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Kate9870

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Hello everyone. I am 28 and have been married for 4.5 yrs. I am very unsatisfied with our marriage because I feel like I am married to a platonic friend. Here is a little background info:

 

We met online & had a long distance (accross the country) relationship for 1.5 yrs before we were married. He would fly me out once a month & we would spend anywhere from a weekend to a month together. We didn't live together before our marriage.

 

I love sex & I am a very sexual person. When we first started dating he had an intense libido as well. He started a new (and stressful) career about a year before we were married and his sex drive plummeted. I foolishly thought that things would improve, but they never did. During the first year of our marriage we had sex 6 times. I promise that I am not exaggerating. He has initiated only a handful of times during our early relationship, and in recent years he hasn't initiated at all. We have sex about once every 6 weeks now. I have spoken to him about it, with much sensitivity, but he isn't receptive/responsive to the conversations.

 

He refuses to seek any type of treatment/therapy.

 

He has depression & anxiety issues, but refuses to see a therapist. He compromised by seeing his general physician & is now taking some meds. He also has anger management problems & has been emotionally abusive toward me. He has made noticeable efforts to control himself.

 

I just feel so trapped in a sexless marriage. I realize that the libido/erectile dysfunction & the depression/anxiety go hand in hand. But he refuses to acknowledge the problem. It has been difficult living with his untreated depression & hopefully the meds will have a positive effect--even without the therapy.

 

I feel like we have the same conversations over & over. He cries (which makes me fell AWFUL), promises to do x, y & z...but ultimately things always revert back to where they started. Where is the point that I say to myself: "OK, he isn't going to change. You are not happy. This isn't fair to either one of us. Move on."

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It's one of those hard things you need to decide to yourself, but personally and this may sound heartless; he needs to change jobs or it's over. It is his work that is making him like this right? If he's emotionally abusive to you that's an altogether issue. It sounds like this is over.

 

I mean, do you honestly think that things will go back to being good? People change and it sounds like he's changed too much. You can't change someone against their will. It's sad and I'm sorry because I'm sure this is one of the hardest things for you, but if he hasn't been changing after saying it, it's time to leave him. Sorry, but it's my honest opinion. He's a wreck right now.

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And it isn't so much that he's a wreck, but he's not making clear and concise steps to remedy the situation. I think if he's really going to change then you need to set ground rules even if it's small rules at first so that he can build up because it's virtually impossible to drastically change a human being in no time. If things don't work out, know that it was inevitable.

 

Good luck and Godsend.

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This is very hard because you have to give yourself permission to make a decision you know is good for you, but will cause him a lot of pain.

 

But depression is no excuse for him refusing to even try to get help for your marriage. He is entitled to feel what he wants, but if you are unhappy and don't have a normal sex life and he treats you badly, then he should agree to marriage counseling if he wants the marriage to last.

 

So my advice would be to tell him that he has two options right now: attend marriage counseling with you or you will leave and get a divorce. He needs to take your own needs seriously and recognize it is not his option to continue in this pattern.

 

If he attends counseling and it improves the marriage, fine, but you don't need to have a lifetime of deprivation or abuse just because he is happy with a marriage that is making you miserable.

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Thanks so much for all of the advice. I am going to bring up the couples therapy idea. We definitely need an unbiased outside person. I doubt that he will be receptive to it, but the only way to save our marriage is to make some big changes.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I'm also in a sexless marriage and have asked for a divorce. We've been married for 18 years and have four children. I don't even know if we've had sex 50 times during our marriage, and during the past two years, there's been nothing. My husband is wonderful man - kind and gentle, and I honestly don't want to hurt him.

 

My struggle is that, of course, my husband doesn't want a divorce. We're Christians, and you just don't do that. I struggle with this. I don't want to disobey God, and I don't want to hurt my children. But I also don't want to spend the next 20 years this way. And 18 years is long time. Over the years we've had our discussion and were always committed to making it better, but nothing changed. Now I want out, and now he really, really wants to work on it.

 

Has anyone else been through this?

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I think the answer here is counseling too... Having sex 50 times in 20 years is just not acceptable in a marriage, unless both people don't care about sex.

 

He may have a medical problem (hormone levels) or depression, or repression if he is religious and feels sex is 'bad', or even really be gay but repressing that idea because it doesn't mesh with his religious beliefs.

 

But the only way to try to fix this is counseling, to get to the bottom of this, and either re-kindle the sex drive, or accept that it is not a true marriage, more 'friends' living together.

 

So my suggestion would be to go to counseling, with the intent of helping him realize that a sexless marriage is not appropriate for either of you, and to help you transition to divorce if you've really made up your mind you want out and don't want to try. Couples counseling can help you work on the marriage, or transition out of it.

 

When i decided to divorce, I made sure my ex-husband was in counseling before we separated, so that he had emotional support besides myself. That might be the kindest thing to do if you are determined to leave. Start with couples counseling for a while to discuss the issues (and help him realize it won't work if you don't want to stay), and then transition to individual counseling for him and/or yourself to help you throughout the split.

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Thank you very much for the replies. Ours has never been an abusive relationship - just the opposite. My husband is very passive and has a lot of fear.

 

Over the years, we've talked about our sexual relationship, and I always thought our discussions were productive and honest, but nothing has changed.

 

Interestingly enough, I think that our decision in college to behave until we were married is what set this off. After that it was never the same.

 

Anyway, I don't mind counseling if it's to help us as individuals, but I've had enough of working on our physical relationship.

 

J.

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I had a relationship with a man once that started off with fantastic sex! Then he got depressed and we didn't have sex for five years! I finally left him and am now with a man who always makes the time to have wonderful sex with me and has for years now. They're out there honey, go find you one!

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