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To wait...try again or break up and move on?


stickman
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Many of you are hurting.

 

But take it from a person that has been on here twice because of breakups over the past many years, I can tell you that it does help at first to read and hear feedback from people on here....for a little while at least.

 

But then at some point YOU like me have to make a decision. Both times I think I did the right thing by moving on. Which at first feels like amputating a leg.

 

What I did learn is that NO CONTACT is the key no matter what!!! I waited. It gave me time to heal and think...and my ex time to think about life without me. Five months later, when I had already decided to move on, meet new woman ...sure enough...the ex wanted back in to my life. (Yes. It takes that long. Not two weeks. not 30 days. it takes months!)

 

Too Late?

 

Ask yourself....Why go back to what once was and what did not work when there is potential for a better new relationship...with all the firsts, hopes and romance that you once had at the beginning of the last one.

 

Should you go back?

 

That will be different for each person. (Because it can never be waht it was because what was did not work) How long was the relationship? Were you together long enough to share that many experiences? How old were you? What were your goals together and apart? What were your own expectations of the relationship? What caused the break up? Are they with someone else? Has enough time gone by for both parties to think about what it would take to make things work? (MONTHS!!) Can meaningful change ever occur? What could you or them live with or without? The possibilities are endless...But the time comes when you have to make a plan and DO something for yourself....and not just pine away...mope, cry and feel sorry for yourself.

 

There are too many lonely people out there. AND If they broke up with you, then they did you a big favor anyway! Find someone that likes you just the way you are. Each time, I found someone better than the last. And I learned to respect myself that much more.

 

Overall, stay busy...don't contact them...make a plan.....and live the plan. Better days are ahead. Time does heal all wounds.

 

I hope this helps.

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Scoe141

 

You really should think about NOT contacting your ex. At least for a little while. Again, it is better for you. Look....At first, it is going to be very very hard. I am not going to lie. And one or two days seems like forever. But if you set a goal and STAY busy, soon you will be too busy to worry about them and what THEY are doing.

 

I started to do things that "I" liked to do. Things that made ME happy. Thus, my mind was busy doing them and not focused on my ex. When I was happy people liked being around me more...Get the picture?

 

I suggest to every one to find a hobby...read books...play an instrument or perhaps learn to play one...walk...ride a bike...swim...lift weights...anything but listen music that makes us sad or watch TV. And set a time limit to mope!!! But get off your bums and move.

 

For me I learned that I am still the same person. I still make people laugh and most popel would like to be with a person that makes them laugh....much more than beauty....and money!

 

You control your own future happiness. You wait and grieve....or start now and set a goal to be happy.

 

"I may not be as good as I once was.....but I am better once then I ever was!!"

Live....and laugh....ha ha ha ha.

 

Life gets better! If you stay busy...you'll see that a year from now life IS better and you'll laugh at where you are now. Trust me.

 

I welcome your comments.

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I actually am back for a second time on here.

The first breakup was with my first love, and the second and most recent is with I girl who I still want to be with.

 

The strange thing is that in most of my relationships, I have been on the losing end of the stick in the breakup....a.k.a. Dumpee.

 

In almost every instance the girl has come back at some point in time....whether it be months to a year. I dont mean come back as in begging to get me back, but a form of contact started and I was in control of where it went.

 

I think that is the main thing....It only really happens when you are in control, and then you will have the choice to take them back or not.

It only really happened to me at the point when I had moved on.

There are so many cliches out there about this happening, but there is a reason there are cliches.

 

I am pretty upset about what is going on right now with me, but I do have that feeling that someday she will come back in one way or another....after I have moved on. I wish it was now, but it isn't. So I just have to go on.....and hopefully it is not to late for her when that time comes.

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It's the hope that keeps us hanging and it prolongs our healing. that is true in my case at the moment and after 9 weeks, i have been sucked back in to feeling crap by initiating LC. I know she needs more time, but for me, the hope is keeping me rooted to the same spot and the hurt is just continuing to fester like an open wound.

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I want her back so bad I can taste it. Been a 5-6 month rollercoaster. I have been a bit better but I think I am getting better at coping and being depressed. Honed denial to a fine art. Saw her with her rebound married old guy and felt great for 2 days, he is so NOT me, way out of shape, not handsome or engaging, nothing in common, still married.

 

Had a MAJOR panic last night, we have very light contact, a little back and forth occasionally. Sent her a short text last night and it came back.

I flipped out, she is leaving town soon for a few months and I thought she changed her cell, turns out it is still on... whoa, heart attack!

 

Tried dating- therapy- even a physciatrist, work shop on healing, read the entire WWW on rebounds, BPD, you name it. So I am smarter, better informed about relationships, but deeply rooted in love with this partner that slapped me out of her life.

 

Waiting for the pear-shaped explosion of the rebound maturing into the mess that it is.

 

Now, more from curiosity that false hope, I mean she hides this relationship from her friends, they hide out together... Where can it go?

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I

I like this post. I understand the panic that we sometimes feel when a relationship ends. I am in a form of NC right now, the reason I say "form" is because I prefer to think about it as something I control. Meaning I'm truly not interested in contacting, so it's not something I have to work at at this point.

 

It started off hard, but I've learned with past relationships that a lot of times we bring about the heartache to ourselves, by contacting, finding out what they are doing, giving up control over ourselves.

 

Whether or not him I will be in contact is not up to me at this point. I remind myself everyday, I know this is simple and I am not the original author but here goes "if someone can walk away from you, let them." It feels simple to me.

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Great posts from everyone.

 

In my life, I was the dumpee almost everytime for whatever reason. Yup...I read all the books...trying to figure out why...what to do...but in the end....I had to always do something to heal ME.

 

But at the core of every good relationship is mature communication. You must be able to communicate your feelings, thoughts, dreams, fantasies, goals and things that bother you.

 

Sometimes we do find that person that seems to fit us in many ways....and then....things happen. The wheels fall off...and whether we like it or not, they dump us...or we leave them. Either way it hurts.

 

But the sooner you figure out that you are still the great person that GOD made you and that you control how long to endure the pain the better and faster you will heal.

 

For me, time and staying very busy helped. Sure we can all change to suit that other person and their needs. But do you have to?

 

It's not being selfish....it's about knowing yourself. Sit down, and write it all out. Give the correct weight to everything....and every issue. EVEN THE SMALL STUFF. You may find that you were unhappy with living with the way THEY were and what THEY did and that unknowing made YOU unhappy...which then made them unhappy with you. Seriously.

 

I go back to the same thing over and over...you must stay busy...It's good for the body and the mind. "Idle hands are the devil's workshop"... Ever hear that?

 

My grandfather gave me some great advise about life without trying to do so.

He said: "Once you stop moving, you're done!"

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  • 8 years later...
Many of you are hurting.

 

But take it from a person that has been on here twice because of breakups over the past many years, I can tell you that it does help at first to read and hear feedback from people on here....for a little while at least.

 

But then at some point YOU like me have to make a decision. Both times I think I did the right thing by moving on. Which at first feels like amputating a leg.

 

What I did learn is that NO CONTACT is the key no matter what!!! I waited. It gave me time to heal and think...and my ex time to think about life without me. Five months later, when I had already decided to move on, meet new woman ...sure enough...the ex wanted back in to my life. (Yes. It takes that long. Not two weeks. not 30 days. it takes months!)

 

Too Late?

 

Ask yourself....Why go back to what once was and what did not work when there is potential for a better new relationship...with all the firsts, hopes and romance that you once had at the beginning of the last one.

 

Should you go back?

 

That will be different for each person. (Because it can never be waht it was because what was did not work) How long was the relationship? Were you together long enough to share that many experiences? How old were you? What were your goals together and apart? What were your own expectations of the relationship? What caused the break up? Are they with someone else? Has enough time gone by for both parties to think about what it would take to make things work? (MONTHS!!) Can meaningful change ever occur? What could you or them live with or without? The possibilities are endless...But the time comes when you have to make a plan and DO something for yourself....and not just pine away...mope, cry and feel sorry for yourself.

 

There are too many lonely people out there. AND If they broke up with you, then they did you a big favor anyway! Find someone that likes you just the way you are. Each time, I found someone better than the last. And I learned to respect myself that much more.

 

Overall, stay busy...don't contact them...make a plan.....and live the plan. Better days are ahead. Time does heal all wounds.

 

I hope this helps.

I know this is years old but want to put something here that is probably going to get me a lot of hate but that's ok. This advice is pretty solid and I agree with so much of it but I too have read almost every single last story on all the relationship forums and I feel NO closer to an answer or closure but I have learned ONE thing and I know I'm right no matter what others say.

 

The people telling you no contact is the only way to go are correct. You need time to get past all the emotions and maybe try again in the future. It's the ONLY way for the ex to really miss you and maybe come to realize they made a mistake.

 

What I do NOT agree with at all is the people saying "you need to move on and leave the past behind you". This is correct advice in only some instances. Was the relationship abusive beyond repair? Then heck yes you leave. But did the person just become cold and unhappy but realized they made a mistake? Then try again IF they are willing to go through counseling with you and actually try.

 

I know I'm right when I say giving up is what everyone is convinced to do now adays. The people who you read this advice from I want you to ask them or check and see if they have been through more relationships after they gave the advice years ago. I have noticed almost every last one of them are still single or been in a new relationship stating it is "way better" in some ways I am sure it is but that is ONLY happening because you are older and wiser and usually so is your partner.

 

The person you were with at 30 that left you because they "fell out of love" could of worked in the long run. People fall out of love or find flaws in partners today because all the media shows perfect couples and brain washes you into believing much better is out there. What happened to working things out? I know for a fact from HUNDREDS of elderly couples they two went through something tough in life but stuck it out and were much happier for it.

 

I know people will disagree but I am not kidding... Almost every person on here telling you to leave the past behind you are single now or haven't been in their current relationship for a long time. I bet you their are as many people in relationships lasting in years together giving that advice as couples who reached back out and rekindled what they had and were much better for it.

 

All I am getting as is yes move on... Better yourself. Don't wait for the person but nothing wrong with trying again.

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I second you Popbradley!

 

everytime I go on ena, I see a lot of "give up" "move on" "just find someone new." This isn't just in the getting back together forum, but in the relationship forums as well. Anytime someone hits a speed bump or finds a flaw in their partner, everyone's advice on here is to just find the next. Sure, you might be able to find someone new, but how long is it going to be till you find that person's flaw or till you two hit a rough parch. Guess what it's bound to happen sooner or later no matter who you are with bc we are human and none of us are perfect and no relationship is perfect. The question is are the two individuals mature enough to sort out their problems or is there a better shot with someone else.

 

I also believe that people do have the opportunity to grow and that people on here don't recognize that. Within every relationship, we should be looking at ourselves and what we could improve upon to be better partners. And I believe just through life experience, one should be able to mature. With that logic, the older you get the better you should be at relationships. So as the above poster said, the person may not be wrong, but one or neither of you may not possess enough maturity at the moment to deal with things as easily as you would like.

 

I also have to wonder when people just so quickly say find someone new, if they aren't just settling for someone who gives them attention. I personally don't find it hard to get the opposite sex attention (young, attractive, intelligent female) but finding someone who treats me well and who i click with, has felt extremely difficult. So I think to just say "NEXT" so easily probably has more repurcussions than we'd like to think. Sure tinder has a million options, but how many of those are true matches.

 

I think the attitude of move on, go NC, and work on yourself is all right though. The main reason, is that the sad fact of life is that there isn't much we can do to change someone else, whether that be their behavior or their feelings. I think when we are left, we are so desperately wishing that we can convince them to change their mind. Unfortunately most of that decision has to come from within, not from us forcing them. You can't wait around on the hope that they will change their mind to be happy, you have to make yourself happy. That's why NC is good, bc it forces you to put the focus on you. To work on yourself, heal, and to learn to enjoy life on your own. I think so often times in or out a relationship the focus is on another person, but you really need to be able to love yourself and stand on your own two feet, especially in a time of great distress. Ultimately that will be what will attract the right partner no matter it be a previous or future one anyways.

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Exactly. I think me and you both understand every single last relationship takes work. Nothing will ever be like a movie.

 

It was a lot easier to understand back in the day because "perfect" has changed so much over the years. Standards and acceptable actions have gotten higher and higher with time and it's more acceptable to walk away then it is to work on things.

 

My grandparents are now 77 and 73 and married in their 20s. I may not of seen any of this stuff happen but my mom told me about fights they used to constantly have. He would break stuff out of anger and they would scream at each other. They got physical a couple of times and even to this day bicker at each other. Know what people in today's world would tell them? They would of told them to separate and that they were not "compatible" lol. That is such bull and it makes me sick reading that stuff. You are only "compatible" if you decide you can work through the problems together, like my grandperents did.

 

They had worse problems then most couples have in today's age, but they stuck it out because that was it for them. They didn't have people constantly telling them it's ok to move on and find "better".

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I absolutely agree popbradley. I think one of my biggest regrets was that I listened to my friends and let them fuel insecurities about my relationship. I kept thinking my relationship was horrible bc we would have fights on occasion. Mostly bc I wanted to hang out with him more than was realisitc. Not very often to be Honest and certainly never physical or something we couldn't just let go after awhile.

 

heres the funny thing, I talked to my therapist about everything. She actually encouraged me to try to get him back. I was really shocked by this, I thought there was no way in hell a therapist would encourage that. She just said that the problems we had were pretty much the same as every young couple out there and it wasn't a big deal. I was shocked, all my friends were telling me the opposite that I would find so much better. Funny enough I talked to several of my older friends and mentors and they kind of just said the same thing. Oh all couples have those arguments, that's normal. I was surprised. I thought I was "toxic" because I had always wanted to spend time with SO, both my therapist and older friends just reminded me you're just clingy and he's immature. Its just a stage of life in being in a young relationship.

 

I think between social media, TV, all those elite daily articles "your relationship is toxic if..." And frankly sometimes the bad advice of people on these forums we make things out to be worse than they really are. All coupes go through their ups and downs and their growing pains. And every person has their bad habits. Im not saying you should be with someone who makes you miserable, but I think you should be realistic before you throw something away. It comes down to what can you out up with. We all have different tolerances for different things. I also think as we learn and grow as individuals, how we learn to manage interpersonal conflict should get better. Think of how you handled things at 18 versus 22 versus 26 versus 30. i think we sometimes miss out on people, simply bc we met too young and didn't have the skills to handle things at that times

 

I think the important thing to remember in every situation, however, is to always be thinking introspectively of yourself. What can YOU do better? It's easy to sit there and say well things will never work with my partner bc he/she does XYZ. Well that doesn't benefit you at all. You should always be looking from within on how to be a more supportive and loving individual. If you are making a mistake with your partner, you're likely making similar with your other friends, family, or future partners.

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I absolutely agree popbradley. I think one of my biggest regrets was that I listened to my friends and let them fuel insecurities about my relationship. I kept thinking my relationship was horrible bc we would have fights on occasion. Mostly bc I wanted to hang out with him more than was realisitc. Not very often to be Honest and certainly never physical or something we couldn't just let go after awhile.

 

heres the funny thing, I talked to my therapist about everything. She actually encouraged me to try to get him back. I was really shocked by this, I thought there was no way in hell a therapist would encourage that. She just said that the problems we had were pretty much the same as every young couple out there and it wasn't a big deal. I was shocked, all my friends were telling me the opposite that I would find so much better. Funny enough I talked to several of my older friends and mentors and they kind of just said the same thing. Oh all couples have those arguments, that's normal. I was surprised. I thought I was "toxic" because I had always wanted to spend time with SO, both my therapist and older friends just reminded me you're just clingy and he's immature. Its just a stage of life in being in a young relationship.

 

I think between social media, TV, all those elite daily articles "your relationship is toxic if..." And frankly sometimes the bad advice of people on these forums we make things out to be worse than they really are. All coupes go through their ups and downs and their growing pains. And every person has their bad habits. Im not saying you should be with someone who makes you miserable, but I think you should be realistic before you throw something away. It comes down to what can you out up with. We all have different tolerances for different things. I also think as we learn and grow as individuals, how we learn to manage interpersonal conflict should get better. Think of how you handled things at 18 versus 22 versus 26 versus 30. i think we sometimes miss out on people, simply bc we met too young and didn't have the skills to handle things at that times

 

I think the important thing to remember in every situation, however, is to always be thinking introspectively of yourself. What can YOU do better? It's easy to sit there and say well things will never work with my partner bc he/she does XYZ. Well that doesn't benefit you at all. You should always be looking from within on how to be a more supportive and loving individual. If you are making a mistake with your partner, you're likely making similar with your other friends, family, or future partners.

 

I agree with you smiley. People like me and you are the kinds of people that will work through ANYTHING. I still have a lot of growing to do but I am smart enough to know when something is good and something is bad.

 

My ex fiance left me because we fought to much. We argued because of her weight and we argued because she refused to show me love and give me affection in comparison to how much I showed her. I gave her all of me and all of my time. I gave her love and affection when she was lost and I gave her peace when she wanted peace. I took care of her needs and tried to be a good boyfriend. I was NOT perfect and towards the end we fought over totally stupid stuff. She saw that and finally walked away. It has been 5 months for me from the break up and I have come to realise all the irrational responses I had to stuff. Problem now is its too late in HER eyes. I could not change it because she refused to work on it. She saw the relationship as toxic. I never hit her, I never abused her, I only argued about one thing I was not getting out of the relationship and I was the bad guy in the end. I can tell she still respects me and knows I am a good person but with all the stuff she has seen and with the media she of COURSE is going to think much better is out there and be unhappy when things were not perfect. She treats me like I am just someone she used to know and that is it. I beat myself up over it for a long long time and it really does just come down to her giving up and being unhappy because she probably saw our relationship as toxic.

 

My mom has been through some MESSED up relationships and she has learned a lot of stuff and claims this marriage is her best she has had. She has been divorced 2 times and this is her best one. Know what she has told me when going through all of this? The other 2 marriages could of worked but she just gave up on them. Her second could of worked just fine but at the time she figured it was the best thing for her to leave. It was not until she experienced TRUE absolute heart break that she realized her second marriage could of worked if she didn't run away from it and instead worked on the issues. She realized this 10 years later. She told me she still remembers crying in the bathroom and suddenly realizing WHAT she had in her second marriage and how good it actually was and how little the problems actually were.

 

She didn't get back with her exhusband as he was remarried and she knew it was not the right thing to do. It took that for her to realize how relationships take work and this marriage is the one she is working the hardest on. He has many many flaws but she care and loves him through them. She learned all this through experience and losing a lot of good stuff. That is why I say if my ex left me for another guy (pretty sure she did at this stage but that's another story) and one day realized how BAD she screwed up and how easily we could of worked on our problems together, I would try and make it work. For now though, she has no experience and just ignores her problems and moves onto the next best thing. I am her first boyfriend (lasted 7 years) and she cbn only compare me and her problems to that of fairy tales and movies. She won't realize that's what she is comparing it too but she is.

 

I will move on and find another relationship with someone who actually wants to work things out and she will continue her distructive pattern and never work through issues. Life gets harder as you age and you start to appriciate what you have more. Sucks that is how things are but with people constantly saying to "move on, you will find better" how are you suppose to convince people otherwise? Love and commitment is hands down a choice. I have NEVER fallen out of love until my partner wants out of the relationship. Even with all the problems we have but it is because I have had several relationships and learned it can in fact be much worse the next time around. This last relationship destoryed me as she was easily my first real love. She had glaring problems but if she had ever TOLD me what the problems were (im a stupid man... need to be told to my face lol) then I could of EASILY of worked on it. I could of changed for the better and grew with her instead of her thinking she grew apart.

 

That is why you see these get back together stories. People make mistakes. People get back together and actually work on the problems together in the second run. That is why they worked out later. It wasn't because they saw those problems and ran away. It was because they saw those problems and decided together to WORK on them.

 

My mom and step dad fight. My sister and her husband fight constantly. My grandparents have had horrible fights, My grandma even wanted to leave him at one point. They work it out because that is the right thing to do. You cannot make someone want to be with you and work on problems together with you (like my ex fiance didn't want too) but no matter what I think you should work through your problems instead of running to the next "best" thing.

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I think one of the saddest parts of life is that it often takes making mistakes in order to learn our lessons. Unfortunately it's often times the people we love the most who get hurt when this happens. Life doesn't offer too many second chances, and as a culture we don't encourage them. We say "BLOCK" "MOVE ON" "FIND SOMEONE BETTER."

 

Ultimately you will find someone... Different. They will be better in some way and worse in others. We all have our kinks. In fact I bet I can label everyone as "toxic" in some way or another. I spent a long time hating myself because of how clingy and needy I was. I felt I was horrible person because I had been selfish in those regards. when I listened to other people I realized that everyone had their own issue that was "unhealthy." My friends boyfriend has blown up at her screaming during some fights. My friend gets jealous when his girlfriend hangs out with other guys. My other friend probably picks a fight with her boyfriend everyday over petty drama. one of my friends only bothers to see his girlfriend once a month. I was surprised that every single person I knew managed to qualify as "toxic" "unhealthy" according to all the elite daily articles I was reading anyways. The point I am making is no one is perfect. You should do your best to help your partners weak side and vise versa. For example if someone gets jealous, instead of yelling TOXIC PARANOID it's better to just say "I love you and you have no reason to be nervous, please calm down." As the jealous person, they should recognize what they are doing and try to learn how to calm it down.

 

I think you read of successful reconciliations on here because those people understand what they did wrong and learned how to fix it. I think this takes time. It should happen within a relationship, but sometimes it does take a major wake up call, other experience, or just going through life to understand how and where to better yourself. Many of my issues I worked on, but I also saw myself grow into a much more patient, understanding, and compassionate person through different experiences i had. Certain things I didn't necessarily learn from a therapist or a self book, but through just living my life and talking to different people. I think that's why you see many successful reconciliations that happen after a long period of time has passed, rather than say when 2 weeks has passed. Some people choose to do this and others choose to blame their partners for all of the problems and then bounce to the next. Many people on here say an ex is an ex for a reason. That is true, but I do think depending on the situation the reason can be eliminated, however we are never encouraged to explore that.

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I totally agree in every single way. I wonder why the divorce rate is SOOO high in this day and age lol the "give up its toxic" age. I know others can agree with me and you when they really examine these "perfect" relationships they see. They do not exist and some of them are in fact WORSE than what you and I have dealt with in our previous relationships.

 

I swear I read a post with a girl talking about how she "fell out of love" with her boyfriend and he seemed like the perfect guy. I am sure he was a really good guy but she "fell out of love" because she got bored and wanted to experience other relationships. That is the plain and simple truth. Sure it is possible she could have moved on to a better relationship but I just find that hard to believe and I bet you she could have made it work with the guy. It is not the relationship that should make you happy... it is you yourself that should make yourself happy. You cannot be happy unless you CHOOSE to be happy and CHOOSE to love someone. The worst part about this person was she said this.

 

"I was confused. I felt I didn't love him but he was my best friend and perfect in so many ways. He is handsome and sweet and caring but something is missing. I was fighting it for a while but I went online one day and found an article talking about the 10 signs you fell out of love and should leave your relationship. I read them and 7 of the 10 related to me! I cried because I knew I wasn't in love anymore and it was that day I decided to leave him."

 

I am not making this up. She said that and that was her ultimate deciding factor. She CHOSE to leave because she read some stupid persons article on why you fell out of love. I am a professional blogger and I will tell you 100% those people who are giving "advice" are making money off of you. Clicking their ads and buying their junk. She left someone because she read a stupid article by someone who was paid to write it for desperate people. Same applies to the blogs about "getting and ex back" they are making money off of you and they could care less if your relationship actually works. Just like the person telling you-you fell out of love.

 

The worst part of that was people over the years were AGREEING with her. Saying they too had fallen out of love and had seen similar stuff in articles and knew it was not meant to be... I quickly went on there and wrote on the topic so they could see her logic was flawed and immature. I could EASILY write an article and put "10 reasons you should save your relationship." and I bet you that same person, amongst others, could find several of the things that relate. It's just so much easier to give up and find excuses for other people writing and words.

 

That is why I say MOST of the people telling you this stuff have no clue what they are talking about and most are still single to this day, been through divorces, etc. You can't force someone to be with you but being brainwashed by morons telling you a relationship should be trashed because of a few problems make me sick.

 

My ex-fiance really did leave me because of the lack of experience and lack of understanding that relationships take work. I still know and will always know we could have worked the problems out if we discussed them and communicated well. That part IS true when people say it but it does not mean we could not have worked out our communication levels and worked in the long run and we both be very happy forever. I know statistically people who decided to actually stay in the marriages or relationships and work on them are MUCH happier after a few years than those who have continued to cycle through relationships over and over and over. I am not talking about simple articles written by others I am talking about actual documented research.

Edited by Popbradley
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I want others to know this too. I did argue about my fiance's weight... I handled it in an immature way for a couple of years BUT I learned from it and learned it was the wrong thing to do. I put up with her complaining about it and just tried encourage her in any way I could. She still managed to be unhappy and not really understand the sacrifices I made to be with her. I left my family and friends behind in California to be with her. I picked up and left with no job or anything lined up. I moved into her aunt's house and was sexually harassed by her for years. I was trying to improve my education and could not afford a place to stay at. I used the opportunity to try and better myself some and my ex-fiance could eventually move out and be well on our way in life. It eventually got SO bad I had to leave and move in with the family for a couple of years. I slept on a couch and lived in poverty with them. I gave them all of my money just so they could spend it and waste it. They wasted food and lived in filth. I was the only one to clean up ever and I can recall waking up on the couch several times with rats on me (this is not a lie or exaggeration. it is true).

 

Her sister came to me several times and I turned down her advances over and over. I watched over my ex-fiance and took care of her in any way I could. I loved on her and listen to her complaint about work and cry to me every single day. I took an hour out of my day for YEARS and would lay in the bed with her after she had a horrible emotional day, and I would let her lay on my chest and scratch her until she fell asleep. Even if I had other things to do I STILL did it. I finally landed a good job and was 3 months out from finishing my schooling. I had been looking at houses and our dreams were finally coming true. I was starting to be where I had planned all those years ago. Just 2 months before the wedding and us moving to our new home she decided then she didn't love me and had not for a while.

 

I put up with ALL of this stuff for YEARS and worked so hard for HER just to be thrown away like a piece of trash. I know to this day she has no clue the sacrifices I made for her and will maybe never appreciate it until she experiences what my own mother had. I tell you this situation was not normal and I know many can agree I put up with a LOT of stuff for her to only be thrown away and un appreciated and the WORST part is I will still always love this girl. I could get better and I KNEW I could get better but I fought for the relationship and was happy because I KNEW it could also be MUCH worse. I learned this over the years through abusive exes.

 

I had one tell me she had cancer for years and lied. I had one tell me she would go off to work and would be screwing other guys from bars. I had one lie about her "roommate" who was actually her husband and they got off on tricking other people. I knew my relationship was good and CHOSE to stay in love even with her minor faults. She chose not too, like many other people.

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I found the post and wanted to post it here so people can see what I was referring to with the girl. This is the post and this is my response to her post.

 

"Hi, people. I wrote in this forum a few months ago. at that time, I was confused about my feelings for my boyfriend. he always showed me his feelings and his love for me, but I felt suffocated and not sure if I loved him anymore. I was sad most of the time, no longer felt the desire to have sex with him (kissing him was kind of painful to me) and his company wasn't important anymore. it took me a long time to make a decision. on the one hand, I was afraid to end the relationship and regret, on the other hand, I wanted to finish because I was not happy at his side anymore. I felt that something was missing, but I did not know exactly what. I used to look at him and I couldn't imagine myself married to him. we dated four years. one day I had the courage and I broke up with him. It was December 26th and the night before that I read something on the Internet that Made me see clearly that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I read something like "15 signs you're not interested in your relationship". And I saw myself in 9 of the 15 signs. It was painful, I cried a lost in the first week, but then I started to feel better. I felt free again! guys, do not be afraid to take some action. If you're in doubt, just take some time for yourself. Sometimes you need To distance yourself To see things clearly. Ending an unhappy relationship, in the beginning, can be difficult, but then it feels liberating and amazing. and falling in love again with someone else is just incredible"

 

I GUARANTEE you that IF the previous relationship was good as soon as this new one ends you will think about your old relationship lol. Bookmark this thread and respond back when the new relationship ends. You may marry your new guy and live happily ever after but my money is if it does end you will wonder why you gave up your old boyfriend.

 

Falling in love again IS incredible but you will get the dull feeling you have again cause the spark will not be there forever but you will learn this as time goes on. The fact you had to refer to a stupid article some woman wrote you don't even know who is making money off people like you reading her little "tips" to break up with your guy shows the maturity level you have. I am not being insulting but you cannot base a decision like that on "15 signs you are no longer in love" lol come on.

 

I could easily do that with a girl and be like "wow... 7 of the 10 facts I read are soooooo me!" Then read an article on "10 ways to know if you should fight for the relationship! is it worth saving?" and be like "wow... 7 of those match my relationship! maybe I should fight for it!" lol... Get me?

 

 

The BEST part about this is after I wrote the response to her she came back months later and wrote this.

 

"It's been 7 mo since I broke up with him the situation in the previous post.. I still think about him every day. I don't know if I can get over him or if I wasn't ready. It was impulsive and I think time off would have been best.. some space and time to get over hurt feelings. 4 years is a lot to throw away. Anything but a breakup, some distance is good. But the breakup was rushed and angry and I made some poor choices afterwards that I felt like I couldn't get out of and there was no turning back. I still don't know. Our problems will be waiting for me if I go back, but at the same time... never again is a scary thought."

 

All this said was she got bored and didn't appricate what she had until she made a huge mistake.

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Hi popbradly

 

I think between all these articles, social media, and our cultural attitude we don't understand the natural ebb and flow of relationships. It's easy to look at social media, see hundreds of kissing couples at disneyland or someone posting a loving post on #WCW and think you don't have a good relationship. I took classes in conflict and communication between couples and the way couples bond doesnt always fit with the way we are expected to. After a certain point, "the in love" feelings will die off. It does not matter how great your relationship is, youre body will stop producing those hormones at a certain point. What remains is companionate love and attachment. That is built after a long time of shared experiences. We actually looked at case studies of the brain and how couples brain waves react to spouses and such. In long term marriages the "attraction" pleasure center wouldnt necessarily light up, but the attachment would. The point I am trying to make is you will fall out of love, but you will still love them. That is the natural part of life and is unavoidable. It is the strong companionate love that keeps marriages together. When I talk to my older friends they also remind me that in long term relationships, you hit good months/years and bad months/years. I definitely understand this because there can always be different situations that can put strain on your relationship. When mine came to a crash, I looked at the past few months and realized how by no ones fault there was a lot of extracurricular pressure that were causing us to not be on our best behavior. Certainly I had horrible behavior, something I deeply regret. But I think in the ebb and flow of things that's natural.

 

One thing I've noticed is there always is a lot of encouragement to end relationships. Whether that's from friends or from media. I admit that I've been that friend, "he said that comment to you, you should break up." I think now though, I've learned more to be supportive of people and their decisions. I try to be someone to play Devils advocate when they want to complain, because i figure they have heard enough negativity already.

 

As far as your story, it seems like you've been through a lot. Im going to be honest with you, I don't think it's ever appropriate to make comments about someone's weight. I guess I say that because I've struggled with an eating disorder and have several friends did as well. However, I think the important thing is that you understand your mistake now. You know what you did wrong and you are clearly not going to make those same mistakes again. I think that is the important thing in life, to look inwardly and realize what you did wrong and discipline yourself to not make them in the future.

 

I know I made a lot of mistakes in the past, would i make them again, absolutely not. But I won't ever get a second chance with my ex, because people rarely give second chances. I actually have. And I was pleasantly surprised and realized that yes he did change for the better and learned his lesson everytime. But I know I won't get the same. It's alright I suppose, I will find a different man who will appreciate the fact that I did learn and grow because I will be able to be a better partner to him. I think that's the part that I find sad in my previous relationship failing. We were both very young and made a lot of errors, both BIG and small. But in truth I think we were very compatible, had similar life goals, had a lot of love for each other, and would have been great life partners. But we both made MANY errors on one another, simply because we didn't know better and hadn't grown up yet. If we met at say 25 versus 17 stuck in a semi LDR situation that would have put an additional strain on ANY couple (ended when we were 22), I think we wouldnt have made the choices we did and I don't think the issues we had would existed or at least would have been considerably less strained. I think it was pretty amazing that 2, 19 year olds could consistently spend 72 hours straight together without ever bickering and manage a long distance situation. I imagine how us at 30, in a non long distance situation could have been excellent for one another. I think that's what makes me sad still deep down, I feel like we really missed out on each other, even though I will completely admit that I did do things that were not good. I was a stage 500 clinger because I had a lot of insecurities and didn't know how to communicate my needs in effective ways. I also was very young and my ex felt he was stuck taking care of me. I was wrong to do this of course, have i learned better, absolutely. I am much better and more mature, but I know that second chances dont exist.

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Oh yea for sure. Talking about her weight WAS bad. I actually realized it in the end and have since gone to therapy for it. I was like this because, sadly, I had a eating disorder and body issues in high school. I developed them from past family issues and always being told it was wrong to be heavy. It really was NOT my fault but I learned this a little to late. Sucks but nothing I can do now. I have realized how wrong it was but she constantly mentioned it to me and let it affect our relationship in every way possible. Would get dressed up for dates because of her weight. Wouldn't have relations with me because of her weight. Wouldn't do ANY activities because of her weight. So naturally you would get a LITTLE bitter after 7 years of this. Yet I STILL realized it was wrong after a while and only tried helping her in the end but still came across as a bad guy. I didn't bash her about it either... I mostly would get frustrated at stuff with when she would cancel the plans or ruin a date BECAUSE of her body issues.

 

At the end of the day if our exes, or anyone else's ex, doesn't give the relationship a second chance then they don't deserve us anyways. Anything can happen but I learned its best not to wait for it. More than likely our exes will have learned nothing from all of this and me and you will have learned and grown for the better. I've been dumped in every relationship so I was forced to learn something in each one. People can be cruel and heartless but why would we want to spend the rest of our lives with people who cannot understand a relationship needs work? Your ex and mine may realize one day that they do but it will probably be too late by then.

 

Also don't feel bad about the clingy thing. Some guys will say you are too clingy while others will think you don't give them enough attention... Just be yourself and it will work out in the end. All that matters is we know we tried to save the relationship. Screw them if they can't see our value.

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Oh I don't know popbradley. In general there is a lot of people who see dumpers as evil on here. I don't think thats true. If they are unhappy, they feel they have no choice to leave. I don't think its wrong, they simply feel the relationship dynamics aren't working and they don't know how to fix it.

 

I think what I don't understand is when people on here come and complain about their SO, no one ever gives the advice to talk it out. For example I read a poster talking about how his girlfriend keeps demanding more time with him and that she criticizes how he eats meat, since she is a vegetarian. Every response said that he should leave Her, that she was toxic and the relationship was unhealthy. Not one person said, "why don't you sit her down and tell her that you do not like it when she does this and this is a fair amount of time to spend with one another." I understand these are reasonable complaints. I would say this wasn't good behavior, but to me this is easily correctable behavior.

 

I think that you went to therapy for your issues says a lot. I also sought counseling to help me work on insecurity and communication skills, so I know my behavior will be better in the future.

 

You never know what the future holds. You may run into your ex or she may come back. It's not impossible. I just think that as the original poster said, it's important to focus on yourself instead of chasing after someone who doesn't want you at that moment. It doesn't get you anywhere.

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This is a great post.

 

I've just split with a girl, only going out two months but she have me every reason to think this was forever. Was soooooo into me and then her insecurities (which she's explained) about dating better looking people than her get in the way and she chooses to be with a guy she's known since uni says she loves him oh and he is 21st!!

 

She doesn't want me to contact her again. That's fine, it's early days and people change their mind. I wondered if it's a good idea to pop a Christmas card through her door for her and her sonn when it gets closer, maybe with a note inside. Is that a good idea or too soon for some contact? Maybe wait till sometime in January instead and just wish her a happy new year via email?

 

Thanks

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  • 1 month later...

Please preach more!! I love your view on things as I'm in the same frame of mind as you. Everything you've said is absolutely dead on. I appreciate your outlook on yourself and on relationships, not to mention the empathy your advice exudes. Keep up the positive vibes!

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