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Hi, this is my first post on this forum. Ok I need some advice on my relationship, I am in a relationship with this girl and we have a long history. We have broken up and gotten back together 3 times. The first time we got together I was in college in Florida she was in New Jersey, I met her through a friend and went to see her on a vacation I had.

We hit off pretty quickly we were going out for about 2 months and then she called it quits because the long distance of me in Florida and her in jersey was to much for her. So she left for that reason. Now I live in new york I came back home after I graduated.

Me and her stood in contact and were friends, so then about a year later we got together again, this time I thought for sure things would work out because even though I'm in new york and her in new jersey I am allot closer than before and can see her anytime.

So we were going out again for 2 months and then out of no where she stops talking to me no calls, no texts on the phone, nothing. So then I have to find out from her friend that she left because she wasn't ready for a serious relationship at that point and didn't know how to tell me that.

I was crushed because I saw her just a day before and everything was fine she was telling me I love you and all these things. Then for her to leave like that pissed me off to say the least.

So again we stood in contact after a few months went by and I cooled down. She's in college for nursing and I'm joining the NYPD. So then this month she texted me saying will you be my boyfriend?

I was surprised because before I was the one initiating everything so I said yes whether it was a dumb move on my part I guess so but I love this girl.

So we're almost a month in this time again and there are 2 things that upset me about her, one she never calls and when I call I always get her voice mail, I don't understand whats so hard about calling me back or calling to see how I'm doing, she says she loves me and so on but cant call? She says its because I call when shes asleep or busy?

Before we got back together she would call me and pick up when I called but now nothing.

I know shes in college and it can get hectic to go to school and maintain a relationship but people do it all the time, you just gotta make time.

Two when we make plans she always cancels and comes out saying shes sick or busy with school work and other things. This one really upsets me because she comes out complaining I don't see her enough but its not my fault I try to see her and she cancels. But yet for her friends she goes out with them no problem.

Earlier this month I stood at my friends house for the weekend, I was in jersey 3 days and shes only 10 minutes away from his house. So on that Friday she came and stood for only 1 hour she was supposed to sleep over but said she was sick and left, but she promised she was gonna come Saturday and stay over and spend time with me. So Saturday comes and she comes with her friend and stood for 30 minutes and left, she didn't hold my hand like the other day, kiss me or nothing because her friend was there. So I was upset and then Sunday she promised again she was gonna come and spend time with me and again 30 minutes and left.

So what should I do? I need some help here guys, I love this girl and she says the same but her actions don't say it. I don't know what to do.

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Welcome to eNotAlone.

 

Even if she is busy when you call she can still call you back.

 

But flaking on dates is unacceptable and shows she only wants you when she has nothing better to do. I would leave her and find someone who understands what a relationship is about. She may promise to do better and you may decide to give her another chance but that would be your decision at the time.

 

But if you tell her that you are going to break-up with her - make sure you follow through if she doesn't promise to change her behaviour.

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I concur.

 

There is a slight chance she doesn't mean to hurt you and she is just caught up in school and other things. Just make sure next time to tell her how this makes you feel, flat out, and if she doesn't care, or doesn't respect your need to communicate while you are separated by such a large distance you should really consider if this relationship really means a lot to you. Are you in it because you are afraid of being alone, or does she have that special something?

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Maybe if you don't want to go to that extreme yet of severing the ties, you can send her an email (or call her- if she'll answer) and be straight up with her that you aren't getting your needs met in the relationship the way it's going currently and specifically tell her about what bothers you in a non-threatening, non-confrontational way such as:

 

"I care about you so much and it hurts me when I feel that you're avoiding me or not making me a priority in your life. I know you're busy and I don't want to be demanding of your time and add unwanted stress onto you but I need more from this relationship than what you've been offering me."

 

Something like that anyway. And then you can tell her that you'd like for her to think about the subject and then get back to you to let you know if she's willing to put more effort into keeping the relationship together or not.

 

This way, you're not pressuring her which might make her stand off even more given that she was a bit commitment phobic in the past and she'll know where you stand. Life is too short to spend it in a relationship that you're not happy in. Give her the chance to put a little more of herself into it and if she's unable or unwilling to do that, at least you'll know where you stand and from there can decide if you want to continue.

 

Good luck!

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Well I read your advice and I told her how I felt, and said if she didn't want to be in this relationship she could just leave, but she told no she wants to be with me and loves me, its just she's been busy. So that's where I'm at, she still doesn't call but text's me. So I'm hoping things will change if she cares about me like she says than they will, if not Ill move on.

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Well I read your advice and I told her how I felt, and said if she didn't want to be in this relationship she could just leave, but she told no she wants to be with me and loves me, its just she's been busy. So that's where I'm at, she still doesn't call but text's me. So I'm hoping things will change if she cares about me like she says than they will, if not Ill move on.

 

People always find the time to do the things they really want to do. She manages to find the time to go out with her friends, right? Yet she blows you off all the time.

 

You already told her you had a problem with the way she communicates and she responds by continually sending you text messages instead of calling. I can only speak for myself here but a text relationship doesn't do it for me.

 

At the least, I'd suspect she is immature. At the most, I'd suspect another guy was in the picture. I personally would move on, but if you want to make it work I think you need to have another talk with her and establish some boundaries and what will and won't work for you in this relationship. Instead of asking her to change, tell her what she can do that is frustrating you, what has been bothering you and vice versa.

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I would say she's immature I don't think there's another guy, of course I can't be 100% positive but if there was, she would have broken up with me already, she did that before. I just think she's being immature and if she doesn't want to change for sake of caring about this relationship than she isn't worth it.

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