LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 well, the title is self-explanatory. I (particularly) and many girls on the forum would appreciate some input from men here. what signs should tell us that we need to pull the plug (I would like to know about the 1st phase - dating non-exclusively, but you can comment on other phases too) and move on? Thanks Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 well, the title is self-explanatory. I (particularly) and many girls on the forum would appreciate some input from men here. what signs should tell us that we need to pull the plug (I would like to know about the 1st phase - dating non-exclusively, but you can comment on other phases too) and move on? Thanks This applies to both men and women - You know you are wasting your time when the person you are interested in does not show up for a date after accepting for the date. After the first date if subsequent dates are not being planned or if dates are being planned but one of them fails to show up then you are wasting your time. Link to comment
Syntax1985 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 just observation, how comfortable are they around you? do they seem to close up alot? if you didn't start the convo would you be sitting in silence for 3 hours? im sure you could probably work out more, but its all about interest and how intrested they seem in you IMO Link to comment
D_Lish Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 lol, like we really need to know the signs of disinterest, they are easily enough read Tinu... 1. Not calling/texting consistantly/or taking ages to call.... 2. Not returning texts or calls... 3. Making excuses for not showing up for dates... 4. Shows a lack of interest/enthusiasm when in your company... 5. A failure to reply to your online msgs on time... 6. Ogling other women in front of you... It aint hard to read a mans interest level....and when a woman has to do all the running, he AINT interested. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 D_Lish, yes, I've wasted a lot of time, talked to a lot of men and nothing worked really. Yes, they did show some of the signs that you mentioned. I feel that I'm naive. I also don't listen to my gut feeling and give others too much benefit of doubt. As a result, I wasted time and hurt my feelings. So, I asked. I will religiously keep these signs in mind n pull the plug now on at 1st offense itself. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 For me, in the early stages, if he is in town and not asking me out at least once a week without an emergency type reason, if he is not calling me when he says he will (and calling at least once a week to set up a date), if he is not taking an interest in my life or referring generally to his interest in being in a relationship (doesn't need to be 'with me" at that early stage), these are signs that we are not on the same page as far as sincere interest in a serious relationship. Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 D_Lish, yes, I've wasted a lot of time, talked to a lot of men and nothing worked really. Yes, they did show some of the signs that you mentioned. I feel that I'm naive. I also don't listen to my gut feeling and give others too much benefit of doubt. As a result, I wasted time and hurt my feelings. So, I asked. I will religiously keep these signs in mind n pull the plug now on at 1st offense itself. Tinu I am not trying to be rude but I honestly think that you should take a break from Dating. I think you are right now in a frustrated state. There is no offense involved if some one is not interested in you and you don't pull the plug. What you do not realize here is YOU have also given off signs of not being interested. If I remember correctly you always had an issue with returning phone calls... the last guy you took 10 days to return the call. Should he consider it as an offense? You are not in a healthy state of mind and I would recommend that you suspend your dating activities and resume from next year. Link to comment
lumu Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Tinu I am not trying to be rude but I honestly think that you should take a break from Dating. I think you are right now in a frustrated state. There is no offense involved if some one is not interested in you and you don't pull the plug. What you do not realize here is YOU have also given off signs of not being interested. If I remember correctly you always had an issue with returning phone calls... the last guy you took 10 days to return the call. Should he consider it as an offense? You are not in a healthy state of mind and I would recommend that you suspend your dating activities and resume from next year. I have a question. I find it terrible to talk on the phone with people. I much prefer txting or IM. Is this not good? I just sound stupid on the phone and guys creep me out on the phone. I'm fine in person. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 point noted gry, but I'm not referring to men that I misbehaved with. I've been a good girl with some men, but things didn't work out. I'm taking a break from dating. Yes, I agree, I'm frustrated. But everyone gets frustrated once in awhile. Has nothing to do with what you refer to "healthy mind". Noone has a healthy mind 24*7. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 I have a question. I find it terrible to talk on the phone with people. I much prefer txting or IM. Is this not good? I just sound stupid on the phone and guys creep me out on the phone. I'm fine in person. I've wasted a lot of time on phone. I wouldn't do it again. So, my opinion, good if you are not into it. Nothing beats the interaction in person. Txting/IM is a sure no no for me where I can't even feel the honesty in a person's voice. Online/phone thing is okay max. upto 3-4 times, then you should meet in person and take things from there on. The longer you wait, the higher the chances of flaking. Link to comment
lumu Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I've wasted a lot of time on phone. I wouldn't do it again. So, my opinion, good if you are not into it. Nothing beats the interaction in person. Txting/IM is a sure no no for me where I can't even feel the honesty in a person's voice. Online/phone thing is okay max. upto 3-4 times, then you should meet in person and take things from there on. The longer you wait, the higher the chances of flaking. I'm a geek and I prefer to write for a long time to get to know the person before I commit myself to wanting a date with them. I think you can learn a lot about a person with IM. Granted they can lie but they can lie to your face too. You have to take their word until you learn otherwise. Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 point noted gry, but I'm not referring to men that I misbehaved with. I've been a good girl with some men, but things didn't work out. I'm taking a break from dating. Yes, I agree, I'm frustrated. But everyone gets frustrated once in awhile. Has nothing to do with what you refer to "healthy mind". Noone has a healthy mind 24*7. By healthy state of mind I am referring to being able to brush off the men that are not interested and say "next" rather than say "offense" and "pull the plug". I am also not in a healthy state of mind... Most of us are not... Being good does not necessarily mean that the guy is going to feel the attraction for you. Same goes to men as well. That is why the term "nice guys" is so frustrating. And that is after the girls say "we want a nice guy". A guy may be good and super nice but if the girl doesn't feel the attraction he cannot get anywhere. One of the frustrating things about finding some one is even if you like a person soooooo much there is no obligation for that person to like us in the same way. It is very painful but it is the truth. I have had my share of hurt and pain over the past 8 years. It takes a while... I am sure things will turn better for you very soon. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I'm a geek and I prefer to write for a long time to get to know the person before I commit myself to wanting a date with them. I think you can learn a lot about a person with IM. Granted they can lie but they can lie to your face too. You have to take their word until you learn otherwise. I think a person learns very little of relevance as far as compatibility for dating through typing and talking prior to meeting. I used to do one or two emails, one or two phone calls, all designed to screen out those who were problematic, red flags, etc (and I did it all without coming accross heavy handed, without interviewing, without any sort of "interrogation" or prying), and then we met in person ASAP. I saved lots of wasted time in this way. To each her own. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Batya, can you please share how did you look for red flags without making the guy notice that you were doing it? This will help me a lot. Thanx Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Batya, can you please share how did you look for red flags without making the guy notice that you were doing it? This will help me a lot. Thanx I usually would have a normal conversation about - let's say, music, travel, our jobs, family (nieces/nephews, that sort of thing)- and I would listen for his tone (depressive?negative? arrogant?), see what questions he asked me about me, see what he had to say on these innocuous topics. I've always experienced people opening up to me fast - I have that kind of voice and in person people open up to me fast so quite often he would share things about his life, values, etc. I also had a witty, but no nonsense profile that was direct in my goal - marriage and family - so quite often the man would bring up that topic generally, allowing me to learn more. In the first few minutes I often would learn interesting facts, like the guy who shared with me within the first few minutes what a witch his sister in law was, the men who brought up some sexual topic early on (when the topic was something like movies or TV), the men who complained about exes, other women they had met, etc-maybe i was just lucky, but I think discussing harmless topics made the men more comfortable to be open in general, and to be themselves. Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Didn't you say that you like the guys that are mysterious??? The guys that didn't talk much and you never know what they are thinking??????? This post seems to be in direct contradiction to that. I also feel that if a guy opens up too quickly and says what a witch his sister is in the first few minutes the girl would run to the other direction. Link to comment
wintermelody Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I think a person learns very little of relevance as far as compatibility for dating through typing and talking prior to meeting. I used to do one or two emails, one or two phone calls, all designed to screen out those who were problematic, red flags, etc (and I did it all without coming accross heavy handed, without interviewing, without any sort of "interrogation" or prying), and then we met in person ASAP. I saved lots of wasted time in this way. To each her own. I agree with this. You have to have some validation to meet, otherwise all it can be is a platonic relationship, or wish-full thinking. You need to meet someone in flesh and bones. No matter how good they seem on paper. You need to have that physical chemistry and physical attraction (pictures are not always what they appear) of the other person of interest, to know if a spark exists romantically. Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 No matter how good they seem on paper. You need to have that physical chemistry and physical attraction (pictures are not always what they appear) of the other person of interest, to know if a spark exists romantically. Yup... totally agree! Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I think a good rule of thumb is: If you are giving a great deal more than you are getting in a relationship, you're probably wasting your time... Link to comment
Cognitive_Canine Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I agree with this. You have to have some validation to meet, otherwise all it can be is a platonic relationship, or wish-full thinking. You need to meet someone in flesh and bones. No matter how good they seem on paper. You need to have that physical chemistry and physical attraction (pictures are not always what they appear) of the other person of interest, to know if a spark exists romantically. Personally, I really can't judge attractiveness from pictures. I have to see how they move and interact. Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 Being good does not necessarily mean that the guy is going to feel the attraction for you. Same goes to men as well. That is why the term "nice guys" is so frustrating. And that is after the girls say "we want a nice guy". A guy may be good and super nice but if the girl doesn't feel the attraction he cannot get anywhere. One of the frustrating things about finding some one is even if you like a person soooooo much there is no obligation for that person to like us in the same way. It is very painful but it is the truth. I have had my share of hurt and pain over the past 8 years. It takes a while... I am sure things will turn better for you very soon. I agree... completely. Guys won't start to date you unless they are 1st attracted to you. Everything else comes after that. Actually, its liberating to know that. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 Didn't you say that you like the guys that are mysterious??? The guys that didn't talk much and you never know what they are thinking??????? This post seems to be in direct contradiction to that. I also feel that if a guy opens up too quickly and says what a witch his sister is in the first few minutes the girl would run to the other direction. No,I never said that. I do not like if a person overshares about very personal stuff because that makes me a bit wary of the friendship or dating going forward. That was not what I was referring to in my post. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I agree... completely. Guys won't start to date you unless they are 1st attracted to you. Everything else comes after that. Actually, its liberating to know that. That's probably true. I need to have at least potential for a spark to go on another date. Link to comment
grymoire Posted October 25, 2008 Share Posted October 25, 2008 I agree... completely. Guys won't start to date you unless they are 1st attracted to you. Everything else comes after that. Actually, its liberating to know that. It's the same for women also Tinu. Men and Women are the exact same in this regard. Why would someone want to date if they do not feel attraction? Link to comment
LAYAAN Posted October 25, 2008 Author Share Posted October 25, 2008 I guess I was naive, too slow to learn things. I always felt that being a good girl is sufficient to get n keep a man (you know the traditional training). But after I read a lot of posts on here, I realised that beauty is unnecessary, but attraction is a must to get the next date. Link to comment
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