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Carmine

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it's all I can see. People, things, matter, energy...theyre all strings...vibrations, I can see them now. Iam me and I am not in this world. we are separate entitiles.

 

I was afraid earlier today...I knew something was wrong and by god are things wrong right now

 

But they will be better soon.

 

I should call my parents before this gets worse

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Oh, Carmine *Hugs*

 

I wish I knew you in real life. By your profile picture, you look so attractive, strong, manly, and genuine. And by your posts you sound so smart, level headed, and, frankly, an all around good guy.

 

Please call your parents and please try and feel better. What's got you down? Do you wanna talk about it? I thought you were feeling better lately.

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Carmine, man, I've kept tabs on your posts for a while now, and I've got to say that I wish I had another friend like you IRL. You're a BAMF, and while stuff seems to have you down right now, I'm confident that once you take another step away from the darkness inside you'll bounce right back.

 

Talk to your parents, a councilor on campus, or call a close friend, but don't keep the darkness inside. Filter it out through all the mess, and embrace the light once again.

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I was really angry at myself last night, so I drank a bit, took extra doses of my meds (since they make me really drowsy and numb), and just went on a night bike to the park ride until midnight. I made this post when I was starting to get out of my normal mindset.

 

Earlier today I started hearing voices again and it scared the hell out of me. I think I've quelled them for now though. Yesterday was a battle and I managed to win most of it, at the expense of some of my real life responsibilities (homework, workout), which I'll have to deal with today...fun.

 

Going to practice now, then class, then hopefully I can make up some lost sleep.

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Seriously, I've read some of your posts regarding your frustration at many things, and I can say I relate to you in so many ways... (i.e. I, too, used to be obese, used to be made fun of, and many other things you wrote that I swear I've gone through too, and I'm still kinda going through). I bet if I knew you in real life we'd get along very well. As people have said in this thread already, you sound like a really cool guy. Try to take a step back and breathe and realize you'll still have time to figure all of this out tomorrow. It's what I do every time I feel frustrated... Grab your guitar and start playing, that helps me too a lot too. Seriously, from the sounds of your posts it looks like you have lots of things going on in your life, and it'd be a damn shame to let so much talent/potential go to waste cause that's what you are, and that's what we all are: irreplaceable. There will never be another Carmine who thinks like you, who's brain makes the exact same machinations and with the same ideals, virtues, defects (which aren't so bad... they make us unique and you should learn to embrace them unless they get in the way you want to live your life), attitude or same way to have fun.

 

Hope you are doing well. Do keep us posted.

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Seriously, from the sounds of your posts it looks like you have lots of things going on in your life, and it'd be a damn shame to let so much talent/potential go to waste cause that's what you are, and that's what we all are: irreplaceable. There will never be another Carmine who thinks like you, who's brain makes the exact same machinations and with the same ideals, virtues, defects (which aren't so bad... they make us unique and you should learn to embrace them unless they get in the way you want to live your life), attitude or same way to have fun.

 

And who cares? So my unique brain, mind, and personality might be wasted. Big deal. In the end I'm just another person...a big lump of flesh like everyone else on this planet, and putting a bullet through that lump of flesh isn't going to mean anything, but it is going to ease this burden of pain and frustration that I'm made to feel.

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Wow.. Carmine... what's going on bro?

 

Can you please tell us what really is bothering you? Is it the girls? Is it any medical condition?

 

You are very good looking and your posts sound deep... I can't believe you have trouble with girls and most importantly I can't believe that I am now seeing a post of yours in Suicide section

 

Plz do take care man.... my prayers are with you.

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And who cares? So my unique brain, mind, and personality might be wasted. Big deal. In the end I'm just another person...a big lump of flesh like everyone else on this planet, and putting a bullet through that lump of flesh isn't going to mean anything, but it is going to ease this burden of pain and frustration that I'm made to feel.

 

You should care. You make an impact on this world just by being here. From far away we might look like ants. One dies, another one just like it will take it's place. But when you look up close, you know it's not at all like that. Maybe some people think it is so because every time you hear about death on the news, it's just reported as a statistic. But it is NOT. Think about the brothers and sisters and parents to those whose lives are lost. They certainly see the person as who they used to be and know they're irreplaceable. They don't see a statistic.

 

You sound like a brave person, you are able to get through this. We all go through highs and lows. I'm kind of on a low too right now. I recently have felt on a couple of occasions this emptiness on my chest that makes me not be able to, or maybe just not want to, breathe, and my head felt so heavy I kinda wish it'd be taken off my shoulders. It is indeed hard to overpower feelings like those.

 

I feel frustration at many things too, man. Probably similar things as you. Feel free to share with me what burdens you (if I don't get back to you immediately, I most definitively will first thing in the morning). I'm sure you have hopes, ambitions and goals. Please don't give up on those either.

 

I really hope you take care of yourself. Best wishes.

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  • 2 weeks later...

In a few days it will be done. The process has already been set in motion.

 

I've been putting this off for too long. None of you understand. You have no idea what's going on inside my head, through my eyes and ears. What I believe to be true changes on a daily basis. I can't believe or trust anything anymore. I'm convinced that this is hell, and that I must have lived a bad life prior to this one to be in this. I don't believe in a god that watches over us and influences our lives, but part of me tells me that a hell exists, one that constantly reminds unlucky individuals that we live in pure chaos where nothing is right or wrong, but there still seems to be endless forces restricting our freedom. It reminds us that we're merely a lucky and clever organization of organic molecules that happens to yield consciousness. We're not special...just matter.

 

In the end, hopefully I'll be nothing. If I'm lucky, there might be a better place, but I can settle for being nothing. This is merely natural selection functioning. I was born with this deficient mind that haunts me everywhere I go, so it's only natural for me to be killed off, putting one more individual with such a mind to rest.

 

I felt the need to come on here simply because it was the only outlet I had, until some time ago, and I now feel the desire to create some closure. Coming on here is completely pointless, but it satisfies me in some way.

 

This is the end, beautiful friend. This is the end, my only friend, the end. Of all elaborate plans, the end. Of everything that stands, the end. No safety or surprise, the end. I'll never look into your eyes again. Can you picture what we'll be, so limitless and free, desperately in need of some stranger's hand, in a desperate land.

 

Take me from these blasted lands that have concealed me for so long. Release me from these iron hands that have gripped my soul since it began. Take me from these desert lands from which I have spawned. Empty my head of this burning sand which has done me wrong. An angel came down once to greet me. She said she knew I had a gift. I took her hand and followed her, until she led me adrift. Well, I was betrayed by heaven that day, and dangled over hell. They find new ways to burn me every day, but they'll never finish me by the kill. They said the wronged will come to bear the burden. They promised they'd come to bear the burden. The wronged will come to bear the burden. They'll soon rise to bear the burden. So rise with me above these drifting sands, for something greater dwells beneath our feet. Your body is frozen among the sweltering heat. The world must realize that knowledge isn't light and light isn't knowledge, that darkness is only what we can't understand. And the wronged will come to bear the burden. Soon they'll come to bear the burden. The wronged will rise to bear the burden. Soon enough they'll bear your burden. The wronged will rise to bear the burden. Soon they'll know to bear your burden. We won't lie again to man, that he shall leave these blasted lands.

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