I plan to marry you one of these day" he even told his g-ma and parents that. but then why with all the tests. I feel as if he is trying to change me into the girl he wants, but what he wants me to be everytime I try to do what he asks it always seems to be at the wrong time wrong place. Now im frustrated with are relationship and am starting to look back at my old flings I had and I will say that I am starting to miss them. dont get me wrong I love my guy and would never cheat on him. but I feel is starting to separate from eachother, like a wall is coming betwen us. He says with time it will get easier but everytime I try to be a better gf on stuff that he wants me to do it only backfires. A part of me wants to be with him but a part wants to be with my old fling. I dont know if this is what I want anymore. he says he wants me forever but then in the same breath he doesnt seem sure. His doubt is now creating doubt in me with our relationship, I have tried talking to him about it but nothing helps.

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How old are you compared to him? Are you a lot younger?

 

And to say he has 'only' lived with 3 other woman says a lot. People do date a lot of people, but if he is willing to live with women than not marry them, it could be that either he doesn't really want to get married (though he pretends to), or else he tends to idealize a woman at first, then try to turn her into something else he wants as time goes on.

 

When it comes to marrying someone, what you see is what you get. In other words, no one should try to change anyone else, since change comes from within, not another source. So if you're not what he wants, and don't want to be what he wants, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

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How old are you compared to him? Are you a lot younger?

 

And to say he has 'only' lived with 3 other woman says a lot. People do date a lot of people, but if he is willing to live with women than not marry them, it could be that either he doesn't really want to get married (though he pretends to), or else he tends to idealize a woman at first, then try to turn her into something else he wants as time goes on.

 

When it comes to marrying someone, what you see is what you get. In other words, no one should try to change anyone else, since change comes from within, not another source. So if you're not what he wants, and don't want to be what he wants, then perhaps you are not right for each other.

 

I almost asked him that. I wanted t osay am I not the girl you want or if nothing chnages with me will you be happy with who I am. Im happy with our relationship but he seems not to be. its as if he is trying to settle down before he gets to old. He doesnt want kids nor do I so I know its not a matter of that. At times I wonder if I am the closest thing to what he wants but would like to train me a little bit. He always contradicts himself on what he wants. I swear he needs to figure out himself and what he wants first before trying to confuss me and frustrate me. ](*,)

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'I am the closest thing to what he wants but would like to train me a little bit.'

 

Honey, you aren't a dog, you're a grown woman, so he shouldn't be trying to 'train' you to be anything. He should love you as you are, and work with you to negotiate a life you are both happy with. But if he is always trying to 'mold' you into someone you are not or into his perfect woman, that is a big red flag that he is very selfish and doesn't want to accommodate you or have YOU be happy.

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'I am the closest thing to what he wants but would like to train me a little bit.'

 

Honey, you aren't a dog, you're a grown woman, so he shouldn't be trying to 'train' you to be anything. He should love you as you are, and work with you to negotiate a life you are both happy with. But if he is always trying to 'mold' you into someone you are not or into his perfect woman, that is a big red flag that he is very selfish and doesn't want to accommodate you or have YOU be happy.

 

I agree with what you say, I dont know if I am over thinking it or what. I want to make it work but at the same time I dont want a relationship like this and would rather end it now then continue with it hoping that it will get easier. He says he wants to marry me but at times I would rather be away from him and with my old fling. I feel guilty for that but there are things in our relationship that my needs are not met on. All the needs that he wants I try to fulfill but he doesnt try to fulfill mine.

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I feel like I need a break from him or just need some personal time to myself. He will go out with the guys 2-4 times a month, but he isnt really ok with me going out so I never go out anymore. I have to work occasional saturdays and when I do he always makes sure he is with his guys. It seems like he is allowed to go out but im not. I always try to be supportive and encourage him to go out but he is never supportive of me and my own time. I think I want a break from him cause Im not happy anymore. But the hard thing is that I live with him.

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