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3am standing on a bridge, what is wrong with me?


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So, its 4.30am i've just got home from a night out, even two pills couldnt lift my mood tonight - i found myself standing on a central london bridge at 3am crying my eyes out. I pulled my phone out 4 times, wrote messages to my ex but never sent them. I didnt call him. At least I managed not to do that - but I want to so badly, I want to tell him how badly I am hurting, i wish he understood.

 

It comes down to i miss him. Gut wrenching, heart twisting miss him. I long for him, i yearn to touch him, to be held by him, to talk to him. #

 

After a year there is still this gaping hole in my life where he, my best friend once, used to be.

 

it tears me up inside seeing other couples, knowing that he is happy with his new girlfriend. That he has never given me a seconds thought, he was with her immediately, he has never thought about me again, every second I am lonely, that i miss him, he has her. I want to scream. I feel so removed from life, i am obsessed with him, it is all i think about - i find that i will walk dangerous roads, like tonight - walking home alone through central london, i shouldnt but i just dont care. I almost want something to happen to me, at least he would know i existed.

 

I miss him, oh god i miss him.

 

How can i bear this pain that he has her, is right now curled up in their bed together, oh god it is agony, i'm so scared i will hurt like this forever, i want him so much. I had everything in life, now i have nothing, i was so happy and yet he has moved on with someone else. Every second i hurt, he has been happy, been in love, been touching, holding, kissing her, while i have sobbed and cried and hurt.

 

How can this ever end, i am hurting beyong belief. I miss him i miss him i miss him. just to talk to him, to hold him. I just dont understand, what did i do wrong? How can he have her instead of me? Why her? Why not me. I am so lonely.

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I know the pain you are feeling, please just pray on this. In fact, I will pray for you too.

 

It might also be best to go and talk with family about this and go into therapy. The pain will not go away any time soon, and it will hurt a lot. But don't go through this alone. Plus we are here for you.

 

Again, I'm gonna pray for you as soon as this reply is sent.

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Forgive him, and forgive yourself for what's happened between you two.

 

Then you work on your mind and your body to focus on other things... as hard as that may seem, until you stop drowning in these thoughts, NOTHING WILL CHANGE!

 

Let go, tell yourself it daily and nightly, everytime you think of him, focus on something else, do something else. Take up another hobby or continue one you have more thoroughly, don't hate him or anything for what you miss, stop drowning in him and his happiness and focus on your own for the time being.

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locolady.

 

I feel really sad reading that, i and alot of people know how you feel. I've been separated from my ex for 8 months and i still long for her. She's not seeing anyone else as far as i'm aware but i get the impression that'll change soon.

 

The only real thing to do is simply continue with life and try and make positive steps forward. Do things you enjoyed before he was in your life. You don't need another human being to make you happy, it's easy to think that way but you don't Happiness really does come from within.

 

It wont last forever i promise you.

 

Listen to this song if you get the chance. The artist is called Beth Orton and the song is called "pass in time" I listen to it whenever i'm low and it helps.

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thanks for the song recommendation, i actually saw beth orton live this summer at a festival, she was great!

 

just woken up with a deservedly raging headache!

 

i feel like my whole life has fallen apart since i lost him, i lost a lot of friends and my own are not proving to be as great as the ones i made through him, i quit my job desperate to change everything thinking i wouldnt miss him so much if everything was different! wrong! i guess i need to focus on finding a career i can enjoy, maybe try to find some new friends and hopefully thing may improve in the end. its just torture knowing you were worth absolutely nothing to someone you adored and could be replaced so easily without ever being missed or thought of again. i feel like ive got nothing to live for right now, no career, no future of love. i wanted to spend mylife with him, and now he's spending it with her. i find it so hard when i'm out and see other couples so happy. i know exactly what i'm msising. and my ex and his new girl are living out my dreams, its hurts so badly. i dont feel i'll ever find anyone else if i wasnt good enough for him to want to keep, i'll never be for anyone. there is nothing i want in my life other than to love and be loved.

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It seems you're hurting pretty badly, but to stay in that cycle of thought is pretty self-destructive. I still that way about my ex. 8 months since our split and i haven't even so much as kissed anyone else, and i know my insecurities probably aided her decision to call it a day. But i love her and i thought she loved me enough to work thru whatever was clearly wrong. But i can't change that now so it's self-harming to dwell on things.

You have to try and stop dwelling on it and just move forward. I know what it's like to lose the person you thought you'd spend your life with, but life is unpredictable and we all get dealt a rough hand sometimes.

 

You can move on from this but you have to start to allow yourself to. Does that make sense?

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it does make sense thank you, i know there is some invaluable advice on this site but i guess its so hard to put into practice!

 

i despise myself and any time i even have a thought about something positive about myself, or do something nice for someone, i immediately shoot myself down and think well, that cant be true about me because if i was x,y,z then he would have wanted to be with me. he wouldnt have chosen her over me, if i had any good qualities he would have missed me or at least even wanted to speak to me ever again instead he just erased me so i cant have any decent qualities or anything to offer.

 

I nknow how destructive it is to think that way, but thats the exact way i feel and it seems that him leaving me, replacing me and never speaking to me again is concrete proof that i am not worth knowing much less loving.

 

I dont know how to break that cycle because it seems to logical and true to me.

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Firstly, you seem to be a sensitive girl which suggests to me a very lovable quality, and everyone deserves to be loved. Just because your ex decided to leave you and set up with someone else, doesn't mean you can't be loved. More likely it means your ex isn't worth your time if he moved on so easily. How long were you together?

 

Have you thought about seeing a doctor about your sadness? I'm about to start medication on anti-depressants a i'm in my 3rd year at University and need something to stabalise my moods and help me focus.

 

Spmething to consider perhaps?

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I definitely know what you mean, locolady. You can intellectually know what is the right thing to do but it's so very very very stinking freaking argh hard to apply in your life.

 

To be honest, it's relieving to see you a very sensitive and loving person, because we can relate in that sense, look at each other, and realize we're not alone in the world. I have come to the understanding through wisdom that there ARE loving and caring people in the world, who would truly do anything for another person like yourself, and if you truly love yourself and radiate with confidence and happiness, that will attract the perfect love right to you. If you remain grieved and broken, they'll pass right by. That's why it's important to move on. I do believe there IS a healthy period of suffering that everyone needs to go through, but it's just the danger of letting it go on too long.

 

So there are other gems out there, trust me, I know it's hard to think otherwise, the person I -still- love was exactly like that. Every tiny detail was just absolutely perfect, to the point where it was unbelievable almost.

 

But it's time to focus on healing, sweetheart, the best thing you can do is just work on being positive and find happiness where it may be. I know that watching funny movies helps a lot, anything that makes you laugh and smile, and just keep that feeling close.

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Loco, you're at the point where you need professional help. You think this is all about him, but it really isn't. You have some deeper issues here, maybe abandonment fears, or depression, or issues from your past that need to be worked through.

 

Please call a therapist now, and start going and talking about these feelings there.

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Hi,

I was at the same festival, did you hear that woman on her boyfriend's shoulders near the front, yelling 'ANNA! ANNA!" at her friend somewhere at the back? I told her to be quiet. Beth looked p***ed off but soldiered on.

 

I was there with my girlfriend, who left me 2 weeks later. I was so happy we finally got to see Beth, we'd been looking forwards to this for 5 years. It was as if she'd ticked Beth off her list, then me too.

 

Listen, you're just on a comedown. And, it'll get worse tomorrow, but you know that. Try to keep remembering that on Monday and Tuesday, really get present to the fact that your body has been depleted, and you are experiencing a short term chemical imbalance which will mess with your emotions. It's as real as you want it to be, so remember that you are in charge.

 

Therapy may help, but in the short term, you need to remember that going out when you're unhappy won't make you happy. I know this all too well. Boy oh boy, do I.

 

Are you indulging your grief? If so now it is time you made a decision to stop. It's just that, a decision. Stop having your past run your present. Be kind to yourself. And forgive him, because he is just doing the best he can, and he deserves happiness as much as you do. You know it's true. Know that you will be OK. Stay in next weekend. And the one after that!

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haha yeh comedown central but still i am scared i am completely losing my mind. * i can think of nothing else, i cant sleep and then when i do i cant get out of bed, i'm so miserable. * i physically ache for him and feel so worthless.God, i just want to be unconscious all the time so my drug use is spiralling. * and i'm failing my course - ive started a teacher training course of all things! * I think i did it in an identity crisis thinking that if i was something, eg a teacher, an undeniably "nice" career, i wouldnt hate myself quite so much. * jeeesh i was wrong, i despise myself for being crap at it and for making stupid decisions. * i just wish he could see some good in me. * i wish he hadnt chosen her over me and i wish he didnt hate me.ive opted out of life this week, i havent been to my school placement and ive stayed in bed smoking weed. * i dont know how to get back into life now, i know i have to - im wasting my life, and he will never ever care about it, this is so stupid but i cant get back, i cant shut up the noise in my mind that just goes on and on thinking about him, missing him, picturing him with his girlfriend.I went for a run earlier, and felt like my head would explode i couldnt stop these thoughts then i dont know if i passed out or if i had a black out but i kind of came round and was sitting on the grass crying with my hands over my face.i just want him to care about me, i want him in my life. * am i going mad?

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I know you have probably heard this before but it is true. First you have to be happy alone and love yourself before you can be happy in a relationship. Its been over a year and you are still hurting beyond belief? You need to find other things in your life to make you happy and stop giving this one person such great power over your happiness. I just broke up with my BF of 3 years on Sat, and I am upset about it but I have so many other things going on that I am don't have time to fall apart. I have friends and obligations and hobbies and work. He was just a small part of my life and even though I loved him with all my heart I am not going to waste any more time on someone that didn't love me back.

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thanks for the replies, lovegone...i hope you are ok.

 

I've realised that my whole life is about other people. i've had some sort of epiphany! All i care about is my my friends, my social life, whether people like me, the only times i'm happy are social times, i value everything in having fun, connecting with people, being close to people etc. I actually have NO goals that dont involve someone else, someone loving me, someone choosing me, someone wanting to share things with me etc.

 

So, these are good things in life but they cant be everything....no wonder i am so hurt, so disappointed when people let me down - its the only thing i value. I have changed my job a load of times already and am only 24, i often think i'd be happy just sitting out the day at work so long as i have plans for the evening with my friends...and this has been true but then during quiet times i feel depressed, like my life is going nowhere etc....because its not, because i'm not driving myself anywhere.

 

i dont focus at work at all, i think i dont care about it. but actually maybe i would be happier if i did put some effort and some thinking time into it, and achieved something. no, its not happiness like a loving relationship....but no wonder i am so miserable when everything that makes me happy relies on someone else, i feel helpless because i'm putting myself in that position.

 

ok, so some goals for myself. i think ive finally understood the two sides of finding happiness in yourself. 1) not hating myself for the way i look, the faults i have etc. but also 2) spending time and effort and thought on goals that do not involve someone else. i'm so obsessed with my ex, with love, with relationships, with romance, but above all my ex! i need to train my mind to actually think about something else, i know this wont be easy, i didnt realise how badly obsessed i was. i genuinely think about nothing else, i cry along the road to work, i zone out at the computer, i drift off while in a bar, this has to be stopped. i have to opt back into my life.

 

sorry, just venting a bit there. new leaf time. i've wasted a year crying for my ex,

when i'm an old lady wearing those knickers that inexplicably seem to tuck both boobs and knees into the crotch, i'll regret wasting a year of my twenties, what a shame. NO MORE CRYING FOR HIM!

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i was cheated & dumped in a similar fashion.She walked out and continued to be ghoulishly sadistic.I felt utterly bereft & cold.

 

No matter what i did ,where i was she would pop up in my thoughts & it would feel crushing.I found it hard to breathe on quite a few occasions.

 

I dont know how but as soon as i would think about her ,i would be stung by these nasty pangs of anxiety & it would be a terrible struggle just to control my pulse & breathing.Now atleast the physical suffering is under my control but yes i still find it difficult to cope with her thoughts and images.

 

I have decided to go totally NC for as long as i need to heal myself.Its a terririble terrible feeling to fight the demons of suicide but i think one needs courage & determination to survive.

 

Finally after about 23-24 days , i am beginning to slowly regain my composure.Sure she won't ever leave my thoughts but i'll continue to fight until one day she becomes insignificant in my thoughts.I pray that you too find the courage & equanimity very soon..!

 

I have been reading funny stuff around the internet , reading about Recession and stocks,Keeping busy with project work in JME(coding etc).Planning a workout regimen & yes trying to understand others' problems at enotalone .Hope this helps you too! Good luck!

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Hmmm... I wonder if that's the same London bridge that I've cried my eyes out on? Maybe see you there...

 

For me it's only six months. But your feelings sound very similar to mine. She was my best friend, my lover, my world. And I don't understand why she left, and never looked back - or how she could do so.

 

Like you, I get my happiness from other people. Well, chiefly from one other person. Without her in my life I enjoy nothing, I can't focus on work, and even when I go out, she's on my mind.

 

And while people say that you need to be happy alone before you can be happy in a relationship (and there's a lot of truth in that) we know how real the pain is, and that we can't just switch that off.

 

I'm doing what I can. I felt no joy in my old hobbies, so I've taken up a new one and we'll see how that goes...

 

I've also been seeing a therapist who echoes what BeStongBeHappy says - that the pain's not actually all about her. (I can give you the details of some low cost therapists in London if money's an issue...)

 

But we have to grieve. We have to let the pain out. It's hard but it's necessary.

 

And I've decided to start dating. I think I'm ready to do so, and I think that if I can find someone else then that will help me get her out of my system. Not a rebound, but someone I genuinely like. Maybe I don't miss her as much as I miss someone...

 

There are a lot of people in this city. So it ought to be possible to find a match. But it can be awfully lonely when you don't...

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hey bob3000 please do pass on some details of low cost counsellors, im doing a postgrad course so should be able to get it free (ive been for an initial session) but its proving hard to fit me in with their limited hours and im alos not 100% sure i'm going t stick with the course so i might need something else anyway. Thank you.

 

I hope you are feeling alright, seems like we've both had our hearts smashed in the same way.

 

i went on a few dates a few months ago and i was coping much better with the loss of my ex at the time - not sure if the dates were the cause or a side effect of feeling happier but ive regressed again recently and have been really really struggling to cope. I just miss him so much. I also think i should try dating again now although i doubt i'd have many offers right now! misery isnt attractive n all that!

 

Good luck

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i went on a few dates a few months ago and i was coping much better with the loss of my ex at the time - not sure if the dates were the cause or a side effect of feeling happier but ive regressed again recently and have been really really struggling to cope.

 

Regressing is just part of the course. It happens and it will rear it's ugly head again before you're completely mended. Try not to get upset with yourself for that. It's just your body doing it's 'thing'. It's a bit of a bumpy ride but we're all sharing a seat on the same rollercoaster (although I don't think any of us are in the mood for an ice-cream).

 

I just miss him so much. I also think i should try dating again now although i doubt i'd have many offers right now! misery isnt attractive n all that!

 

Of course you miss him, that's understandable. The focus needs to be YOU right now and you just need to keep reminding yourself to think about yourself and not the ex. I know it's easily said, but keep on trying and you will get there.

 

Personally I wouldn't date so soon after a breakup. Like you say, misery isn't attractive and people can somehow 'sense it'. Rejection at this point in time tends to be amplified as well and that's the last thing you need right now.

 

Keep pressing on a day at a time. Everyone here is behind you.

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All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You
All I Ever Wanted Was to Love You

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