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Not sure where I should post this... But my best friend is a guy, and he's incredibly sweet, and very caring, and very... down on himself. He mentions that he's jaded from his past (referring to a bad relationship he had in high school... 5 years ago) and hates the constant reject he gets from girls.

 

I was in the school counselor's office waiting, and I read a sheet on "Nice Guy Syndrome"

I started looking into it because it describes him to a t...

 

link removed

 

I want to talk to him about it and help him be confident, and happy. But I know, being that he's sensitive, that this will hurt his feelings. What a tactful way I can introduce this to him without scaring him off?

 

I dont even think I have to say "hey buddy, you have 'Nice Guy Syndrome.' Fix it because you'll never get a girl otherwise." Im willing to just hint when he asks for advice, I just dunno how to do it. I told him tonight the biggest key to girls is just to be confident, and to stop being so self deprecating, and to stop dwelling in the past, and he just got sad and said he was going to bed.

 

I feel its time for some tough love, but I dont know how tough is too tough at first.

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Um. My last boyfriend had this problem. I tried for two years to tell him to be more confident, quit putting himself down, etc. Point is... he has to want to change to make it happen. Does he think something is wrong/out of balance with him that he needs to change/fix?

 

 

 

Oh and my last bf he never did stop. I left him because I was sick of him being the way he was, complaining, and not doing anything to change it. But I think you're on the right track of suggesting to him to be more confident, etc. The next time he complains be like, why don't you do.... such and such instead?

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He thinks theres something wrong in that he's "unworthy of love" and that something is wrong with him. But you know how depression goes, it's not happy, but it's comfortable to be down on yourself because you never have to put yourself out there. But Id like to think if there was something I could say to point out WHY girls just want to be friends with him, he might take it from there.

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thing is with most "nice" guys ( i use the term cautiously ) is that theyre think to much into things i think.

like were as the "bad guy" will just go up to a girl he likes and ask her out on a date, the nice guy seems to try and show respect and and earn love trhough friendship.

 

im not generalising but thats what i notice alot, most my friends labeled with the "nice guy" sticker, dont take chances or risk breaking a bond with someone to take it to the next level.

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most my friends labeled with the "nice guy" sticker, dont take chances or risk breaking a bond with someone to take it to the next level.

 

Really, Syntax1985? That's really interesting. I have had the opposite encounter. I get these "nice guys" all over me and I turn them down left and right. All my friends go, "Aww but he's such a nice guy?!" And I'm like ugh... I know. rofl

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Very true. Im pretty good at being too honest with friends sometimes... I guess Im going to have to corner him when we're in person tomorrow and tell him exactly what's up. When people mope I usually try to call them on it, but I really love this kid and I hate seeing him even more down than he is. Im worried that I'll get worked up and be more harsh than I need to be.

 

Basically, he needs to stop being a little boy, and skip the teen angst stage as well, and be a man before girls will be attracted... but that's a horrible thing to say to someone... so how can I soften the blow?

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Really, Syntax1985? That's really interesting. I have had the opposite encounter. I get these "nice guys" all over me and I turn them down left and right. All my friends go, "Aww but he's such a nice guy?!" And I'm like ugh... I know. rofl

 

Lol! I get the same impression. They think they're trying to be your friend first, but you can usually tell when they have their designs set on you... and it's more off putting than reassuring.

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Lol! I get the same impression. They think they're trying to be your friend first, but you can usually tell when they have their designs set on you... and it's more off putting than reassuring.

 

thats what i ment tho were as a "bad" guy will let you know how it is, "nice" guys will try to be friends and work theyre way up, which generally just comes accross as being a bit sleazy and having ulterior motives.

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maybe you should chase him round the block a few times

 

LOL.

 

...Maybe...

 

 

 

I do like all the advice that link said... Its all true. Im much more attracted to a person who doesnt just accept everything I say, and is willing to call me on being dramatic, or whatever. And you caaannt have a good relationship without that sexual spark, which rarely happens out of pity or comfort. You need someone willing to respect you, and all that, but at the same time, you need someone you can trust enough to let them grab you by the hair and drag ya to their cave.

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Hehe, you know what I tell people who are down on themselves? I put it like this:

"If I am eating a big piece of chocolate cake and I say 'hey, this is soooo yuck, tastes really bad, dunno how anyone could like it' and then offered you some, what would you say?" They always say "No" and that's when I tell them.... "Exactly!"

Why wouldanyone take what you're offering if you don't even believe it's good?!

Maybe drop that in next time he is having a self loathing session?!

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Very true. Im pretty good at being too honest with friends sometimes... I guess Im going to have to corner him when we're in person tomorrow and tell him exactly what's up. When people mope I usually try to call them on it, but I really love this kid and I hate seeing him even more down than he is. Im worried that I'll get worked up and be more harsh than I need to be.

 

Basically, he needs to stop being a little boy, and skip the teen angst stage as well, and be a man before girls will be attracted... but that's a horrible thing to say to someone... so how can I soften the blow?

 

I really loved my last bf. Still do. He's a real... nice guy. lol.

 

But yes, you have to just be honest and direct. Watch the tone in your voice and body language. And just keep it real. He will either accept it and change or not. You can only do so much. So there's no point in getting worked up b/c you have no control over him. He has to decide to make the change.

 

Maybe say, "I know you say you have bad luck with women but did you ever think it's because you're not acting confidently around them? or acting childishly around them? or dwelling on the past and not growing up? I know women would like you if you changed this aspect of yourself. Besides it's not healthy to stay a child/teenager forever. Don't you want to become a better person?" Maybe even throw in there that you are saying this for his own good and you just want to try to help him out b/c you know he can be a better person. Try to be understanding but stand firm. That's my best. I wish you luck!

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Hehe, you know what I tell people who are down on themselves? I put it like this:

"If I am eating a big piece of chocolate cake and I say 'hey, this is soooo yuck, tastes really bad, dunno how anyone could like it' and then offered you some, what would you say?" They always say "No" and that's when I tell them.... "Exactly!"

Why wouldanyone take what you're offering if you don't even believe it's good?!

Maybe drop that in next time he is having a self loathing session?!

 

Wow.. thats a perfect analogy. I like it. Ill definitely be using that tomorrow.... Plus everyone can identify with chocolate cake.

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LOL.

 

...Maybe...

 

 

 

Im much more attracted to a person who doesnt just accept everything I say, and is willing to call me on being dramatic, or whatever. You need someone willing to respect you, and all that, but at the same time, you need someone you can trust enough to let them grab you by the hair and drag ya to their cave.

 

I totally agree with this too - I just said recently that one of the reasons I love my bf is because he isn't afraid to tell me no, or that I am wrong etc. it shows me that he is secure, and that he wont settle for keeping the peace and being content - he does what it takes for us to work for real which is so important!

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Hehe, you know what I tell people who are down on themselves? I put it like this:

"If I am eating a big piece of chocolate cake and I say 'hey, this is soooo yuck, tastes really bad, dunno how anyone could like it' and then offered you some, what would you say?" They always say "No" and that's when I tell them.... "Exactly!"

Why wouldanyone take what you're offering if you don't even believe it's good?!

Maybe drop that in next time he is having a self loathing session?!

 

ROFL. Absolutely love it!

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Thanks, Clementine, itll have to work out some way or another. If he's not willing to accept it Ill still be his friend, I just wont be as ready to listen to him complaining about love anymore, I guess. We'll see!

 

 

And Hayles, you're right... it does show a willingness to work out what's important to BOTH of you, rather than having it be like a relationship all about you. You're with them to be with another person.

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ROFL. Absolutely love it!

 

HAHA, Thanks, and oddly enough.... I find myself using it more often that I would ever have expected, it just kind of fits so well.... hehe, maybe one day I will find my little analogy in a coffee table book?! Lol!

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HAHA, Thanks, and oddly enough.... I find myself using it more often that I would ever have expected, it just kind of fits so well.... hehe, maybe one day I will find my little analogy in a coffee table book?! Lol!

 

It deserves to be in a book. I've never heard such a complicated thing to explain put so simply and wonderfully. Seriously. I'm gonna steal it and use it on people. lol

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Ughhhh he says all of these things. He even said he goes for the girls with problems, the suicidal ones or the psycho b****es. I'll have to give him that same lecture. Good find, thank you! It's so frustrating to read that!!!! Lol, I know so many guys like this! I laughed at the "Nice Guys ™" though. They ARE usually self proclaimed nice guys, even if they are genuinely trying to be nice.

 

Why? Any "nice guys" out there care to explain?

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Ughhhh he says all of these things. He even said he goes for the girls with problems, the suicidal ones or the psycho b****es. I'll have to give him that same lecture. Good find, thank you! It's so frustrating to read that!!!! Lol, I know so many guys like this! I laughed at the "Nice Guys ™" though. They ARE usually self proclaimed nice guys, even if they are genuinely trying to be nice.

 

Why? Any "nice guys" out there care to explain?

 

Honestly , i used to be one. and i agree with that post i pout up completely, i didn't realise till i read it, but i found something very similar on a seduction advise forum ( cringe lol ) and it really was a slap round the face.

 

i never did what i wanted to do, i was always really caring and supportive but never got it in return because to be honest, i would've brushed it off and not accepted it. when ever i got rejected or dumped, my friedds would be so supportive saying she was such a b***h ect. but lets face it , its was me.

 

 

i used to feel like i put so much effort into a relationship just to make her happy and i showed her every form of care i could possibly do, and id make myself believe its not me, its her, she just wants to be treated like crap.

and that used to hurt so much, when you feel like youve put your life and soul into somethign and it failed.

 

looking back on it im glad i realised all those things and i am who i am now.

im still a nice guy, but not a nice guy ™ lol, i know im considerate and caring but i also know what i want and how im gonna get it, my relationships are more open now because i dont care if she doesnt agree with me, theyre my views and im going to be open about them. if she doesnt accept them then its her problem, and vise versa il listen to her out but that doesnt mean i HAVE to agree. im not saying all my relationships are constant arguments, but sharing of opinions and feeling comfortable with myself are so much better then worshiping someone.

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It deserves to be in a book. I've never heard such a complicated thing to explain put so simply and wonderfully. Seriously. I'm gonna steal it and use it on people. lol

 

Hehe, yeah my friends say I have a way of "dumbifying things" lol! When they are trying to explain things and can't seem to get thier message accross, they call me for tranlation!!!! Lol!

Use it all you like, I hope to hear it come back to me someday from a stranger, that would be too cool!!! Lol!

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Get this Guys: INSECURITY ISN'T SEXY. IT'S A TURNOFF.

 

 

Totally - I learned this recently - that insecurities are far more unattractive to people than whatever physical/emotional "imperfection" we find ourselves stressing about!!!

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Right, if someone wants to be worshiped, they get a dog. Lol, I love the distinction you made between the Nice Guy ™ and just being genuinely nice, without being a pessimistic doormat. I think that slap in the face is necessary, because nice guys are so sensitive they're used to their friends coddling them, and not feeling responsible for their own actions.

 

You gotta find someone who doesn't love you because you'd lay accross a mudpuddle so she wont get her sneakers wet, you need to find someone who you can grow as a person with, and who will accept you even if you (gasp) have opinions of your own, or you dance around in your underwear to techno.

 

Urg. Nice guys... be yourself, and be confident about that. Stop wallowing! And stop telling yourself and everyone around you how unworthy you are. Make yourself worthy.

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