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Day 38 today of NC


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Reminds me of one of my favorite songs...

 

Use to the Pain

 

At 6 am ... alarm goes off

I reach where you no longer lie but don't feel quite as lost

Everyday.... I drive my truck ...

A little farther into work before your memory catches up

Radio On ... I'm not afraid ...

I can listen to most any song the DJ wants to play

Slow but sure ... I'm coming around ...

No I'm not looking back, Im moving on Now

 

But I won't go so far as to say that I'm fine

Too much of what I felt for you remains...

I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time ...

but the truth is I really can't say ...

If I'm gettin' better or just use to the pain...

 

End of the day...I head back home ...

I have a bite to eat then sit down in the living room alone

Easy chair ... Watch TV...

Halfway through the news I'm soundly sleeping

 

But I won't go so far as to say that I'm fine

Too much of what I felt for you remains...

I'd like to believe in the healing hands of time ...

but the truth is I really can't say ...

If I'm gettin' better or just use to the pain...

 

....

 

In time you will either get better or use to it. I guess it's good either way...Stay the course.

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I keep blowing it. I write a poem, a note...

 

I am determined to live through the pain and be stronger, and be there with a net when the bottom falls out of the rebound.

 

The pain is intense, the depression has eased but not the crying.

 

Do u send the poem/note to her?

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It has also been very hard for me. In 3 months or so, the longest that I've held NC is 11 days. Then 5 days or so of contact then make another run at it. Ever time she has contacted me I've let her in.. What a hard way to go. Each time her BPD... which of course she doen't have.. Comes forward and is more clear. Still, the hurt and pain I put myself through is so stupid.

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i'm at day 10, but i really want to break it as we speak. i just want to see how things would go if i just said hi. i know it's a bad idea... i've been wallowing and whining to all of you wonderfully patient people since the break up.... i've been reading what everyone says and some days it is easier, but some.... i really want to just try to say hi!:sad:

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i'm at day 10, but i really want to break it as we speak. i just want to see how things would go if i just said hi. i know it's a bad idea... i've been wallowing and whining to all of you wonderfully patient people since the break up.... i've been reading what everyone says and some days it is easier, but some.... i really want to just try to say hi!

 

same here and its been over 5 weeks. Seems it is not getting easier as everyone says time heals. It takes a lot more than time to heal i am finding out.

What good will it do me if I contact her? It will only break my heart even more to hear her voice or to know that she is over me or with someone or does not want to hear from me.

I just need to forget she ever existed as of now and hopefully soon I will be able to think of her and our times with a pleasant feeling.

Don't contact him. It is too soon and you still need a lot of time to not hurt. If they contact us, then we can make a choice on our terms. We need to take control. That is what I don't have right now.

Good Luck

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i told him i just wanted to say hi. we didn't really talk about anything, i sent him a link to an article... i didn't want to say the wrong thing, but i wanted to offer up the olive branch. he volunteered that he is having kind of a personal crisis. i tried to be supportive, but not ask too many questions. then he said he had to go. (i think he really did have to go, this was in the middle of the afternoon.)

 

i felt a little relieved that i just tried to show him i do want to be friends, eventually, and that my emotions are under control (whereas when we broke up, i was all over the place). i guess i accomplished that. if he really is having a hard time (which i believe), i think i could be his friend. i also think he won't contact me now.

 

tonight, i see that be blocked me from im. it hurt a little, but maybe he's not ready to be friends. so many maybes in a break up! i have spent a lot of the past month reading the forums (and to every single poster, i am so thankful!), so i know and believe that there are just a lot of feelings for both people when it ends. maybe i even got here before he did - which is something i don't know if i would have believed a month ago. i just hope that we both can grow as individuals to be the people we need to become, on our own. that's really what i want now.

 

i won't lie to any of you -- it's still recent, and he was the biggest part of my life for four years, so part of me wishes maybe we could end up together in the future (healthy, clean slate)... but i just don't think that's really possible. i waited for him once before and in starting again with him, i lost sight of myself. if it happens or it doesn't, i won't make that mistake again. that's a really, really valuable lesson for me to have learned from my relationship with him. in some ways, the break up is scary, but like this chance for me to get back the me that i lost... that i never would have looked for again if we had just gotten married.

 

i guess i am relieved that i did put the peace offering out there... i feel like *i* needed to do that because i do love him (even if we are never together) and especially if he is in crisis, i don't want to make things more dramatic than they have to be. i needed to have a different ending than there had been. things before the nc ended on an emotional high note... and more my emotional high note, so i think i HAD to break the nc in order to resolve that. i'm not going to contact him again any time that i can see in the near future. i put the friendly, neutral contact out there. i'm really proud of myself for that. if in the history of time, it leads to nothing more than this... i'm still proud of myself because it's the first real step toward moving on that i've taken.

 

i bought a really pretty journal tonight... i think i'm going to try and focus my thoughts and my experience for me. i have no idea what to write... and i'm still not sure what i'm going to do with my life now that i realize i have it back. but all in all, today was probably a good day.

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