Jump to content

Wife got drunk, cheated. Should I be Angry?


DiamondBack

Recommended Posts

So, my wife of three years was working out of town last month. She was hanging out with some old friends, partying and drinking and ended up "messing around" (her words) with someone. I probably would not have found out but she is now pregnant. It might be mine, it might be his.

 

She insists that it was a one-time, drunk, stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right? I should tell her to get out. That's what happens on TV. But, I do not want to. I still love her and I find myself wondering what I did wrong to drive her to another man. The whole thing is completely out of character for her. I mean, she is usually pretty staid and controlled. I have actually tried to get her to loosen up a little and have a little fun but she would always resist me. Now this!

 

Obviously, now I do not trust her. Has she done it before? Will she do it again? Am I just a pansy, wimpy push over? Am I an idiot? Even now, I do not want to hurt her. I feel like I have somehow been a bad husband and I owe her a second chance. In the end, it is my decision. But, I do not have anyone I can talk to about this and I would love to hear from others who have dealt with the same thing. I feel like such a looser.

Thanks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I just don't know how to feel. I should be angry, right?

 

Hi and welcome to enotalone. Yes- you should be angry. I think just about anyone would in this situation.

 

Has she apologized for her actions? Did she state "Why" she did it?

 

From you post it does not sound like she has taken much responsibility for this.

 

You have a lot of decisions to make. When the baby is born you should demand a paternity test.

 

Also, does the other man know that she is pregnant?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think it would be a bad sign if you weren't angry or hurt. I also understand why it is so hurtful that she can't lossen up and be open with you but has no issues when she is drunk and with a stranger.

 

I really just could not tolerate cheating because forgiving them almost verifies that they can get away with it and I just couldn't ever trust that person again. I have enough self control even when drunk, I need someone that is on the same page.

 

For better or for worse though, right? If she wasn't pregnant I would want out of the relationship. There is no need for harsh words or arguments...but just simply state that I need and deserve something better. You forgive her, but can't continue on.

 

Pregnancy definitely puts a spin on things, but I still would stick to my original judgement and move on, get tests to see if it is your child. If it is, then take responsibility for him/her. If it isn't then walk away and let the guy who she messed around with take responsibility for his child. Hope that night was worth it

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Yeah I'd be angry. Stop blaming yourself. She's an adult and she made a decision to cheat.

 

I agree with Bella, she doesn't sound she's taken much responsibility for this. Is this the first time it's happened? Maybe. Maybe not. Do you think she would have told you if she wasn't pregnant?

 

I don't believe that alcohol is ever an excuse for bad behavior.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

First of all sorry about your situation.

 

Secondly look at the evidence, had she cheated and knew it was a mistake and told you right away thatd look better. She waited a month to tell you or for you to find out. Whatever happened to make you know happened a month too late. And her excuse 'I was drunk' is the most used cheating excuse. Rob a bank and then tell the officer it was a mistake because you were drunk and then see how much sympathy he has for you. He'll probably nab you for drinking and driving AND robbing a bank.

 

She has no respect for you. You are acting like a push-over. Looking for reasons for it to be your fault when your wife is at fault. You didnt give any background on how you treated her bad to want to stray. Anyways a good wife would communicate those problems and not stray.

 

Kick her to the curb dude and get all the evidence you can of her infidelity. Your divorce lawyer will love you for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are not any of these. The reason you don't want to kick her out is because you love her, there is nothing you can do about your feelings. What you have to do is take a step back and ask yourself if you can get through this. The ball is in your court and if you decide to stay then you need to set some ground rules for her and seek counseling. She was wrong and you can't let her blame alcohol for her actions. How many times have you been drunk and had options but never gave in, I know I have had tons in past relationships. Don't beat yourself up.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey, it sounds like you're beating yourself up about this. Don't do that, there's no reason to. What she did was very wrong and betraying of your trust - it has nothing to do with you. The fact that she also didn't tell you, and you found out because she is pregnant, is much worse.

 

I've been cheated on with the only one I've loved and it hurt like hell but I still didn't want to let her go, so I know how tough it can be to be in that spot.

 

I think you should let your wife have it a little - let her know what she did is not okay, especially not telling you. don't let her take you for granted. and see if there is anything underlying.. does she have feelings for another guy, does she drink to escape feeling bad herself, or was it, as she said simply a drunken mistake? there is usually something underlying that, most people don't drunkenly cheat just cause they were 'stupid'.

 

it's hard to know where to go after cheating - since it is such a huge betrayal of trust it's hard to repair a relationship after that. maybe go on a break, give each other some space - and see how she reacts too - if she seems sincerely apologetic, like it was the most terrible thing and she only wants to be with you, give her another chance perhaps. but if she seems to shrug it off and not give two sh*ts, i don't know if you're getting the love you deserve.

 

hope that helped!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Wow, she has not taken responsibility for her actions...which compounds the cheating problem. She trivializes it by calling it "messing around"...well, clearly she did more than just "mess around" she had full blown sex with him because she doesn't know who the father of her baby is. She blames it on alcohol...well that's a classic "I slept with someone and got myself into a jam, how do I get out of it" excuse. You may love her but she has completely disrespected you by cheating and now she is disrespecting you by trivializing it and not taking full responsibility. If you don't show her that there are consequences to the relationship in some way then she will further disrespect you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's funny you should say that. I have thought of that but then it occurs to me that might have caused the problem in the first place. Remember, she had been out of town on business. I'm not sure a break would help.

 

Out of town on business is not a break...it is not an excuse to cheat. Even going on a break because of infidelity is not an excuse to continue sleeping with other men. Going on a break is for her to understand that cheating is wrong, hurtful and has dire consequences to the relationship. If she takes it as an excuse to have more sex with other men then this relationship can't be salvaged.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Has she apologized for her actions? Did she state "Why" she did it?

 

Thanks for your reply. She has apologized, emphatically. She has said she is very sorry. She actually wrote me a note because she was too ashamed to tell me in person. We have since talked about it and says it was because she was drunk. The more I think about it, the harder that is to swallow. I have seen her drunk. It does not turn her into a nympho, at least not with me.

 

As for the other guy, I would just as soon she never contact him again. But, we will at least wait until we can confirm the paternity.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey OP,

 

Sorry to hear this. I know FIRST HAND what this feels like and I would suggest that you do the same thing that I did.

 

I was engaged to an absolute BEAUTY! She was a slimmer version of Salma Hayek. I was so in love.

 

Well she came to me and said that she was itching down there and I told her that she may have a yeast infection. I got her some medicine, a pregnancy test and it came up positive. She changed from that day forward.

 

After going to all the OBGYN appointments, seeing the baby for the first time in an ultrasound and even naming my soon to be daughter, she decided to tell me 6 months into the pregnancy that she was drunk at a party and the baby might not be mine!

 

I sat there silent for about 5 minutes while she was crying and telling me that she loves me and that it was a drunken and stupid mistake. I finally spoke up to her and said "so you should call someone to come pick you up, I am finished with you!". I told her that once the baby is born that I want her to take a paternity test and if it was mine, I would fight for joint custody and take care of my child but I would NEVER be with her again.

 

The pain seemed almost unbearable but after a couple months I felt 1,000% better and have ZERO regrets.

 

After I broke up with her I did some investigation and found that she had been talking to this guy for about a month before she slept with him and she also had a secret relationship with him behind my back for the following 6 months of her pregnancy. I called him and told him what was going on and he apologized. He said that he was in love with her and had no idea that she was engaged. I wished him the best of luck and said that he should be careful because even though she really cheated on me, she was cheating on him as well.

 

Looking back at it, it was the best decision I could have made. The baby is not mine and I have found someone that I KNOW would never cheat on me.

 

I say, leave her. Get all the evidence that you can proving that she cheated on you and wipe her slate clean in the divorce. If the baby is yours, take care of it and love it.

 

Best of luck to you!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

So sorry to hear this very sad news. You could have not done anything to cause this. This is selfish and disrespectful behavoir on her part.

It is not your job to punish her or teach her a lesson. She knows right from wrong and just 3 years ago made vows to you that she abviously didn't mean.

Be angry, be hurt but don't let her selfish actions cause you to question yourself. She needs counseling to figure out what is wrong with her not what is wrong with you. I don't think she would have ever told you if she hadn't been pregnant. Keep that in mind.

Please go get tested for STD's since she didn't use any protection with the loser.

 

lost

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I sat there silent for about 5 minutes while she was crying and telling me that she loves me and that it was a drunken and stupid mistake. I finally spoke up to her and said "so you should call someone to come pick you up, I am finished with you!". I told her that once the baby is born that I want her to take a paternity test and if it was mine, I would fight for joint custody and take care of my child but I would NEVER be with her again.

 

 

I WISH I had done the same thing when this happened to me. only difference was GF of the time decided to have abortion which made things a whole less messy.

 

Other than that let met tell you what happens next......

 

She isn't sorry for what she did, she is sorry for herself because of the situation she is now in.

 

If you forgive her.... she breaths a sigh of relief and gets over the whole thing one whole hell of a lot quicker than you will my friend. Plus the chances that she will do it again to YOU, are high because she learned nothing from the situation.

 

If you finish with her she will always remember the pain that infidelity causes and you will always be her loss.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Quite a few good posts here and not much more to add. However, I agree with CAB and I_win about being drunk isn't an excuse. You said yourself that you've seen her like this in the past and it seems out of character for her. If this is indeed bothering you, then you need to find out why she did it; get the real reason and be up front that "I don't know" or "I was drunk" are not acceptable answers. As for the child, well, you do need to know if it's yours or not, for ethical reasons as well as possible medical ones down the road. At least she had the gumption to tell you about it, there are quite a few fathers out there that have no idea.

 

However, she may indeed be sorry about what she has done, but once Pandora's box is open, it simply can't be shut. You now have to ask yourself the question if you can live with this even if the baby is yours. If it isn't that will be a constant reminder about her indescretion every time you look at junior. And that at least for a time she tried to hide it from you to save her own skin. Sorry to be so depressing but it is the reality of the situation.

 

I wish you luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'd be furious.

 

Honestly, this is a deal-breaker.

 

I would walk. If it turns out to be yours, get joint custody or full custody, and be the best father that you can be.

 

Don't feel obligated to stay with a cheater.

 

Remember the vows you took when you were married?

 

She broke them.

 

I would walk.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Only you can decide what your willing to work through. Recognize that this situation will require a lot of work on your part, regardless of decision you make.

 

I am not a person who believes everything is black and white. Each situation and relationship is unique and has its own recourse. We can't tell much about your wife. You didn't share that much and not sure you would be able to. I am sure she feels awful about this whole thing.

 

You can try to work through this. You will need to be prepared for a challenging time. Especially until paternity is cleared up. That could make things so difficult. Not many people have the ability to get past this. I notice that on this forum many people will tell you to just dump her and move along. I don't think its that easy. You still love this woman. You dont like what she did. You don't like her behavior... but it would appear you still love her. That doesn't simply shut off. If it did, then you really didn't love her.

 

You are NOT A LOSER, if you decide to work past this incident. If anything it makes you a bigger man for at least being willing to work with a woman you claimed to have loved.

 

You need to really evaluate the why this happened.... alcohol is an influencer but there is something underlying about what happened. And it will take work to figure that one out.

 

I wouldn't recommend going through this alone. Find a good marriage counselor and both of you get in there and talk. Communicate. Even if you end up deciding that the marriage can't move along, at least you will feel you gave it your all. You tried.

 

You need to also keep in mind how you are going to respond if the baby is not yours. Some states will assign paternity to you, regardless of if you aren't biologically connected, because you are married. You should at least consult with an attorney to find out consequences for any decision you make.

 

I wish you the best of luck. Try to make decisions with a clear head and not based on emotional influence. You will choose the right path for yourself.

 

Good luck.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Not sure what to add here. Sorry that this has happened. Certainly not an easy one to deal with. Not sure if speaking to this guy is going to help any. I doubt that he's a reliable source for the truth so I think that you will only get more confused speaking with him. In regards to trusting her again and wondering if she's done this before and things like that, you may never but if you want to try and work things out I think that you should. If it was me in your shoes, I would insist on getting tested to find out who the father is. One question I feel that I'd be asking myself if I were in your situation would be "Would she have told me about this if she wasn't pregnant?"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

YOU HAVE EVRERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY as hell. A few things to consider though is that she did tell you even though she was out of town and you probabley would have never known. Does she feel badly? I broke up with a guy a few years ago and we were broke up for weeks but we were still in contact. I drank ALOT one night and a friend was trying to set me up with this guy and I was great all night until at the end of night I realized he was staying at my friends with me. I was too drunk to care then and we did not sleep together but fooled around I felt horrible the next day and blurted it out to my ex the moment he called. I felt horrible and we had broken up because he had a profile on a dating website!! She will be willing to do ANYTHING to make things right!! I even contacted the guy and had him relay the whole story back to me so that my ex would know everything I told him was true. Woman who really want to cheat are really good at hiding it and never tell. You are right there is something going on in the marriage if she did this. Make sure she knows you really are IN LOVE with her and that you think she is beautiful and sexy and intelligent and from there begin to rebuild the trust in baby steps.Good Luck

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...