Partner's Abusive Kid

[Dioufy]

Hello, I am not quite sure if this is in the wrong place so apologies if it is.

 

I have a problem with my girlfriend's handling of her daughter (she's thirteen). Ever since the daughter's mum (my partner) and her dad have broke up she has solely blamed her mum for that even though it wasn't entirely her fault. I had no part in the break up but her break up was as recent as a few months ago. Regardless of what people think too, I am not a rebound and we are very much in love.

 

Here's the problem though. Her daughter lives with her dad in the marital house and my girlfriend lives with her mum, and this will continue until their house is sold. However, when their mum goes around to the house to look after one of their other kids (he is eight) she is vile and horrid to them both. After this had happened for a few weeks (because their mum used to go around there after school to see them until her ex got back at around 5pm) she had decided to take her youngest to her mums after school to save them both the hassle of taking such horrific, unnecessary and unjustified abuse (and she is obviously being bought everything she desires from her father, so it's like her behaviour is being encouraged, if not directly by him - he's blind to the fact she's like this even when people have told him). However after a few days from not seeing her my girlfriend tried to try to explain things to her again but it was exactly the same (horrific name-calling or just sheer ignorance when people are trying to explain things). My girlfriend then wrote her a detailed letter telling her why their marriage had broken up and that she still cared for her and so forth. But yet this letter got ripped up.

 

I have since adviced her to leave the daughter alone until she is ready to accept what has happened. I feel that if things keep getting pushed then it will only have a detrimental affect on their long-term relationship, and believe it or not, that's the last thing I want.

 

Is that the right advice?

 

I also want my girlfriend to implement a tolerance level with her kids because it hurts when I hear (we are in a long-distance relationship in England) that her daughter has showed horrific levels of abuse and I see no deterrent towards it. I think them having time apart will help instead of pushing it (if a week, two or longer). I really don't know what to do because I can feel it having an adverse affect on my relationship with her mother and that scares me because I love her so much. But how can I sit there and see them walking all over her. Quite clearly, her daughter thinks the world revolves around her because her dad is buying her off, and her mum is walking on egg-shells around her (I think). I mean even advice I could give to her would be welcomed because I really don't know what to do anymore. I have even thought about butting out full stop but I don't think I can sit-back and watch this continue.

 

It's not right that kids just dictate to their parents, no matter what the circumstances, and I believe that. Because when me and my girlfriend do move in together (which we have talked about) then I don't wanna be undermined by her kids because she has no spine with them. I am worried that will happen.

 

Thanks for all the advice and thoughts you can offer me.

 

 

[diamonddog]

Here is my sumation:

1. Daughter may be being brainwashed by Father

2. Daughter may not accept her mother with anyone else but the Father (Family)

3. Your GF may have differculty implimenting guideline and sticking to them herself. You may find it's easier to keep the peace and win her over by spoiling.

 

 

Just a question, do you have any of your own sibblings????

 

I think your partner is going to need your support, before she needs your advice. She will need to make up her own decisions and you WILL need to support them. Buy the way, you won't agree with most of them, but bite your tongue. Trust me on tha one.

 

Ideal world I would Agree with you

Real WOrld: You are going to be frustrated.

 

Good luck mate.

[lady00]

It sounds like her child's acting out is her way of dealing with (or better put, not dealing with the divorce). Perhaps she also feels like her mom has abandoned her. Not saying it's rational, just speculating as to why she is acting this way. Has the child seen anyone about this?

[BeStrongBeHappy]

This is why is is usually best for people who have just broken up not to have serious romantic relationships. Divorces are always messy and miserable, and she as the mother needs to be focusing on finishing the divorce and trying to heal the anger and pain and betrayal the kids feel rather than focusing on a new boyfriend.

 

So my advice to you would be to back off and not interfere and let her deal with it. Her best bet if her daughter is enraged is to take the kids into family counseling with her to help get past that. There is no room for you in the equation right now as this is about the breakup of a family that you are not a part of, and your presense will only add fuel to the fire.

 

I also think you should have more empathy towards a teenaged daughter that has been devastated by a divorce. Yes, you love her mother, but this girl's world has just exploded, and teenagers have enough problems dealing with emotions and hormones as it is. You want her to 'behave' so as not to interfere with your own relationship with her mother, but honestly, this girl's relationship with her mother (and repairing it) is more important than your own right now.

 

So you can be supportive of the mother, but lay off cricizing the daugther or trying to put more thoughts that the daugther is 'bad' or 'wrong' into the mother's head. You should encourage her to get professional family counseling to deal with it, and stay out of it until the divorce settles and some time has passed. The daugther will hate you forever if you try to convince her mother she is 'bad' when the child is obviously in terrible pain and rage to the divorce, which is quite normal at this stage of a divorce.

[itsallgrand]

I think you should butt out. Honest to god.

 

If you have a problem with your gf and her behavior regarding you, or her general behavior/character/spine or lack thereof......deal with that partner to partner, and keep it within what is actually your business. Your business is how she treats you, the future together and how her actions either further that or stunt it.

 

Heck, you could be upfront and tell her your concerns. That you are concerned, and with legit reasons!! it sounds like...for what life and your relationship will be like when you move in together.

 

You have a legit reason to be concerned too about how she'll handle maintaining boundaries regarding her daughter as well, and the sort of relationship the two of you may have in the future (if all goes) ...because she hasn't told you to buzz out of it yet?? And is sharing all this info about her daughter to you...I don't feel that is right behavior towards her daughter at all.

 

It's one thing to vent to a partner about stuff, another to unload and it becomes a bashing session about your own loved ones?! She needs to know what to share and what is hers to bear, as well.

 

Sorry, maybe this isn't what you want to hear and not everyone will agree.

 

However, I feel her daughter has every right to be pissed off and behavior badly for a while.....and her mom needs to deal with that. Not you. The daughter has a responsibility to learn to communicate and act more responsible, but keep in mind, she's 13 and is still learning some things, and her life has been turned upside down.

 

The grown ups have no excuse. Her mom is her mom. It's her job to stick it out and show her daughter.....through actions, not words and a few letters.....that she is still there for her , and a little bad behavior isn't going to send her flying to the hills. It'll take the girl some time to see whether there is truth to it or not, whether she can trust her mom again (many kids feel betrayed, reasonable or not, when parents break up and one leaves, especially if they get a new partner FAST).

 

Try to think of things beyond just yourself...and your gf...not accusing you of being unkind or selfish....but just a reminder of the bigger works here...and you aren't even there to see it all, nor are part of all this - so don't forget that.

 

Support your gf but also don't be afraid to tell her when enough is enough, and what is important to you and the future of this relationship. You have said you genuinely have the daughter's/mom's relationship at heart here....so show it with strong boundaries and by not getting overly involved. Let them at each other to figure it out.

[lady00]

I have since adviced her to leave the daughter alone until she is ready to accept what has happened. I feel that if things keep getting pushed then it will only have a detrimental affect on their long-term relationship, and believe it or not, that's the last thing I want.

 

Is that the right advice?

 

I really don't think that's a good idea. They are mother and daughter. I don't see the value in having a "break" from each other. Her mother needs to be there for her. I agree with BeStrongBeHappy that she needs to seriously consider counseling. You need to understand what is going on here and that her child is responding to having her world turned upside down by divorce and having no semblance of a break before her mom moved out and got into a new relationship.

 

On a sidenote, I think it's kind of premature to be discussing moving in together and worrying about the problems that might bring...I mean, it's only been a few months since she and her ex broke up so you two have been together for a few months? I think there are more pressing issues she needs to deal with before thinking about a future with you.

[Dioufy]

BeStrongBeHappy - Right, let me get this right. This isn't some family daughter who is all of a sudden heart-broken about her family being broke up. She is after all she can get, and yes, that does sound harsh but the truth is, she's that type of girl. And the only reason she hasn't taken her mother's side is because her mum can't offer her anything financially. That's not an opinion, that's a fact. Sorry if it sounds harsh but it's the God's honest truth.

 

I am not heavily involved. Me and her mum see each other every 3/4 weeks so that I don't get too involved and that she can have time with her kids without the added pressure of me. Even with us making the sacrifices for predominately the kids, the daughter is still vile - I don't mean just a few names being called - I mean horrifically vile. Enough to stop her mum (who does love her very much) to not want to be in the same house as her.

 

lady00 - Yes, you're probably right about her not wanting me to be in her mum's life, but that's something we can't help. I am not there a lot and she hasn't seen me yet because I don't think it's right. Her mum has bent over backwards to make this as easy as possible for her but she has literally thrown it back in her face. Horrible girl. Again, may sound harsh, but it's the truth regardless of her breaking up with her dad because by all accounts, she was like this to a lesser degree when they were together. It's obvious she has took her dad's side. And only because it financially benefits her.

 

diamonddog - Your three points are spot on. And no, I have no siblings but like I have said before - this isn't a normal girl. This is a horrendously disrespectful girl. And she hasn't seen a professional even though he mum has got her booklets for it. Don't get her wrong, my girlfriend is a very good mum and she loves her kids a lot but she has no idea how to broach the subject with her - she has tried talking to her, she has tried getting her to speak to someone and she has tried writing her a letter - all of which were fruitless. I believe it's now time to let her be for a few weeks and see if she comes around. I am not being selfish, I am trying to do what's best for her and her kids.

 

Thanks.

[lady00]

Sorry, but if you only take a negative view of your gf's daughter and how horrible she is, you will lose in the end. It's her daughter and if she is a good mom, if there is some conflict that she can't resolve and she ends up feeling like she has to choose, she will choose her kid. That's the danger here for you. That's why I think you need to be a bit more empathetic as other posters have said and not try to play a role in resolving this. It's really up to her mom to figure out what she needs to do as a parent.

[Dioufy]

She feels the same - I can't explain properly about her but her behaviour is unnecessary, unjustified and no right. Yes, her other kids have been hurt by this but she has talked to them and explained what's what. They are now alright - it's just this girl who has a blinkered view and won't accept common sense and logic.

 

I would never expect her to choose - her kids come first. Fact.

[lady00]

Some children need more than a few months to get over a divorce. Yes, the daughter may be a particularly difficult child and perhaps she was spoiled even before the divorce, but I still think that her heightened acting out is probably related to the divorce and she should probably talk to someone about it (like a therapist) before her behavior gets even more out of hand. But I think you need to try to stop thinking of her as "horrible." She's just a kid. I think if her mom thinks of her that way too, that's an even bigger problem because it's just vilifying the child without dealing with the behavioral issue that is causing everyone (including the daughter) so much grief.

[Dioufy]

It's so hard to deal with the situation when she won't speak to her. She has even got her mum to try but that was useless, so she left pamphlets out for her in her home, but they haven't been touched. Her dad has bought her off and is lying to her about her mum (we have proof of this). She's taken her dad's side and as far as she is concerned, nothing else matters. Can't even get close to her nevermind actually explain things and reassuring her without her kicking off (mentally and sometimes physically). It is also having an adverse affect on her youngest who is really sensitive. That's the main reason she doesn't go back there after school. Even if it means long walks back to her mums with an eight-year old. Not easy. But she does it because she's trying to do what's right for her kids, not me. And I accept that.

[v4vigilance]

It may be prudent to vent on here, but stay away from the issue.

 

You SO needs your ear and listen (not give advise or opinion) but to vent.

You will be frustrated, but it is a battle she must fight on her own. You need to be there to stand behind her.

It's a mother daughter issue.

Something only a parent can understand. I am not trying to insult you either.

 

Try and keep out of it, it will only put undue pressure on her to do as you want to keep the peace.

remember SHE is the piggy in the middle here, trying please everybody.

The Daughter

You her lover

Even the Father

The other child

Family

Friends

They are all watching whats going on and judging her (Thats what she must see anyway)

[BeStrongBeHappy]

You need to recognize that this 'vile' child will be in your life for the rest of your life, so you need to either improve your attitude towards her or recognize this relationship won't work out. She will always be your girlfriend's daughter, and your girlfriend will want her around on holidays, special occasions, etc., even when the daugther has grown up.

 

I don't sense any empathy at all for the kid. She is 13, and most 13 year old ARE vile and self centered and mercenary and hard to deal with, and a 13 year old under stress can also be impossible. She's also got her father poisoning her against her mother. So you're blaming a child and casting the child as evil in your own head, which won't work to build a new family. When you marry a mother, you also end up with the kids, no matter what you'd prefer.

 

So it is in your best interest to try to support the mother to find ways to get along with this child and bring her back into her life, not push her out of it. Emphasize this is a hard time, but the daugther will calm down over time, and perhaps they need some family counseling to do so.

 

And work on your own attitude to the child, and recognize the BEHAVIOR is the problem, and that needs to be fixed. I doubt this child is the spawn of Satan as you are casting her. She is just an extremely upset and hurt teenager, and all teenagers are little monsters for a while, and grow up to be perfectly civilized adults.