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I need help! And I can't afford therapy right now.


Gracelove

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I'm having a very hard time lately.

 

A few days after I was raped I went to see a counselor I was seeing on campus.

 

I was an absolutely wreck, just gone. And I told her I was raped. And then I told her about another situation that happened about a week or so before the rape.

 

I don't know why I told her about the other situation, but I was just a hysterial wreck.

 

Anywho, she said that I had been raped both times, on two separate occasions. I totally threw that out of the window though. I thought, "how dare she say I was raped twice".

 

To me that wasn't something I was going to even consider. I knew I had been raped in the second situation and it was killing me.

 

So it's been almost three years. I think I've been doing really well.

I didn't tell any of my other therapists about the first situation.

I kept it to myself.

I just did.

I put it away somewhere, and that was that.

 

Well, now it's back. And it's really upsetting me.

 

I've forgiven my rapist, and his accomplice. I'm doing better. I'm not on medicine anymore, and I'm ready for a new job.

 

But I'm soooo stressed. A few days ago, the first situation popped in my head, and it wouldn't leave. I just couldn't get rid of it, and I started feeling SUPER depressed.

 

And now when I think about it, my stomach turns. I feel super sick, like throwing up. Even tonight, I know I'm going to have to take Ambien to sleep.

 

And I know I tell people you can't push things down, because they'll come back to bite you.

 

But I just don't want to deal with this situation, AT ALL. It's a pain. And I've had enough pains.

 

I just don't even want to think about it, but I can't seem to help it lately, it's just there.

And I don't know what to do, I don't know how to get rid of it.

 

And I'm not even going to entertain the idea that I was raped another time. I'm just not. I don't see why it should matter at all.

I just don't think it's important.

 

I just don't want to deal with this. I don't see the point. I thought everything was over and done with, I don't want a phase two.

 

I just want to focus on other things. I just want to be happy.

 

Are there any techniques I can use, to get those thoughts out of my head?

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Therapists...sometimes they can cause more harm than help...

You're the only one who really knows what goes on inside your head, and even though this person might be a professional, he/she may not be the right one for you. I went to see one a couple of times to deal with my stuff and I left her office feeling just as miserable as when I walked in. I think their job is too make us feel better right?

 

I don't know the details of your situation and I'm really sorry you're going through all this, maybe you should consider a different counselor in your school, but you definitely need somebody to talk to and let it all out. You have to deal with this, as painful as it migth be, shutting those feelings off will not make them go way. I once read a quote that said "The best way out is through it". In a way I think it makes sense.

 

Take care of yourself, things will get better, but make sure you find someone you're confortable with to talk to...that's also why we're here. Have a good night.

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Grace! I just logged on before I hit the sack and saw your post. Try calling Bay Area Women Against Rape 510-845-7273. It's free and anonymous. I call whenever I have stuff like this come up late at night and I need a human voice. They're amazing. I think it would be helpful to you even if you continue posting about this on ENA.

 

I have to go to bed now. Hope you feel better. I'll check back in tomorrow.

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Hey There Ursa!!!

 

Thanks so much for your support also! I really appreciate it!

 

Ya, I totally wrote the therapist off when she told me that. It was just out of the question for me.

 

But I didn't tell any other therapist, because I just didn't. I'm usually very open, but I find it harder to talk about the first situation, than I do my rape.

 

I just don't understand why all of this is bothering me now. I truly felt free of the memories, of everything.

It crossed my mind every now and then, no big deal, but otherwise I've been completely able to surpress it.

 

I want to heal, and I feel I've been doing this.

 

And I feel that the only way to heal is to be completely honest with yourself, about everything, your feelings etc.

 

But I don't think I've had anything I want to ignore more than this.

 

I could care less about what actually happened. I just want my bad feelings to go away.

 

You're right though, some therapist just drag you on, and on, and they could care less whether you get better or not. Sad huh?

 

You have a good night too!

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Hey gracelove

well, i have my alarm set for 6:45am, it's 1:45am and I'm still up...

honestly, i know what it's like when a feeling is so painful that something in your brain just chooses to ignore it because u think it would just be unbearable to deal with it. My situation is different than yours, but I know the feeling...

 

I still suggest you find someone to talk to

 

I don't know what kind of specific advice to give you, I have a friend who went through a similar situation as yours and it's delicate and u need to talk to someone who knows what they're doing.

 

But know that you will be allright, no pain can last forever right? The people who did this to you will pay in due time, it's just the order of things

 

You have to focus on yourself and look ahead, be strong!

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Grace! I just logged on before I hit the sack and saw your post. Try calling Bay Area Women Against Rape 510-845-7273. It's free and anonymous. I call whenever I have stuff like this come up late at night and I need a human voice. They're amazing. I think it would be helpful to you even if you continue posting about this on ENA.

 

I have to go to bed now. Hope you feel better. I'll check back in tomorrow.

 

Hey There Stella!!!!

 

Thanks so much!!! I'll definitely keep this number.

 

I'm just afraid that if I start talking about it, I'll be opening up a can of worms. I'm reallly hoping that in a week or so, these emotions will die down, and I can go on like normal. I just feel that what happened is totally my fault, and thereforee, whatever the person did, they did. And I don't really care.

 

I don't want to be like, "Oh this person, mistreated me, and that person mistreated me".

 

At this point I just want to forget it all. What's done is done. I think it's easier that way.

 

But this thing keeps bothering me, it just does. And this all just started a few days ago!

 

And I was doing so well, and now I feel depressed. And this is like a snowball. And I'm trying to figure out what started it rolling.

 

My friend told me that in-depth story about her rape, so I partially blame that.

And then I read this article on date rape, that was my fault.

 

And it's so horrible, because I always felt such pity for those women who were raped twice.

 

I mean could there be anything more horrible in the world, I told myself. Such misery. And then all of this stuff starts haunting me.

 

And I'm like, "Oh NO!"

 

And I still have that thing where I'm like down on myself for being raped. I just do.

 

And even in the last situation.....

 

I know I couldn't keep silent, something in me just wouldn't let that happen.

 

But at the same time I feel like a tattle-tale. And I know that's really stupid, and I shouldn't.

 

But I just look at all of the problems and all of the changes, and I keep thinking about how none of it wouldn't have happened, if I hadn't been raped.

 

I mean, it's just really annoying.

 

It's like you face it, and then what? I'm at the "and then what" phase.

 

And I feel like I've finally gotten a handle on the other situation. I've forgiven them, and it's fine.

 

But the last thing I want to think about is having to deal with another injustice, yet another crime.

 

And just hate feeling like the victim (like someone who can be messed over, with no consequences).

 

And then I'll have to think about why I filed a report on one and not the other.

 

I just felt sooo caught in the middle on the first situation (the one that's bothering me now). My cousin was furious. She was going to have them beaten up and arrested. I had to BEG her not to do it. BEG. I mean, I had to just totally turn things around.

 

And then with the whole situation, I had to BEG for someone to call the police, BEG for them to take me to the hospital, but they wouldn't do it.

 

It's just..............

 

And I'm telling myself, that maybe it's just the situation that's bothering me.

Maybe the other stuff didn't happen.

 

I mean there's enough there that might have traumatized me enough to make me have these bad feelings about that night.

I didn't have to be violated in any other way.

 

I mean, I just have to stand up for myself more.

 

Back then, I was so foolish. Just totally foolish. And sometimes I get so angry with myself because I've wondered if I've learned how to do it well enough (stand up for myself).

 

I have a really high tolerance level. So I let people just walk all over me, and then after a while, I hit that "enough" mark. But I shouldn't let people mistreat me at all.

 

And I have to change something. I just do.

 

I'm smart enough now, not to believe what people tell me, just because they are saying something.

 

Back then I took everyone at their word. But it didn't work out quite right.

 

Anywho, that's that.

 

I'm actually feeling a bit better, LOL! It's not so bad talking about it in general terms.

 

Hopefully now I'll be able to go to sleep.

 

Thank you so much Stella! You are a life safer.

 

Sweet dreams!

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Hey Grace, first off, I want to say I think it's horrible that this crime occurs. The physical wounds are nothing compared to the mental wounds. I agree with the others in the post about getting a new therapists. From what you have said it sounds like you have visited a couple of therapists. It doesn't sound like you have clicked with one of them.

 

You may want to call the number Stella provided. It appears as if they are professionals at dealing with such situations. You may find a therapist there that you trust and can confide it. I know first hand that if you try to suppress negative emotional feelings that they will jump up and bite you when you least expect it.

 

Try the number Stella gave you. It might be just the place you are looking for. Once you find a therapist you trust you will probably feel comfortable enough to open up about the first situation. I'll bet when you get a good therapist, someone you trust, that you will make some real progress. I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the help that you need. Troop.

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Hey gracelove

well, i have my alarm set for 6:45am, it's 1:45am and I'm still up...

honestly, i know what it's like when a feeling is so painful that something in your brain just chooses to ignore it because u think it would just be unbearable to deal with it. My situation is different than yours, but I know the feeling...

 

I still suggest you find someone to talk to

 

I don't know what kind of specific advice to give you, I have a friend who went through a similar situation as yours and it's delicate and u need to talk to someone who knows what they're doing.

 

But know that you will be allright, no pain can last forever right? The people who did this to you will pay in due time, it's just the order of things

 

You have to focus on yourself and look ahead, be strong!

 

Hey There!!!!

 

Aww, you're having trouble sleeping too?! I totally know how that goes. You're probably counting the hours as they pass by.

 

Do you drink coffee in the morning? You should probably have something when you wake up.

That way you won't feel so miserable throughout the day.

 

Thanks! You're right, no pain can last forever.

 

And thank you for let me know you can relate, even if it's not exactly the same situation. It makes me feel comforted just the same.

 

I have a therapist that I want to see. Sometimes I wonder if she'll be able to help me.

 

But she has really been good to me. I haven't had a session in a whole year just about. And during that time she let me call and leave her messages, when I was frustrated. And she returned my calls too!

 

I just feel really bad because I was had sessions with her for a while, and I never told her about the first situation.

 

Acutally we didn't really talk about my rape much either.

 

If I started to talk about it, she would stop me, and ask me if I really wanted to talk about it.

I guess I would get really ansy and not realize it.

 

I think that she would see me getting really distressed, and keep me from over doing it.

But I was always distressed when talking about that, so we never got very far.

 

But I had a lot of other stressors also, and we dealt with those.

 

I had a therapist, in another state, who was soooo good with the rape thing. It's like she was an expert.

She really helped me out a lot.

I didn't feel weird because of what happened, when I was seeing her.

 

If I cried, she made it seem like it was totally normal, and I had every right.

If I were angry, she'd get angry right along with me, and tell me that I should be angry.

 

She just made me feel totally normal. It really helped me a lot.

 

And I didn't think about it until recently. But she was kind of leary of my ex-boyfriend, LOL!

She was really right on, about everything. I really miss her.

 

Anywho, I'm tired.

 

I just hold my breath going from one phase of life to the next. Sometimes I feel there are no breaks in life.

 

When it comes to the guys, I don't really feel anger towards them. I feel embarrassment mostly. I can minimize things that happened.

 

But with my rape, I felt a lot of anger. I mean, it was really, really, bad. And then having my close friend be involved, it just...I lost it.

But I feel over that now. So I'm glad about that.

 

I mean, some of the symptoms still linger, but that's about all.

 

Anywho, have a great night sleep!!!

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Hey There!!!

 

Thanks for you support! I will call the number. It'll be hard, but I'll do it.

 

It's just so hard to open your mouth and say things out loud you know? And when it comes to stuff like that it's hard for me to trust others.

 

My parents are pretty understanding. But in the beginning, my mom just didn't get it at all.

It was rough.

 

I'm just....

 

It just doesn't make sense that this would bother me so many years later.

 

With the rape, I was only able to downplay it for 2 months at the most. I had a breakdown before, but after that I was good for 2 months...then I just completely broke down.

 

So I don't see how this could be a non-issue for almost three years, and all of a sudden become a big deal.

 

I kind of feel that I should get a new therapist also, because we rarely touch the rape issue. And I want to get better, I want to move past it in all forms. So we have to talk about it, don't we?

 

But I feel like I'll be, being disloyal, if I see another therapist.

I told her so many times that I'm coming back to see her. So I'll have to go for at least a little while.

 

I don't know what other therapist I might go to though. I'll see.

 

Anywho, thanks so very much for your advice. I hope you'll be able to catch some zzz's also.

 

~Grace

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I wouldn't worry about keeping appointments with a therpist that you don't think is helping you. And, in order to get better, you are going to have to talk about the subjects that are truly bothering you.

 

When something mentally traumatic happens and you lock it away, it usually does push itself back into the front of your mind. It's almost like it has a life of it's own and refuses to be ignored. I have been in your shoes and locked stuff up, threw away the key just to have it kick the door down and bring me to my knee's. I finally realized that I had to deal with it head on. Troop.

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I'm back Grace. I agree with Trooper. I read an article once on this woman who endured a horrific rape ordeal and she said something to the effect that she didn't want to remember and put the memories in a drawer in her brain and locked the drawer. But the drawer would open of its own accord, when she least expected it or wanted it. I've had this experience too. What I've found is that our brains and bodies won't let us remember anything that we can't handle.

 

Who knows what really happened that first time? Often survivors of rape or sexual assault have more than one victimization unfortunately. So it's very possible. I agree that it would be good for you to talk about, even in general terms. You don't need to dwell on any details that you don't want to.

 

As for your therapist, I'd suggest calling her and telling her some stuff is coming up about your rape that you haven't been able to talk to her about. Say you're not sure if it's because the therapeutic relationship isn't working or because it hasn't been the right time yet. See how she responds. If you can work through this with her, great. If not, it's perfectly fine to tell her you think you might want to see a different therapist.

 

Try calling the phone number I gave you and see how it feels to talk to one of their counselors anonymously. It might be easier for you this way, at first.

 

You're strong Grace. You'll get through this.

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I wouldn't worry about keeping appointments with a therpist that you don't think is helping you. And, in order to get better, you are going to have to talk about the subjects that are truly bothering you.

 

When something mentally traumatic happens and you lock it away, it usually does push itself back into the front of your mind. It's almost like it has a life of it's own and refuses to be ignored. I have been in your shoes and locked stuff up, threw away the key just to have it kick the door down and bring me to my knee's. I finally realized that I had to deal with it head on. Troop.

 

Ya, that is true. I've been thinking that maybe, another therapist might help me better.

 

The only thing is I'll have to update my new therapist on everything. It's always so uncomfortable changing therapist.

 

Maybe this time, she won't mind me talking about the assault. She's supposed to be great for people who've been sexually abused, and have had eating disorders. That's right up my alley.

 

But she doesn't give me a lot of advice. She just lets me know that she sympathizes (sp?) with me.

 

I would kind of like some advice though. I've been trying to figure my way through this thing, and it helps to have someone with expertise, guide you a bit.

 

I don't know.

 

With her, I'm really aware of the money situation. Like, when I'm seeing her, I'm aware that this is her business.

 

With the others, I rarely thought about money. I just paid and went, I don't know it was different.

 

With this whole new situation...I don't know. I'm kind of hoping that I can just push it back where it came from and lock the door.

 

Well see, only time will tell.

 

I know it's not the smartest thing to do, but right now it feels like it'd be the most convenient.

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I really like what you said, "who knows what happened". That makes me feel really comfortable.

 

I can see why the first therapist said what she said, but who really knows.

I know what happened before, and what happened after.

 

But for so long, I've been really happy not to know what happened during a certain period.

 

I feel relieved. That's why for all of this time, I've been like, "who's cares". Thank God that I don't remember that part.

 

But then I started having just this awful experience a few days ago. I was soooo depressed. And everything kept replaying in my mind, over, and over, and over, again. And I just couldn't stop it.

 

Then I started having the feelings I had after I was raped, and it realllly disturbed me.

 

But today, I feel better. I felt sick for most of the day, but that's just stress.

I didn't have anything replaying in my mind.

 

I've had lots of bad experiences in my life, but I get over them you know? Except for the rape, that really did me in.

 

But this whole "first situation", is something I totally thought I could brush off and forget about. I mean I could rationalize everything, and make it no big deal.

 

And then the other day I felt like I was being told, "it is a big deal", when it just wouldn't go away.

 

So I'm really hoping to make everything okay again. I felt better after I was able to talk with you guys last night.

So maybe talking about it will make it better.

 

I just freak out way more than I should.

 

Like if I tell this story to an anonymous counselor, I don't want to hear, "I think you were raped".

 

When I told the other counselor, that's what I was told. And when my cousin found out, she told me she was going to have all of the guys arrested for rape.

 

And both times I remember feeling really very scared. I just wanted it to go away.

And I was able to make it go away, until a few days ago.

 

I'm so used to ignoring things. It's how I make it through most days. If someone is rude, I ignore it. If someone is nasty, I ignore it.

I have to be in a certain mood, or really tired to mention it, and then I'll mention it in my journal, or to a couple of friends...but not to that person's face.

 

And the thing that is super confusing to me, is when someone treats you super badly, and then all of a sudden they are nice.

 

It really weirds me out.

 

I feel like, "okay they are being nice, so I should just forget all of the bad things they've done".

 

Usually I can do that, but in some instances, a part of me is like, "no that's not okay. what they did isn't okay".

 

I don't know where I get my mentality from, I feel it's flawed in many ways. But it's just hard when someone all of a sudden is nice to you.

 

It's like abuse you know? In my abusive relationship, he would be scary and mean, but then he'd be nice for a little while.

 

Stuff like that always trips me up in the beginning. It just throws me off.

 

Anywho, I hope my therapist will understand. But when I talk about it, I feel like she gets really uncomfortable.

 

I guess I move around a lot, but I totally don't realize it. I can't help it really, but I don't think she likes it. So that's why I think we don't talk about it really. I don't know. It's weird.

 

I'll call the number tonight when my parents fall asleep and see how it goes.

 

Thanks again Stella!

 

~Grace

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Okay, I feel ready to talk about it, just a little bit.

A lot of stuff happened, but I don't feel ready to talk about all of it.

Anywho, I'll talk about the last 1/3 of that night. I woke up, in bed, and I was feeling really sick. I woke up the guy next to me and told him I needed help.

So he got up.

He told me he didn't know what to do, so he was going to get his friend.

I didn't want him to get his friend, because I didn't have any clothes on and I didn't want some guy seeing me naked (although, I must say, at the time I had a really nice body).

Anywho, when he leaves to get his friend I lock the door, because I'm scared and I think it's the right thing to do.

When they get back, they aren't happy about the door being locked. They start banging and screaming, and telling me I better open the door.

They are sounding really scary, so I open it.

Anywho, they give me my panties to put on, and that's it.

And I was really sick. I was having trouble breathing. I was throwing up, but everything was clear, nothing was there.

I was shaking violently, I felt like I was having seizures.

I was crying, and begging for them to call the police, to call an ambulance. But they wouldn't.

And I was pleading with them, but they wouldn't do it.

At this point, there are like 5 guys there.

And whenever I'd start to go out of it, one would shake me and scream at me to open my eyes. He was intense. We were on the floor near the toilet. It's like I'd start falling asleep, and he'd shake me hella hard, and he wouldn't stop. It was really just ridiculous, I thought my head was going to bang in into the wall.

It was just really bad, because I thought I was going to die.

And this went on for hours. And the guy who was shaking me, gave me some water, and held my hair back.

And then at one point I was all alone in the bathroom, so I crawled over to the counter. Because my purse was there, and I wanted my cell phone so I could call for help. But my cell phone wasn't there.

It was just bad.

And then at one point they came back, but not all of them.

And I was crying. And I kept saying I was really cold.

So one guy got my legs, and the other one put his arms under mine, and they carried me to the closet (which was in the bathroom).

And one guy. The one that was shaking me and giving me water, stayed in the closet with me.

 

He covered me with a blanket, wrapped his arms around me, and laid there with me.

I just remember being freezing cold. And then I was out.

 

And then at one point he got up, it was daylight, and that's when I woke up.

 

So ya.

I was kind of scared to walk out of that closet.

One or two guys were in the kitchen, and I asked one, the owner who was in bed with me, if I could take a shower. He told me I could.

So I showered for a long time. He told me I didn't have to go, I could stay and sleep for a while.

But I really didn't want to. etc. etc. etc.

So ya, it's a super long story, blah, blah, blah...

 

But the thing that really hurts my feelings, is that I never beg. I just don't beg.

I just never have a reason too. Even if I'm really scared, I don't do that.

 

But I was BEGGING them to call the hospital. I realllllly needed help. I was in bad shape, and I really knew it, and they wouldn't let me.

I mean I've never in my life have had a seizure (sp?) before. But I had this involuntary jerking that was going on, and it was scary.

I was crying too, and I never cry in public.

That's the hard part.

 

And a lot of stuff happened before that, but this is the only part I feel like talking about right now.

 

I think it bothered me, because I was with people I didn't know, I was scared, and I couldn't go anywhere. I couldn't get help. And I thought I was a goner.

So that's what's hard about that situation for me.

I just felt so helpless.

 

I never in my life thought that I would be denied a 911 phone call.

 

It's not like they would have to pay for an ambulance or anything. I would have been charged.

 

I'm just grateful I made it through that night. It really sucked.

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I agree with Greensleeves. It sounds truly frightening. I think you need to talk about this with a professional. From my experience with that hotline, none of the counselors would ever say "you were raped." They would simply listen and give you feedback and comfort you. They wouldn't tell you to do anything or feel anything or think anything that you didn't want to. As for your therapist, it's hard to tell whether she's uncomfortable talking about things with you, or if you're projecting that onto her. That's why I suggested you try to address this with her. If your tendency is to try to ignore conflict, I can understand why this would be difficult for you. I used to be the same way and learning to stand up for myself was part of the process of healing from what happened to me.

 

Good luck! Try to be extra special good to yourself this week.

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Hey Grace. There are so many things in your last post that are wrong, it would take hours to get through them all. The one thing I can quickly clear up is the seizure thing. If you can remember the uncontrolled shaking, it probably wasnt a seizure. People who have seizures lose complete muscle tone and control. They cannot remember ANY part of the seizure and when they come out of it they usually go through what is called postictal. This is when a person is confused, cannot control all their body funtions normally, doesn't remember who they are or their surroundings. Generally people who have seizures also lose bladder control and urinate on themselves.

 

If you have memory of the entire time you were violently shaking I would venture to say it wasnt a seizure. Most people who have had a seizure find out because someone with them witnessed it. There are alot of reasons seizures happen. If I had to guess what your episode was I would say it was a mixture of fear, being cold, and being out of control of your immediate surroundings.

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Hey There Guys!

 

How's it going? I hope all is well.

 

The experience was a little fightening for me I think, but overall, I feel a bit nonchalant about it.

 

Just last week, I think it's been a week now, I had issues with it.

 

Another thing about that night, is that things went totally different than I expected.

 

I was talking to this guy my cousin had introduced me to. We talked off and on. He was there for me when I was going through the whole stalker situation.

 

I'd be super stressed, and he'd make me laugh. So I was really fond of him.

 

He invited me down to see him. We were just supposed to relax and watch a movie.

I was really happy about it, because I just needed to get away.

 

I was really lonely, and still a bit scared about the stalker situation.

 

So anywho, I was super tired, exhausted really, when I made the 2 hour drive down to see him.

But I figured, that as soon as I got there, I'd watch a movie, talk, and sleep.

 

So when I'm on my way down, he asks me to pick him up from some place because something was going on with his car.

 

When I get there I have to wait forever on him to finish whatever he was doing.

 

When we get to the house there are like 7 guys there!!!! I was really pissed, because I was super tired.

And I was thinking, I would get to hang out and watch a movie, with just him, and there are all of these people there.

 

I didn't know anyone else in the city, except for my cousin. I called her a million times and she wouldn't answer her phone, even though it was on.

 

I knew I couldn't make the drive back because I was trying to keep myself from falling asleep on the way over.

 

So, I figured I'd just stay there until my cousin decided to answer her phone, but that never happened.

 

And so the story goes....

 

And looking back on it, the weird thing is that, in both situations things didn't go as planned.

I was told one thing and something else was going on.

 

Like I was told it'd just be him and I watching a movie, just the two of us.

 

And I get there, and it's an all-guy party.

 

So now, I don't trust anyone when it comes to certain things. I make sure I'm not in a bad situation.

I make sure I'm never in a situation where I'm stranded, or feel trapped.

 

I have to have directions when I'm going someplace, of how to get there and how to get back.

I don't let people drive me around.

I don't spend the night at anyone's house, even if I think that person is a friend.

 

I have to make sure that I'm in control when it comes to my own safety, because people will lie to you. And before you know it, it's too late.

 

So I'm really careful in that regard now.

 

And another mistake I think I made, was telling Ariel about the whole situation. I told her everything, the whole story, the week before I was raped.

 

I kind of think she used that to her advantage when it came to planning things.

I just think that I never should have told her.

 

But I thought she was my really close friend, and I loved her, and I trusted her, and I needed someone to talk too...and she was the one.

 

So, I've just picked the wrong people to trust. That's all.

 

I'm so sorry Gracelove It must have been a very frightening experience for you.

 

Ya, it was at the time. But I had a friend to talk to, a guy friend I was really close too.

 

I couldn't even drive home I was still out of it, so I had to pull over and sleep in a parking lot.

 

But, my friend S., was there for me. I talked to him. I was able to call him and let him know where I was sleeping. And then I called him when I woke up.

 

He was kind of like my angel, he was always there.

 

And then my cousin finally called me back, LOL! I didn't tell her anything at first, but then she started grilling the guy I went to see.

 

And he started telling her stuff, so then she called me all tense and panicky, wanting to know what was going on.

 

LOL! She always threatens to call my mother, that's how she gets me to talk, LOL!

 

Anywho, when I told her, she hit the roof. But, I just really didn't want any more drama at the point.

 

I mean, the stalking thing really exhausted me. After a year and a half of that, and moving, and court, I was just done.

 

Anywho, it was scary at the time, but later, I became pretty numb to it.

 

 

I agree with Greensleeves. It sounds truly frightening. I think you need to talk about this with a professional. From my experience with that hotline, none of the counselors would ever say "you were raped." They would simply listen and give you feedback and comfort you. They wouldn't tell you to do anything or feel anything or think anything that you didn't want to. As for your therapist, it's hard to tell whether she's uncomfortable talking about things with you, or if you're projecting that onto her. That's why I suggested you try to address this with her. If your tendency is to try to ignore conflict, I can understand why this would be difficult for you. I used to be the same way and learning to stand up for myself was part of the process of healing from what happened to me.

 

Good luck! Try to be extra special good to yourself this week.

 

Hey there!

 

You're so sweet! Thanks, I think I've been good to myself the past few days.

 

I've been thinking about it everyday now. But it's not like, some huge horrible thing like my rape was.

I'm not experiencing all of the crazy symptoms.

 

At most I just get a bit sad, or my stomach feels sick.

 

I certainly don't think a bunch of guys did something to me. At one point each of them kept pulling me in different rooms and locking me in there with them.

 

But they weren't violent towards me. And the other guys would start banging on the doors screaming for the guy in there to open it.

 

I must admit, around that time alcohol was my best friend. I was on the verge of becoming a little alchie (sp?) LOL!

 

So when I knew I'd be staying there for the night, and they offered me drinks...at first I said no, but after a while I went for it.

 

And I was having soooo much fun!!!

 

I was playing checkers, and pool, and dancing, LOL! So I was having a lot of fun before it all went south.

 

Which is probably why, I don't talk about it. Because if alcohol wasn't there, I think I would have been screwed. It would have been an even worse night for me.

Because before I started drinking, I was feeling very uncomfortable and a little scared.

 

But afterwards, I felt great!

 

So I think the guys were keeping checks and balances on each other.

 

It's just the owner of the house......

 

He was so nice. And....

 

I mean, I was having a lot of fun, and I was dancing in the mirror. I was feeling really happy.

 

And he was like, "stop dancing, stop dancing, you're making me want to do something to you, and I don't...just stop it."

 

I was so happy and in my own little world. At first he had that same nice tone, but then it got really aggrevated and firm, so I stopped.

 

And then later, we were alone, and I was talking up a storm, about everything under the sun.

 

I was relaxed, and happy, and tired, and then he did something, and I blacked out. And then I woke up sick.

 

I told myself that I didn't black out, because I had been so tired the night.

 

It wasn't like my rape, where I was wide awake, and then everything was bluring, and my arms and legs went numb, and my rapist started saying stuff to me.

 

It wasn't that.

 

That night was so different from the night I was raped. I mean, there are some similarities, but for the most part no.

 

And then the owner of the house gave off a nice vibe, you know.

 

He wasn't helpful when I was going through that whole ordeal in the bathroom.

He was really NOT helpful.

 

But before that, and in the morning, he was being nice.

 

It's like he'd be super nice, but every now and then he would get that other voice.

 

And this is going to sound super-stupid, but nice voices make me calm.

 

If someone is really good at pretending to be nice, I can't always tell if they are pretending.

 

I don't know, it's just one of those situations.

 

I mean, I called him and asked him, afterwards, if anything happened, and he said no.

 

But, I don't know if that was after my cousin threatened him or not.

 

Anywho, it doesn't matter. I'm pretty sure he did something, but I don't remember, so he's off the hook.

 

That's how I feel about it, in all honesty. So ya, if I were meant to remember, then I would.

 

I remember my other assault perfectly well. So ya, that's that.

 

I just don't know what is bothering me about the situation. Is it the, not being able to get an ambulance, or the black out part?

 

Because I remember talking, and then he left, and then he came back with a condom.

 

And I was still talking, about who knows what. And then he's sitting on my waist looking down at me.

I thought he was listening, and then he did something that stunned me and that was that..................

 

Whatever. I just don't think, it's something that should bother me really. I just think that whatever little feeling I'm having needs to go away.

 

That's it. The rest doesn't matter. Just this feeling I have, I just want it to subside.

 

It's not some big dramatic thing. It's just this little, tiny, nagging thing, and just won't shut up.

 

And it's really starting to annoy me.

 

P.s. I called that number. I asked the lady if I could just talk about rape, or if the number was for crisis only, and she said crisis only.

I wasn't feeling very emotional or panicky at the time, so that was that.

But thank you so much for giving me that number. When I'm having another one of those horrible nights, I'll definitely call.

 

---------------------------------------------------------------

 

Oh my gosh! I was in my room and I just had a thought!!!!

 

Okay, the thing the guy did, that "shocked me", was that he fingered me. I was talking and in my own little world, so I didn't see it coming.

 

I didn't want to say it before, but oh well.

 

But my thought is, could that be that thing that's bothering me?! That he fingered me without permission?!

 

Could that be it?

 

I mean, if so, that's pretty minor.

 

When he did it, at first I was shocked. I was like (thinking), "Oh my gosh, what was that?!!!"

But then he I realized what it was, I relaxed and immediately blacked out.

 

So anywho, I was just thinking. If that is what's bothering me, then it should be pretty easy to get over.

 

I mean, I could totally forgive him for that. And I could talk to my therapist about why something like that might bother me on a subconscious level.

 

It doesn't have to be some big major thing. I could just be feeling weird about that one little part.

 

So ya.

 

I think this might be the key to my problem. I think I've made some progress.

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Wow, that's a lot of information. I agree with Trooper that there are a lot of issues that you can work on relating to what happened that night. There's the fact that you were put in a situation where you felt out of control and unsafe, so there's the possibility you had a panic attack. There's the fact that you were drinking, so there's the possibility that you may have passed out from the alcohol. There's the fact that you were very tired, and so there's the possibility that you may have passed out due to exhaustion. Then there's the memory of being "fingered". That is sexual assault if you didn't consent to it. So please don't take it lightly. Again, I really recommend that you talk to a professional counselor or therapist. There's a lot that happened that you need to work through, whether you were raped or not.

 

I'm really glad you tried the hotline. I've called when I've needed to talk and it hasn't been a crisis, so I'm not sure why you were told you could only talk to someone if you were in crisis. Maybe it's because they thought you just wanted to chat. You need to tell them you need to talk because you're having lots of upsetting memories that you don't know how to process on your own. You ARE in crisis right now. You're having intrusive memories and physical disturbances, both of which are PTSD symptoms. How about if you call the hotline again and say something like, "I'm having PTSD symptoms from something that happened to me...I'm not sure if I was raped or not, but I need to talk to a counselor."

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LOL!!!!!! You're right, that is a TON of information, LOL!!!!

 

Oh my gosh, you wouldn't believe it! When I turned in the report of my rape, it was like 57 pages long!!! LOL!!!

 

Anywho, ya, that's exactly what I've thought for all of this time. I thought I blacked out because I was soooooo tired.

 

Because I used be be a really heavy drinker, and I never passed out. I would drink straight vodak, or straight rum (lots of it), and never, ever passed out.

 

So I really feel/felt it was because I was sooooo tired.

 

And you know what? I didn't consider him fingering me to be sexual assault at all.

And last night, I was laying down upstairs, and the movie, "Crash" came into my head.

 

Have you seen that movie?

 

Anywho, the lady referred to it as being, "finger-f*cked". And in the movie it was really traumatic for her. And then, on screen, it looked pretty traumatic.

 

And that's what made me think that maybe him fingering me, is what bothered me.

 

Anywho, maybe I should call them and say I'm in crisis. But I feel so dry right now.

And everything in me wants me to make this, not a big deal, right now.

 

I just don't want to think about it anymore.

 

I've even been thinking about deleting this thread.

 

It felt good getting it off my chest. But now it's making me feel more and more uncomfortable.

Especially since I'm thinking about it, like every day now.

 

I don't know.

 

But thank you for all of your support, you're super helpful, as always.

 

~Grace

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Wow, I can't imagine having to give a 57 page deposition. Good for you, though!

 

I loved Crash! Great movie. Yes, that scene was very difficult to watch.

 

You're sounding better. I'm glad it helped to talk. Please don't delete the thread. I think it might help others. But if you're too uncomfortable with it, we understand.

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Hey There Stella!!!!

 

How was your day today?! I hope it went well.

 

If this thread will help others, I'll resist the urge to delete it.

I don't know, the whole thing is just super embarrassing for me. But hey, such is life.

 

I know, sooo long, LOL! I feel sorry for the detective who had to read it. Poor thing.

 

I was thinking today, that maybe I'm just not busy enough.

 

When I worked in another department I had a lot of people my age, to be close with. So it made a huge difference.

 

Now I'm in a department where everyone is much older than me (in their 50's and 60's). I have good relationships with them now, but very different of course.

 

And the worst part is that my boss doesn't want me chatting with the ladies anymore!!!

 

She says they chat a lot, and she has been trying to get them to stop, so she doesn't want me to join in!

 

What am I supposed to do?! I have to talk to someone. That's how you make friends, and develop relationships.

How is work supposed to be any fun if you can't talk? You spend 8 hours of your life there, on a daily basis, it shouldn't be bland.

 

And she seems intimidated by the other woman, so as far as I know she hasn't told them to stop chatting with each other.

 

Anywho, I think that's why I've been kind of depressed lately.

 

I need some kind of excitement in my life. Right now all I do is work. I go out with my friends sometimes, but usually to a movie or something.

 

So my life is a little boring right now.

 

With this whole situation, I think I'll get over it soon. I'll always remember it of course. It's just one of those things. But I think it'll get better.

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My cousin and I were chatting on the phone today.

And she asked me why I hadn't worked out in a week. She said, "what happened", she knew something was up. So I told her I was feeling depressed.

And she said, "why?". After pretending not to hear her the first two times, I told her (on the 3rd "why"?), that I was feeling depressed about the T. thing.

And then she was like, oh, when you got drunk over there. And I was like, "I didn't just get drunk, other stuff happened. All of a sudden it just started bothering me".

So I'm ready to change the subject when she's like, "He said...." blah blah blah.

Do I care what "he" said? No, because he's a liar.

Anyway, why should what he says matter. He was just trying to protect himself because she was threatening to have him beaten up by a drug dealer, and thrown in jail.

Anywho, I HATE that.

Anyway, she wants me to tell her everything that happened. But I won't, because I'm entitled to my privacy.

She said back then, I told her everything was okay, etc. etc.

And I did, because she was livid, and I didn't want her causing any drama.

She was going to have her drug dealer ex boyfriend, have them beaten up. And then a cop who was infatuated with her for years, arrested them on rape.

I didn't need that headache. And when she's mad, there is no reasoning with her.

Anywho, I asked her later, he she would believe me, over anything he said.

She said yes, so that makes me feel better.

I mean, there's no way I would tell her everything that happened.

Besides, she would tell her husband, and he can be super evil.

After this happened, back then, I was driving into town to hang out with my cousin.

Do you know he called the guy. The guy that told me to come down, we were just going to watch a movie.

My cousin's husband called him, told him to call me, and tell me he's taking me out to the movies.

Her husband knew full well I wasn't going anywhere with that guy, I couldn't stand him by then.

Anywho, some things are best left between you and a therapist.

Anywho, it's just so frustrating. I feel frustrated.

But on a brighter note, I found a lady who may be the perfect therapist for me!!!!!

I'm really excited about that.

She has experiece in counseling for: Rape, domestic violence, PTSD, Anxiety, eating disorders, and more!!!

How exciting, that's what I've had to deal with. I feel so optimistic about it.

Anywho, I'm just frustrated.

Who cares what, "he says". Like what he says will be anything close to the truth.

Besides, he was downstairs passed out for most of the night, that little liar, grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!

So annoying.

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Ugh, sounds awful. I completely agree with you that some things are better left said with a therapist! So I'm glad you may have found someone that might be better for you. I've been really out of sorts this week. I think I need to talk to my therapist too. LOL

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