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Long Term Affairs


IphigeniaSaysHi
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this ...
What To Do If They Cheat - Do this First

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I find it an interesting situation when you hear about people who have been cheating with the same person for years. My aunt was single and with a married man for more than 20 years!! We all knew he had a wife and kids, but loved him anyway. I was really little and didn't get it.

 

Her case is extreme, but when someone cheats with a person for years it seems probable that the spouse knows and is just accepting it. I know people stay with cheaters sometimes because of financial or child situations, and it's hard just to uproot.

 

Cases where the spouse doesn't know their SO has been with someone else for years are really weird to me. It's scary to think something that big could be going on behind your back and you would have no clue.

 

I mean, some OM/OW relationships go on almost as long as your marriage! That is a solid relationship; more than a fling or a string of infidelities!

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My aunt has been having an affair with the same man for at least 10 years (maybe more, I just don't know). We're not close at all, so I'm not sure whether or not the wife knows about it. I'm also not sure whether my aunt wants him to get divorced or not. My guess is that the wife has to at least suspect something, and I suspect she is in denial. I still feel terrible for her - doesn't she deserve better? I suppose she'd rather have half her husband than not at all, but that sounds like low self-esteem to me. I REALLY REALLY disapprove of what my aunt is doing.

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Every single adult member of my father's side of the family, blood or law, has cheated on their partner; with the exception of myself and my mother. This family is deeply messed up. We couldn't disown her because she's just doing what everyone else did.

 

That's why I'm so paranoid about being cheated on.

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Well most of my dad's family (my mother has no family) are terrible people in general, I think they were parented poorly. They lie, cheat, steal, do drugs, loaf off of the government, all that fun stuff. I am the only one who has gone to college and made anything of myself. I haven't cheated or done drugs. So it is tough.

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Not exactly, and especially not to the extent that my family is. I was just talking about them in reference to "disowning" a cheating family member.

 

I certainly don't think cheaters are good people, but we all do slip up. It just depends on the situation. Good people can make mistakes, but not 10 year affair mistakes!

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It's my opinion that men or women who are comfortable with being the 'other' person do not believe themselves worthy of sustaining a real, ie, pointed relationship. When I say pointed, I mean one that's going somewhere. The shocking thing about these liaisons is that the ultimate result is wasted time. Don't we all want something out romance? It doesn't exist in and of itself. It's a means to an end, be that love or happiness or a family. Being the 'other' will only ever be that - it's static.

 

Perhaps a fear of true intimacy or fear or change or, really, any number of things... What it does do is protect a person from becoming really involved with someone, someone who will help them be who -they- are... Rather than an affair.

 

Maybe that is the definition they want... The clandestine thing. For what it's worth, I suppose it is an identity of sorts.

 

People have the capacity to move on from this sort of relationship. That much I do believe... The once a cheater always a cheater line doesn't always hold true. Often it does, but not always. You can tell who the permanent cheats are, generally speaking.

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I just don't get it-

If you don't love your spouse anymore- Set them free instead of forcing them to watch as you devote your love and energies towards another person. (Or suffer silently if they don't know)

 

And for the single person in the affair, why would you want to be strung along, knowing this person doesn't love you enough to leave their partner ? - That's pretty insulting.

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That's a different way to think of it. I think we usually take cheaters for scammers with no hearts. But I guess you might feel lonely and hurt in your relationship and want to find love.

 

Either way, it just takes maturity and insight to do the right thing.

 

I just couldn't handle knowing I had been played like that for so long! It's so heartbreaking.

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The majority of the time I think people do know- what gets in the way are the following-

 

1. They know something is up by don't want to bring it up/afraid to confront or accuse

 

2. They are in total denial thinking it won't/can't happen to them

 

3. Knowing entirely what's happening but ignoring it for the sake of either:

Kids, money, investments, not wanting to seem like a "failure", they just don't care anymore, or just choose to turn a blind eye to avoid the pain.

 

4. Fear of being alone or going through divorce

 

5. They really love the person & want to stay together even if they are grossly mistreated.

 

But if you have been married long enough, you can tell when a dynamic has changed or when your spouse if acting differently, hiding things, etc.

Honestly, so many people think they are being sly/coy when they have an affair but they usually don't cover their tracks very well and are sloppy and the spouse at the VERY least has a suspicion. I tend to find the spouse usually finds out since typically their intelligence has been underestimated.

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That is exactly my point! haha thanks

 

It seems really strange. You can't tell the person is spending their life and giving their love to someone else entirely? Scary to me- because it could be me. Maybe the signs are shielded when you think you're in a good relationship?

 

Either that or some spouses dont want to face the truth and continue on as if nothing is happening.

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My husband had an affair for a year and a half.

 

Now thats not much but considering we were married only 3 years...thats one half of our marriage and who knows how long it would go if I hadn't found out.

 

Did u notice something was wrong from the beginning of the affair?

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No.Not at all.

 

It took me one year to realize something was wrong,and a few months of realizing what it is and then 2 months of silently putting up with it till I confronted him.

 

I know,it was very weak but....

 

Me too. I didn't see the signs, because I wasn't looking for any. He also worked out of town, and his hobby was also in a different town. We lived in a really small town that offered nothing. So, it didn't send up any red flags. Plus it's not like I could go check up on him.

 

My ex had three affairs, but only one lasted very long.

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No.Not at all.

 

It took me one year to realize something was wrong,and a few months of realizing what it is and then 2 months of silently putting up with it till I confronted him.

 

I know,it was very weak but....

 

Knowing but being silent about it must've been so hard on you.

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Many of us with spouses who cheated for many years are not stupid or in denial, we have a spouse who is a liar who hid their deceit very well.

 

Stating that a spouse knows or is in denial is just too broad a brush and shifts a kind of blame on the betrayed person that I do not think is warranted most of the time.

 

Sadly, it is just too easy for a person to deceive their spouse and cheat.

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