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Confused


ccali78

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So I have been hanging out with my ex and we are trying to build a relationship together again. We are taking things slow and working on our lives separately to be able to function better in a relationship. We have agreed while we are working on things to not talk about the relationship as it always brings up negative feelings which neither of us is ready to deal with.

 

So yesterday we went for a nice walk with the dogs in the woods. We get to a clearing and sit down to enjoy the view. He makes a remark "They sold our house" I have no idea what he is talking about so I say "What house?"

 

He replied "The big one we wanted to buy one day" I said oh yeah that was nice. He said "I still have those dreams" and I said what dreams.

 

He replied "you know" and I said "Oh about us?" and he said "yeah but I need to do this work and just hope" and I did not say anything.

 

We got up and started walking more. He told me he would be away on my Thanksgiving visiting friends we both know. I said that is my 30th birthday. He said I know I will not be here for it. I did not say a word and got quiet so I would not say anything I would regret. (I am good at pulling away and flipping out everytime he does something that I do not like big issue).

 

So I was quiet and just enjoyed the walk or tried. He asked to hold my hand and we walked hand in hand which was awkward and he knew something was wrong and I asked.

 

I just said this is hard. He said I know it hurts me too, I do not do anything to intentionally hurt you and do not want to. And he said can I have a hug. We hugged for a good minute and then he said We needed that.

 

After he started reminiscing about fun times we had together and I was just laughing and we had some really fun times. He than again asked for a hug.

 

I really want him back but know now I made many mistakes in the relationship. I lied a lot and flipped out a lot, I was jealous and resentful. I am working on that now and he is working on himself and admits he is a bit crazy.

 

I just do not know what to think. He never cheated on me. He did briefly see someone after we broke up which crushed me and caused huge fights. But I want to work things out and do not want to mess things up with my smothering looking for reassurance and My inability to communicate and his. We both keep feelings in. I know I need more counseling. I just want to know if you can rebuild things if you both eventually want to and are both trying to change.

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Cali, he always seems to pop into your life when you seem to be doing fine getting over him and moving on. Then he does a little romantic sentimental talking and off he goes again.

 

Frankly, i think it is cruel for him to make references to a 'potential' future, then backpeddle, then tell you he is going off for Thanksgiving with other people and not even doing anything for your birthday.

 

So does he want to be with you or not? If he wants to work on building something with you, then he should be working on that, spending holidays with you, celebrating your birthday with you etc.

 

He pulled you in, got his warm fuzzy, then dropped the bomb that he doesn't intend to be around for Thanksgiving or your birthday, then off he goes again.

 

He's ensured that you are still on a string pining for him, while he's off having fun with other people. He's also making it very clear that you are not allowed to make any demands on him, including expecting him to be with you for holidays or birthdays.

 

Honestly, if i loved someone, i would WANT to be with them on their birthday and holidays. He's rubbing your face in the fact that he's not going to be there for you and you shouldn't expect anything from him other than nebulous references to 'maybe'.

 

Sorry, but you SHOULD be upset about this.

 

How long are you going to let him string you along? He keeps doing this in cycles, and you keep falling for it.

 

Your best bet to making an impression on him is to say, fine, you want to work on yourself, then call me when you're done, and IF i'm available i might consider it, but meanwhile I'm going to be dating people who do want to spend holidays and birthdays with me and who show up and date me on a consistent basis.

 

He's being spoiled and selfish here, and keeping you on a string for his own convenience. i also wouldn't discount that he isn't also dating someone else, and not clueing you in on it, and you're just his backup plan.

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We have agreed while we are working on things to not talk about the relationship as it always brings up negative feelings which neither of us is ready to deal with.

 

First, I have to address this quote, because I think this is BAD NEWS! I personally believe that addressing these issues should be at the top of the priority list, not at the bottom. I understand that you want to "re-connect" but the truth is your previous issues will haunt you guys until they are dealt with.

 

I also agree with BeStrong, in that I think he is being extremely selfish and is somewhat toxic for your own growth. You seem to be fine until he pops in when he needs his ego fix.

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