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deceit on her part or distrust on mine?

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A few weeks ago my girlfriend, who works at a bar, was supposed to come over after she got off work and spend the night. At least that was the original plan. She was leaving the following day with friends for a 9-day cruise so I was really looking forward to spending some time with her before she left.

I asked her that morning if she was still coming over and she said she hadn't even packed yet so she was going to go home and do that rather than come over.

I went to her work and had a couple beers while she finished her shift. I noticed at one point she made a rather secretive phone call from behind the bar- I didn't ask about it, it just seemed a little out of place.

After she finished her shift, she joined me for a few drinks. About 45 minutes later she got a phone call. After she hung up she came back around and I asked who it was. "None of your business," she said.

That was not only a rude response, but a very uncharacteristic one for her as she has never kept any such information from me previously. Fifteen minutes after that, she finished her drink and said she had to go home. I kissed her goodbye and asked her if I could call her after she got home. She paused but then replied, "Yes."

When we left the parking lot, I was in front of her. When I made the right turn I needed to make she kept going straight, which was not the direction for her to be going to get home.

When I got home, I called. And I continued to call for 2 hours after that. I knew something was up all along due to her behavior, but I was still in shock and disbelief about what I believed to be going on.

I didn't sleep well that night for obvious reasons- and ended up getting up at 4am the next morning and continuing to call. She finally answered at 7 and of course I came completely un-glued. She told me that she went to a drugstore to get some things for her trip and then met some friends at a casino (we live in Nevada) and spent the night drinking and gambling. After calling her a cheater, liar and some other choice names she began to cry and kept telling me that her story was true.

I've thought all along that she was lying to me, but I wanted so badly to trust her. But I called her on it again the other day and told her that there was no penalty for telling me the truth but I would go away forever if she lied to me. She is still sticking to her BS story, so I have since moved on as much as that hurt to do.

How do you get someone like this to fess up when all the evidence points to her as cheating? And, am I putting too much energy into this? I still don't want to believe she lied, but with all that has gone on I really can't help it. What do you all think?

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Hey.. I can totally sympathize with your situation. I dated a guy last year who did similar things to me. At first our relationship was great, but after awhile he started choosing not to spend as much time with me, would go out until all hours of the night and lie to me and say he couldn't call, his stories about his whereabouts and activities just didn't match up, and he would generally be evasive about his whereabouts and activities. We eventually broke up as he "blamed me" for being "insecure" but hey, if someone tells you they care for you but then they treat you like crap, its a bad head-game they're playing, one that definitely will create insecurity, and will make you feel you're going crazy.


I dont know the overall situation with your girlfriend and yourself (I dont know if you have in the past argued about freedom/time alone/time together, or have had jealousy/insecurity issues) but it DOES sound like she is hiding something. It may not be another guy - perhaps she has a money problem, a sick friend or family member that she is having a hard time dealing with, drug habit, etc. However, it could also be another guy, anything's possible.


I would look closely at the relationship beyond the obvious hiding that she's doing regarding her whereabouts and the person on the phone. Cheating or not, its a sign there's trouble in the relationship if she doesn't choose to spend time with you, especially before a big trip, etc, or if he/she is evasive, defensive, etc. Its hardly the way people that care about others choose to show their love.


As you say that this is the first time you've had this type of experience with your girlfriend, give it some time to cool down and perhaps discuss later. Dont discuss while it's still a hot topic for both of you. It will just lead BOTH of you to dig into your "trenches" and fire shots back and forth, further creating a divide. While you're waiting for things to cool off, I'd review the relationship just to make sure that this is the first time you've ever had such insecurity - you may find that there are more incidences that you have been trying hard to ignore. Might be a good time to step back and evaluate your relationship overall and see if you are getting what you want and need from this arrangement.


Cheating or no - at this point I would defnitely set my boundaries with her though - tell her that you dont need to know where she is and what she's doing at all times (hard to say when you're suspicious about your partner) but tell her that when you talk you expect to be treated with respect and honesty. It's only fair.


Good luck.



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