How should I tell my depressed suicidal mom that she ruined my life?

[relm]

I have come to realize that my elderly widow mom has severe issues of extreme anxiety attacks, suicidal behavior, emotional tantrums, etc. Since this extreme emotional instability was part of my childhood development, it has played a huge role in who I am now as an adult and how I relate (or fail to relate) to people. Namely, my inability to function socially, extreme shyness, no dating despite all the desires, etc. My mom is becoming more and more domineering and pushy and doesn't respond to my boundaries so I am getting more and more evasive rather than assertive. She scares me because I have suicide in my family and am myself depressed so I've seen the look of crazed intense emotions many times while growing up and this fear of what could (and might) happen prevents me from confronting her. What do you think I should do…just take it like a man, continue disassociating, or confront her? If so, please tell me how!

 

Thank you.

[Seraphim]

Maybe get some counselling about how YOU feel?

[DN]

How will it help you by telling her that - and how much damage could it do to someone already depressed and suicidal?

 

Maybe get some counselling about how YOU feel?

I agree with Victoria66. This would perhaps be a better course for you to take.

[greywolf]

First of all, how about taking responsibility for your own life? Technically someone can't really ruin your life. Having said that, I think you need to do what's best for you. I think you could talk to her and tell her how you feel, but in a non-aggressive way.

[Seraphim]

The thing is parents are just people and they come to us with all their own experiences. She was probably a very abused person. As an adult YOU can decide how YOU want to be.

[A World Away]

Firstly, I don't think telling your Mum that she ruined your life would be the best step in the world. It will only make things worse than you already feel they are. It won't make you feel any better- no matter how much you want to tell her.

 

You mum appears to also have issues of her own. I know you feel you need someone to blame, but that's really not something you should be doing. Have you ever considered councilling or talking to someone for your own benefit? You seem very angry within yourself, and it is only when you have addressed things that you will be able to move on without it effecting your life.

[Syntax1985]

im with vicky and wolf ( but not the talking part wolf sry), i think you need to take responcibilty and get sort out how you feel.

[RandomAdvisor]

I can relate because I am in therapy right now partially because of issues I have from my childhood with my mother. Your mom sounds worse than mine, but my mom was basically totally inadequate to me as a mother and she neglected me a lot. One night she gave me up to ACS, and I slept in a group home thinking I would be put into foster care and never see my family again. Fortunately my dad came and got me.

 

If you think that talking to your mother is going to bring you any kind of closure - think again. If you even try to talk to her about these things, what kind of reaction do you expect to get from her? In all liklihood the defense mechanism are going to come up. She is going to deny everything, come up with excuses and rationalizations and explain how none of it is her fault, and in fact probably your fault.

 

And if she is remorseful for what she did to you, do you really think that will make you feel better? Bluntly - she sounds like a pathetic old woman. If she apologizes to you through tears and agrees that she is a bad person and wishes she had it all to do over again, you're probably going to be too busy feeling sorry for her to feel any better about yourself. Yes, you have your anger and issues at her justifiably, but she is still your mother.

 

Let me tell you something that my therapist told me once when I was ranting about how much I hate my mother.

 

You are fighting a ghost.

 

The woman who hurt you as a child because of her inability to be a good mother no longer exists. That woman was an omnipotent force in your life who could control everything. She has left you scarred but you are free of her now. She has transformed into a pathetic old wretch who doesn't have much time left on this earth. At some level she probably recognizes how badly she has messed up her life and yours, and at her age that is punishment enough.

 

Don't get me wrong. You should be looking for resolution to your feelings with your mother and what she has done to you. But you are looking in the wrong place. You will never find what you are looking for by speaking to your mother. She is incapable of giving it to you. You have to find it for yourself.

 

I would highly, highly recommend seeking out a therapist for your issues and what she has done to you. Also, you should check out a book called Toxic Parents.

 

link removed

 

I read it and it was very informative. Let me tell you one thing they start that book with - you DON'T have to forgive your mother for what she did to you. Yes, she had her problems that contributed to how she treated you but that's no excuse. You deserved better and she couldn't give it to you. Many people go around saying that you need to forgive in order to move on and that's just not true. I hope my post is helpful to you.

[babymend]

I cried when I read Your post RandomAdvisor; I can completely relate to the abandonment of a Mother that just couldn't be One. She was there but was not there... I too would be forgotten for hours at the After School teaching place when I was still in Kindergaden; I remember One day I just walked up to the cleaning lady for the Whole School and asked Her if I could live with Her, promised to help Her clean the School and told Her I wouldn't eat much if She took me in... She looked at me kind of shocked and told me She couldn't do that, so I had to sit back down on the Property steps and waited for Mother until whenever SHe felt like - or remembered to pick me up -, She always made sure to go the extra mile in letting me know How unwelcomed I was in Her life and She would seat me down on the dining room chair at my Father's House some times and tell me that I was found in the Trash and How supposedly She told my Dad to leave me there but that He was the One that insisted in picking me up and so, I ended up living with Them at Home, She would not stop telling me this until She would see me busting out crying and then She would laugh at me every time... Oh God, this was difficult for me to let out now, I have cried like I haven't cried in a long time typing these lines....... I really felt the lines of advise You just wrote on 10/21/2008 were meant for me, I can completely relate to the pain of a Toxic Parent, and I thank God that I am away from Her now....... Can You believe what She just had started to ask me whenever I called lately to say Hi??.... She asked me " Have You gotten any serious Illness yet, like Cancer or DIabetes??? You should already have some serious desease by now, You know ...." I completely stopped calling Her and I don't know if I ever will choose to talk to Her again... Her reasoning is that since I have "so much anger in me" , I "should" already have a condition in me by now....

My Husband calls Her and She is very nice to Him, but He did tell me that She advised Him to beat me up if He had a chance to do so",.... He was shocked and told Her He would never do that because He loves me!!!, just to give an idea How sick my Mother really is... By the way, She is very ill with Diabetes now, feels like SHe is dying every day in my Father's House and She says She doesn't care, SHe welcomes Death... Very tough situation and I know I can't get close to Her because I would get Hurt, and I just can't promise She won't feel my wrath, so I rather stay away.

And Yes, She suffered abandonement when She was a child, hates Women, and feels having a Girl for a Child is wasted time and space... How sad.

I myself will never have children, I know I can not be a fit mother, rather not bring someone else to this world to deal with my "Issues". My Husband supports How I feel; We have Doggies, They are so loving and have always been the perfect Therapy in my Life, this is How I make my Happiness happen. Thanks for listening.

[Smidgers]

Well I see that you posted your question three years ago, and I hope that you got some help. I hope that you got some counseling for yourself. At first reading your post, I wondered if you might be my daughter. Except for the fact that I'm not elderly, and also this past year I have tried backing off from my daughter and even though it breaks my heart that she doesn't want to be close, I have tried to give her space. So, when you said that "she has been more domineering and pushy" I thought, hmmm, doesn't completely sound like me. I love my daughter (and son) more than anything in the world, but my 19 yr. old has pulled away like no man's business. I WAS a depressed single mom raising them, and even though I got therapy and even took meds, I guess I was inappropriate with my depression, like blaming my daughter for things and for making me sad, when I should not have. I DO wish that I could go back and not do that. It's possible that that's why she doesn't care at all how I feel, and I don't know if she loves me. I guess it's time for meds again, because my mind goes to suicide ideation, and of course I battle that, as that would break the heart of my son, and who knows some day even my daughter. My life basically falls apart if there is a problem in the relationship with one of my children and myself. I don't want to "blame" her, and that's why I will go back on meds this week. I was off for ten years, and did very well, I thought. I was happy, and most of the time the kids seemed happy too. It's so hard being a parent.

I could bring my daughter to counseling, the two of us, so that I could apologize for my bad behaviour, and maybe I will. Maybe I won't, and I'll just let her do her thing and come back around if she ever wants to. In the meantime, I have to a)stay alive and b) function. I'm so sorry for you, if your mom is completely unaware of her actions and how they affected you. She must be a bit crazy, to not care about how her actions effected (affected?) you, and hopefully that will help you to let it go, in therapy. You can write well, and I hope that you found love. Now I have to run. I wanted to say more. God bless you, and I hope that you got therapy and can find a nice life for yourself.

At least maybe it can help you to know that some parents do regret the mistakes they made with their kids. Maybe you can visualize that your "real" mom, your mom without all her dysfunctions, would love you and embrace you and apologize and send healing love. I always think that that's what people are after they die; their true spirit, without their dysfunctions (addictions, weaknesses, sins) and just their goodness and lovingness.