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I'm breaking down..advice please


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So it’s been almost 8 months since the break and sadly my heart stills belongs to him til this day and I hate myself for that. He cheated (and probably more than once I’m hearing) and that was devastating enough for me to walk away from the relationship no matter how hard it was. I have done all the things to keep myself busy…read, go out with friends, exercise and come on here for support, etc. Some days are good and some days are just so hard all I want to do it sleep all the time because that’s the only time I’m not thinking about it. Through the months we have kept in contact here and there (I know bad move on my part but what can I say I still love him)…..mostly him apologizing for his faults. He has expressed continuously that he has changed and wants to work things out and that he realizes now how much he really did love me. I want to believe him but I can’t bring myself to go back to him even though I love and miss him so much – I feel like I would be letting myself down. I am so confused with my feelings and what I want…. I mean I know what I want – I want to be with him and live my life with him if he didn’t cheat! I want to be able to trust him! I’m even embarrassed and ashamed to let my friends and family know that I’m still talking to him. I know that should be reason enough right there, but it’s hard work to let 8 years go. He was such a huge part of my life, I loved him and only him and we were so compatible on every level I can’t imagine feeling this way about anyone else. I haven’t met anyone yet…I don’t know why, maybe I’m not approachable because I’m sending out negative vibes because I’m down or something I don’t know…but this is also breaking down my self esteem because I fear that I will never find anyone! Please someone give me advice, support or experiences….I’m breaking down because I want to work it out with him and at the same time I’m scared that if I do and he really didn’t change then I’ll be back in the same hole but even more intense and most of all wasted more years with him. Do you all think that someone can really change their ways? Its been 8 months!! whats wrong with me? Is it normal that I'm still depressed and love him? Do you think that 8 yrs is worth saving?

 

Thanks for listening.

 

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You did what very few people can do - only the strongest. I can totally relate though. My ex and I were friends for 7 years and together for 2...it's very difficult to let go of a person that has been a part of your life for so long. It really is like dealing with the death of a close loved one. But no matter how much you spin it...you did the right thing. His cheating completely threw away any trust and I don't think that someone changes in 8 months, maybe never. The most likely situation that you need to keep in mind is that if you two got together things would be amazing, unbelievable...until things start getting comfortable again. He wins you back and things are going along fine and then he cheats again and the pain is real all over again.

 

The bottomline is that he ruined the most delicate yet important thing in a relationship and that is trust between two people. Love is a huge element, but it is meaningless without trust.

 

Have you considered starting to date around a little bit? It really helped me take my ex off of the pedestal and showed me that there are in fact some other really great people out there that are worthy of my love and time.

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thanks i win--

 

You nailed it....Love is a huge element, but it is meaningless without trust! so true. I have so much anger towards him sometimes that he threw away all those years that we built together! But yet I love him still, i guess its the person that i thought he was. No i havent dated any guys and i dont understand why. I want too but the oppurtunity never happens to me. I've been out many places and still nothing! It's funny becuase when i was with him i had guys hitting on me when we would be out together! Now nothing! I dont get it! its really lowering my self esteem =( But thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it. I hope you are taking care of yourself as well.

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thanks i win--

It's funny becuase when i was with him i had guys hitting on me when we would be out together! Now nothing! I dont get it! its really lowering my self esteem =( But thanks for the advice, i really appreciate it. I hope you are taking care of yourself as well.

 

Because people most definitely sense this! When you were out with him you were probably having fun and happy and cheerful. Now you go out and are still in your "funk" from the breakup. This probably comes off as being "pissy" or "unavailable" to guys that see you out. The spunk you had is what radiated others to come to you.

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goodkarma, I know how you feel about losing trust. My STBX had an affair, regretted, but has not said he wants back. He's been out an about with the OW, they soooo love each other, blah, blah. Are you hearing that he cheated through most of your relationship? Not being judgemental, but a lot of the advise you get are those people's opinions, as well as mine is my opinion. I don't know full well your situation, Please check out link removed - there's a lot of heartfelt advise on that site, from the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse, the other person, etc. Go to the Healing Library and read the FAQs - some really great reading material to open your heart whether reconciling or not. Whatever you decide, make sure you take the time to heal, and you will heal - you're still young and have a lot of opportunities ahead of you. I'm 48, not so young, but still have a lot of opportunities ahead!! Take care.

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Thanks i_win and lexy50 for the advice. I am in such a state of confusion with everything in my life right now. Becuase of this situation I feel like i want to move to another city and start fresh...I really dont want to but I dont know what else to do. I feel like I'm on a stand still and life is passing by right in front of me. Anyways, thanks again for taking the time to read my post and I will definatly check out that website. They really help give me hope.

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