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Rebuilding trust


kate111

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Sorry to say but I haven't. Tried for 3 years after he'd * * * * ed it up but the relationship was never the same. He kept giving me reasons not to trust him and whenever I confronted him about it, he got defensive and said it's because I never really forgave him...

 

I don't know what your situation is, but I would find it very hard trusting again. You gotta give him a little credit for coming clean spontaneously though...

 

Good luck and listen to what your conscience tells you

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Why do you have to try and rebuild "trust"? He cheated on you and now basically he wants to come back to you because what, he's done with the "affair"? There is truly no excuse for this. Unfortuneately this type of thing is like a glass and he broke it. Putting it back together is going to prove to be a tough task. If there was an issue in your relationship, he should have addressed them with you. Not cheat. It's your choice to remain with him or not but this will probably be something stuck in the back odlf our head. Take time to think of what's best for yourself.

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My boyfriend confessed an affair. He says he is truly sorry.

 

Now we want to rebuild trust. I'm wondering if anyone has managed to rebuild their relationship successfully.

 

Not very many relationships can recover from this. It is the worst thing you can do, IMHO.

 

You know he is capable of completely disregarding your feelings. That is not something you can get over easily. Plus, he probably lied to you at first, to carry on the affair. Even if he says he will walk the straight line from now on, will you believe him? Do you feel he will be honest with you from now on?

 

Do you think you can move on, without holding it against him and using it as the Sword of Damacles over his head? Will you be able to never bring it up again, during the times when images of him and the other women together haunt you? If so, then maybe you have a shot.

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kate111 - would he be willing to go to couples therapy with you? if you both are trying to reconcile now, rather than taking a break, then i think it would be the best thing to do. if he's really serious about earning your trust back and fixing the relationship, he should be willing to go. if not, then it'll be an uphill battle for you to not be angry at him and paranoid he'll cheat on you again. it's best to face the infidelity straight on with professional guidance, make him realize WHY chose to cheat so it won't happen again, and he'll have to understand he's gonna have to really be proactive about making you feel at ease and to trust him again. if he's truly remorseful and decides to go with you and you both put in the extra effort to get your relationship back on track, then this could be a catalyst for making your relationship stronger than ever (usually the exception, but it DOES happen!). if he's not willing to put in that extra effort, i would be really worried you're gonna be in for rocky road with him. if he doesn't want to go, and the relationship proves to be too much stress for you, then think about yourself and well-being first and don't let yourself stay in a miserable relationship. good luck and stay strong!

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I am trying to rebuild trust with someone who cheated but it's not easy. I am constantly wondering who is calling. Watching for signs of him being evasive. Holding the reigns tight which is never good. He says that since I took him back that I have to learn to trust again because we can't live day-to-day with me questioning him and wondering who is texting/calling etc. It's really hard. And then besides that, you have to think about the actual betrayal of him cheating and what was, or rather, wasn't going through his head. At least he was honest with you.

 

Some people may be built to overcome it and I am figuring out that I might not be built to overcome betrayal and cannot just forgive and forget (and he thinks it's so easy to just forgive and forget).

 

It's really your choice what you want to do as everyone is different though the betrayal is the same.

 

Good luck.

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wow so did you breakup?

 

I don't feel like sex anymore. I still love him though.

 

Eventually although I can't point directly to the cheating. I think we just wanted different things out of life. I definitely didn't want to get any of the other woman on me, but in the interest of being a good wife I made sure he had no sexual excuse to stray. He got exactly what he wanted from that point on until the day I was done. I hope it made him happy.

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I was in a LDR and my Gf had a brief encounter with another guy when gone for 2 months. I felt something was up when she came home. I got her to open up and spill it, and she was so sad and remorseful. We talked at length about the future. I asked her if she wanted me to see other women, got a big NO. We decided then and there that we were going to stay a couple and move forward to being exclusive... I stormed around a bit very upset then it hit me... i did not care, it was in the past and I love her dearly.

I said I forgave her and never mention it again, and I never did. It brought us closer together in a way, deepened our connection.

 

Hope you find your way back in you partnership

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KATE - I'd definitely suggest couples therapy if you're both sincere about giving it a go. It's a very enlightening experience and sometimes relationships need a major wake-up call, which couples therapy can provide. You've gotta fling those doors of communication wide open and be able to communicate. Once you can communicate and your issues are resolved you'll begin to trust again.

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Rebuilding trust is a very hard thing to do but it can be done. He has to realize that he needs to do this, to make every effort to prove to you that you can trust him again. And this will take along time.

 

With alot of effort from both partners I think the relationship can be repaired, if the love is there and they both want it.

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I believe trust can be rebuilt but only if the "offender" is willing to be 100% transparent, open and honest about *everything*. The person who cheated has to be willing to do whatever it takes to earn their partner's trust back if they truly want the relationship to work. I'm currently in this situation although it was an emotional thing that happened a year ago when my husband and I were having a really rocky time in our relationship. Its not an excuse for what my husband did but we are getting a better understanding of each other and the situation as it was last year by going to couple's counselling. I can't recommend counselling enough (with a good counsellor, of course...there are a lot of duds so do your research).

 

Dany is right...you really do have to fling open the doors of communication...I believe that is the only way to overcome something as devastating as cheating.

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I think couples who can truly recover from infidelity are few and far between.

 

No matter how much I loved someone, if they cheated on me there would be no going back. There is never an excuse for cheating. If he was unhappy about an aspect, or aspects, of your relationship he should have TALKED to you about it, not gone and slept with someone else.

 

I could never rebuild trust after a betrayal like that. I would always be wondering and worrying. It just wouldn't be worth the anguish. And really, who can completely, totally get over something like that?

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I dont think you can 100% forget about it but you CAN forgive the person. I used to say that I would never stay with someone who cheated and the on other time I was cheated on I didnt stay but this situation with my husband is very different and there is a lot of love there (and he didnt sleep with someone in my case...it was emotional which is bad enough). Everyone's situation is different and unique and while walking away is the right decision for some it may not be the right decision for others.

 

Trust CAN be rebuilt but it takes time, patience, 100% honesty and transparency. In a perfect world, everyone would "do the right thing" but unfortunately, that doesnt always happen so it is up to the the individual to assess their *own* situation and decide if its worth it to stay or not.

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